Perfexion
Well-Known Member
My mother thinks his divorce ruined him but that seems like a far stretch to me. I was married before too and all that experience did for me was lower my tolerance for bullsh.
Update: I think I'm ready to leave him
- Thread starter Perfexion
- Start date
My mother thinks his divorce ruined him but that seems like a far stretch to me. I was married before too and all that experience did for me was lower my tolerance for bullsh.
Perfexion
Well-Known Member
I have a mortgage. I can't get him to leave without taking him to court though. It's just easier for me to leave but I know it's financial suicide on my part. I don't know what else to do.
MixedBerry
All I want to do is drink and fuhk.
It was obvious from the beginning
That person is just being messy
What?! Me, messy?? I was just sayin! Again, I see why folks stay in that "Suggestion, Requests, Q and A" forum posting delete my thread requests and how some threads seem to mysteriously begin with a "deleted by user" post. I'm just sayin.
Shoot, you messy for calling me messy!
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
Notice how none of her responses have anything to do with the OP, not even a condolences (*smh*
Perfexion, I still think you should put your words into action first, SEE if he does anything before completely giving up...
Perfexion, I still think you should put your words into action first, SEE if he does anything before completely giving up...
hopeful
Well-Known Member
You don't need to do that
, commit financial suicide
. Breathe. There has to be another way. From here on out it's gotta be about you and your baby winning, not losing. I had a friend whose husband quit his job right after they married, he seemed to not get that he had to work, he just didn't care
. After years of on and off work, he seems to have finally settled into working steadily, but it took a long time.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
You don't need to do that
Yes, do what you need to do to come out of this in the best possible way, including cooling your heels for awhile while you plan your exit if you're committed to leaving.
I'd be careful about walking out at the end of the year just to live up to an ultimatum.
ThatJerseyGirl
Well-Known Member
Im confused. So you both were married before? Didn't you know he couldn't hold a job previously?
Damn if I would pack my shyt n leave and here it is winter time and its cold outside. Damn dat. And damn it to hell if I would be tryna raise a man on some come up, payin for him to go to school and use his brain so he can be gainfully employed. You already breastfeedin one baby, now u gotta breastfeed his azzz. Damn dat shyt.
Imma lot olda than most on this board, so my views aren't the same as most. Imma lil old fashioned when it comes to stuff like dis hea.
Let his momma breastfeed him. Shyt...cuz imma tell u now, it won't end well. It aint like you'll be able to get child support from him. And if u do break up with him, let it be for good. In otha words, don't shy and fall back in it!
Good luck chile...
Damn if I would pack my shyt n leave and here it is winter time and its cold outside. Damn dat. And damn it to hell if I would be tryna raise a man on some come up, payin for him to go to school and use his brain so he can be gainfully employed. You already breastfeedin one baby, now u gotta breastfeed his azzz. Damn dat shyt.
Imma lot olda than most on this board, so my views aren't the same as most. Imma lil old fashioned when it comes to stuff like dis hea.
Let his momma breastfeed him. Shyt...cuz imma tell u now, it won't end well. It aint like you'll be able to get child support from him. And if u do break up with him, let it be for good. In otha words, don't shy and fall back in it!
Good luck chile...
ManeStreet
Well-Known Member
I agree 100%. I said that in the last thread too. I believe this is the real him.
deltagyrl
Well-Known Member
OP, this was rough to read because he sounds like my ex.
I don't necessarily agree with the ultimatum/leaving advice. I went that route HARD and it just inflamed the situation. That being said, the only person you can control is you.
I would hunker down, save, get counseling and pray. Do you want to be married? Do you want your child to have a broken home? Do you want to be a single mother? Be real honest with yourself about what it is you want long term. Not sure of your faith but if you are a believer, God can change things. Not suggesting that it will be easy, but if what you want is to stay married to the same man, that's okay.
Hugs to you.
I don't necessarily agree with the ultimatum/leaving advice. I went that route HARD and it just inflamed the situation. That being said, the only person you can control is you.
I would hunker down, save, get counseling and pray. Do you want to be married? Do you want your child to have a broken home? Do you want to be a single mother? Be real honest with yourself about what it is you want long term. Not sure of your faith but if you are a believer, God can change things. Not suggesting that it will be easy, but if what you want is to stay married to the same man, that's okay.
Hugs to you.
If he's willing to go to counseling that might help. At least you'll know you tried everything.
NappyNelle
Kinky Coily 4A, Fine Strands, WSL
I'm so sorry it came down to this. I'm so angry for you. It's not like you haven't been a supportive and especially hard working wife. You and your baby do not deserve this at all.
You and your baby do not deserve this at all. 
Belle Du Jour
Well-Known Member
Sorry that OP is in this situation but this is the kind of thing that scares me about marriage. Did you know this about him before you married him or can men really change that much? Scary.
nono:barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
sorry you're going through this OP 
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
Perfexion
Well-Known Member
He isn't willing to go to counseling. I didn't know he was a bum before I married him because he told me that he worked all his life and I had no reason not to believe him. After all, he had two jobs when we were dating. But I don't believe he was that hard working either anymore. I agree with PP who said he probably worked because he had to since his ex wife wasn't working. If I didn't have a career that I've invested so much time into, I'd quit too just to see if he will step up and do what he's supposed to do. Clearly he only responds to flames. But I don't want to raise my baby on my own. I don't want to get divorced and I do love him, but what am I supposed to do? He says he doesn't want to hear me complaining about money. He says he doesn't want to know our financial situation. He saysI act like I'm his mother but I think it's more that he acts like he is a child. What kind of grown ***, married man doesn't care about the household bills? I'd kinda understand that attitude if he was making decent money and giving it all to me to pay bills, but he has not had a steady job since we've been married and when he does work it's not even a quarter of my salary so he probably should care how the bills are getting paid.
But here's another mini update: He did get laid off this morning so he is once again unemployed. He did, however, enroll in a certification program last night so I guess a part of him knew he was going to be laid off today. He asked me if he should try to look for another job right now since his classes start right after New Year's or if he should stay home with the baby so we save $2000 a month in daycare. His classes are in the evening and on weekends when I'm off work so we wouldn't need daycare anymore if he stayed home. I don't know if that changes my mind about the ultimatum but I am ECSTATIC that he finally enrolled in a program because at least if he gets some certifications and his licenses back he will be more marketable and might even be able to get connections to join a union. In the meantime though, we are still down to one income and his program is five months long. I have to decide whether it is worth supporting him (emotionally and financially) for the next 5 months while he gets his ish together or if I want to leave now and cut my losses and try to rebuild my life when I get my tax refund next year. Since the house and all of the bills are in my name it probably wouldn't be a good idea to just leave. And he did pay the electric bill so they won't cut our lights off. I guess he's trying to make it work after all, but why do I have to threaten to leave him every time before he decides to step up?
But here's another mini update: He did get laid off this morning so he is once again unemployed. He did, however, enroll in a certification program last night so I guess a part of him knew he was going to be laid off today. He asked me if he should try to look for another job right now since his classes start right after New Year's or if he should stay home with the baby so we save $2000 a month in daycare. His classes are in the evening and on weekends when I'm off work so we wouldn't need daycare anymore if he stayed home. I don't know if that changes my mind about the ultimatum but I am ECSTATIC that he finally enrolled in a program because at least if he gets some certifications and his licenses back he will be more marketable and might even be able to get connections to join a union. In the meantime though, we are still down to one income and his program is five months long. I have to decide whether it is worth supporting him (emotionally and financially) for the next 5 months while he gets his ish together or if I want to leave now and cut my losses and try to rebuild my life when I get my tax refund next year. Since the house and all of the bills are in my name it probably wouldn't be a good idea to just leave. And he did pay the electric bill so they won't cut our lights off. I guess he's trying to make it work after all, but why do I have to threaten to leave him every time before he decides to step up?
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
First off, I'm sorry for you OP. I was reading the other thread and I felt for you then.
Re: the job vs watching the baby. And other people might have a different opinon. It might be better for him to watch the baby and save the 2k, unless he gets a job that's going to bring in that much money. Esp since he enrolled in the program, he can take care of his child when you are at work. but IMO it doesnt make financial sense to pay so much so he can have a low paying job.
Re: the job vs watching the baby. And other people might have a different opinon. It might be better for him to watch the baby and save the 2k, unless he gets a job that's going to bring in that much money. Esp since he enrolled in the program, he can take care of his child when you are at work. but IMO it doesnt make financial sense to pay so much so he can have a low paying job.
The OP's situation was full of Red Flags from the get-go.
All I can add is get legal and financial counsel. It's not his house (I doubt you added his name to the deed or lease agreement) so you can move him out.
You don't have to file for a divorce, but you can get a separation. I think your hubby needs to go sort himself out on his own.
This man has opened his own mouth to explicitly tell you the kind of future actions and behavior you are going to be getting. PLEASE BELIEVE HIM.
There are no excuses for him. He is not depressed. Also, please under no circumstances (if he quits his job) should you let him be the so called primary caretaker of the child. Like someone said, you could find yourself in the future paying alimony and child support down the line. Send your child to daycare. If you're using family or friends pay them with checks so you can have records.
Wish you the best.
ETA...............
I just read your update, and I'll still stick with my advice above. Something about your sitch rubs me the wrong way. Actions speaks louder than words. You really need to see consistent effort and reliable output from him before you can truly start trusting him.
Stick with the daycare, 'cos I feel that if he says he'll stay home and take care of the baby, that will be another excuse for why he's not able to study and focus on his certifications and there will be future issues with that.
I feel like he's going to do and say just enough to get you to back down and not feel the need to divorce/separate from him. He's smart, he know where his bread is buttered.
All I can add is get legal and financial counsel. It's not his house (I doubt you added his name to the deed or lease agreement) so you can move him out.
You don't have to file for a divorce, but you can get a separation. I think your hubby needs to go sort himself out on his own.
This man has opened his own mouth to explicitly tell you the kind of future actions and behavior you are going to be getting. PLEASE BELIEVE HIM.
There are no excuses for him. He is not depressed. Also, please under no circumstances (if he quits his job) should you let him be the so called primary caretaker of the child. Like someone said, you could find yourself in the future paying alimony and child support down the line. Send your child to daycare. If you're using family or friends pay them with checks so you can have records.
Wish you the best.
ETA...............
I just read your update, and I'll still stick with my advice above. Something about your sitch rubs me the wrong way. Actions speaks louder than words. You really need to see consistent effort and reliable output from him before you can truly start trusting him.
Stick with the daycare, 'cos I feel that if he says he'll stay home and take care of the baby, that will be another excuse for why he's not able to study and focus on his certifications and there will be future issues with that.
I feel like he's going to do and say just enough to get you to back down and not feel the need to divorce/separate from him. He's smart, he know where his bread is buttered.
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fasika
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry you're going through this Perfexion.
I'm not married nor have a child but I'd like to share my opinion.
Considering his past and current behavior, I'd absolutely not be ok with him staying home and watching your child for 5 months. If I were in your shoes, I'd use the next few months as a probationary period for him, to see if he's willing on being a provider. This would be his last chance to show he's serious about supporting his family. He can go to school at night and weekends, and work during the day in the meantime.
I'd rather pay the daycare, because I don't want him to ever get comfortable with the idea of being a SAHD. I wouldn't want to risk the chance that in the event of a divorce, he'd be granted physical custody, child support, plus alimony. Heck no!
I'm not married nor have a child but I'd like to share my opinion.
Considering his past and current behavior, I'd absolutely not be ok with him staying home and watching your child for 5 months. If I were in your shoes, I'd use the next few months as a probationary period for him, to see if he's willing on being a provider. This would be his last chance to show he's serious about supporting his family. He can go to school at night and weekends, and work during the day in the meantime.
I'd rather pay the daycare, because I don't want him to ever get comfortable with the idea of being a SAHD. I wouldn't want to risk the chance that in the event of a divorce, he'd be granted physical custody, child support, plus alimony. Heck no!
LifeafterLHCF
New Member
I know you say you love him but he doesn't love you. A man shows his love in way of making sure his wife doesn't do without and esp the kids. The fact that he feels like you are making him feel like ish and all that states he is insecure and the fact you make so much really flames that. I would save,pack his things and cut my losses. He could go through that little program and then say fluck you and bounce.I have seen that happen on more occassions that I desire. You have a baby that baby is everything. If he was worth fighting for I would be on that but he isn't. He is a bum to me a low life. No true man who is in love would do that. A man would be ashamed to let his woman do the heavy lifting. I'm sorry OP 2013 will be better with or without him.
Carrie A
Well-Known Member
Do you think that if he gets his certification it will change the fact that he can't keep a steady job? Maybe it's more if his work habits, and if those don't change he may never be able to keep a steady job certification or not. If it's a labor job he may eventually go the disability route if injured.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
she can't put him out. if you gotta fall so be it. you can rebuild. don't let nobody hold you hostage over a damn house. see what your options are. he is going to feel he is doing his part because he is going to get unemployment and assistance. he will play the role of you abandoning the situation. but let him get that you might be able to get assistance with your mortgage, utilities food, healthcare for the baby, etc.... it's just messed up that a man will put energy into that instead of getting certified. applying for assistance is a job within itself.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry you're going through this Perfexion.
I'm not married nor have a child but I'd like to share my opinion.
Considering his past and current behavior, I'd absolutely not be ok with him staying home and watching your child for 5 months. If I were in your shoes, I'd use the next few months as a probationary period for him, to see if he's willing on being a provider. This would be his last chance to show he's serious about supporting his family. He can go to school at night and weekends, and work during the day in the meantime.
I'd rather pay the daycare, because I don't want him to ever get comfortable with the idea of being a SAHD. I wouldn't want to risk the chance that in the event of a divorce, he'd be granted physical custody, child support, plus alimony. Heck no!
that's why she should leave. she can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. folks need to understand when you are married, you just can't put somebody out or make them do what you want. both parties gotta work together. if that man don't want to work and go to school, she can't put him out. and just because the baby might be in daycare, she would still be taking care of him. he is at home eating, using water, turning lights and tv on, etc....running up bills..
Keshieshimmer
Active Member
I thought the SAME thing. What a terrible situation!
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
she would have to put him out legally. and a separation cost just as much as a divorce. if his name isn't on anything, ask him to leave. or just pack his stuff up, give him some money to move and tell his mother he is on his way back to her.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
daycare is no joke for an infant. she might have to pay $500-$1000 a month just so she can keep him from watching the baby. she is in a bind no matter what.
how does he feel about the marriage? does he want to be married? does he want his family? his wife isn't happy with the choices he is making and he family is struggling because of lack of effort. i wouldn't trust him.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
ok he is showing an effort. do what is best. but get your plan in order. don't allow nobody to have you SOL. let him continue to make an effort and be supportive.
Mitre
Well-Known Member
This guy is using trick to make luck. Sorry OP but again this man sounds like a depressive/sociopath/trickstar Bum who saw you a mile away. I had an ex who asked me to have a child with him when I asked him who will take care of the baby he said the government would. Needless to say that was the last week I ever saw him again in my life. This guy saw a good thing and decided to set up shop. If you every get the chance read " the sociopath next door" . My ex was a bum who some how got involve with ambitious women and expected them to take care of him according to him there are a lot of women out there who are willing to take care of men he also said it is 5 woman to 1 man out there. I agree you need legal advice he does not sound like he wants to work.
Sent from my device using LHCF
Sent from my device using LHCF
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