So Black Men Really Don't Care if My Hair Is Nappy

[laurend]

I'm annoyed by the number of posts that are stuck on blaming the woman. That's the only thing that bothers me with this whole thing. I never said anyone was hassling me everyday or that I need people to give me validation about my hair. I love my hair regardless of who does or doesn't like it. That's not what this is about.

My attitude isn't "woe is me" and neither is anyone else's in this thread. The truth is black men do care about whether someone's hair is natural and they show it through their words and actions.

What annoys me is that no one seems to understand that if 80% of black women are relaxed because of the messages they received about their hair...how do you think those same messages have affected black men? Do you think they somehow are dumb, deaf, and blind to all the negative ideas surrounding natural hair?

Of course they aren't. And those ideas affect what they see as beautiful. Just like all women don't internalize the messages, neither do all men. But to say that black men have no interest either way really is just wrong. If they had no interest it wouldn't be played out in rap songs, music videos, books, television shows/movies, and in real life.

In really plain english, for many black men a beautiful woman is one who has a certain look and that "look" doesn't include natural type 4 hair. That's just the truth.

MSA don't waste your time responding sometimes people don't get it until they walk in your shoes. If most black men like natural hair 80% of AA women would be natural and 20% would be rocking relaxers and weaved hair.

 

[msa]

This is the complete opposite in my experience. MSA I don't know how old those men are, but the ones I'm around are about 23-28, they show a lot of appreciation for natural hair. I'm wondering if age is a factor.

Nope, they're the same age 23-30.

I think it is seriously a regional issue. And more than that, a specific niche within this region.

My friends and I all went to private schools with people's whose parents are celebrities. We grew up in the hollywood scene. If you go to the ET board, it's obvious what's considered beautiful in hollywood especially for a black woman. Name a black female celebrity who has type 4 hair and is considered sexy and desirable. I think the last one was Lauryn Hill...and she mostly wore locs.

Remember when Monique Coleman from High School Musical wore her fro and people talked about her really bad? That's what it's like for a woman with type 4 hair to rock it in that scene. Since that's my social circle, I have to deal with that negativity. It's not always overt "I don't like your nappy hair", but it plays out in very subtle ways.

It's not like that in all of LA...but that's how it is with the people I'm around and the areas I generally hang out in.

 

[LoveisYou]

Nope, they're the same age 23-30.

I think it is seriously a regional issue. And more than that, a specific niche within this region.

My friends and I all went to private schools with people's whose parents are celebrities. We grew up in the hollywood scene. If you go to the ET board, it's obvious what's considered beautiful in hollywood especially for a black woman. Name a black female celebrity who has type 4 hair and is considered sexy and desirable. I think the last one was Lauryn Hill...and she mostly wore locs.

Remember when Monique Coleman from High School Musical wore her fro and people talked about her really bad? That's what it's like for a woman with type 4 hair to rock it in that scene. Since that's my social circle, I have to deal with that negativity. It's not always overt "I don't like your nappy hair", but it plays out in very subtle ways.

It's not like that in all of LA...but that's how it is with the people I'm around and the areas I generally hang out in.

OK thanks for clarifying. That's horrible, but you're right we still have a long way to go when it comes to accepting ourselves.

 

[honeybuni84]

I dont know where some of y'all are living but remind me to never move there

 

[bedazzled]

MSA don't waste your time responding sometimes people don't get it until they walk in your shoes. If most black men like natural hair 80% of AA women would be natural and 20% would be rocking relaxers and weaved hair.

This is like the realest thang I've heard in a LONG TIME.

 

[Neith]

I think both sides are making valid points.

There are self hating black men out there who hate kinky hair. A lot of black people have hair issues.

However, we know that this doesn't apply to ALL men. Just like we are women, and we are all individuals, that goes for men too. There are many men out there who love natural hair.

 

[princessnad]

I think to black men, straight hair is like tight jeans or daisy dukes. It may attract them and even get them to ask for your number, but it doesn't mean that they don't think you are desirable without and it definitely doesn't mean that quality men are really passing you up over this.

I'm sorry that some women are surrounded by certain types of men.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Nope, they're the same age 23-30.

I think it is seriously a regional issue. And more than that, a specific niche within this region.

My friends and I all went to private schools with people's whose parents are celebrities. We grew up in the hollywood scene. If you go to the ET board, it's obvious what's considered beautiful in hollywood especially for a black woman. Name a black female celebrity who has type 4 hair and is considered sexy and desirable. I think the last one was Lauryn Hill...and she mostly wore locs.

Remember when Monique Coleman from High School Musical wore her fro and people talked about her really bad? That's what it's like for a woman with type 4 hair to rock it in that scene. Since that's my social circle, I have to deal with that negativity. It's not always overt "I don't like your nappy hair", but it plays out in very subtle ways.

It's not like that in all of LA...but that's how it is with the people I'm around and the areas I generally hang out in.

I also want to chime in on LA. I do believe appreciation for natural hair is a regional thing. I have several family members that live out that way. It is a popular conversation between us that black men over there usually prefer to date only mixed looking women and they usually have a certain look they like. I know some women will say this is not there experience, but I've heard this sentiment from numerous people, so I tend to believe there is some truth to this.

 

[Daughter]

Quite simply, the good hair/bad hair mindset still clearly exists in some black men and women. I'm really surprised that anyone thinks that isn't a factor, tbh

 

[sparkle25]

Actually in my experience its the white men that love my natural hair. They hate weaves and just like me the way i am. In my experience black men hate nappy hair, and hate weaves too. I prefer white men because they love me for me

 

[Ganjababy]

My DH prefers my natural hair, now. When we met I was relaxed, up until last year. At first, when I BC'd he did not like it (neither did I) but we both got used to the bush and now we both love it. He freaked the other day when he thought I had relaxed (I had flat ironed). He also hates wigs and extensions.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Nope, they're the same age 23-30.

I think it is seriously a regional issue. And more than that, a specific niche within this region.

My friends and I all went to private schools with people's whose parents are celebrities. We grew up in the hollywood scene. If you go to the ET board, it's obvious what's considered beautiful in hollywood especially for a black woman. Name a black female celebrity who has type 4 hair and is considered sexy and desirable. I think the last one was Lauryn Hill...and she mostly wore locs.

Remember when Monique Coleman from High School Musical wore her fro and people talked about her really bad? That's what it's like for a woman with type 4 hair to rock it in that scene. Since that's my social circle, I have to deal with that negativity. It's not always overt "I don't like your nappy hair", but it plays out in very subtle ways.

It's not like that in all of LA...but that's how it is with the people I'm around and the areas I generally hang out in.

Would you ever consider changing these factors to have a more empowering environment?

 

[almond eyes]

I have dated many nationalities and races and I think it's not always the case that the white man loves the natural hair either. I dated a white guy when I was in university and he hated afros and braided extensions which was exactly me!!!! and he met me that way. But since he liked me so much he just never cared but he voiced his opinion loudly. I also briefly dated an Indian guy when I was at my twa phase in 2000 when no one was doing twa's except for a few Africans and bold AA women in NY. And I am not light-skinned nor was I blessed with the bountiful booty.

And I really don't go for the concept that a black woman has to have her look together to wear a fro because we go back to the notion that black women have to look a certain way to be accepted, liked and married. In Africa, women wear afros and each has their own style make up or not and many of these women are married. It's a mind set.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[msa]

Would you ever consider changing these factors to have a more empowering environment?

I could do that. But la is my home and I love it here.

So for now I accept that black men will continue to ignore me so long as my hair is nappy. All I can do is be myself and try to educate those around me. Hopefully, seeing me rock my hair the way I do changes people's minds.

 

[CurlyMoo]

So you guys still care what Black men think, huh?

 

[msa]

So you guys still care what Black men think, huh?

Yup sure do. Considering I want to marry a black man, what they think matters. I don't see anything wrong with that.

All women care about what men think...otherwise most of us wouldn't be trying to lose weight or grow hair or dress a certain way. That's just the way things are.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

So you guys still care what Black men think, huh?

lmfaooo!!

All I know is I got a international rage of choices in NY especially when I rock my coils and I enjoy it all!!

My friends ask me: So what race are you most attracted to?

Me: I'm attracted to the Race of HOT

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Yup sure do. Considering I want to marry a black man, what they think matters. I don't see anything wrong with that.

All women care about what men think...otherwise most of us wouldn't be trying to lose weight or grow hair or dress a certain way. That's just the way things are.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to marry a brotha I think thats wonderful and I agree with you on the notion that men's reactions matter, however, if you're perpetually putting yourself in environments where you interact with men who are self-hating and don't have respect for a women who is embracing her natural beauty, then you're playing a losing game.

You will never attract a husband in a region where all they want is waist length blonde weaves, blue contacts and anyone who looks like a white girl with a tan. It's just never gonna happen. This is like my ex-friends from high school who would complain about only meeting thugs and dishonest men, I'd ask them where it is they typically go out, them: "Tha Club" What do you expect? A sophisticated intellectual with manners?

Maybe you should put yourself in situation where you'll meet brotha's who would find everything about you to be the epitome of beauty, maybe you should put yourself in the position where everything around you is empowering. You might be able to find that by simply running in different circles or frequenting different neighborhoods in your area.

I feel like if you did, you'd come to see that the attention of such brainwashed men is no prize at all.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Yup sure do. Considering I want to marry a black man, what they think matters. I don't see anything wrong with that.

All women care about what men think...otherwise most of us wouldn't be trying to lose weight or grow hair or dress a certain way. That's just the way things are.

The only person I give a damn what he thinks is the man I want to spend time with. I don't care much of what Black men think becuase if I did I would go back to relaxing my hair. One even told me I would look better if I cut my hair really short. Again goes against my goal. Sure there are a minority of Black men who like natural hair, good for them. I like men period. Black men are NOT at the top of my list but they are there nonetheless. Black men will tell you to your face that they are blessed because they can date the rainbow. A few have told me that they are so happy because all the women want them. And I'm like not this one.

I think women worry too much about what men think. Yes it's true men do judge us based on our behavior, physical appearance and there is a certain about of concern we as women should have, but when it comes to me finding a mate I only care about what he thinks not the entire legions of men. What men want is so diverse and covers such a broad spectrum I could never live up to it. All I care about is what makes me happy then I can focus on what makes the one I've chosen happy. I want smooth supple skin, I want long beautiful hair, I want to travel the world and live in difference cities, and the man I choose better want it too because he can kiss the door if he doesn't. I say be yourself and the right man will come along, and that's the only man worthy of our time and care.

 

[chrisanddonniesmommy]

The only person I give a damn what he thinks is the man I want to spend time with. I don't care much of what Black men think becuase if I did I would go back to relaxing my hair. One even told me I would look better if I cut my hair really short. Again goes against my goal. Sure there are a minority of Black men who like natural hair, good for them. I like men period. Black men are NOT at the top of my list but they are there nonetheless. Black men will tell you to your face that they are blessed because they can date the rainbow. A few have told me that they are so happy because all the women want them. And I'm like not this one.

I think women worry too much about what men think. Yes it's true men do judge us based on our behavior, physical appearance and there is a certain about of concern we as women should have, but when it comes to me finding a mate I only care about what he thinks not the entire legions of men. What men want is so diverse and covers such a broad spectrum I could never live up to it. All I care about is what makes me happy then I can focus on what makes the one I've chosen happy. I want smooth supple skin, I want long beautiful hair, I want to travel the world and live in difference cities, and the man I choose better want it too because he can kiss the door if he doesn't. I say be yourself and the right man will come along, and that's the only man worthy of our time and care.

Yeah, I've been told the same thing. But, once I tell them why, they pretty much shut their mouths. They honestly believe it's their minds everyone's after

 

[CurlyMoo]

Yeah, I've been told the same thing. But, once I tell them why, they pretty much shut their mouths. They honestly believe it's their minds everyone's after

 

[bedazzled]

The only person I give a damn what he thinks is the man I want to spend time with. I don't care much of what Black men think becuase if I did I would go back to relaxing my hair. One even told me I would look better if I cut my hair really short. Again goes against my goal. Sure there are a minority of Black men who like natural hair, good for them. I like men period. Black men are NOT at the top of my list but they are there nonetheless. Black men will tell you to your face that they are blessed because they can date the rainbow. A few have told me that they are so happy because all the women want them. And I'm like not this one.

I think women worry too much about what men think. Yes it's true men do judge us based on our behavior, physical appearance and there is a certain about of concern we as women should have, but when it comes to me finding a mate I only care about what he thinks not the entire legions of men. What men want is so diverse and covers such a broad spectrum I could never live up to it. All I care about is what makes me happy then I can focus on what makes the one I've chosen happy. I want smooth supple skin, I want long beautiful hair, I want to travel the world and live in difference cities, and the man I choose better want it too because he can kiss the door if he doesn't. I say be yourself and the right man will come along, and that's the only man worthy of our time and care.

I loved this.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

I hear way too many derogatory things regarding being 'natural' from black men. I believe they want a black woman to be as 'european' like as possible. It's so funny that they'll complain about our hair, demand for us to have booty's that stick out 8 inches from the side & not enough of them have big enough penises. yeah i took it there.

When it comes to the brotha's, I've had compatibility issues, commitment issues, ambition issues or disagreed with certain tastes etc, but that has never been one of them. All the brotha's I've dated have actually been pretty......... intimidating in that regard, I thought that was normal......is NY like this isolated different kinda place? what the ***?? I mean I knew it was different but I didn't know it was THIS different

Also hey! Aint nothin wrong with us sista's who naturally have dunks we get it from our mama's!

 

[Amerie123]

I'm from NYC, and boy do I miss it. Once I get out the military, I'ma go back for like a month. I miss the diversity. And it's funny y'all are talking bout NYC and LA, as i just came from LA today. But between LA and San Diego (where I currently reside), I find that it's very superficial here. The weather is soo beautiful, but the people are so blah... no personality like in NY.

However, my DH is from GA (the south), and he LOVES a woman with their natural coils and kinks (not that he hates relaxed hair, cuz that's how he's known me). He think there should be more women doing it. He likes the fact that I'm transitioning.

It's funny cuz I think most ppl where he's from like the whole straight and relaxed look too. So, at the end of the day, I guess region have a lot to do with a black man's preference, but it also varies from person to person. You have those few out there that do have good heads on their shoulders, even in places like LA.

 

[Letta]

When it comes to the brotha's, I've had compatibility issues, commitment issues, ambition issues or disagreed with certain tastes etc, but that has NEVER been one of them. All the brotha's I've dated have actually been pretty......... intimidating in that regard, I thought that was normal......is NY like this isolated different kinda place? what the ***?? I mean I knew it was different but I didn't know it was THIS different

Also hey! Aint nothin wrong with us sista's who naturally have dunks we get it from our mama's!

@ times NYC is def. on like a planet of its own *no offense* but I live in the DC metro area so its kinda either or. Its funny. If you are in the inner city its W/E b/c DC chicks can come up wit them "unique" hair trends so guys just go with the flow and look for girls wit big booties. In PG county, MD its diff. Its one of the most affluent black areas in the nation so alot of the women have trained their girls to have relaxers so they can fit in in corporate america b/c a good amount of them work for one gov't agency or another. Though the DC styles do like to spill over, thats more so with the braids then with their actual hair. The guys go more for the Michelle Obama types with the big booty LOL. I can say there are a lot of white guys that really feel black women in this area so depending on if they've always been in a black majority skool or not more then never determines their attitude towards natural hair or not. If they've been round black ppl too long they star to be like um and you end up forgetting they are white in the 1st place I'm really not trying to sound racist or anything, its just been my experience

 

[bedazzled]

When it comes to the brotha's, I've had compatibility issues, commitment issues, ambition issues or disagreed with certain tastes etc, but that has NEVER been one of them. All the brotha's I've dated have actually been pretty......... intimidating in that regard, I thought that was normal......is NY like this isolated different kinda place? what the ***?? I mean I knew it was different but I didn't know it was THIS different

Also hey! Aint nothin wrong with us sista's who naturally have dunks we get it from our mama's!

OMG GIRL. That is not the only problem. Black men that have that 'issue' are THEE worst & they have the biggest egos. No money, no ambition, you can't commit & your 'situation' is as big as my pinky toe.. pft!!!..Not only that but one of my exes, we broke up cause his junk smelled like throw up & old cheese. That smell made me so we had to break up asap. Please girl, he had to go. No way you gon complain about my naps when your ____ is smelling like _____. But I digress.

But no girl, I am trying to move out to NY. After school I plan on moving. Give me a year in a half.

And ofcourse there is nothing wrong with girls with the donks..but skinny girls need love from black men too.

 

[Celestial]

Two things I want to say...

1)People keeps saying men don't care what your hair looks like as long as it looks good to them. The thing is, the definition of "looks good" is very narrow when it comes to black men. Why? Because they are taught the same standard of beauty that we are. So "looks good" for them means things like long, straight, wavy, curly, nice cut/style...but not nappy. Men talk about all the time about wanting women with long hair or straight hair but I've yet to hear a black man have nappy hair at the top of his list.

2) The guys I hang out with are all private school, ivy league (or top university) educated. They've all traveled the world and are far from narrow minded considering they grew up around white people and have been exposed to many different people because of travel or college.

I actually find that I get hit on more with my natural hair when I go to WalMart in Watts or South Central. Dudes in the hood love my natural hair actually.

It's the men who are on my level (college educated, working, grad school, doing well for themselves, young hollywood types) that DO NOT like natural hair. These men are much more likely to ascribe to the European standard of beauty. Why? Because as up and coming black men, they need a wife who is the trophy type (looks wise)...and trophies don't have natural hair (unless it's type 3 or looser).

You sound very bitter. I'm going to stick with Chris Rock said and that men don't care about the women hair. Like he said, the things women do to their hair they are doing it for themselves and not for men because men don't care. Of course men like everyone else in the world has preferences, but a man is not going to turn you down if he interested in you because your hair is natural. Men do not sweat or stress things women do. You have interesting experiences in your life. It is usually young black men or uneducated men who don't have access to the finer things in life that tend to be the most picky and most arrogant. Well-endowed men and men from well to do backgrounds and who are educated are more open-minded and really don't sweat whether the hair is natural or relaxed but sweat whether you are hygienic or not. Poorer blacks tend to be more superficial and materialistic including those who come from poor backgrounds.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

OMG GIRL. That is not the only problem. Black men that have that 'issue' are THEE worst & they have the biggest egos. No money, no ambition, you can't commit & your 'situation' is as big as my pinky toe.. pft!!!..Not only that but one of my exes, we broke up cause his junk smelled like throw up & old cheese. That smell made me so we had to break up asap. Please girl, he had to go. No way you gon complain about my naps when your ____ is smelling like _____. But I digress.

But no girl, I am trying to move out to NY. After school I plan on moving. Give me a year in a half.

And ofcourse there is nothing wrong with girls with the donks..but skinny girls need love from black men too.

An oreo like that could never get so much as a second look from me.....point blank. Its obvious they dont have very much to offer and they have to compensate for it by tryna be with a chick that's as light n bright as possible. Personally I'm not interested in fitting the tastes of such a hollow shell of a man.

Here I have my pick of the litter of upwardly mobile educated conscious black men they just seem to step to me more polite when I'm rockin my coils the best part is it isnt just the brotha's you get international love.

Damn, I been spoiled and didn't even know it!lol

Celestial, msa has the right voice her experience and how she feels without being called bitter for it.

 

[msa]

Like he said, the things women do to their hair they are doing it for themselves and not for men because men don't care. Of course men like everyone else in the world has preferences, but a man is not going to turn you down if he interested in you because your hair is natural. Men do not sweat or stress things women do. You have interesting experiences in your life.

Yup, I have had some interesting experiences. I was just putting my experiences and my viewpoint out there based on my environment. I'm not bitter, just stating my opinion.

Your experiences are just as valid. I'm glad that you've found that the men around you don't care. Maybe I need to move to where you are.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

MSA, is this something you experience with just African American men or black men from all nationalities? Just curious.

I have a cousin who just moved back here from Cali, and she met her black husband there. Mind you she is dark and lovely, natural too. Not sure which city, but I know it wasn't northern Cali. I know it's just one experience, but one man is all you need. Keep your head up.