So..are you in an OPEN MARRIAGE? Would you get in one?

[MissScarlett]

I want to hear from the yes or maybe people who voted in the poll.

Me too. I expect everyone to come in and say, "No"

I could see how this would work for some. Its not for me and my marriage but if you and your spouse communicate like that, they told you they had a feeling they would cheat, instead of being betrayed, you would know up front right?

 

[Sistaslick]

Wow. I'd probably have to get a divorce. Because, even if you stay married and your spouse agrees to the open marriage -- it will likely hurt him way too much. I'm sure divorce hurts too, but knowing someone is smashing your wife probably hurts in a much different way.

My husband is the only person on earth I've ever heard refer to relations as "smashing" -- now there are two.

As for the open marriage, thing. Heck Nawl. With all the NASTY, LIFE THREATENING diseases and STDs floating out there in the general population? You ain't bringing those statistics into my bedroom. If you have an appetite for multiple partners then, let me know upfront because we can't do business. But . . . I do give them credit for being honest and open, because I guess even worse than that is folks who know that's how they are (sexually needy/selfish) and STILL try to marry someone who isn't on that same wavelength. Then they just cheat all willy nilly.

The only thing open in our marriage would be a can of whoop a$$.

 

[zanna]

first question: no
second question: never

Zanna

 

[Sistaslick]

Me too. I expect everyone to come in and say, "No"

I could see how this would work for some. Its not for me and my marriage but if you and your spouse communicate like that, they told you they had a feeling they would cheat, instead of being betrayed, you would know up front right?

I guess that's part of the risk you take. I want to believe that open marriage means open about each and every time-- but just because you know about last week with the chick down the street, what if he's not telling you about lady at work and the dude at the bank he's also messing around with. There might be some instances where he might think its best you not know absolutely everything about everything. But I guess, knowing about the 1 or 2 he tells you (even if there are 5) is better than thinking there are none when there are- or is it?

There'd have to be some serious STD testing going down in that marriage- daily, weekly, monthly.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I'm not married yet, but this type of relationship would not be for my SO and me. Even if he were to agree to this he would catch a case for killing the first dude that I decided the excercise my option with...

 

[Shimmie]

Me too. I expect everyone to come in and say, "No"

I could see how this would work for some. Its not for me and my marriage but if you and your spouse communicate like that, they told you they had a feeling they would cheat, instead of being betrayed, you would know up front right?

But that's not a marriage. It's an arrangement.

Marriage is a sealed Covenant between man and wife and God.

It's a sick mindset that choses otherwise. And yes, it's sick and it's sad. No wonder there's no respect for marriage or the will to fight for it. It's been degraded little by little with the foolishness of people who have absolutely no regard for strong values and solid relationships.

Anyway, before I say anything more, this is not about you Scarlet. It's the subject that ticks me off to no end and the lax attitudes of this society. People are getting away with too much and it does affect everyone in one way or another.

Hugs and blessings to you Scarlet. Love to you and hubbie and the family.

 

[caltron]

Only if the man was a billionaire or something. Otherwise, absolutely not!

 

[Syrah]

I voted "maybe". Maybe with some huge caveats - would I want it for me? No. But I'll admit I'm kinda intrigued by the "Mechanics" of an open marriage. How do they REALLY work?

I think we ALL have our preconceived notions that are probably very different from the reality of open relationships. It's like "swingers". I always get the feeling when watching Real Sex (HBO) or something that people who are in "open" relationships or are "swingers" tend to have this emotional connection that is quite intense - more intense than the average "monogamous" married couple I encounter. And they also tend to be people who have been married much longer than the average couple - haha, on Real Sex, the swingers are always 60-somethings with saggy breasts (both man and wife) talking about how much in love they are...

I mean, what is it REALLY like for Will and Jada? Or Andre Karilenko and his wife? And I wonder, how often do people act on the "openness" of the marriage...?

I just don't get the feeling men in open marriages are out banging anything that makes their "temperature" rise. And I get the notion that men AND women who decide to act on the "openness" of the marriage give it a lot more thought and deliberation than men and women who cheat on their spouses...

 

[Syrah]

I guess that's part of the risk you take. I want to believe that open marriage means open about each and every time-- but just because you know about last week with the chick down the street, what if he's not telling you about lady at work and the dude at the bank he's also messing around with. There might be some instances where he might think its best you not know absolutely everything about everything. But I guess, knowing about the 1 or 2 he tells you (even if there are 5) is better than thinking there are none when there are- or is it?

There'd have to be some serious STD testing going down in that marriage- daily, weekly, monthly.

But I'm thinking that's OUR interpretation of an "open marriage" - that your hubby is out acting on it is this every day/week/month thing. Like your husband is walking around at the grocery store, sees a pretty lady and is like "wanna come how with me? my wife won't trip...we got it like that".

I mean, is Will out banging the nanny, the bank teller, the flight attendant on the private jet, and the lady who delivers the donuts to the Hancock shoots?

Again, maybe it's me over-romanticizing the notion - but I feel like the few people that I"ve heard or seen that were in open relationships have this intense emotional and spiritual connection that makes acting on the "openness" of the relationship that more deliberate.

 

[Cinda2503]

NOPE!!!

but....

I can see how this type of marriage could work. Marriage is not only about love. It is $$$, legal rights, social status, security, companionship, etc.....

Legally speaking, a wife has 1000x more rights than a girlfriend.

Marriage is a business merger, then it's about love, etc...

 

[Cinda2503]

I dunno - I'll admit I'm kinda intrigued by the "Mechanics" of an open marriage. How do they REALLY work? I mean, what is it like for Will and Jada?

And I wonder, how often do people act on the "openness" of the marriage...?

I believe it is if the women sees a man she wants to have sex with she does and vice versa. I think it is not an on-going relationship but more like casual sex.

That couple on Oprah yesterday was a little ridiculous. I couldn't understand the wife having her boyfriend stay over her house in the guest room and having sex after the wife, the husband, & the boyfriend had dinner together That seems odd to me. I'm not sure about that one. I wish they would have explained that more.

This seemed more like polyandry.

 

[Syrah]

I believe it is if the women sees a man she wants to have sex with she does and vice versa. I would hope it would not be a on-going relationship but more like casual sex.

That couple on Oprah yesterday was a little ridiculous. I couldn't understand the wife having her boyfriend stay over her house in the guest room and having sex after the wife, the husband, & the boyfriend had dinner together That seems odd to me. I'm not sure about that one. I wish they would have explained that more.

...I didn't base my answers on the couple on Oprah as I'm assuming they're an extreme example interviewed in order to boost ratings and insight "controversy" rather than to portray the reality for a small minority of the married population.

I don't think it's either an on-going relationship or casual sex... and I don't have any basis for that opinion other than a gut feeling...

Because if its about casual sex OR an ongoing relationship, WHY GET MARRIED?!? But then some might ask, if you're considering an open marriage in the first place, WHY GET MARRIED!?

 

[MissScarlett]

I voted "maybe". Maybe with some huge caveats - would I want it for me? No. But I'll admit I'm kinda intrigued by the "Mechanics" of an open marriage. How do they REALLY work?

I think we ALL have our preconceived notions that are probably very different from the reality of open relationships. It's like "swingers". I always get the feeling when watching Real Sex (HBO) or something that people who are in "open" relationships or are "swingers" tend to have this emotional connection that is quite intense - more intense than the average "monogamous" married couple I encounter. And they also tend to be people who have been married much longer than the average couple - haha, on Real Sex, the swingers are always 60-somethings with saggy breasts (both man and wife) talking about how much in love they are...

I mean, what is it REALLY like for Will and Jada? Or Andre Karilenko and his wife? And I wonder, how often do people act on the "openness" of the marriage...?

I just don't get the feeling men in open marriages are out banging anything that makes their "temperature" rise. And I get the notion that men AND women who decide to act on the "openness" of the marriage give it a lot more thought and deliberation than men and women who cheat on their spouses...

Me too, its not my thing but I find that it seems to work for some people and I do wonder HOW.

 

[Syrah]

But that's not a marriage. It's an arrangement.

Marriage is a sealed Covenant between man and wife and God.

It's a sick mindset that choses otherwise. And yes, it's sick and it's sad. No wonder there's no respect for marriage or the will to fight for it. It's been degraded little by little with the foolishness of people who have absolutely no regard for strong values and solid relationships.

Anyway, before I say anything more, this is not about you Scarlet. It's the subject that ticks me off to no end and the lax attitudes of this society. People are getting away with too much and it does affect everyone in one way or another.

Hugs and blessings to you Scarlet. Love to you and hubbie and the family.

Is it any surprise? Even on here we've got posts with "so my friend is going through ______ what should she do?" and folks respond with "I'd divorce his ass".

Folks don't communicate anymore. They go into marriage with all kinds of assumptions and are ready to quit as soon as things "don't go as planned". "He doesn't make ______", divorce. "He wants me to _____ during sex", divorce. "He bought me a fake diamond", divorce.

I just get the feeling that folks in open relationship communicate a lot more than the average Joan + John does. Is that to say that we should all pursuit open relationships? Hell no, but maybe there are lessons to be learned.

...even the Devil has something to teach.

 

[Shimmie]

I voted "maybe". Maybe with some huge caveats - would I want it for me? No. But I'll admit I'm kinda intrigued by the "Mechanics" of an open marriage. How do they REALLY work?

I think we ALL have our preconceived notions that are probably very different from the reality of open relationships. It's like "swingers". I always get the feeling when watching Real Sex (HBO) or something that people who are in "open" relationships or are "swingers" tend to have this emotional connection that is quite intense - more intense than the average "monogamous" married couple I encounter. And they also tend to be people who have been married much longer than the average couple - haha, on Real Sex, the swingers are always 60-somethings with saggy breasts (both man and wife) talking about how much in love they are...

I mean, what is it REALLY like for Will and Jada? Or Andre Karilenko and his wife? And I wonder, how often do people act on the "openness" of the marriage...?

I just don't get the feeling men in open marriages are out banging anything that makes their "temperature" rise. And I get the notion that men AND women who decide to act on the "openness" of the marriage give it a lot more thought and deliberation than men and women who cheat on their spouses...

Do you see how 'Jada' has aged? I was watching an episode of "A Different World' where she played the character 'Lena'. And while I don't expect Jada to look as young as she did back then (16 years ago)... still ... now she looks too tired and I know too many women older than her who do not look that way.

Here's the danger, what happens when one of the partners no longer wants to be with their spouse because they prefer to be with someone else they've been sleeping with. What happens when a couple becomes alienated. Outside attachments DO occur? It's a very dangerous thing to enter into. Somewhere down the line, someone DOES get hurt and abandoned.

People aren't stupid about what this really is; the fact is that they want to play around.

An open marriage simply states that 'you are not enough' for each other; you don't satisfy me enough to keep my affections solely for you. It states that one is still searching and that they are void, missing something and are unsettled.

It's not a marriage. Not at all. Not at all. No excuse for it. None!

 

[PrettyBrwnBrwn]

Wow...this was a pretty good question, but it didn't take me much thought. I just couldn't do it. You are so right SunshineBeautiful what would you get married for. When you are married you have come to the conclusion that that person is "THE" One. I just couldn't do it because no one likes to share something that they call theirs especially their husband.

 

[Shimmie]

Wow...this was a pretty good question, but it didn't take me much thought. I just couldn't do it. You are so right SunshineBeautiful what would you get married for. When you are married you have come to the conclusion that that person is "THE" One. I just couldn't do it because no one likes to share something that they call theirs especially their husband.

And they don't want to share us either.

Men are more possessive .... ummmmmmmmm, the word would be 'territorial' then women are.

 

[Vinyl]

Nope, I couldn't do that.

 

[Syrah]

Do you see how 'Jada' has aged? I was watching an episode of "A Different World' where she played the character 'Lena'. And while I don't expect Jada to look as young as she did back then (16 years ago)... still ... now she looks too tired and I know too many women older than her who do not look that way.

Here's the danger, what happens when one of the partners no longer wants to be with their spouse because they prefer to be with someone else they've been sleeping with. What happens when a couple becomes alienated. Outside attachments DO occur? It's a very dangerous thing to enter into. Somewhere down the line, someone DOES get hurt and abandoned.

People aren't stupid about what this really is; the fact is that they want to play around.

An open marriage simply states that 'you are not enough' for each other; you don't satisfy me enough to keep my affections solely for you. It states that one is still searching and that they are void, missing something and are unsettled.

It's not a marriage. Not at all. Not at all. No excuse for it. None!

Are you attributing Jada's aging to her marriage status ONLY? As if her lifestyle, her diet, her choices, he work, her family, her career have NOTHING to do with it? She ages for the same reasons the rest of age - LIFE. You trying to attribute it to her relationship, because you don't understand or don't agree with her relationship is reaching.

And you act as though establishing other connections is a symptom of open relationships and doesn't happen in "normal" "healthy" relationships.

I've got to go to a meeting - I'll respond to the rest of your post in a bit.

 

[Cinda2503]

...I didn't base my answers on the couple on Oprah as I'm assuming they're an extreme example interviewed in order to boost ratings and insight "controversy" rather than to portray the reality for a small minority of the married population.

I don't think it's either an on-going relationship or casual sex... and I don't have any basis for that opinion other than a gut feeling...

Because if its about casual sex OR an ongoing relationship, WHY GET MARRIED?!? But then some might ask, if you're considering an open marriage in the first place, WHY GET MARRIED!?[/quote]:



People get married for all types of different reasons.

To make a long story short - I have a friend who got married because her boyfriend at the time wanted a baby. She said ok. She got pregnant the 1st time they tried to conceive. At the time she worked as a bartender in Dallas. She quit because smoking was allowed in the bar and she needed health insurance so they got married a few weeks later. She has said to me that if she didn't need the health insurance (at the time when she havd gotten pregnant ) she would have never gotten married.

 

[Syrah]

Do you see how 'Jada' has aged? I was watching an episode of "A Different World' where she played the character 'Lena'. And while I don't expect Jada to look as young as she did back then (16 years ago)... still ... now she looks too tired and I know too many women older than her who do not look that way.

Here's the danger, what happens when one of the partners no longer wants to be with their spouse because they prefer to be with someone else they've been sleeping with. What happens when a couple becomes alienated. Outside attachments DO occur? It's a very dangerous thing to enter into. Somewhere down the line, someone DOES get hurt and abandoned.

People aren't stupid about what this really is; the fact is that they want to play around.

An open marriage simply states that 'you are not enough' for each other; you don't satisfy me enough to keep my affections solely for you. It states that one is still searching and that they are void, missing something and are unsettled.

It's not a marriage. Not at all. Not at all. No excuse for it. None!

It states that two people, who are willing to make a deeper level of commitment to each other and God and not anyone else, are also willing to communicate and discuss the fact that their sexual desires/needs/interests may not be fulfilled by just that one person. Don't think that I don't understand where you're coming from and that "open-ness" in a marriage flies in the face of what marriage is about...

Again, I don't subscribe to the notion that an open marriage is right for me or for anyone else on this board...but I'd be really interested to HEAR and LISTEN TO why it was right for someone else, and how it works, from someone in an open relationship.

How does one know that they FULLY satisfy their partner's needs? You (general) don't know that. You (general) just hope that the vows taken before God are enough to keep that other person from trying to fulfill his/her needs.... And you hope that what your partner would think that what he stands to lose is far surpasses what he stand to gain. What REALLY keeps SOME couples together? The vows they took or the fact that they don't want to be "talked about" by their friends/family/co-workers/peers? The love that they have for the person that their with or the notion that its "cheaper to keep her"? The commitment 2 people made to each before God and friends and family or the fear of "what happens when I get caught?".

...ahh yes, this is the OTHER side of the "sanctity" of marriage.


The "sanctity" that would have you sit and attribute a line on Jada Pinkett's forehead to an agreement you don't understand rather than acknowledge that her and her man made an agreement to each other that ALL whims, fantasies, ideas and thoughts are at a minimum, OPEN TO DISCUSSION.

 

[sky_blu]

What would we be married for in the first place?

Thats what I said!

 

[Valerie]

No, I refuse to share my boyfriend, then fiance, then husband with anyone! and it is far to complicated, I am not able for confusion.

 

[MD_Lady]

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, no. To each their own, but the day DH made the suggestion would be the day our marriage ended.

 

[Shimmie]

my bad, i should have said some adults. clearly, you wouldn't be in an open marriage because you couldn't deal with it and neither could i. however, some couples out there do have open marriages and it's going along fine. there are some that fail and end in a mess but monogamous marriages hardly have a perfect track record either.

if the couple aren't forcing others into sex or deceiving them then i'm not sure how they are invading other people's lives by choosing an open marriage. indeed, we live in a sick world but of all the things i find disgusting about it, open marriages do not really register. nah, i don't believe god meant for us to have open marriage but if all parties agree this is the lifestyle they choose (and no-one is getting hurt) then i'm not condemning what they choose to do. they will have to answer to god only eventually, not me.

It's not a marriage therefore, I wouldn't be a part of it.

It affects others, because of the negative message that's being presented that this lifestyle is okay and it's not okay. The message is, marriage is not sacred neither respected. It's open to anything no matter how damaging it is.

Anyone who accepts it as such, whether they participate in it or not, has put it out there in their marriage, the suggestion to their spouse that 'they' can try it and get away with it and that you will accept it.

In this weak and foolish society, you can't afford a lax attitude; better yet, you can't afford a cracked door or window in your mindset about this. It's going to be something that you may have to face someday and be totally unprepared to handle it.

It's nothing to justify or see innocense in. I don't care who's doing it, that doesn't make it right and it never will.

 

[Evolving78]

only if the other person agrees to it. i've read about these celibate marriages too and i wonder who these people are. all of the married couples i know have sex ............ i guess if there's erectile(sp) dysfunction that could lead to a sexless marriage.

i do have one married friend who has an open relationship. i've asked her to explain it to me on several occasions but she can't or won't.

i personally know someone like that and what happened to the better or worse part of a marriage? i just don't get some people.
.0

 

[Syrah]

only if the other person agrees to it. i've read about these celibate marriages too and i wonder who these people are. all of the married couples i know have sex ............ i guess if there's erectile(sp) dysfunction that could lead to a sexless marriage.

i do have one married friend who has an open relationship. i've asked her to explain it to me on several occasions but she can't or won't.

This is where I get concerned. IF you can't explain something chances are it's because you're afraid it won't make sense to others because deep down it doesn't make sense to you...

 

[Evolving78]

It states that two people, who are willing to make a deeper level of commitment to each other and God and not anyone else, are also willing to communicate and discuss the fact that their sexual desires/needs/interests may not be fulfilled by just that one person. Don't think that I don't understand where you're coming from and that "open-ness" in a marriage flies in the face of what marriage is about...

Again, I don't subscribe to the notion that an open marriage is right for me or for anyone else on this board...but I'd be really interested to HEAR and LISTEN TO why it was right for someone else, and how it works, from someone in an open relationship.

How does one know that they FULLY satisfy their partner's needs? You (general) don't know that. You (general) just hope that the vows taken before God are enough to keep that other person from trying to fulfill his/her needs.... And you hope that what your partner would think that what he stands to lose is far surpasses what he stand to gain. What REALLY keeps SOME couples together? The vows they took or the fact that they don't want to be "talked about" by their friends/family/co-workers/peers? The love that they have for the person that their with or the notion that its "cheaper to keep her"? The commitment 2 people made to each before God and friends and family or the fear of "what happens when I get caught?".

...ahh yes, this is the OTHER side of the "sanctity" of marriage.


The "sanctity" that would have you sit and attribute a line on Jada Pinkett's forehead to an agreement you don't understand rather than acknowledge that her and her man made an agreement to each other that ALL whims, fantasies, ideas and thoughts are at a minimum, OPEN TO DISCUSSION.

ok i get what you are saying. it is all about communication. my dh should be able to come to me about anything and not feel threated that it could hurt our relationship. you don't want that door closed or off limits to certain topics. you should be able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your spouse. i know how it feels when you want to share something with your spouse, but you feel like you will be judged. that is how an open marriage should be. people should be able to feel safe and secure in their marriages.

 

[Shimmie]

It states that two people, who are willing to make a deeper level of commitment to each other and God and not anyone else, are also willing to communicate and discuss the fact that their sexual desires/needs/interests may not be fulfilled by just that one person. Don't think that I don't understand where you're coming from and that "open-ness" in a marriage flies in the face of what marriage is about...

Again, I don't subscribe to the notion that an open marriage is right for me or for anyone else on this board...but I'd be really interested to HEAR and LISTEN TO why it was right for someone else, and how it works, from someone in an open relationship.

How does one know that they FULLY satisfy their partner's needs? You (general) don't know that. You (general) just hope that the vows taken before God are enough to keep that other person from trying to fulfill his/her needs.... And you hope that what your partner would think that what he stands to lose is far surpasses what he stand to gain. What REALLY keeps SOME couples together? The vows they took or the fact that they don't want to be "talked about" by their friends/family/co-workers/peers? The love that they have for the person that their with or the notion that its "cheaper to keep her"? The commitment 2 people made to each before God and friends and family or the fear of "what happens when I get caught?".

...ahh yes, this is the OTHER side of the "sanctity" of marriage.


The "sanctity" that would have you sit and attribute a line on Jada Pinkett's forehead to an agreement you don't understand rather than acknowledge that her and her man made an agreement to each other that ALL whims, fantasies, ideas and thoughts are at a minimum, OPEN TO DISCUSSION.

You're kidding me right? You're actually relating to a show such as Real Sex as a basis for justifying open sex? Of course that show and others like it advocate 'anything goes'. You may as well say cancer is a healthy state of being. Give me a break here, please.

I guess those people in the show are happy. They're being spotlighted as sexually active and not sexually rejected. And that is a state of being that most people in society want to veiwed as...sexually functional and functioning. They were advertising themselves; afterall, they're being spotlighted on TV.

Knock knock, get the message here, this is not normal living, neither is it healthy living, nor safe living. And they should be ashamed of themselves for being so foolish.

There's something else, referring to your comment about God; whatever you do, leave God out of this. This is man's choice of living, not God's. For there are many paths that humans follow and the end is their own destruction. So please do not place insult upon God's Holiness with this mess. It's an insult and there's no justification for it. None.

Look, it's obvious that you and I will never agree upon this and I don't want to give you or anyone else here, the impression that I have ought against any of you. I don't. It's the issue and the subject here that I'm coming against and no one personally. I am simply no nonsense about certain issues and this is truly one of them. Society has been so sucked in and so deceived and loose minded, and it's a sad shame.

I am pro-marriage and I do know marriage is and what it is not; and I don't have a problem taking a stand to protect it.

So...I'm closing this with a for you and the rest of the precious lives in this thread.

 

[Syrah]

I am pro-marriage and I do know marriage is and what it is not; and I don't have a problem taking a stand to protect it.

So...I'm closing this with a for you and the rest of the precious lives in this thread.

:::didn't quote the whole post ONLY out of length:::

Nah, I'm not "justifying" anything based on an HBO show documentary. Actually I'm not advocating Open marriages at all. I'm saying only that I'm curious about the mechanics of how "open" marriages really work - and not the portrayal we see on HBO documentaries, Oprah or Jerry Springer. I just wonder how people REALLY make them work (or try to at least).
I'd be interested to know how it works for Will and Jada...and whether or not he's "acted" on the openness and how she felt about it...not that I ever will know.

But I'll respect the ehug - and no I don't think you were trying to change anyone else's mind.... Just talking about a concept and having a difference of opinion.

I too respect the concept of marriage. However marriage is not for me to protect - only to understand to the best of my ability and to make sure that if/when I do get married - I do all to protect MY marriage. And I think the simplest and most difficult thing one can do to protect marriage is COMMUNICATE...open marriages being an extreme result of that communication.