Update: I think I'm ready to leave him
- Thread starter Perfexion
- Start date
for real at this comment.Right. And I'm a Christian.
But I think this "Pray over it" foolishness has just got to end. Women are praying to save no good marriages, bum *** men and abusive men, oh and praying for a husband at church--still never doing anything about your situation. Welp. Prayer without works is nothing--works meaning action. You can pray all you want for something but God also doesn't want you to be a fool either.
I believe in prayer and I've seen it do amazing things but praying at the self-sacrifice of her and her baby being in the dark isn't going to work. She can pray and love him at a distance and maybe things could change, for now, she needs to roll.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Sorry but to me when you're calling cops on your husband something is seriously wrong. Either he has violated you in some major way or you have lost your marbles and inappropriately escalated the situation. Either way something is SERIOUSLY wrong in this marriage.
itismehmmkay
Well-Known Member
Thank you. One thing my marraige and divorce taught me is how to size up my compatibility with someone from the get go. People are different things to you. Relationships come at different levels. You can vibe with someone, but may not be able to work in a relationship w/ them. You can work in a relationship, but it may not last. You can have a lasting relationship, but not one that could go to marraige. Even a step further to a relatively working marriage, but one that probably wouldn't last. And what I tell myself is that each of those men/types of relationships could be my soulmate. I could vibe the hell out of my soulmate, but don't mean I'm supposed to be in a relationship with him...let alone a marraige.
Perfexion
Well-Known Member
I called the cops because I tried to throw him out but he wouldn't leave. The cops said if I want him out permanently I have to go to court to have him legally evicted but then if I do that then there has to be an order of protection and a custody agreement along with it.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
caltron stated it so much better than I could have.
As I stated early in this thread--he is a manipulator and that is tantamount to emotional and psychological abuse. In this case there is also financial abuse--basically making you Perfexion become his mule.
Took me 2 years to get my head around those facts and give him the boot (after 18 years of being a good mule). Hopefully you will start your planning yesterday.
In the long term, you will look back and see exactly how incidious this has been and how deeply it affected your psyche. Right now, it's easy and easier to look only at the surface but there is a well of s--t in there...trust
Congratulations for waking up and not taking his abuse/manipulation anymore. You're a survivor.
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
Umm, unless you bound ole boy's hands and feet with duct tape and threw him in the back of a U-Haul, you didn't bring him to the state. He chose to go.
I know that it hurts when you have a failed marriage but you have to look at the whole picture. Is he adding to your financial, mental, and physical well being or subtracting?
The below is a description of a gambling concept. It can also be applied to relationships.
One feature of compulsive gambling is ‘loss chasing’. Loss chasing occurs when a gambler continues to gamble in the face of great losses in hopes of winning their money back.
Only you can decide whether you should cut your losses or keep hoping for a turnaround.
NappyNelle
Kinky Coily 4A, Fine Strands, WSL
rtexy
Well-Known Member
I think you are right.
OP maybe he was so supportive during the pregnancy because he views that baby as his meal ticket?
shortycocoa
Hair Weave Killer
Carrie A said:I hadn't read the whole background so I went back to review your old threads and OP I must say I'm confused. Things just don't add up.
You have a three month old so you conceived in Dec 2011?
You have been married 15 months which would make the wedding in August 2011
In the first thread you said you got pregnant before you got married.
You said you had a long distance relationship for a few years before he moved to NY.
You said during the time you were dating he was going through divorce.
So in the two years y'all were long distance was this like an emotional affair. He would have been married during this time.
In the first thread you said you reconnected last year.
He was your high school sweetheart but his mom and sister confirmed that he had a job since he was 15?
You make nearly six figures but had unpaid maternity leave and now you're behind on the rent and light bills.
I though you owned your home not renting.
You pined over this man for the past 15 years? Even that number is IDN
Daaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmnnnnnnnn!!!!! All that??? The LHCFBI does it again!
OP, I hope you find the strength and courage from somewhere to do what you need to do to leave this man, and do it quickly, before it is too late. In these types of situations, men can get very angry, which leads to uncontrollable rage and violence. You have an innocent child to protect and raise. It's time to swallow your fears and get your head out of the sand. You can and will recover from this and you can always rebuild. If you need help, reach out to friends and family and the services available to you in your area. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it makes you strong. Your daughter is counting on you to be there for her and be strong. Wishing you the best.
Perfexion
Well-Known Member
I'm not giving him EXTRA credit, but if it was the other way around- like if he had a stable job but never helped around the house, brought me food, or supported me through my pregnancies, etc- would your advice to leave him be the same? I know being a provider is more important, but I would be equally unhappy if he had a stable job but never did those things for me. Pretty much every man I've dated before him had money but they never did anything nice. And when I said men with money, I mean doctors and architects and lawyers and other six figure earners. Some men feel if they have money they don't have to do anything else. That's why I was saying in the other thread that it's better to date a really sweet broke guy than a rich jerk. It's possible that DH is depressed and getting his certifications will boost his confidence and get him out of his funk. He was definitely working steadily when we were dating. He wasn't lying or exaggerating about that. I witnessed that firsthand. He paid for my air faire a few times when we were doing the long distance thing. All of his "bummyness" started when he moved to this state and was unable to get a well paying job. New York's job market is a little more competitive than the little po dunk town he came from. Don't get me wrong, he has some other MAJOR character flaws that he needs to work through, but I don't think he would purposely hold out on me if he actually had the means to provide for me and the baby.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
why wasn't employment secure before he moved in with you? did you talk about what was to be expected when he got there? did you tell him upfront i need you to pay this portion of the bills? why didn't he work on getting certified from jump? he knows how the construction/skilled labor game works.
it seems nothing was discussed or planned before the big move. it reminds me of Why Did I Get Married Two. he moved to be with her and closer to his family. he had a lot going for himself when he was in his element. now he is having a difficult time find employment and it is putting a strain on his marriage.
he might be just going through something. if you feel your husband isn't a bum and going though a hard time, then work with a brother. we are only going off on what you are telling us. but he needs to work part-time. even if it is at night or the weekends. he doesn't need to be sitting in the house, plus you need some more money coming in to cover the bills. he can watch the baby during the day, go to class and work a part time job. mothers do it all of the time. it's the holiday season, so i'm sure businesses are looking for part-time help. it might be a hit to his ego to take a lower paying , less than stellar gig, but you are not about to sit in the dark and cold. if that's the case, he can go back to wherever he came from with that attitude. tell him you are not about to carry all of the weight. you need him to bring some money in.
i know the type of work he in, is like playing the lottery. he may get a gig that will keep him around for several months and it will pay very well. once the contract is up, he has to start all over again looking for work, unless the person he contracts for has steady jobs coming in. so when he gets money, you have to save and live below your means to make sure you can cover the down time.
if he is a good man, a good father, and over all a good husband, then give him a chance to get it together. but if he is a bum and you are making excuses, so you won't look bad in the choice you made, you need to just kick him to the curb.
it seems nothing was discussed or planned before the big move. it reminds me of Why Did I Get Married Two. he moved to be with her and closer to his family. he had a lot going for himself when he was in his element. now he is having a difficult time find employment and it is putting a strain on his marriage.
he might be just going through something. if you feel your husband isn't a bum and going though a hard time, then work with a brother. we are only going off on what you are telling us. but he needs to work part-time. even if it is at night or the weekends. he doesn't need to be sitting in the house, plus you need some more money coming in to cover the bills. he can watch the baby during the day, go to class and work a part time job. mothers do it all of the time. it's the holiday season, so i'm sure businesses are looking for part-time help. it might be a hit to his ego to take a lower paying , less than stellar gig, but you are not about to sit in the dark and cold. if that's the case, he can go back to wherever he came from with that attitude. tell him you are not about to carry all of the weight. you need him to bring some money in.
i know the type of work he in, is like playing the lottery. he may get a gig that will keep him around for several months and it will pay very well. once the contract is up, he has to start all over again looking for work, unless the person he contracts for has steady jobs coming in. so when he gets money, you have to save and live below your means to make sure you can cover the down time.
if he is a good man, a good father, and over all a good husband, then give him a chance to get it together. but if he is a bum and you are making excuses, so you won't look bad in the choice you made, you need to just kick him to the curb.
SophieDulce
Well-Known Member
But they could at least pay for someone to help you around the house if they could´t. When I was dealing with my ¨bum¨guy I was emotionally attached to him that I rationalized a lot of stuff. I dont think you should divorce him, but I do think you should SEPERATE from him until he gets himself together. You´ll be able to think a lot clearer about what you want if he´s not around.
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Bklynqueen
Well-Known Member
Hi Perfextion, I think its obvious that you are not ready to leave your husband; you are not mentally, emotionally and physically ready to deal with it. I understand that as I've told you my personal story. As another poster stated, I think you are afraid; afraid of giving up on a marriage, being a single mother and yes, i'll say it, being single again. You may feel like you have failed. I totally understand those fears as I and many others here have been through similar thoughts. The thing is, and i'm not sure you realize this but you are already a single mother, just a "married single mom" which is IMO is worse because you have a partner who is reneging on the marriage contract, father contract and friend contract.
You did not fail, you stood by your vows and gave your love, your time and your strength in the relationship. You are providing for your child and contributing to the household and working every day to keep your house afloat. You are doing a 2 person job, which will, if not already exhaust you physically & mentally. You just happen to love someone who may not know how to love you in the right way and may just love himself a whole lot more.
I will take a little bit of the advice that everyone has given you and apply to you;
1. Everyone says " Leave", I say, get your ducks in a row and plan for " just in case". When you are finally fed up, then you have made a decision.
2. Pray for your relationship: I think you have already done this so I say pray for yourself- pray for strength to take it one day at a time, pray for sanity and pray for peace of mind so you can have the confidence to do what you need to do and to stick with it.
3. Babies are not babies forever, don't put yourself in a situation that you will have to explain to your daughter as she gets older. Children are intuitive and no dummies.
4. I have to disagree with the poster who said men respond to facts; you can give a man facts all day long and they will either be defensive and throw you under the bus, deny or tune you out. Men respond to action and ultimatums-always! If you issue an ultimatum, stand by your words and follow by action. Don't talk about it, be about it.
5. Get some self help books and join a mommy message board or a board similar to issues you are going through. You would be surprised at some of the things posted but also how comforting that you are not alone in your troubles.
As for your hubby, no more babysitting and hand holding, let him be A MAN!!! Let him do it himself, he shouldn't ask if he should go back to school to get certified- he should just get up and go. He's setting you up to be you a mommy to him and not a wife. He will resent you for the mommy role he put you in. He shouldn't have to ask your permission in issues regarding his own self improvement, he needs to do the damn thing. You should not have to ask for money, he should be asking if you have enough and what more can he do? If money is tight, he should be able to communicate with you in an adult manner and not a vindictive, passive aggresive way. Men are very good at pretending that they can't do anything by themselves, they can and they will if they have no choice. So dont give him options, let him stand on his big grown feet.
You did not fail, you stood by your vows and gave your love, your time and your strength in the relationship. You are providing for your child and contributing to the household and working every day to keep your house afloat. You are doing a 2 person job, which will, if not already exhaust you physically & mentally. You just happen to love someone who may not know how to love you in the right way and may just love himself a whole lot more.
I will take a little bit of the advice that everyone has given you and apply to you;
1. Everyone says " Leave", I say, get your ducks in a row and plan for " just in case". When you are finally fed up, then you have made a decision.
2. Pray for your relationship: I think you have already done this so I say pray for yourself- pray for strength to take it one day at a time, pray for sanity and pray for peace of mind so you can have the confidence to do what you need to do and to stick with it.
3. Babies are not babies forever, don't put yourself in a situation that you will have to explain to your daughter as she gets older. Children are intuitive and no dummies.
4. I have to disagree with the poster who said men respond to facts; you can give a man facts all day long and they will either be defensive and throw you under the bus, deny or tune you out. Men respond to action and ultimatums-always! If you issue an ultimatum, stand by your words and follow by action. Don't talk about it, be about it.
5. Get some self help books and join a mommy message board or a board similar to issues you are going through. You would be surprised at some of the things posted but also how comforting that you are not alone in your troubles.
As for your hubby, no more babysitting and hand holding, let him be A MAN!!! Let him do it himself, he shouldn't ask if he should go back to school to get certified- he should just get up and go. He's setting you up to be you a mommy to him and not a wife. He will resent you for the mommy role he put you in. He shouldn't have to ask your permission in issues regarding his own self improvement, he needs to do the damn thing. You should not have to ask for money, he should be asking if you have enough and what more can he do? If money is tight, he should be able to communicate with you in an adult manner and not a vindictive, passive aggresive way. Men are very good at pretending that they can't do anything by themselves, they can and they will if they have no choice. So dont give him options, let him stand on his big grown feet.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Perfexion
I think this thread has run it's course. You've gotten tons of advice. If I were you I'd give it another year and see what happens. It is obvious that you still love him and that you don't want to get divorced. So give it go. I know you are disappointed and angry, but mostly I think you are hurt by the turn of events. Everything will work out one way or the other. Enjoy your holidays the best you can, plan for a positive 2013, pray, think positively. I think you need time to process everything. I understand why most are saying leave, I think your head is telling you to leave, but your heart still feels tied to him and that's okay. Either things will turn around or you will be done. Like my mom always says, it'll all come out in the wash. I'm glad you posted. Your story is relevant and may serve as a cautionary tale to other women.
I think this thread has run it's course. You've gotten tons of advice. If I were you I'd give it another year and see what happens. It is obvious that you still love him and that you don't want to get divorced. So give it go. I know you are disappointed and angry, but mostly I think you are hurt by the turn of events. Everything will work out one way or the other. Enjoy your holidays the best you can, plan for a positive 2013, pray, think positively. I think you need time to process everything. I understand why most are saying leave, I think your head is telling you to leave, but your heart still feels tied to him and that's okay. Either things will turn around or you will be done. Like my mom always says, it'll all come out in the wash. I'm glad you posted. Your story is relevant and may serve as a cautionary tale to other women.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Perfexion
Well-Known Member
See this is what I'm trying to figure out before I leave him. I agree that I did dive in head first to a situation without thinking it through completely. I was blind sided by love and I am really embarrassed to admit that. But I'm just as confused as all of you as to why a seemingly hard working man would suddenly became a complete bum for no reason. I think in order for me to determine whether he is a bum or just down on his luck, things need to be parallel to how they were in his old state, meaning if he has all of his certifications and licenses, and STILL doesn't get stable work then I will know he's just a bum and I can let him go. What if the only thing that has been holding him back all this time was a piece of paper that certifies him in this state? I don't know if that is a valid reason or an excuse.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
well, like hopeful said, give it a year. a new year is approaching. work picks up in the spring/summer. certifications don't take long.
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
ThirdEyeBeauty
Well-Known Member
It's possible he could be severely depressed. Depression can have you give up. Still, do what is best for you.
bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
Two things:
1)Any other December what you are saying would be true for NY however after hurricaine Sandy there are contractors, insurance companies, state utilities in desperate need for skilled laborers NOW. If he has this experience in another state he does not need to go to a months long recertification process. I couldn't find the original article but he's in the business - his contacts will now. People are coming up here from all over to work there is no reason he can't get ahead of people with zero experience.
2) What that police officer told you regarding putting him out and establishing custody first was not true. Check with a local lawyer to give you the facts (I'm not one) but I'm here in NY.
Why do you think those are your only choices? How about aiming for a man that is generous with what he has and appreciates you no matter what money he has? Even if he doesn't do for you he should be doing for his child? How about aiming for a man that has concrete plans to grow with you?
Stick it out if your aren't ready to leave but just set your standards correctly.
ThirdEyeBeauty
Well-Known Member
I don't want to derail the thread but I'm sorry, what?
You have seen my quote used as an excuse for men to do nothing and you are upset that depression is a real illness?
Maybe this topic should be left for another thread.
HanaKuroi
Well-Known Member
ThirdEyeBeauty said:
I have seen many black men "claim" depression. It was used as a tool to control when all other methods failed.
As I said, depression is real and too many people use it to get their way as a last ditch effort. It makes me mad when people offer up depression as an excuse for poor behavior.
It is an insult to people that really suffer from it.
People throw it out there as a reason for everything.
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MuseofTroy
Well-Known Member
If your name is on the lease/mortage/deed/ then kick *** behind out. Change the longs. This pathetic excuse for a male is just taking up space. My father said any man who doesn't provide for his family is worthless. I also believe that this man lied about taking care of his ex wife. In fact she probably kicked him to the curve. Lazy men have a pattern of jumping from one woman to another. A man with a good work ethic will treat finding a job like a full time position. The fact that this loser is not even willing to enhance his education in order to help out in the household speaks volumes. Bottom line, he doesn't respect you at all. My heart still hurts at the fact that you didn't have financial support from him while pregnant with his child. As another posted stated, start your exit plan. I don't think you should have to leave YOUR house.
ThirdEyeBeauty
Well-Known Member
I understand and agree. Some people use it to get their way. I still believe it's a possibility that he may have it but also I said that one must do what is best for them. No one should have to stay in the relationship because he or she is truly depressed or claiming depression as a tool to control. You can be supportive and still no longer be in the relationship. Sometimes leaving a situation can help with coping.
bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
I think she meant while depression is a REAL illness too many times its used as an excuse for piss poor behavior that has nothing to do with depression.
Too many times I've seen women use their men's refusal to hustle as signpost for depression when its just laziness or indifference. The man that can keep his closet full of sneakers or buy the latest of every electronic trinket that he wants but has to be nagged to help with any household bills is not depressed.
A man that has cut off his relationships with family and friends and is other wise not his normal self may very well be depressed.
There's a distinct difference and not knowing it leads to "pray on it" responses instead of dealing with the facts as they are.
