So Black Men Really Don't Care if My Hair Is Nappy
- Thread starter I *Am* Not* My* Hair
- Start date
msa
New Member
I don't agree with the bold but I guess that has been your personal experience in Los Angeles and natural hair. I will say that I do see more natural heads on the East Coast versus Los Angeles.
We all have preferences so not everyone will be happy with a nappy.
About the bold...it's true everyone has different experiences. I don't necessarily think mine is unique...but I know that it's not the only way things happen around here.
msa
New Member
I know you weren't.
And I agree, men don't deny beauty. It was just very interesting to me how much more attention I got, looking the same, but with straight hair. I don't have face pics up on here anymore, but I'm not facially challenged.
But, the problem lies with what men think is beautiful. Someone's face can be gorgeous, but if they're super fat most men aren't going to give them a second thought. In my experience, for a lot of men nappy hair is similar. Once they see it, the person wearing it becomes invisible. It's not part of their definition of beauty.
leleepop
Well-Known Member
I have come to realize that anyone can be an exception to the rule. I think you should just focus on your definition of beauty, and the right one would come later. I dont even think its wrong to straighten that hair once in a while if thats how you can reel a few more in. its all about fun in the beggining and getting to know each other. If you really like someone and he likes you he will respect your versatlity. Play the game...I role play all the time with DH and its fun.lol
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Iluvsmuhgrass
Well-Known Member
My SO doesn't care. When I stretch he plays with my coils, when I'm freshly relaxed he plays in it. He sniffs and buries his face in it when it smells good. Some men genuinely don't care
chrisanddonniesmommy
New Member
Well, my hubby does mind. He prefers my hair long and relaxed. But, then again, yes, we are in L.A. and I'm light-skinned. So, yeah 
Unfortunately, L.A. is uber-superficial. I moved here six years ago from Philadelphia (my hubby's a L.A. native) and basically this is my daily mantra
I am approached by superficial black, white, and Latino men here (despite my wedding ring on full blaze). I hope it changes because my head hurts.
Unfortunately, L.A. is uber-superficial. I moved here six years ago from Philadelphia (my hubby's a L.A. native) and basically this is my daily mantra
I am approached by superficial black, white, and Latino men here (despite my wedding ring on full blaze). I hope it changes because my head hurts.
Honestly it's so not about them *shrugs*. Interestingly when I went natural before the only person who had a problem with my hair was a guy friend, at frist his comments bothered me, but I had to ask myself why did I care?
Many men black and white complimented my natural hair. I relaxed because I had a problem with my hair. I disliked the in-between phase. I know too many natural women who are not lacking in male attention, but I lived in NYC and currently live in DC, ppl. are pretty open about natural hair in both places. Naturals get a lot of love in BK!
I'm at the point in my life that I training myself not to seek outside validation. I'm happy I'm natural again
I really just don't hold the belief that my hair will prevent me from meeting a man that I would want. It's just not present in my head.
Many men black and white complimented my natural hair. I relaxed because I had a problem with my hair. I disliked the in-between phase. I know too many natural women who are not lacking in male attention, but I lived in NYC and currently live in DC, ppl. are pretty open about natural hair in both places. Naturals get a lot of love in BK!
I'm at the point in my life that I training myself not to seek outside validation. I'm happy I'm natural again
I really just don't hold the belief that my hair will prevent me from meeting a man that I would want. It's just not present in my head.Hi Ladies,
The issue that Mr. Rock has raised is indeed a complicated one ... I've thought about it a lot over the years, and have thus far made the following observations.
In GENERAL, at/in any given moment/context, the men that I've observed (of ALL races) tend to react to women and/or their efforts with regards to their appearance (including their hair) for one (or a combination of) the following main reasons:
1) Raw sexual attraction.
2) Their specific, socio-culturally-pollitically linked, personal tastes/aesthetics as far as "beauty" is concerned.
3) To look good in the eyes of other men.
4) To keep women "in their place".
5) The mystery that is love.
6) Charisma/personality/prestige/etc.
My Elaborations:
1) This is the deeply entrenched, instinctual reason. It's the bottom line that I THINK Chris Rock may have been alluding to. On a core, instinctual level, in addition to basic female anatomy, heterosexual men tend to like symmetrical features and curvy (but not obese) bodies in woman (i.e. indicators of female genetic health and/or fertility). Alternatively, given basic male anatomy, heterosexual women tend to like symmetrical features, broad shoulders and deep voices (i.e. indicators of genetic health and/or male fertility). Head hair being present (at ALL), and thick, in BOTH genders (especially when one is a young, fertile, adult), is typically a good enough genetic health indicator (i.e. hair length, texture, color, etc, tend to be negotiable and/or fall under category 2)... This category would become the major standard during times of dire emergency/threat to the human species (and/or in circumstances in which all "pretenses" and/or "roles" are set aside, and folks are being "raw" and/or brutally/carnally honest with themselves/others ... hence the saying/rule of thumb: At root, heterosexual men are disposed towards liking ALL varieties of women! In fact, differences in skin color/hair-texture/"race" are added pluses in that they add to the "variety"/"spice"/"excitement" of it all) ... The existence of this category points to the likelihood that something deeper is going on (between MEN) when they start splitting hairs about womens' appearance beyond these lines (see category #3) ...
2) This, of course, is currently being strongly influenced by the legacy of racism. While the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" seems to suggest that, on a certain level, there aren't any firm, set-in-stone "rules" governing who one is attracted to, in THIS socio-political time/place, I beg to differ...Actually, in ALL socio-cultural-political times/places I'd have to beg to differ. "Beauty" is essentially a socially negotiated concept.
3) This is a nuanced one ... If you don't want to read all of the following, I guess you can get the gist of it by just thinking of the "trophy wife" phenomenon and move on to # 4 ...
However, for more insight, check out Debora Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation. It takes you through the argument that, even as children, males and females tend to play differently within their gender groups. In this, she claims, the FIRST issue to note is the very fact that boys and girls tend to play in sex SEGREGATED groups! Secondly, on top of this, while girls tend to choose more egalitarian interpersonal dynamics with each other (i.e. playing "house/tea", artistic expression, etc.), boys tend to engage in more "king of the hill," "vying for power" types of interactions (ex. sports, video games, etc). With boys, there tends to be a more obvious "pecking order" and/or dominance hierarchy that is settled upon over time as they "feel each other out" (i.e. make wise cracks on each other, tease, exert their dominant and/or passive sides, maybe even bully, etc). By the time males grow up, the "pecking order" dynamic is pretty entrenched. The fundamental goal is to NOT be at the very "bottom", and to preferably/eventually make it near (or to) the "top". Women, in this context, have often/always/traditionally been incorporated as pawns in these "chess matches". Whoever can acquire the most and/or "finest" women gains advantage in their "pecking order" standing. These "top dogs" also get to set the standards of this "game" (in terms of which women get to be considered "beautiful" (see #2 above), etc.) ... This has been going on for MILLENNIA as far as I can tell (basically/probably since agriculture started ~10,000 years ago, when it became possible to accumulate significant wealth and/or power over others)! And, within the past 500 years, white males (the rich ones at that) have tended to be the ones "calling the shots" globally-speaking. Hence, in this context, it would kinda make sense that black men are (often sub-consciously(?)) predisposed towards seeing themselves as at a disadvantage coming out of the gate. Therefore, many of those black men who even deal with/prefer black women at ALL ('cause y'all know there are those who don't even bother!) tend to be more likely than even their WHITE counterparts to view natural Afro-hair (et. al features that deviate from the "norms" set by wealthy white men) as an unwanted liability (NOTE: this last comment considers the tendency among white men who find themselves attracted enough to black women to even step to them to be, by the "pecking order" logic, "drop outs" of the "trophy wife" aspects of this male "race for dominance"; possibly by way of proving themselves (to themselves and/or others) in other arenas, etc... IOW, I've found that many/most white men who prefer black women are fairly self confident in this respect. They know what they like, and have accepted that it tends to be uniquely different from the "standard/norm" -- at least this is the case in DC/NY) ... The dynamics described in this category are likely felt in fullest blast in intensely competitive, status/image/appearance-focused arenas where the financial stakes are high; such as in entertainment a. la. Hollywood/L.A. ... Sorry ladies who live in Cally! :-(
4) A "keep women in their place" dynamic can also come into play. On some level, men tend to LIKE the idea that women are socialized to tend to be the compromisers and/or cater to/"spoil" them in relationships (this dynamic is documented by Tannen in the book mentioned above). In this way, if no where else, they can use their finely honed "pecking order" skills to at least exert dominance in their romantic lives (i.e. it's easier to "win" in the "game" (i.e. exert dominance) with females given the differing ways in which the sexes grow up and/or are socialized to interact ... in this sense, it's not even a fair "fight" though IMHO). Further, if at any time they feel threatened that their women are/might be "crossing the line" in some dominance-like way (i.e. getting too "assertive" "uppity" "competitive" "masculine" and/or needing to be "put in check"), they can always pull out/harp upon certain "trigger" subjects/standards/responsibilities to which women are, at early ages, socialized (by both their male AND female role models) to believe that they should/must live up to if they are to be "real/decent/respectable/good" women. A major one of these "responsibilities" falls in the realm of maintaining a "beautiful" physical appearance ... (i.e. early on, girls are taught that they're supposed to be "nice/non-*****y" and "pretty" ... yet this is not necessarily seen as a particularly important responsibility for boys ... at least, not until they start to become attracted to girls -- which is substantially later on developmentally-speaking) ... In a way somewhat different, but essentially analogous to category #3, arenas dominated by intense inter-male competitiveness tend to bring out the phenomenon described here in fullest force.
5) This one is self-explanatory/ideal in most people's eyes. The kind of attraction that many folks tend to hold as most admirable and/or abstract/intangeable etc. This, obviously/hopefully, is the category that most of the supportive hubbies mentioned here substantially fall under.
6) Ex. Whoopi Goldberg.
This is what I've come to so far. Does any of this sound totally off base to anyone? Your input is welcomed! ... I guess "progress" in this context would be to move more towards categories 1, 5 and 6 (5 being the ULTIMATE/IDEAL--of course) and away from #s 2 - 4 and/or maybe at least re-framing/broadening #2...? On the other hand, with regards to category #2, is there really anything wrong with accepting that a socio-culuturally-politically influenced "preference" and/or "standard" will always tend to be at play/be in vogue between men with regards to women's appearance (and just hoping to broaden it to include our features)...? My current inclination is to say yes tentatively-speaking (i.e. to be on the safe side). After all, it's possible that any ONE socio-cultural-political "standard" of beauty, no matter how broad, could vear towards encouraging the mentioned dynamics in #3 and 4...? Thus becoming detrimental to some group of women or another (and/or all women/humanity given that the dynamics in 3 and 4 may, at core, be at the root of warfare and/or competitively/capitalistically-rooted environmental degradation)...? Maybe re-framing/broadening #2 could be seen as an intermediate step in progress towards encouraging #s 1, 5 and 6? Thoughts?
BTW:
If I recall correctly, I believe that this YTer is an "out" (non-pressing) natural who lives in LOS ANGELES!!! At least, I'm sure that she definitely lives in the L.A. area/So.Cal. Pretty sure she said L.A ... Just someone to check out for inspiration/moral support for L.A. naturals!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrneLN9b4bI
Maybe you folks would do well to organize a Meetup group:
www.meetup.com
That way, you can support each other in standing firm in what you believe with regards to self acceptance etc...
The issue that Mr. Rock has raised is indeed a complicated one ... I've thought about it a lot over the years, and have thus far made the following observations.
In GENERAL, at/in any given moment/context, the men that I've observed (of ALL races) tend to react to women and/or their efforts with regards to their appearance (including their hair) for one (or a combination of) the following main reasons:
1) Raw sexual attraction.
2) Their specific, socio-culturally-pollitically linked, personal tastes/aesthetics as far as "beauty" is concerned.
3) To look good in the eyes of other men.
4) To keep women "in their place".
5) The mystery that is love.
6) Charisma/personality/prestige/etc.
My Elaborations:
1) This is the deeply entrenched, instinctual reason. It's the bottom line that I THINK Chris Rock may have been alluding to. On a core, instinctual level, in addition to basic female anatomy, heterosexual men tend to like symmetrical features and curvy (but not obese) bodies in woman (i.e. indicators of female genetic health and/or fertility). Alternatively, given basic male anatomy, heterosexual women tend to like symmetrical features, broad shoulders and deep voices (i.e. indicators of genetic health and/or male fertility). Head hair being present (at ALL), and thick, in BOTH genders (especially when one is a young, fertile, adult), is typically a good enough genetic health indicator (i.e. hair length, texture, color, etc, tend to be negotiable and/or fall under category 2)... This category would become the major standard during times of dire emergency/threat to the human species (and/or in circumstances in which all "pretenses" and/or "roles" are set aside, and folks are being "raw" and/or brutally/carnally honest with themselves/others ... hence the saying/rule of thumb: At root, heterosexual men are disposed towards liking ALL varieties of women! In fact, differences in skin color/hair-texture/"race" are added pluses in that they add to the "variety"/"spice"/"excitement" of it all) ... The existence of this category points to the likelihood that something deeper is going on (between MEN) when they start splitting hairs about womens' appearance beyond these lines (see category #3) ...
2) This, of course, is currently being strongly influenced by the legacy of racism. While the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" seems to suggest that, on a certain level, there aren't any firm, set-in-stone "rules" governing who one is attracted to, in THIS socio-political time/place, I beg to differ...Actually, in ALL socio-cultural-political times/places I'd have to beg to differ. "Beauty" is essentially a socially negotiated concept.
3) This is a nuanced one ... If you don't want to read all of the following, I guess you can get the gist of it by just thinking of the "trophy wife" phenomenon and move on to # 4 ...
However, for more insight, check out Debora Tannen's book, You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation. It takes you through the argument that, even as children, males and females tend to play differently within their gender groups. In this, she claims, the FIRST issue to note is the very fact that boys and girls tend to play in sex SEGREGATED groups! Secondly, on top of this, while girls tend to choose more egalitarian interpersonal dynamics with each other (i.e. playing "house/tea", artistic expression, etc.), boys tend to engage in more "king of the hill," "vying for power" types of interactions (ex. sports, video games, etc). With boys, there tends to be a more obvious "pecking order" and/or dominance hierarchy that is settled upon over time as they "feel each other out" (i.e. make wise cracks on each other, tease, exert their dominant and/or passive sides, maybe even bully, etc). By the time males grow up, the "pecking order" dynamic is pretty entrenched. The fundamental goal is to NOT be at the very "bottom", and to preferably/eventually make it near (or to) the "top". Women, in this context, have often/always/traditionally been incorporated as pawns in these "chess matches". Whoever can acquire the most and/or "finest" women gains advantage in their "pecking order" standing. These "top dogs" also get to set the standards of this "game" (in terms of which women get to be considered "beautiful" (see #2 above), etc.) ... This has been going on for MILLENNIA as far as I can tell (basically/probably since agriculture started ~10,000 years ago, when it became possible to accumulate significant wealth and/or power over others)! And, within the past 500 years, white males (the rich ones at that) have tended to be the ones "calling the shots" globally-speaking. Hence, in this context, it would kinda make sense that black men are (often sub-consciously(?)) predisposed towards seeing themselves as at a disadvantage coming out of the gate. Therefore, many of those black men who even deal with/prefer black women at ALL ('cause y'all know there are those who don't even bother!) tend to be more likely than even their WHITE counterparts to view natural Afro-hair (et. al features that deviate from the "norms" set by wealthy white men) as an unwanted liability (NOTE: this last comment considers the tendency among white men who find themselves attracted enough to black women to even step to them to be, by the "pecking order" logic, "drop outs" of the "trophy wife" aspects of this male "race for dominance"; possibly by way of proving themselves (to themselves and/or others) in other arenas, etc... IOW, I've found that many/most white men who prefer black women are fairly self confident in this respect. They know what they like, and have accepted that it tends to be uniquely different from the "standard/norm" -- at least this is the case in DC/NY) ... The dynamics described in this category are likely felt in fullest blast in intensely competitive, status/image/appearance-focused arenas where the financial stakes are high; such as in entertainment a. la. Hollywood/L.A. ... Sorry ladies who live in Cally! :-(
4) A "keep women in their place" dynamic can also come into play. On some level, men tend to LIKE the idea that women are socialized to tend to be the compromisers and/or cater to/"spoil" them in relationships (this dynamic is documented by Tannen in the book mentioned above). In this way, if no where else, they can use their finely honed "pecking order" skills to at least exert dominance in their romantic lives (i.e. it's easier to "win" in the "game" (i.e. exert dominance) with females given the differing ways in which the sexes grow up and/or are socialized to interact ... in this sense, it's not even a fair "fight" though IMHO). Further, if at any time they feel threatened that their women are/might be "crossing the line" in some dominance-like way (i.e. getting too "assertive" "uppity" "competitive" "masculine" and/or needing to be "put in check"), they can always pull out/harp upon certain "trigger" subjects/standards/responsibilities to which women are, at early ages, socialized (by both their male AND female role models) to believe that they should/must live up to if they are to be "real/decent/respectable/good" women. A major one of these "responsibilities" falls in the realm of maintaining a "beautiful" physical appearance ... (i.e. early on, girls are taught that they're supposed to be "nice/non-*****y" and "pretty" ... yet this is not necessarily seen as a particularly important responsibility for boys ... at least, not until they start to become attracted to girls -- which is substantially later on developmentally-speaking) ... In a way somewhat different, but essentially analogous to category #3, arenas dominated by intense inter-male competitiveness tend to bring out the phenomenon described here in fullest force.
5) This one is self-explanatory/ideal in most people's eyes. The kind of attraction that many folks tend to hold as most admirable and/or abstract/intangeable etc. This, obviously/hopefully, is the category that most of the supportive hubbies mentioned here substantially fall under.
6) Ex. Whoopi Goldberg.
This is what I've come to so far. Does any of this sound totally off base to anyone? Your input is welcomed!
... I guess "progress" in this context would be to move more towards categories 1, 5 and 6 (5 being the ULTIMATE/IDEAL--of course) and away from #s 2 - 4 and/or maybe at least re-framing/broadening #2...? On the other hand, with regards to category #2, is there really anything wrong with accepting that a socio-culuturally-politically influenced "preference" and/or "standard" will always tend to be at play/be in vogue between men with regards to women's appearance (and just hoping to broaden it to include our features)...? My current inclination is to say yes tentatively-speaking (i.e. to be on the safe side). After all, it's possible that any ONE socio-cultural-political "standard" of beauty, no matter how broad, could vear towards encouraging the mentioned dynamics in #3 and 4...? Thus becoming detrimental to some group of women or another (and/or all women/humanity given that the dynamics in 3 and 4 may, at core, be at the root of warfare and/or competitively/capitalistically-rooted environmental degradation)...? Maybe re-framing/broadening #2 could be seen as an intermediate step in progress towards encouraging #s 1, 5 and 6? Thoughts?BTW:
If I recall correctly, I believe that this YTer is an "out" (non-pressing) natural who lives in LOS ANGELES!!!
At least, I'm sure that she definitely lives in the L.A. area/So.Cal. Pretty sure she said L.A ... Just someone to check out for inspiration/moral support for L.A. naturals! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrneLN9b4bI
Maybe you folks would do well to organize a Meetup group:
www.meetup.com
That way, you can support each other in standing firm in what you believe with regards to self acceptance etc...
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firecracker
Well-Known Member
firecracker
Well-Known Member
Chile these folks are addicted to weaves here. It saddens me to see girls in elementary wearing full weaves 24/7. How will they ever learn to love their true self w/o all the embellishments and add on's. Its really sad!
sharifeh
Well-Known Member
I really do believe that a woman's hair generally makes up at least half or more of her overall "beauty, especially to men. If you can be beautiful with just a face then you are special.
That's why I'm so mesmerized by people like Halle Berry.
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Mizz Diamonds
Well-Known Member
Every man is different, simple. Some love, some don't, some don't care.
Leeda.the.Paladin
Well-Known Member
Well I'd originally told my husband that I was going to not cut it at all, and that I would mostly press it, just wearing it natural sometimes. This quickly changed as my transition went on.
I discussed with him before I BC'd and told him that I wanted to just get rid of all the relaxed hair. He finally said to do it but that he didn't like "curly" hair and that he didn't like short hair. (He believes in being brutally honest).
So I did it. I remember back then finding him looking at my head with a look of displeasure on his face when he thought I wasn't looking. As it gets longer, he likes it more. He prefers it when I wear twist outs over the fro. When I straighten it, I can't keep his hands off me. He doesn't like my wash n go's or twists.
I try to take him into consideration, but at the end of the day I usually do what makes me happy. I have to live with my hair, not him. I have trust that he will love me no matter how my hair is.
Freespirit02
New Member
not to attack your man..but is he trying to say "nappy"/natural hair can't be or isn't nice??? I'm just saying...
Freespirit02
New Member
Idk about this whole thing. I have known men who thinks natural=unkept. However my current boyfriend has told me to stop putting any kind of chemical in my hair..even hair dye..and has suggested for me to wear braids or dreads. He likes the natural look..especially when it's big!
darlingdiva
Well-Known Member
I find this to be my experience. My husband doesn't care either way. I only wear twist-outs when I do my hair (it's the only style I know how to do if my hair isn't flat-ironed), and my husband loves them. I get attention from men when I wear twist-outs, but I get far more attention when I wear my wigs.
Your hubby simply sounds like he has a preference. Sometimes men take awhile to come around
snillohsss
New Member
you know, I always glazed over these topics everytime they came up, but I finally experienced it. It wasn't in a negative way, but I experienced it nonetheless. I have been wearing my hair curly for about 11months. I only used heat maybe 4 times to do a quick length check. I never mastered the blowdry until recently....so I started to wear my hair straight for the last two weeks.
My husband (who has dreds btw) says " you look better with straight hair."
Random men who see me at my children's school come up to me "I have been meaning to tell you, you great with your hair straight. You should keep it like that"
Fools at Starbucks " Wow, you look different with your hair like that. Its a good thing when it blows...you know? I like it curly too though!"
I can go on with more. Now my theory is that when my hair is curly, it is about collarbone length, maybe shorter. When it is straight, it is APL...a few inches from BSL. I think it is a length thing, but I could be wrong.
My husband (who has dreds btw) says " you look better with straight hair."
Random men who see me at my children's school come up to me "I have been meaning to tell you, you great with your hair straight. You should keep it like that"
Fools at Starbucks " Wow, you look different with your hair like that. Its a good thing when it blows...you know? I like it curly too though!"
I can go on with more. Now my theory is that when my hair is curly, it is about collarbone length, maybe shorter. When it is straight, it is APL...a few inches from BSL. I think it is a length thing, but I could be wrong.
Nappy_in_the_City
New Member
I flip flop all the time, mostly from my afro to straight wigs and even though it is not my natural hair I get so many rave reviews 
with my natural hair and afro that I'll think I'll stop doing weaves as protective styling.
I really don't think black men don't care... they may not care if we use a conditioner with cones in it but my exs always repeat to me that they love my hair. They want to play in it, wash it,... hell I had a boyfriend help me twist my hair before. IMO, any curls gives a certain softness to a woman
. China doll cuts don't really embody femininity. Curls just add another curve for men to admire... especially the typical black men I know that love "black women curves" 
with my natural hair and afro that I'll think I'll stop doing weaves as protective styling. I really don't think black men don't care... they may not care if we use a conditioner with cones in it but my exs always repeat to me that they love my hair. They want to play in it, wash it,... hell I had a boyfriend help me twist my hair before. IMO, any curls gives a certain softness to a woman
. China doll cuts don't really embody femininity. Curls just add another curve for men to admire... especially the typical black men I know that love "black women curves" 
JayAnn0513
I make 30 look good!
Mine cares, he likes long straight hair. To him that's feminine and lady like. He he also doesn't like weaves, wigs or braids. He about died when I got cornrows last month. He thinks they are "unprofessional". His views on what is work appropriate are very conservative. I usually don't let his opinions stop me, slowly but surely I'm bringing him around to my way of thinking. He's beginning to understand now that I've been transitioning off and on for over a year.
Wow. Yeah, I remember that. This makes me glad I left and now live in Chicago. I was natural for most of my life, but like msa mentioned, it was all press and curl. I did go natural in LA in the mid 90s, though. My father kept telling me that boys would be interested if I straightened my hair. I wasn't sure if he was right, but I didn't care enough to actually straighten it. I had other more important problems to worry about.
Poohbear
Fearfully Wonderfully Made
My boyfriend who is a black man doesn't care that my hair is nappy. He likes my hair and everything else about me. As far as dating went when I was single, I only met 1 black guy who really didn't like nappy/natural black hair and he was a complete jerk all around.
Well as I said upthread, hubbys are a different game than just men in general. However, I can't help but wonder at his idea that straight hair= feminine. His definition of femininity is very narrow. The long hair thing I get (tho disagree w/ most strongly), the straight hair, nope. LOL...African hair will never grow from the scalp straight, no matter how long it get. I hope he realizes this.
I'd love to know how braids are "unprofessional" as long as they are well maintained and not worn too long?
spelmanlocks
Well-Known Member
When I had natural hair most guys loved it, I never had a problem dating. My hair then was about SL unstretched and it was really big. I used to wear an afro puff a lot in college and people used to call me Pebbles (baby from the flintstones) as a nickname because of it. I did get the occasional ignorant question of was I member of the black panthers or some other pro black organization or told that I needed a perm badly.
My sister has long natural and men go crazy over her too. Over the summer a guy gave her a discount at a store we were in because he said her hair was so nice.
However, my husband does not like natural hair too much. He is biracial and people always tell him he has 'that good hair', so he has different ideas on what good hair is than what I do. A lot of his female friends are transitioning so he's come around the idea of me possibly going back natural some day.
My sister has long natural and men go crazy over her too. Over the summer a guy gave her a discount at a store we were in because he said her hair was so nice.
However, my husband does not like natural hair too much. He is biracial and people always tell him he has 'that good hair', so he has different ideas on what good hair is than what I do. A lot of his female friends are transitioning so he's come around the idea of me possibly going back natural some day.
JayAnn0513
I make 30 look good!
Well as I said upthread, hubbys are a different game than just men in general. However, I can't help but wonder at his idea that straight hair= feminine. His definition of femininity is very narrow. The long hair thing I get (tho disagree w/ most strongly), the straight hair, nope. LOL...African hair will never grow from the scalp straight, no matter how long it get. I hope he realizes this.
I'd love to know how braids are "unprofessional" as long as they are well maintained and not worn too long?
My hubby's a weird guy. I hope he knows the average black womens hair doesn't grow from the scalp straight. He didn't understand the big deal about about why I can't just flat iron it everyday or why I refuse to straighten our 2 yr old's hair(maybe because she's 2???). Most of the women in his family are unrelaxed, but live and die by the stove top pressing comb.
I don't get the whole braid thing, he specifically hates cornrows. Once again, not feminine to him. The last time we talked about it turned in an argument with me calling him some not so nice things.
fyb87
New Member
This has been a very interesting thread. I read everyone's posts. I haven't personally had any negative reactions from men since I've been natural. I will say that I just started wearing my hair in its natural state (all the time) in April of this year and my experience has been VERY positive. I've pretty much always had long hair (with the exception of twice when I cut in a chin length bob) and flat-ironed it instead of wearing it in it's natural state. Yes, I got looks. But, NEVER did I have a man (any man I date all ethnic groups) play in my hair.
Now that I wear it in its natural state they not only play in my hair, but also tell me how much they love it. 
I mean ALL the time. This is coming from strangers, friends and people I am dating. I have had TL straightened hair and NEVER did I get this much attention. Nor did I EVER receive compliments from men. I actually had a couple of SO's suggest I cut it.
So for me, wearing my hair in it's natural state has been an extremely positive experience and has definitely helped me with my self-esteem issues (stemming from child hood).
Now that I wear it in its natural state they not only play in my hair, but also tell me how much they love it. I mean ALL the time. This is coming from strangers, friends and people I am dating. I have had TL straightened hair and NEVER did I get this much attention. Nor did I EVER receive compliments from men. I actually had a couple of SO's suggest I cut it.So for me, wearing my hair in it's natural state has been an extremely positive experience and has definitely helped me with my self-esteem issues (stemming from child hood).
adw425
Well-Known Member
The first two years transitioning before I found LHCF, my hair was not at its best except when it was ultra-tamed in a bun, the man I was with always wanted me to take it out of the bun (and it was dense with about 85% shrinkage y'all; through various methods like constant conditioning with yogurt and keeping my hair ultra moisturized, my hair is now very tame, manageable, much longer and with tremendously loosened curls, but it wasn't then) but he just loved it, played in it, massaged my scalp, the whole nine and.... I never wanted to take my hair out of the bun. I didn't like my short, dense hair, but he really loved my hair, which was nice. I use that particular example because I wore my hair long, straight and swingy daily so the switch was drastic. I have never had a problem with or one negative comment from men (new or old) from being natural, including telling me I would look better with straightened hair...
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Well girl, what can I say? You got your situation on lock down and I'm confident you'll do the right thing inspite of him. A two year old kid getting their hair straightened?! Lawd. 
LOL...he's lucky to have you around instead of someone who'd be dumb enough to nuke a baby's head. Sadly those types exist!
Shananyganz
New Member
When speaking about men in general, I think so many things play apart in what they may or may not find attractive in a woman. Going at this STRICTLY from a hair standpoint, it CAN be said that certain/some men are put off by natural hair and the appearance thereof. It can also be said that in certain/some cases region and geographical location also play apart in how accepting a man is of natural hair. Just like it can also be said that the vibe/aura one gives off is a factor in certain/some men accepting natural hair. I mean, we can go all over with this one, really we can. The truth is, we are dealing with mindsets that have been passed down and developed over time. Some of our OWN ideals, thoughts, and misconceptions had to change regarding hair, and for some of us, it took time...and some of us, they won't EVER change. For the most part, its no different for men, you have some that are on board, some that are almost there, and some that will never change.
I can only speak to my experience as it relates to my region, but with all of the "great" comments and reactions I received there is a negative response. I have gotten stares of "WTH", I liked your straight hair better, on down to a simple statement of: your hair is short, really people? I presently reside in Southern California, I'm dark skinned, and thin (no booty..lol). In general black men are not my biggest fans (I am usually approached by the "others":: Africans, White, Hispanic, Asian, etc. etc); so to "add" natural hair onto that...sigh. It is what it isn't.
I personally think there are other factors that play apart in who I attract, but I am ONLY speaking hair here. The (black) guy that calls himself liking me, doesn't care for my hair and has suggested I straighten it..yes..all four inches of it...when he knows, because we have had EXTENSIVE conversations regarding hair, that I have no desire to straighten at this point. I must be honest and say that I was put off by that, as well as other, what I feel are ignorant things he's had to say about my hair, but I've made it clear to him (as someone who is interested in me) that his opinion at this time, doesn't matter. I'm not married, so I can't speak to that.
I think, speaking for myself, that I have to take a stand as the "more educated one" regarding what MY hair needs, and how MY hair should look. Its difficult sometimes to not allow other peoples opinions regarding our hair, to bother us, but the thing is, it can be done. One thing I MUST say, is that when I finally "revealed" the hair, I decided that I would OWN IT, like ANY other hairstyle I've had and no matter WHAT the comments or reactions were, I'd roll with it as only I knew how. I tell myself everyday my hair is beautiful, I hear a negative comment and flip it to positive, I hear a positive comment and reinforce it with my own. I'm not like that with JUST hair, I'm across the board with it. People will feel how they feel, its up to me to feel me. And I do...all day people.
-S-
I can only speak to my experience as it relates to my region, but with all of the "great" comments and reactions I received there is a negative response. I have gotten stares of "WTH", I liked your straight hair better, on down to a simple statement of: your hair is short, really people? I presently reside in Southern California, I'm dark skinned, and thin (no booty..lol). In general black men are not my biggest fans (I am usually approached by the "others":: Africans, White, Hispanic, Asian, etc. etc); so to "add" natural hair onto that...sigh. It is what it isn't.
I personally think there are other factors that play apart in who I attract, but I am ONLY speaking hair here. The (black) guy that calls himself liking me, doesn't care for my hair and has suggested I straighten it..yes..all four inches of it...when he knows, because we have had EXTENSIVE conversations regarding hair, that I have no desire to straighten at this point. I must be honest and say that I was put off by that, as well as other, what I feel are ignorant things he's had to say about my hair, but I've made it clear to him (as someone who is interested in me) that his opinion at this time, doesn't matter. I'm not married, so I can't speak to that.
I think, speaking for myself, that I have to take a stand as the "more educated one" regarding what MY hair needs, and how MY hair should look. Its difficult sometimes to not allow other peoples opinions regarding our hair, to bother us, but the thing is, it can be done. One thing I MUST say, is that when I finally "revealed" the hair, I decided that I would OWN IT, like ANY other hairstyle I've had and no matter WHAT the comments or reactions were, I'd roll with it as only I knew how. I tell myself everyday my hair is beautiful, I hear a negative comment and flip it to positive, I hear a positive comment and reinforce it with my own. I'm not like that with JUST hair, I'm across the board with it. People will feel how they feel, its up to me to feel me. And I do...all day people.
-S-
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