Update: I think I'm ready to leave him

[Brwnbeauti]

I empathize with you. Don't let him break your spirit. Do what you have to to provide for your baby. Best wishes.

 

[sylver2]

well...see what happens after he completes the program. if its the same ole...then it's really time to go. but thats good that money will be saved from daycare and he can watch the baby and go to school. maybe yall should try a few sessions of counseling as well.
good luck op.

 

[Perfexion]

well...see what happens after he completes the program. if its the same ole...then it's really time to go. but thats good that money will be saved from daycare and he can watch the baby and go to school. maybe yall should try a few sessions of counseling as well.
good luck op.

That's the advice my sister gave. She said stay with him until he completes the program. If he gets his stuff together and starts working again then we can just stay together. If he doesn't then I can throw him out. If he up and leaves then I might be a little pissed and go all Angela Bassett from Waiting to Exhale on him, but at least he'd be earning enough to pay me child support! I'm still on the fence though. What if he takes the course and doesn't pass the test? That's also a consideration. Then that's time and money wasted and I'm still back to square one.

 

[Perfexion]

Do you think that if he gets his certification it will change the fact that he can't keep a steady job? Maybe it's more if his work habits, and if those don't change he may never be able to keep a steady job certification or not. If it's a labor job he may eventually go the disability route if injured.

I think the potential to earn more money might motivate him to work. Right now he has no certifications or licenses in this state so he can only get low paying unskilled labor jobs. According to him, he was once earning over $20 an hour as a licensed, certified contract worker, but now his wages are either minimum wage or a few dollars over minimum wage. I can understand that it may discourage a person who has to do back breaking manual labor for only a couple hundred dollars a week, but it shouldn't deter them from working altogether like it has for him. The thing is, once he gets off of his butt and actually starts working he is a very good, dedicated employee. It's just getting him off the couch and into the workforce is like pulling out teeth and hair.

 

[MsBoinglicious]

He said that I whine and nag and stress too much about money and if the lights get cut off then we'll just have to be in the dark (and cold) for a while

He said that and ya'll have a baby in the house! I honeslty couldn't read past this sentence right here. I don't know what to say other than that is sad and I wish you and your baby the best in life.

I wish I did have a husband and he fixed his mouth to say some shiit like that! Being in the cold and dark and we got a baby and aint shiit wrong with yo back nicca get YO' ARSE UP OFF THE GOT DAMN COUCH AND GET A MUV'FLUCKING HUSLE FO' I CUT YO' ARSE *****...ooohh my blood pressure up and this aint even my story! Let me get out this thread!

 

[LiftedUp]

Good for him! Wishing him the best in his certification program!

He asked me if he should try to look for another job right now since his classes start right after New Year's or if he should stay home with the baby so we save $2000 a month in daycare. His classes are in the evening and on weekends when I'm off work so we wouldn't need daycare anymore if he stayed home.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie downer but there have been enough threads on here when men getting full custody of children because they were their primary caregivers even though they were out of work and were not actively looking for work leaving their wife with no option but being the breadwinner.

 

[Mortons]

Make sure he gets a job no matter what decision you choose to make. You dont want to be stuck making alimony payments. And dont let him stay home long with the baby because it might be established that you allowed him to be the caregiver and homemaker and you may have to pay alimony and child support. You alls behavior has set him up for a good case of him being voluntarily unemployed and you electing to have him stay at home. Cover all of your basis before making decisions.

 

[Carrie A]

Ok I see. Well hold him to finishing the certification program. How long will the process take? IDK about the staying home with kids but childcare is expensive. I should think the program would make allowances for working adults- like online programs or night school. Sounds like you both need a financial counselor to work with you. The fact that he's an ostrich when it comes to financial planning and even basic bills is not a good sign.

ETA Sorry I didn't read well. I think he should work and do the certification training. Maybe cut back on other expenses?

 

[caltron]

So sorry you're having to go through this OP, but I'm so glad that you have the courage to seek a better future for you and your baby. Too many women put up with BS because they are afraid of being alone.

I hope your dh gets his act together, but if he doesn't then by any means necessary get out of the relationship, even if that means you have to take a hit on your credit leaving him in the house. You can always make more money in the future, but you can't get back the time you're spending now stressing over this situation.

It might not be a bad idea to start talking to a divorce attorney now even though you're not sure if you'll have to go there. It would be helpful to get advice about the best way to end this without this fool trying to blackmail you with threats about alimony or custody fights.

 

[spelmanlocks]

A lazy man is such a turn off, I could never stay with a man who would let me and our kids sit in the cold or the dark. Since he won't agree to counseling, there is an excellent book called His Needs/Her Needs that might benefit you both. There is a chapter in there about financial support and a woman's need to have a man who can take of his family.

 

[itismehmmkay]

OP I won't do any shoulda coulda wouldas with you b/c I know marraige is hard and real ish happens. Good for him for making an effort with paying the elec bill and with enrolling in the class.

Forreal forreal though...I probably wouldn't support him financially in the program. I think he needs to find that hustle and support himself. Plus, you need that money just in case yall separate. Not saying you all will or have to divorce, but even moving out to your mother's place for a lil while might be an option needed later on. As far as him staying at home with the child, I wouldn't Mostly b/c if I already see divorce as a possible option, then I'm already thinking of custody fights and I don't think that helps it. Sucks you gotta think like that, but you do.

I would see what he does within the next couple of weeks with the cert program and with how he treats things and you. If you feel like you might explode or need to write another one of these threads? I'd go stay at my mom's for a bit to cool off and get a clear head.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I just want to emphasize on not letting him become the caregiver of your child. If he has a vendictive personality, and if he's smart, he can possibly get the child if you eventually divorce him...especially since you are a career woman. It's not fair but it is what it is.

 

[Perfexion]

I don't think that he feels the same way I do about the state of our marriage though. I don't think he is thinking about divorce. Why would he? I actually think he would be caught off guard if I handed him divorce papers or suggested a legal separation. He thinks his little half a** efforts glue our marriage completely back together. If anything, it's like Elmer's glue and it just makes everything sticky and messy and it doesn't really improve much of anything. He always seems to be surprised when I say, "We need to talk." I'm really curious how our marriage feels from his side of the looking glass. He must think that everything is fine until I start nagging about something and that it's my nagging that is ruining our relationship. In my mind that's the root of our whole problem.

 

[Perfexion]

I just want to emphasize on not letting him become the caregiver of your child. If he has a vendictive personality, and if he's smart, he can possibly get the child if you eventually divorce him...especially since you are a career woman. It's not fair but it is what it is.

He's not smart....at all. And I don't think he would be try to get full custody unless he had another woman or his mother behind him egging him on. I think he's the type of person who would divorce me, move back in with his mother and stay unemployed forever so he wouldn't have to pay child support to ME! He doesn't like responsibility. But I'll definitely keep that in mind.

 

[HanaKuroi]

He's not smart....at all. And I don't think he would be try to get full custody unless he had another woman or his mother behind him egging him on. I think he's the type of person who would divorce me, move back in with his mother and stay unemployed forever so he wouldn't have to pay child support to ME! He doesn't like responsibility. But I'll definitely keep that in mind.

I am not trying to be messy but I am going to be honest. Please read what you wrote. Why are you married to someone like this?

I don't know anything about prior posts but this statement right here? What is he worth? Why are you with someone like that? He isn't smart at all? Is that true?

He would avoid paying child support?

 

[*CherryPie*]

Oh no! I'm glad he's not smart because of this situation. But I was on the side of "wait and see what he does after he gets his certification". But now, after what you've stated, I say get rid of him and don't waste precious years struggling with a bum if you don't have to.

He's not smart....at all. And I don't think he would be try to get full custody unless he had another woman or his mother behind him egging him on. I think he's the type of person who would divorce me, move back in with his mother and stay unemployed forever so he wouldn't have to pay child support to ME! He doesn't like responsibility. But I'll definitely keep that in mind.

 

[Oneprettypa]

I was rooting for you guys and hoping this would take a turn for the better. You and your family are in my prayers.


With that being said, I stand by my comment in the other thread. I'm all about marriage and for better and worse however I'm not about supporting a man who isn't trying. The "whatever" comment and his nonchalance about getting for a job and providing for his family is disheartening. NO MAN wants to see his family-- ESPECIALLY his wife/child-- go without... So the fact that he's not busting his balls to make sure the lights stay on is a problem for me. Don't kick him while he's down but don't be stupid either.

I agree with the ultimatum in this case. If he doesn't get right then he needs to go. There are plenty of men out there willing to support you and a child IN ADDITION to what u pull in.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

He's not smart....at all. And I don't think he would be try to get full custody unless he had another woman or his mother behind him egging him on. I think he's the type of person who would divorce me, move back in with his mother and stay unemployed forever so he wouldn't have to pay child support to ME! He doesn't like responsibility. But I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Negro's get real smart when its time for court - you'd be surprised at all the law and rights they think they know when challenged. I just don't want you to end up in front of the wrong judge on the wrong day.

Your locations says NY is he from up here? If so send his butt back. If he already has union certification there are nothing but jobs right now with the Sandy repairs. He doesn't have to spend money to be certified there when there are income making positions here and all up and down NJ. Ya'll did long distance before you can word it that you're willing to do it again. Did he show you receipts for the training? How does he think you're supposed to pay for heating oil/gas and other winter expenses while he's training?

Again since everything is in your name do not leave him in your home. Do not leave him as the caregiver for your child full time not even for the month. He needs to work at Macys or Best Buy during the Christmas rush and put some money towards food and your childs first holiday. He is setting you up for spousal support. You do not have to commit financial suicide to get him out. (Remember in original Soul Food when Terri called her cousin to handle Lem? Call your kin if it comes down to that)

Whether you get him to travel for work or not go see a lawyer for your state regarding what the rules there are so you can at least know what your options are.

If you budgeted taking care of everything in the past then get back on that schedule for yourself. You are not nagging when you are asking for the bare minimum of what a partner should bring to the table. No one goes into a marriage expecting to get divorced. You can hope for the best but fighting for your relationship will ony work if both of you are willing. If he doesn't put any true action behind his words you already have your answer. Trust has to be earned and he is in a negative deficit right now - do not let him jedi mind trick you into complacency or thinking you want too much. You deserve so much more that this.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I have a mortgage. I can't get him to leave without taking him to court though. It's just easier for me to leave but I know it's financial suicide on my part. I don't know what else to do.

Why do you think you have to go to court to put him out? I know you are married but didn't you move him into the home you owned before the wedding?

It is not easier for you to leave him there because you will be the one still dealing with the bank and all the bills afterwards so get that thought out of your mind as an option. Please get your finances/papers together and go see a lawyer just for a consult. Everyone (including me) can tell you stories but don't assume your situation is the same as what they are referring to. Someone not pulling their weight or even working is not going to automatically get the right to stay in the home you bought (unless you add additional variables such as him taking care of your child).

Good luck and I'm truly sorry this is happening. But it is so now you have to buck up for your daughters sake. The last thing you want is for her to grow up in dysfunction thinking his attitude is what daddy/husband's do.

 

[LoveBeautyKisses]

I think he'sbeing lazy and taking u for granted.

If u offered to pay for his certifications and he still turned it down then he is being lazy.

Show him u mean what u say and u say what u mean

Protective Stylin' on y'all.

 

[Ivonnovi]

He isn't willing to go to counseling.
......But here's another mini update: He did get laid off this morning so he is once again unemployed. He did, however, enroll in a certification program last night so I guess a part of him knew he was going to be laid off today. He asked me if he should try to look for another job right now since his classes start right after New Year's or if he should stay home with the baby so we save $2000 a month in daycare. His classes are in the evening and on weekends when I'm off work so we wouldn't need daycare anymore if he stayed home. I don't know if that changes my mind about the ultimatum but I am ECSTATIC that he finally enrolled in a program because at least if he gets some certifications and his licenses back he will be more marketable and ....

Good for him! Wishing him the best in his certification program!



I'm not trying to be a Debbie downer but there have been enough threads on here when men getting full custody of children because they were their primary caregivers even though they were out of work and were not actively looking for work leaving their wife with no option but being the breadwinner.

Afterreading through the messiness of this, all I have to add is that NOW IS THE TIME to TALK to A LAWYER! STAT!!! LiftedUp has a very good point; and I'm inclined to believe that ol'boy is just riding time out. "He ain't hungry right now;...."

No matter what, we can all speculate, I'd feel much more comfortable for you if you'd consult with a lawyer on possible courses of action (that will stand-up in court).

 

[deltagyrl]

He isn't willing to go to counseling. I didn't know he was a bum before I married him because he told me that he worked all his life and I had no reason not to believe him. After all, he had two jobs when we were dating. But I don't believe he was that hard working either anymore. I agree with PP who said he probably worked because he had to since his ex wife wasn't working. If I didn't have a career that I've invested so much time into, I'd quit too just to see if he will step up and do what he's supposed to do. Clearly he only responds to flames. But I don't want to raise my baby on my own. I don't want to get divorced and I do love him, but what am I supposed to do? He says he doesn't want to hear me complaining about money. He says he doesn't want to know our financial situation. He saysI act like I'm his mother but I think it's more that he acts like he is a child. What kind of grown ***, married man doesn't care about the household bills? I'd kinda understand that attitude if he was making decent money and giving it all to me to pay bills, but he has not had a steady job since we've been married and when he does work it's not even a quarter of my salary so he probably should care how the bills are getting paid.

But here's another mini update: He did get laid off this morning so he is once again unemployed. He did, however, enroll in a certification program last night so I guess a part of him knew he was going to be laid off today. He asked me if he should try to look for another job right now since his classes start right after New Year's or if he should stay home with the baby so we save $2000 a month in daycare. His classes are in the evening and on weekends when I'm off work so we wouldn't need daycare anymore if he stayed home. I don't know if that changes my mind about the ultimatum but I am ECSTATIC that he finally enrolled in a program because at least if he gets some certifications and his licenses back he will be more marketable and might even be able to get connections to join a union. In the meantime though, we are still down to one income and his program is five months long. I have to decide whether it is worth supporting him (emotionally and financially) for the next 5 months while he gets his ish together or if I want to leave now and cut my losses and try to rebuild my life when I get my tax refund next year. Since the house and all of the bills are in my name it probably wouldn't be a good idea to just leave. And he did pay the electric bill so they won't cut our lights off. I guess he's trying to make it work after all, but why do I have to threaten to leave him every time before he decides to step up?

And here is the most important thing in your post.
When I suggested counseling, I meant for you and you alone...at least for now.

I agree that he needs to step it up, but you can't make him. He has to want to do that. I don't know all the intricate deets of your marriage but I believe that counseling will help you find the root cause of your issues and it will, most likely, give you clarity about your situation and what needs to be done.

In the meantime, have a grown up conversation WITHOUT dogging him out and express yourself WITHOUT anger. Allow him to speak and listen WITHOUT judgement. I think you guys can make it but somebody has to soften...a little.

Good luck to you BOTH.

 

[BrownieBrie]

He's not smart....at all. And I don't think he would be try to get full custody unless he had another woman or his mother behind him egging him on. I think he's the type of person who would divorce me, move back in with his mother and stay unemployed forever so he wouldn't have to pay child support to ME! He doesn't like responsibility. But I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Beware of that kind of thinking. A lot of slick people play the fool when it's convenient and then get real clever when the situation calls for it. I have seen it many times.

 

[greenandchic]

Beware of that kind of thinking. A lot of slick people play the fool when it's convenient and then get real clever when the situation calls for it. I have seen it many times.

And in some cases they have help.

 

[MissJ]

This guy is using trick to make luck. Sorry OP but again this man sounds like a depressive/sociopath/trickstar Bum who saw you a mile away. I had an ex who asked me to have a child with him when I asked him who will take care of the baby he said the government would. Needless to say that was the last week I ever saw him again in my life. This guy saw a good thing and decided to set up shop. If you every get the chance read " the sociopath next door" . My ex was a bum who some how got involve with ambitious women and expected them to take care of him according to him there are a lot of women out there who are willing to take care of men he also said it is 5 woman to 1 man out there. I agree you need legal advice he does not sound like he wants to work.
Sent from my device using LHCF

I think you hit the nail on the head. He put on an act until he trapped her. Now, she's stuck in a messed up situation. He didn't change. He's just being his real self now.

 

[LiftedUp]

Beware of that kind of thinking. A lot of slick people play the fool when it's convenient and then get real clever when the situation calls for it. I have seen it many times.

You sound like my mother. She's been telling our relative this for the past couple of months. Our relative is like "he's not smart" and my mother is like "that is what he wants you to think."

 

[RocStar]

He's not smart....at all.

Or is he really smart?

 

[NijaG]

He's not smart....at all. And I don't think he would be try to get full custody unless he had another woman or his mother behind him egging him on. I think he's the type of person who would divorce me, move back in with his mother and stay unemployed forever so he wouldn't have to pay child support to ME! He doesn't like responsibility. But I'll definitely keep that in mind.

YOU may think he's not SMART, but look at your situation and tell me who is benefiting tangibly from it right now.

Honestly have you gotten your deep down needs met? If you had you wouldn't be seeking this type of advice right now.

He is very smart. He got a woman like you into marrying and having his child. Not only that, he has 50-11 excuses why he can't and/or won't keep a job, he won't go to counseling, and other red flag stuff you've mentioned.

However you're over here twisting yourself emotionally and mentally into a pretzel to make it work, because (my personal opinion) you're afraid. Of what (I can make educated guesses) but only you know the real reasons.

 

[Fine 4s]

I think you've gotten plenty of advice so no need for me to add.
I hope you consider the options laid out in the thread.

I must say, you don't speak very highly of him. The picture you've painted of him is so unattractive that it confuses me how you got yourself involved with him! You sound like YOU got yourself together and him...not so much. If the peen is good, I'd get caught up too but I would ....never mind it's not about me and I don't like talking to folks like this about their life choices. We each have our journey and who really knows how this will end but the man above.

Do the best you can with the information you have. I really mean that. Do your best.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

Is he a unicorn?

The only time I see bw take this much crap from a guy is if he is white or anything but black.

if you have bills to pay and you in the red pay them and not him. A man should be a man do not pay for his certificate. He Needs to work over the holidays and make do. he needs to be allowed to be a person, fail or not let him do him you do you.