So Black Men Really Don't Care if My Hair Is Nappy

[msa]

MSA, is this something you experience with just African American men or black men from all nationalities? Just curious.

I have a cousin who just moved back here from Cali, and she met her black husband there. Mind you she is dark and lovely, natural too. Not sure which city, but I know it wasn't northern Cali. I know it's just one experience, but one man is all you need. Keep your head up.

Well when I visited Africa...guys there loved my hair. Which was odd to me because almost all the women who wore their hair out had relaxers. In fact in one of the little villages that only had one water pump, they still had a hair salon where relaxers were the most popular service. There are a lot of Africans in LA I just don't run into them that much so I don't know if they're different here.

I will say, the bold is what I focus on. I hope y'all don't think that I'm walking around caring about what every single black man I come across thinks of my hair. Seriously, I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else if I did that. I don't need a whole group of men to be accepting of my hair, just one. It's just really annoying that I'm less likely to find a black man like that where I am.

But I'll keep rocking my fro, that way it'll be easier for him to pick me out of the crowd.

 

[taz007]

My opinion:

Men truly do not care about hair. I have been natural much longer than I have been relaxed. In fact during the time that I was natural, I received 7 (yes, 7!) marriage proposals. I accepted the 7th . I relaxed my hair AFTER I had been married for about 7 years.

My VERY dark skinned sister gets SO much attention from men, 'cause she is absolutely beautiful and very confident.

So, I do not feel that it is the hair nor the skin color. Men just pick up on the vibes that one sends out and how one feels about themselves.

BTW, I live in Southern California and the men are very appreciative out here!

 

[GreenD]

My opinion:

Men truly do not care about hair. I have been natural much longer than I have been relaxed. In fact during the time that I was natural, I received 7 (yes, 7!) marriage proposals. I accepted the 7th . I relaxed my hair AFTER I had been married for about 7 years.

My VERY dark skinned sister gets SO much attention from men, 'cause she is absolutely beautiful and very confident.

So, I do not feel that it is the hair nor the skin color. Men just pick up on the vibes that one sends out and how one feels about themselves.

BTW, I live in Southern California and the men are very appreciative out here!

WTH!!! I guess 7 is your number. What did you do? Voo-doo? You can cook that's it!!! Really we need you in the relationship forum ASAP!!!

 

[bedazzled]

An oreo like that could never get so much as a second look from me.....point blank. Its obvious they dont have very much to offer and they have to compensate for it by tryna be with a chick that's as light n bright as possible. Personally I'm not interested in fitting the tastes of such a hollow shell of a man.

Here I have my pick of the litter of upwardly mobile educated conscious black men they just seem to step to me more polite when I'm rockin my coils the best part is it isnt just the brotha's you get international love.

Damn, I been spoiled and didn't even know it!lol

Celestial, msa has the right voice her experience and how she feels without being called bitter for it.

UGH Im moving to NY asap & just because you keep teasing me if I got homeless I'm buildin a tent on your front lawn just so you can lead me to all this international lovin!

 

[bedazzled]

You sound very bitter. I'm going to stick with Chris Rock said and that men don't care about the women hair. Like he said, the things women do to their hair they are doing it for themselves and not for men because men don't care. Of course men like everyone else in the world has preferences, but a man is not going to turn you down if he interested in you because your hair is natural. Men do not sweat or stress things women do. You have interesting experiences in your life. It is usually young black men or uneducated men who don't have access to the finer things in life that tend to be the most picky and most arrogant. Well-endowed men and men from well to do backgrounds and who are educated are more open-minded and really don't sweat whether the hair is natural or relaxed but sweat whether you are hygienic or not. Poorer blacks tend to be more superficial and materialistic including those who come from poor backgrounds.

I don't think you can judge her experiences based on your own. I'm sure what you're saying is definitely your truth, but its not the truth we all know or represent and vice versa.

 

[Celestial]

I don't think you can judge her experiences based on your own. I'm sure what you're saying is definitely your truth, but its not the truth we all know or represent and vice versa.

MSA Sounds bitter. Have you ever heard someone's speech and you sensed anger, anxiety, excitement, bitterness, sorrow, etc...Well MSA SOUNDS bitter. I don't think she is bitter for her opinion but maybe she is hurting because she finds her self to be overlooked or ignored and it is manifesting itself in her posts whe she writes. I believe her experiences and I also believe her experience can cause her to become bitter. I hope that is not the case because it isn't psychologically and physiologicaly healthy.

 

[Celestial]

Celestial, msa has the right voice her experience and how she feels without being called bitter for it.

I already know everyone has the right to voice her opinion. I didn't call her bitter for her opinion and I didn't call her bitter at all. I said she SOUNDS bitter and I don't think I'm the only one who sense it.

 

[winnettag]

I already know everyone has the right to voice her opinion. I didn't call her bitter for her opinion and I didn't call her bitter at all. I said she SOUNDS bitter and I don't think I'm the only one who sense it.

I don't think she sounds bitter at all. Quite the opposite.
She's not letting any of his get her down. Only sharing experiences.
She knows the right man is coming along someday....as do I.

 

[LoveisYou]

Well when I visited Africa...guys there loved my hair. Which was odd to me because almost all the women who wore their hair out had relaxers. In fact in one of the little villages that only had one water pump, they still had a hair salon where relaxers were the most popular service. There are a lot of Africans in LA I just don't run into them that much so I don't know if they're different here.

I will say, the bold is what I focus on. I hope y'all don't think that I'm walking around caring about what every single black man I come across thinks of my hair. Seriously, I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else if I did that. I don't need a whole group of men to be accepting of my hair, just one. It's just really annoying that I'm less likely to find a black man like that where I am.

But I'll keep rocking my fro, that way it'll be easier for him to pick me out of the crowd.

Just wanted to say I was kind of salivating at your hair in your siggy pics...no homo, lol

 

[glamchick84]

my husband cares

 

[chrisanddonniesmommy]

MSA isn't bitter. She's speaking her truth (which I can certainly support despite being on the opposite spectrum). Judging others based on your experience alone is so tired and counterproductive.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Well when I visited Africa...guys there loved my hair. Which was odd to me because almost all the women who wore their hair out had relaxers. In fact in one of the little villages that only had one water pump, they still had a hair salon where relaxers were the most popular service. There are a lot of Africans in LA I just don't run into them that much so I don't know if they're different here.

I will say, the bold is what I focus on. I hope y'all don't think that I'm walking around caring about what every single black man I come across thinks of my hair. Seriously, I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else if I did that. I don't need a whole group of men to be accepting of my hair, just one. It's just really annoying that I'm less likely to find a black man like that where I am.

But I'll keep rocking my fro, that way it'll be easier for him to pick me out of the crowd.

And you know what? That fine, sexy, tall black man of your dreams will pick you out of the crowd and appreciate how you stand out and aren't afraid to be yourself. He'll love you for you, and he'll love playing in your hair. Forget the others. THE ONE will be thankful that the others didn't pay you any attention, because that left you free and open for him.

 

[taz007]

WTH!!! I guess 7 is your number. What did you do? Voo-doo? You can cook that's it!!! Really we need you in the relationship forum ASAP!!!

I absolutely do NOT cook! My DH does 100% of the cooking in my home! When he is gone, we eat out! (Sad, I know).

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Well dayum taz! You need to drop some knowlege for all of us on the relationship forum!

 

[Honey Bee]

As I've said elsewhere, I bc'd twice, once in 1997, again in 2000. Both times, it was the same reason: going to school somewhere where there were no black people and not knowing how to take care of my own hair. The first time, at boarding school, I did it myself, and I felt free. I really didn't know what to do with it, so I put some gel on, and rocked the hell out of it. I wasn't confidant inside, but I fronted. Black guys (at home and at school), for the most part, disliked it, but a handful actually hated it, like, viscerally. I truly believe that, even after I had grown my hair back out, and relaxed it again, they never felt the same about me, like a permanent bad taste in their mouths. I reached that conclusion, not as a result of my own feelings, but because there were two other girls on campus with TWA's too, totally different, we all ran in different cliques (loner/artsy/'popular'-ish, ), but that handful of guys were equally dismissive and/or derisive.

The second time, in 2000, I got it done in in a major East coast city, at a black salon (thank you, Jesus!) and they had barbers, so I was good, stylistically. The guys cutting hair did, however, give me a hard time about cutting off all my hair, finally conceding because I "have a pretty face." Me and my girls all lol'd at that like, would you not have cut my hair if I wasn't, you know, not as strong facially? I have to say, I got a lot of love, and no, I am definitely no light-skinned; I am quite brown. And when I say I got a lot of love, I soooo mean it. Guys who never in a zillion, gabillion years would have holla'd when I had a perm: a hispanic guy friend who I'd been 'working on', unsuccessfully, for years; a light-skinned, light-eyed guy I didn't know who was oh-so-chivalrous. (To this day, I have never experienced such 'success' with those sub-groups.) OTOH, when I got back to school, an Ivy (to echo what somebody mentioned a few pages back), it was a whole different story. Black guys were like, nah, I'm good. Therefore, so was I... I started dating a white guy around that time, he had noticed me from afar and asked a mutual friend to hook it up. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my sweetie of 8 yrs first saw me with that very same TWA. We didn't get together until later, but his interest had been piqued. And he's black, from Bk, but before the time it was 'cool' to be natural.

I said all that to say, I get what people are saying about loving yourself how God made you. That's beautiful. But, sometimes, depending on your environment, it becomes very, very difficult to locate someone else to 'love you', if you know what I mean, ladies.

 

[tonia682]

I was transitioning when I met my SO and now 3 yrs later he LOVES natural hair. He thinks every black woman should go natural. He even gets mad when i even think about perming it..but sometimes he takes to the extreme. One day not to long after the economy really started going down hill and ppl were really struggling trying to figure out if the world was gonna end..blah blah blah..

him: " i think its good u have dont have a perm. cus when **** goes to hell and we on the edge of a war..how u gonna get a touch up then?"

me: BLANK STARE


who thinks of stuff like that!?!?!??!

Actually I had similar thoughts

 

[bravenewgirl87]

Hi Ladies,

4) A "keep women in their place" dynamic can also come into play. On some level, men tend to LIKE the idea that women are socialized to tend to be the compromisers and/or cater to/"spoil" them in relationships (this dynamic is documented by Tannen in the book mentioned above). In this way, if no where else, they can use their finely honed "pecking order" skills to at least exert dominance in their romantic lives (i.e. it's easier to "win" in the "game" (i.e. exert dominance) with females given the differing ways in which the sexes grow up and/or are socialized to interact ... in this sense, it's not even a fair "fight" though IMHO). Further, if at any time they feel threatened that their women are/might be "crossing the line" in some dominance-like way (i.e. getting too "assertive" "uppity" "competitive" "masculine" and/or needing to be "put in check"), they can always pull out/harp upon certain "trigger" subjects/standards/responsibilities to which women are, at early ages, socialized (by both their male AND female role models) to believe that they should/must live up to if they are to be "real/decent/respectable/good" women. A major one of these "responsibilities" falls in the realm of maintaining a "beautiful" physical appearance ... (i.e. early on, girls are taught that they're supposed to be "nice/non-*****y" and "pretty" ... yet this is not necessarily seen as a particularly important responsibility for boys ... at least, not until they start to become attracted to girls -- which is substantially later on developmentally-speaking) ... In a way somewhat different, but essentially analogous to category #3, arenas dominated by intense inter-male competitiveness tend to bring out the phenomenon described here in fullest force.

I have been typing this for years on this board and no one believed me.
punish black women while absolving themselves of any guilt. Men don't care about your hair texture. They do care about using it as a means to control and vindicate their crushed egos against black women who they feel have "hurt" them. Same thing with light-skinned/dark-skinned. It's not that they love white skin more, it is the fact that they can

 

[bravenewgirl87]

I would also like to add that 3b/3c/4a hair is not considered "nappy" in the black community. Although many might condemn unkempt, unhealthy or "freshly-washed 4a" hair with no product "bad." Once you are able to do this:

You get a pass. This is the limit to "curliness"

Once your hair starts looking like this:

 

[afiya27]

Afiya27, I understand what your saying... but why the constant reference and comparison to "White Girl" hair/way of life and trying to acheive that?

Hi Aquajoyice,

Well, as I'm sure you've noticed given your Western (American? Canadian?) accent (gleaned from your YouTube Channel), in the West (and increasingly throughout the world ), the traditional "standards" of beauty are (currently) centered around the physical characteristics of white women. This is due to white mens' (current) world dominance (see post #68 -- number 3 for elaboration on this dynamic). Apparently it "paid," on a certain level, to be the women most likely to be the wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, etc. of the worlds' "conquerors", because they put those women on a PEDESTAL for ALL men to see what is considered to be the ULTIMATE "trophy" (ex. see Hollywood, history/the book "Hair Story")!

... But I take it that you're asking me why I actually went out and SAID/ADMITTED that that was the bottom line so apparantly crassly/self-defeatedly? ... Why did I straight up SAY 'White Girl X, Y, Z?" ... Well, before I discovered the online hair/natural community, I probably wouldn't have done so. But, check THIS out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeXUm8OOUA8 (skip to 3:16 through 3:36)

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=364825&highlight=white+girl+swang

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=256243&highlight=white+girl+swang

Straight up SAYING "white girl X, Y, Z" in reference to "beauty" is apparently part of everyday lingo among certain black women! Disturbing but true! I guess on a certain level, given that that IS the traditional "bottom line" in terms of beauty, it could be said that these women are just "keepin' it real." And that books like "The Bluest Eye" etc. have also documented this dynamic ... IDK.

In any case, I decided to incorporate the term/concept into my post for emphasis given the way that I've seen it used online. I mean, if the bottom line is female "beauty = white" right now, then okay, what goes into this "beauty"? IMHO, it's not just the physical "look" that they achieve via their natural/cheap ~15 - 20 min hair/beauty routines (i.e. essentially, their "wash and gos"), which take Afro-haireds a "bit" more time/money to emulate. That was my point in post #91 ...

 

[Lei*Lei]

Dh likes my hair natural...he prefers it to my straight look. My BIL likes natural hair also, he wants his gf to stop relaxing too. Alot of guys where i live like natural hair...but it has to be taken care of (as in healthy).

 

[wild curls raquelle]

It's funny that people assume your friend is radical because she's going natural, I guess that 1960s stereotype is still common. I have to say that your SO does dislike natural Africanhair. Shrinkage is the main characteristic of African textured hair, so how can he be OK w/ the naturalness and not ok when it does what it does?

I think it has a lot to do with the kind of crowds and events we go to. People really think we light incense and eat bean pies all day. Yeah I'm so not a radical but hey I appreciate it none the less.

As far as my SO well in his defense he's stupid and he's been led to believe by the media that straight hair long hair is beautiful. The irony of the whole situation is my hair is longer than it was when we first started going out which is when I had chopped off many inches of hair. I just prefer to wear my hair in braid/ twist/ bantu knot outs because I want it to be healthy. Determined to change his mind and educate him (he's younger than me) I'm taking him to see 'Good Hair.' I always love a good challenge. I'm all about going against the status quo and making people think so right now he's my project.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

I think it has a lot to do with the kind of crowds and events we go to. People really think we light incense and eat bean pies all day. Yeah I'm so not a radical but hey I appreciate it none the less.

As far as my SO well in his defense he's stupid and he's been led to believe by the media that straight hair long hair is beautiful. The irony of the whole situation is my hair is longer than it was when we first started going out which is when I had chopped off many inches of hair. I just prefer to wear my hair in braid/ twist/ bantu knot outs because I want it to be healthy. Determined to change his mind and educate him (he's younger than me) I'm taking him to see 'Good Hair.' I always love a good challenge. I'm all about going against the status quo and making people think so right now he's my project.

I really don't mean to burst your bubble, but just about the WORST thing you can do in a relationship is START OUT thinking you can change him Whoa nelly, that'll lead to a world of hurt down the line if you end up getting married and then get chained to that person for life by having kids. Take that person as they are, if you feel you have to change fundamental facets of his thinking, thats a pretty huge issue........

People RARELY change and for those select few that do, they do it because they wanted to, not because it was thrust upon them........JMHO

 

[wild curls raquelle]

I really don't mean to burst your bubble, but just about the WORST thing you can do in a relationship is START OUT thinking you can change him Whoa nelly, that'll lead to a world of hurt down the line if you end up getting married and then get chained to that person for life by having kids. Take that person as they are, if you feel you have to change fundamental facets of his thinking, thats a pretty huge issue........

People RARELY change and for those select few that do, they do it because they wanted to, not because it was thrust upon them........JMHO

I don't necessarily want to change him but rather open his mind. At the end of the day I could care 2 pig frogs what he thinks it's MY HAIR and I will do what I please with it. He don't like he can go get him a chick with straight hair. If that's a deal breaker then we ain't meant to be. But it's been 5 years so at this point it's more so about educating him. He's one of those good hair is straight hair. Like I said dumb. I just ignore him.

You sound very bitter. I'm going to stick with Chris Rock said and that men don't care about the women hair. Like he said, the things women do to their hair they are doing it for themselves and not for men because men don't care. Of course men like everyone else in the world has preferences, but a man is not going to turn you down if he interested in you because your hair is natural. Men do not sweat or stress things women do. You have interesting experiences in your life. It is usually young black men or uneducated men who don't have access to the finer things in life that tend to be the most picky and most arrogant. Well-endowed men and men from well to do backgrounds and who are educated are more open-minded and really don't sweat whether the hair is natural or relaxed but sweat whether you are hygienic or not. Poorer blacks tend to be more superficial and materialistic including those who come from poor backgrounds.

Celestial I know its 2009, but most black men are poor and come from poor single mother household. Just an FYI (not trying to come at your head). I mean define the finer things in life? I'm natural and I can pass for 16 (I'm 25) and I have had many younger boys not men boys try to talk to me with a scarf on hair running a muck. It has been my experience that the well to do black men you speak of want a woman with straight hair long or short. Why??? Because it helps him blend in, meaning they are just like the majority and he and his SO are not trying to go against the grain. Obviously this doesn't apply to every black men but enough that I have encountered and some whom I've actually discussed this with.

I would also like to add that 3b/3c/4a hair is not considered "nappy" in the black community. Although many might condemn unkempt, unhealthy or "freshly-washed 4a" hair with no product "bad." Once you are able to do this:

You get a pass. This is the limit to "curliness"
Once your hair starts looking like this:

And I agree with you a billion% brave

I don't know if it's because my mother is hispanic but my hair is 3c/4a it's pretty short now since I cut it but my mother/ grandmother have no problems calling my hair nappy. It has even gone as far as people sneaking in my room with a comb and brush at night (Yes it has happened). My cousin is a 3a and they drool over her hair. Whatever
My aunt (father's sister) is a biracial dark-skinned woman and has never said anything directly to my hair but pretty much everyone on that side just says OH, your hair's different, why don't you straighten it anymore?

Now this is coming from college degree recipients. It has nothing to do with education, income. IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IGNORANCE and self-hatred and insecurity. People just don't want to admit it. The good Lord rolled his dice and this is the hair I got, so I'll just go along with his intentions. He knows better than me I rather not cross him. After all he is in charge.

 

[araceli2418]

Sometimes, I really wonder if it has anything to do with location. I don't think I've heard too many negative things since going natural nor have I had trouble finding men attracted to me.

I also noticed that natural hair is becoming more common here in Detroit. If women are not actually natural, they're wearing styles that emulate natural hair. What is the hair scene like where you live?

It is relax city here. I'd be very surprised if natural hair caught on here.

 

[freshlikemoi]

My fiance doesn't care either way. I'm so fortunate. Cuz, that could be added stress that I don't need.

 

[1QTPie]

Black men seem to prefer my naps over my flat ironed hair. *shrugs* because so do I.

 

[angelgrl135]

i just had lunch today with one of my best guy friends who is VERY stuck on looks and I was VERY surprised by his answer when I asked about natural hair.
It was prompted when he said "I'm not that into the natural look" ( I hadnt told him i was going natural, otherwise I know he would've never said that- lol!) When I asked him what he meant he said he was talking about low-cuts "dude-cuts" as he called them. He said afros and all that are just fine "just as long as she doesnt have a dude-cut and insist on wearing a d@mn scarf every night"

i would be VERY interested in a little more insight like this from black males! (heck white ones too while we're at it- i don't discriminate- lol!)

 

[soldierforhair]

One of my male friends told me that when I came to his house months ago rocking my fro that he thought it was sexy. He really caught me off guard with that one. I was smiling ear to ear on the phone. Just didn't want to let him know though. LOL

 

[My Friend]

Interesting.................

 

[candy626]

I do think location has a lot to do with it.

I live in Los Angeles...the land of silky straight booty length weaves. A woman with natural hair that is type 4 is not seen as dating material. That's just the way it is.

Everything is plastic and fake there, so that's no suprise. But most men there aren't worth dating either...