I just realized I love him....

[Princess4real]

I agree with this total post. You two will do nothing but fight! The both of you will spend your time, bringing up the "well you did this" over and over again, until one of you gets the balls to just let it go.

ETA: You asked for our opinion and we are giving it to you. I'm sorry, too many sister's like to sugarcoat stuff to make the poster feel better. They say things happen for a reason. No relationship should have to be this hard. People sending him pictures and you sending people pictures.[/quote]

I think you're saying relationships shouldn't be hard? That's true, to a degree...people do need to put in work every now and again...not everything is easy. I think alot of times, we give up b/c we don't want to put in that work.

I do things happen for a reason - this could be the key to us going our seperate ways...or it could have an opposite effect in making us stronger...who knows. Time will tell.

And to clarify, no one was sending him pictures...that was my dumb arse

Oh, I thought females was sending your man pictures. I just don't want to see you get hurt. I know it's easier said than done, but if he doesn't act right after you two get back together, do not stay in that relationship. There are too many men out there that will treat you right!

 

[TCatt86]

yup men are predictable

I didnt even cheat , but went out with a friend when he upset me, he made me pay hell for that! double standard mutha fudgers!

OMG!!! You are speaking the truth. I have alot of male friends, when I was with my ex he would have a b**** fit if I talked to one and I had one I am extremely close with that I would go out with. Well after we broke up we were talking (yeah I know) about how he played me and had started sexing someone soon after the break up. You know this ***** had the nerve to compare my non sexual friendship with my friend to his sexual relationship with another woman. Then proceeded to call me a liar because I wasn't telling him when I would talk to my male friends or if I went out with one. And I couldn't be trusted because I was a liar and that's why he had SEX with someone else. I was just like *****, you are the one that had sex with someone like a day after we broke up, so more than likely you were screwing her while we were together and I'm a liar. Yeah ok

Men have a crazy double standard, if you love him, don't fall back press on. But he is going to make you pay. And he will always bring up what you did despite how he messes up. But you can make it work, there will be days when you will want to say forget him but if you love him and want to be with him you have to press on. Best of Luck!!!

 

[redbone_412]

Oh, I thought females was sending your man pictures. I just don't want to see you get hurt. I know it's easier said than done, but if he doesn't act right after you two get back together, do not stay in that relationship. There are too many men out there that will treat you right!

Thank you for looking out....I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give me their opinions, stories, personal experiences, etc.

Sometimes I wonder if its a sign to go our seperate ways...I won't like...I was devastated for about two days...now I'm just missing him...a little. So I will def take another posters advice and think LONG and HARD about what I want. I would love to at least have the opportunity to speak to him to end it instead of just never speaking again...but we'll see. But if we do get back together and its looking shady...I'm O-U-T!

 

[Irresistible]

OMG!!! You are speaking the truth. I have alot of male friends, when I was with my ex he would have a b**** fit if I talked to one and I had one I am extremely close with that I would go out with. Well after we broke up we were talking (yeah I know) about how he played me and had started sexing someone soon after the break up. You know this ***** had the nerve to compare my non sexual friendship with my friend to his sexual relationship with another woman. Then proceeded to call me a liar because I wasn't telling him when I would talk to my male friends or if I went out with one. And I couldn't be trusted because I was a liar and that's why he had SEX with someone else. I was just like *****, you are the one that had sex with someone like a day after we broke up, so more than likely you were screwing her while we were together and I'm a liar. Yeah ok

Men have a crazy double standard, if you love him, don't fall back press on. But he is going to make you pay. And he will always bring up what you did despite how he messes up. But you can make it work, there will be days when you will want to say forget him but if you love him and want to be with him you have to press on. Best of Luck!!!

They all come with 'selective amnesia' about the shyt they do!

men suck!

 

[tocktick]

you blew it... let that man go & have a chance at happiness elsewhere... he will never trust you again even if he does take you back... its not fair to either of you...

chalk it up as a lesson and pray that if ya find love again, ya realize and appreciate it before ya *** it up again

my sentiments exactly. i can understand you're hurting but you made a big mistake. in my mind, you cheated by accepting the graphic pictures and going further by sending a sexy one of yourself.

i think that if you were in his shoes and posting on the board, asking lhcf if you should take him back people would be telling you to cut your losses, don't be stupid, you're worth more, red flags . imo, the same applies to your SO. he deserves more. and so do you, in fact. you deserve more from yourself first and foremost because it seems you were you're own worst enemy in all of this. you self-sabotaged your own happiness.

you need to figure out what made you do this (the real issue - the "we were going through a rough patch" excuse is weak) and why you were even with a man for so long yet never really admitted to yourself how much you cared about him.

if he does take you back then i think you two should go to counselling. all the best to you.

 

[SoUKnoMe]

my sentiments exactly. i can understand you're hurting but you made a big mistake. in my mind, you cheated by accepting the graphic pictures and going further by sending a sexy one of yourself.

i think that if you were in his shoes and posting on the board, asking lhcf if you should take him back people would be telling you to cut your losses, don't be stupid, you're worth more, red flags . imo, the same applies to your SO. he deserves more. and so do you, in fact. you deserve more from yourself first and foremost because it seems you were you're own worst enemy in all of this. you self-sabotaged your own happiness.

you need to figure out what made you do this (the real issue - the "we were going through a rough patch" excuse is weak) and why you were even with a man for so long yet never really admitted to yourself how much you cared about him.

if he does take you back then i think you two should go to counselling. all the best to you.

Good post.

It is sad that you realized that you loved him after it was jeopardized, but not in love with him when you were weighing your options with the sexually explicit communications with the other guy.

I am sure that your guy will come back to test the waters, but only for a physical moment. Even then in his mind you will be relegated to the position not reserved for his wife.

I say move on, work on what it is that you really want out of life so that when you are presented with another good man you will not handle the gift like it was trash.

 

[Irresistible]

how can you guys be so sure of a set outcome for this situation? There are many variables and people get through worse!

God keeps together what he brings together

and healing is possible, not easy ,but possible

 

[tocktick]

how can you guys be so sure of a set outcome for this situation? There are many variables and people get through worse!

God keeps together what he brings together

and healing is possible, not easy ,but possible

i'm not sure of the outcome of this situation in particular since every situation like this will not be the same. however, based on what OP has said of her SO's reaction, it is quite plain to see this battle will not be easily won, if at all. healing is certainly possible but imo, successful healing doesn't mean OP will be back with her SO. healing, imo, is the OP working through her issues and forgiving herself and learning from her mistakes and her SO forgiving her. his forgiveness doesn't mean that he'll take her back though.

 

[Cincysweetie]

I don't really have anything more to add about getting your man back...

...but I do wanna say DO NOT send scandalous photos/videos of yourself!!!!! When will women learn?! Once those pics/videos are out there, they are OUT THERE for anyone and EVERYONE to see. You never know when they can come back to haunt you. You have no control over those pictures that you sent anymore. I bet in a way your man feels like another man "had" his chick and can have her over and over again as often as he looks at those pics...and I'm sure he questions whether or not anyone else has "had" his chick (has the other dude shared the pics w/ his boys, etc.?) Sis, you are BEAUTIFUL...please THINK!

 

[fuchsiastar]

Thank you for the words....I do feel like I owe it to him (for hurting him) and to myself to try....if I feel like I'm not getting anywhere after some time...then I will let it go. But I am not going to just walk away. That's too easy. I'm not looking for the easy way out. I know that this situation has opened my eyes and I hope it opens his. I hope that he is thinking about not only the things he may/may not have been doing but also what he did to contribute to what I did. I asked him to talk to me. He chose not to talk about our problems alot of times b/c he felt like if we don't talk about it right then and there, then its too late. Because of that, alot of stuff went unresolved.

OOOH Girl! I have so been there before. There is definitely some work to be done, but don't worry your head too much. If there is true love there (which it sounds like there is) then your relationship will turn out fine. You are a grown woman who seems to understand the realities of a relationship and you made some important points in the bolded. I did some stupid stuff also (not pictures, just hanging out that got found out through text messages...so not player, i know) in my relationship....we both did the necessary work to get through the situation and now we are engaged....so trust me when I say it can work

I think it's important for both of you to recognize the reasons why this situation happened. In my case it was loneliness that promped me to have an inappropriate friendship with another guy. I kept telling him that I was lonely, and he kept saying he could see how that could be and he would make some changes in his schedule/life. But those changes never happened. So I took matters into my own hands...which was such a huge mistake

We went through several stages. His initial reaction was rage and wanting to kill the dude, and being totally disgusted with me. His cousin had to get him to calm down finally that evening when he found out. Then he spent the entire next day drinking at his cousins house. He was the most drunk I think he had ever been in his life and I was concerned he had alcohol poisoning...it was a bad day The next evening he told me he loved me but couldn't deal with thinking that I had been with someone else.....which I hadn't, but his male brain immediately went to "they had sex" when he saw the text messages. The next few months I had to regain his trust and deal with snarky comments about what had been done. When he finally got all of that out of his system and realized that I wasn't going anywhere and that it hurt my feelings for him to bring it up, he initiated the real conversation that needed to happen. The conversation that said "I know you have done some stuff, I played a part in that, but now the situation is going to be different and it's going to be you and I, no jealousy and no bull'ish allowed anymore, ok?".

The months after that conversation things were brought up a few more times, but it wasn't constant like at first. I think his bad memories about that situation faded, and got replaced with better memories. To be honest, I don't think the situation has even been spoken on since maybe a few months after the final conversation. All of this jumped off a little over a year and a half ago, and now we are engaged!! To be honest, I can't even remember the dudes name who was the cause of all the drama. One day you will look back on all of this like Claire Huxtable looked at Eunice Chantilly.....two drops in a bucket.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I agree with this total post. You two will do nothing but fight! The both of you will spend your time, bringing up the "well you did this" over and over again, until one of you gets the balls to just let it go.

I agree, but I think the fighting phase will only last for so long. Also, letting it go doesn't mean letting the relationship go when it's real love. Letting it go means making the decision to love one another at a level thats above everything that you just went through. The OP just has to work on continuing to love him and show it enough so that at a certian point he feels foolish bringing up some silly stuff to this wonderful woman who loves him.

Also, I forgot to say, you MUST stop all communications to the other guy. Like ALL communications. It might be helpful for you to call dude in front of the main guy, but not necessary. Just make sure your main guy knows that you no longer communicate with the offender.

 

[Trinity1]

Ok, ladies...I need your helperplexed

I'm going to be very honest so that I can get honest feedback...this is not only hard for me, its embarrassing.

I've known my boyfriend for almost 4 years...we just got back together in October after a year apart. We've been going through it lately and I was really trying to decide if I even wanted to be with him anymore. So, during this "rough patch", I've been having online (i.e. email, chat,etc) interaction w/a guy I used to talk to in college. We've never been intimate but we always discussed what we would do if/when we get to that point. So over the last two weeks, he's been sending some pretty graphic pictures and so I sent him some (I had on lingerie in mine though). So then he sends me a video of himself playing with his "you know what" and it hit me at that moment that I was playin myself. So I called him (we never talk on the phone) and told him that I was involved w/someone, sorry if I led him on, etc. That was that.

Sunday, my boyfriend asked if I was happy and I told him no and that I needed to figure out if we should be together, etc. I think he sensed something was wrong b/c I've been falling back the last couple of weeks. So Monday I go to work and leave my laptop at his house. He went to use it and my email was up...guess curiosity got the best of him and he goes through my inbox and sent mail...so you can pretty much guess what he seen. He even sends the guy a graphic note pretending to be me.

He calls me at work and proceeds to question everything I've ever told him (I love him, I want to build a family with him, etc). He then asks if I've been faithful and I say "yes" (I've never been physical or gone out w/anyone else). He doesn't believe me and says to come get my stuff from his house. Now, at this point I have NO clue whats going on until the guy calls me breaking b/c he doesn't understand what type of game I'm playing telling him not to contact me and then sending a graphic email.

So to sum this up - I went and got my stuff...he called me just about every name you could think of...said I disgusted him, etc. I told him I was sorry for hurting him and of course his response - "you didn't hurt me, I don't even care". Now, I knew that he was gonna be on defense mode so I didn't try to talk to him. I figured I'd let him cool off.

The day after (Tuesday) was extremely difficult but Wed and Thurs were pretty good. But it him yesterday - I really do love this man and really want to be with him. But I hurt him. Now he'll never trust me and you know men are not as forgiving as us

What do I do? I've never been in this type of predicament...do you guys have any suggestions???? I know that if I want him back...I have to put in WORK...I'm going to have to think like a guy and things that guys do when they are in "the dog house".

Sorry this is so long guys.....I just really need help. Thank you for reading my soap opera

You mentioned that your boyfriend called you every name in the book. I'm not too big on a man calling a woman out of name. No matter how angry they are,there should always be a certain level of respect.


TeeTee2

 

[Irresistible]

OOOH Girl! I have so been there before. There is definitely some work to be done, but don't worry your head too much. If there is true love there (which it sounds like there is) then your relationship will turn out fine. You are a grown woman who seems to understand the realities of a relationship and you made some important points in the bolded. I did some stupid stuff also (not pictures, just hanging out that got found out through text messages...so not player, i know) in my relationship....we both did the necessary work to get through the situation and now we are engaged....so trust me when I say it can work

I think it's important for both of you to recognize the reasons why this situation happened. In my case it was loneliness that promped me to have an inappropriate friendship with another guy. I kept telling him that I was lonely, and he kept saying he could see how that could be and he would make some changes in his schedule/life. But those changes never happened. So I took matters into my own hands...which was such a huge mistake

We went through several stages. His initial reaction was rage and wanting to kill the dude, and being totally disgusted with me. His cousin had to get him to calm down finally that evening when he found out. Then he spent the entire next day drinking at his cousins house. He was the most drunk I think he had ever been in his life and I was concerned he had alcohol poisoning...it was a bad day The next evening he told me he loved me but couldn't deal with thinking that I had been with someone else.....which I hadn't, but his male brain immediately went to "they had sex" when he saw the text messages. The next few months I had to regain his trust and deal with snarky comments about what had been done. When he finally got all of that out of his system and realized that I wasn't going anywhere and that it hurt my feelings for him to bring it up, he initiated the real conversation that needed to happen. The conversation that said "I know you have done some stuff, I played a part in that, but now the situation is going to be different and it's going to be you and I, no jealousy and no bull'ish allowed anymore, ok?".

The months after that conversation things were brought up a few more times, but it wasn't constant like at first. I think his bad memories about that situation faded, and got replaced with better memories. To be honest, I don't think the situation has even been spoken on since maybe a few months after the final conversation. All of this jumped off a little over a year and a half ago, and now we are engaged!! To be honest, I can't even remember the dudes name who was the cause of all the drama. One day you will look back on all of this like Claire Huxtable looked at Eunice Chantilly.....two drops in a bucket.

Sad to say that your saying you did the wrong thing and it might have been, but sometimes its actually the right thing, since men dont listen, and take so much for granted and dont know what they feel untill they FEEL it!

But this is what I was saying about everyone just summing this situation up as impossible, it isnt!

 

[Ivonnovi]

I dunno.....

When you can, & quickly, let him know how you feel.

Even if ya gotta use the old "Baby I'd rather be miserable with you than happy with someone else". Just Mean it & say it like you mean it!!!!!

Time heals all wounds, you just have to stick around to see how this one heals.

 

[redbone_412]

Good post.

It is sad that you realized that you loved him after it was jeopardized, but not in love with him when you were weighing your options with the sexually explicit communications with the other guy.

I am sure that your guy will come back to test the waters, but only for a physical moment. Even then in his mind you will be relegated to the position not reserved for his wife.

I say move on, work on what it is that you really want out of life so that when you are presented with another good man you will not handle the gift like it was trash.

I didn't realize I loved him...I mentioned that in another post that I should have titled this thread "I realized I do really want to be with him"...but you are right, it was after I jeopardized our relationship...I take complete responsibility for that. But, I will not go as far to say I treated him or our relationship like trash. I told him on several occasions that we needed to talk about our issues and he kept pushing that to the side. I said I was lonely, would have liked more attention, etc. No, I don't think its a great excuse b/c I know I don't have a leg to stand on but that was what it was. And that's nothing but the truth.

But I do appreciate your honesty in your post b/c whether I stay w/him or not, you've given me another angle in my decision process...thank you.

 

[fuchsiastar]

how can you guys be so sure of a set outcome for this situation? There are many variables and people get through worse!

God keeps together what he brings together

and healing is possible, not easy ,but possible

ITA! The outcome is not set and the situation is not over. Even though I can't stand Kells I appreciate his song "Prayer Changes" for the testimony that it gives. People have been through much worse than some naughty pics on the internet....and stayed....and made it work all to God's glory. This situation is so small, and if the OP and her man are meant to be, it will be less than a blip on a screen within a year.

Here's my advice. I warn you, it's extreme and suited to the strong Scorpio personality that I have: Call him every day for the next two weeks. Call him just once per day and if he doesn't answer just leave a voicemail. Let him know that you love him and you are very sorry about what he saw on the email, and that absolutely nothing happened, and that you have ended all communications with the other dude. Also tell him that you are open to seeing him whenever he wants, but respect his need for some space away from you. And always end the message with "I love you". If he needs space, it will take him about two weeks to be able to talk to you. If not, he may be talking to you within a few days. When you do talk to him, leave the other dude out of it and be clear to him about the feelings that pushed you towards the inappropriate relationship. Take all of the blame. So in my situation I said "It was all my fault, I felt lonely and should have just called some girlfriends, but instead I did something else that was so damaging to our relationship. I'm sorry and I will never do something to put what we have in jeopardy like that ever again." In time, he will question himself as to why his lady had to go to someone else to be fulfilled. Once that question becomes a burning one, he will want to start working on the relationship. Thats probably the best time to start talking about what situations made you compelled to look elsewhere for male companionship. In my case, this is the stage where we started talking about having the right balance between working, caring for aging parents, and taking care of each others needs. From then, you're good to go....the process may take a few months, maybe more. But you'll have your man, if you really want him

Oh, and like someone else said, make sure you really want him. The process I described above definitely takes two open hearts, so if you feel like his heart is not open or he is just not responding after a few months, please Keep It Moving! You are too cute and life is too short to try to make somebody love you. Best of Luck!