Are you in a sex-less marriage? Would you stay in a sex-less marriage?

[Cichelle]

Yes, I would stay in a sex-less marriage, depending on the circumstances.

 

[Syrah]

I was talking to a friend who has recently been having issues with her husband. One of the surprising issues is that they are not intimate. After talking with a few more folks, I am finding out that some married folks are more celibate than the single folks. I even heard from a married woman who has not had sex with her husband for over 2 years (and this is not due to a medical condition).

I know sex isn't everything, but if your spouse saw nothing wrong with holding out, would you continue with the marriage? What if you really like sex...how long would you stay in a sex-less marriage? 1 year, 2 years, forever if every thing else was going ok?

I'm not in one.

And I wouldn't stay in one.

I know that childbirth has an effect on women - and I don't know what the effects will be on me - but I hope my husband can stand by me during those change - however "temporary" they may be.

But a sexless marriage??? No way. Like MissScarlett, Lauren540 and BintYusef have said on so many occasions (rubbing it in the faces of us single ladies ), married sex looks and sounds like a lot of fun. It's one of many things I look forward to when getting married and I hope my hubby will to...

 

[Syrah]

*passes out on the floor*

What happened to channeling your inner Miss S?

OP- I have heard of this, apparently it can easily happen. Kids, mundane day to day activities of being a parent, bills, etc....I can definitely see how sex is just one more thing 'to do'.

I think that's why its important for women, especially moms to let go of what they can and really keep the focus on themselves first, and the marriage second. Alot of times, you're just too worn out from being 50-11 thngs to 50-11 people, you're like SEX, dude are you crazy? I gotta do laundry/fold clothes/make 25 cupcakes for pre-K tomorrow/work/pick up dry cleaning/clean up....

Anyway, I've been there done that. I think my first couple of years in a dual role as a mom and wife really took a toll on me and yep my sex life. I know that's shocking coming from me right But it did, I just took a step back and re-focused. Now, we never went weeks or months like I hear some married people saying, but our errah...uh...well our timeframes for having are different than most folks I'll just say it wasn't on our regular rotation

I've read alot about this and relationship experts just say basically "just do it" that is the only way you're going to want to do it, the longer you don't do it, the less you want it....so to get back in the swing of things, you just have to get back into it.

A good friend of mine is currently interning for a marriage and family therapist, to finalize her hours to do the same work. And her therapist actually recommends that people "budget and schedule" for it.

She prescribed it as something that married couples should do - budget a certain amount of money (they had 4 kids at home, so a hotel became a must at least initially, plus it added to the overall fantasy") once a month (Just for one night) and had them schedule it advance - they knew what the time was for and how it would be used.

...and the obvious occurred, they started looking forward to these one-night "jaunts" to the point where they started "pre-partying at home" (sex at home) which eventually had them back on track.

My girl said it took almost a year for them to get regular again (whatever regular is)....but IMO, it's totally worth it.

Like any other part of a relationship - emotional, spiritual, financial - if the sexual things are out of wack, you've got to WORK to fix 'em.

 

[SoCalli]

I was talking to a friend who has recently been having issues with her husband. One of the surprising issues is that they are not intimate. After talking with a few more folks, I am finding out that some married folks are more celibate than the single folks. I even heard from a married woman who has not had sex with her husband for over 2 years (and this is not due to a medical condition).

I know sex isn't everything, but if your spouse saw nothing wrong with holding out, would you continue with the marriage? What if you really like sex...how long would you stay in a sex-less marriage? 1 year, 2 years, forever if every thing else was going ok?

I know a woman who is married, and it has been three years since her and her husband slept together. She practically begged him, but he said he was sick or something. I think he is cheating on her. She couldn't take it and started cheating on him. I don't agree with her actions. I told her she should get a divorce, but her husband is the breadwinner and I'm sure she doesn't want to lose what they have.

 

[Syrah]

I know a woman who is married, and it has been three years since her and her husband slept together. She practically begged him, but he said he was sick or something. I think he is cheating on her. She couldn't take it and started cheating on him. I don't agree with her actions. I told her she should get a divorce, but her husband is the breadwinner and I'm sure she doesn't want to lose what they have.

Before they divorce, maybe they should talk about it. Yup - if she really wants to fix it, they should talk. Go spend a weekend somewhere (neutral space) and talk about what's going on.



Damn, people look at "marriage" like it's renting an apartment. "This ain't working for me - let's just pay the money and break the lease".

...sounds like 2 people who should've never been married in the first place.

 

[DragonPearl]

If I was married to a man who was 98 and very wealthy, hell yes!!!

 

[MizAvalon]

What would be the reason for no sex? I would try everything I could to resolve things but outside of a medical condition, I don't think I could remain married to a man that didn't want to be intimate with me.

 

[Alexis87]

I know a woman who is married, and it has been three years since her and her husband slept together. She practically begged him, but he said he was sick or something. I think he is cheating on her. She couldn't take it and started cheating on him. I don't agree with her actions. I told her she should get a divorce, but her husband is the breadwinner and I'm sure she doesn't want to lose what they have.

The more I talk about this, the more questions I get and the more I start to think outside the box. I have been reading in these forums about open marriage, polygamy, etc and all of these things are so different from what I am accustomed. I never heard of married folks not having sex. I know folks cheat, but I wondered what would cause someone to cheat. Now if I loved my husband, and he loved me and we intended to stay married, but we haven't had sex for 3 years, and I love sex as much as I love my husband, then why not go out and develop a relationship for sex?

 

[janiebaby]

I would only stay for medical reasons.

 

[flautist]

I think they need to have a TALK and find out where they both want the marriage to go. The woman cheated on her husband because she ASSUMED he was cheating on her. What if he weren't? Why hurt yourself and put yourself in danger because you think someone else is doing you wrong? That person is also hurting him/herself.

It takes prayer of all things. God can change the heart of man on your behalf. If you consult Him about your situations, He will get all up in your business and direct your path. Then blessings will come out of nowhere and tackle you. (sorry to get on a soap box).

 

[infojunkie]

If I was married to a man who was 98 and very wealthy, hell yes!!!

Now see, I thought I was the only one thinking this. And I'm not just talking filthy rich, I mean obscenely-quadruple X-commit me to an asylum-rich!!!

BUT THAT WOULD BE THE ONLIEST WAY I COULD TOLERATE THAT KIND OF FOOLISHNESS!!! If I'm wearing your last name and all parts are in perfect working order, I'm gonna need for you to attend to your marital obligations, stat!

 

[prettypuff1]

Now see, I thought I was the only one thinking this. And I'm not just talking filthy rich, I mean obscenely-quadruple X-commit me to an asylum-rich!!!

BUT THAT WOULD BE THE ONLIEST WAY I COULD TOLERATE THAT KIND OF FOOLISHNESS!!! If I'm wearing your last name and all parts are in perfect working order, I'm gonna need for you to attend to your marital obligations, stat!

No you arent

 

[MissScarlett]

Thank you for this. I assume in my friend's case, maybe this is what is happening with her husband. It's not the wife that is not being 'available'. I can definitely see if other issues are building up, it can wreck the sex life. And too, I guess the longer you put if off, the easier it is to go with out it?

That's what they say, or I've read in relationship articles, etc. The people that go months and then like your friend 2 years...it seems that its just easy NOT to *shrugs*, as with anything you get used to a situation

 

[MissScarlett]

A good friend of mine is currently interning for a marriage and family therapist, to finalize her hours to do the same work. And her therapist actually recommends that people "budget and schedule" for it.

She prescribed it as something that married couples should do - budget a certain amount of money (they had 4 kids at home, so a hotel became a must at least initially, plus it added to the overall fantasy") once a month (Just for one night) and had them schedule it advance - they knew what the time was for and how it would be used.

...and the obvious occurred, they started looking forward to these one-night "jaunts" to the point where they started "pre-partying at home" (sex at home) which eventually had them back on track.

My girl said it took almost a year for them to get regular again (whatever regular is)....but IMO, it's totally worth it.

Like any other part of a relationship - emotional, spiritual, financial - if the sexual things are out of wack, you've got to WORK to fix 'em.

My dh and I do this regularly, about every two to three weeks, its SO FUN. We got cheap takeout, a bottle of wine, its like you're doing something naughty.

Funny story, the hotel we always go to, we're all up in there with our wedding rings, I told dh I bet they think we're like cheating on our spouses...well we saw the front desk clerk at the gas station once, he was like like WOW those cheating married people are out, I said "hey we are like married"

Everything needs work. I'm amazed at all the things women will put energy into, their hair, their clothes, their kids school performance, their spiritual growth, whatever..but if you say "put work in your sexual relationship" Some women will balk at it. Its very defensive for some.... its like "What!?" That's not important-love is-I shouldn't have to do that-dh should love me for me-and not force me to work on something I don't have to-and if he cheats on me because I don't ever have sex, then he's a dirty dog.

I mean really to me, its like any other aspect of life-you get what you put into it. I

 

[MissScarlett]

The more I talk about this, the more questions I get and the more I start to think outside the box. I have been reading in these forums about open marriage, polygamy, etc and all of these things are so different from what I am accustomed. I never heard of married folks not having sex. I know folks cheat, but I wondered what would cause someone to cheat. Now if I loved my husband, and he loved me and we intended to stay married, but we haven't had sex for 3 years, and I love sex as much as I love my husband, then why not go out and develop a relationship for sex?

Oprah has had a few shows on it. Usually one spouse has some emotional or mental block up, or resentment or like for women, you know we cant' separate feelings and physicality sometimes, so if they feeling neglected emotionally-no way are they gonna have sex 5x a week.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

People have different sex drives. For myself, if I never did it again for 100 years it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
Most men have stronger sex drives than women, though.

 

[carcajada]

*passes out on the floor*

What happened to channeling your inner Miss S?

OP- I have heard of this, apparently it can easily happen. Kids, mundane day to day activities of being a parent, bills, etc....I can definitely see how sex is just one more thing 'to do'.

I think that's why its important for women, especially moms to let go of what they can and really keep the focus on themselves first, and the marriage second. Alot of times, you're just too worn out from being 50-11 thngs to 50-11 people, you're like SEX, dude are you crazy? I gotta do laundry/fold clothes/make 25 cupcakes for pre-K tomorrow/work/pick up dry cleaning/clean up....

Anyway, I've been there done that. I think my first couple of years in a dual role as a mom and wife really took a toll on me and yep my sex life. I know that's shocking coming from me right But it did, I just took a step back and re-focused. Now, we never went weeks or months like I hear some married people saying, but our errah...uh...well our timeframes for having are different than most folks I'll just say it wasn't on our regular rotation

I've read alot about this and relationship experts just say basically "just do it" that is the only way you're going to want to do it, the longer you don't do it, the less you want it....so to get back in the swing of things, you just have to get back into it.

@ bold: That's all for DH.

I mean really to me, its like any other aspect of life-you get what you put into it.

ITA!

 

[lux10023]

my sentiments exactly..

i go had at work--i go hard at home and i dayumn for sure go hard at keeping things in my world on the up and up if you get my drift--putting the same amount of energy and effort and time and etc into all aspects of your life--seem logical to me---

I mean really to me, its like any other aspect of life-you get what you put into it. I

 

[Syrah]

My dh and I do this regularly, about every two to three weeks, its SO FUN. We got cheap takeout, a bottle of wine, its like you're doing something naughty.

Funny story, the hotel we always go to, we're all up in there with our wedding rings, I told dh I bet they think we're like cheating on our spouses...well we saw the front desk clerk at the gas station once, he was like like WOW those cheating married people are out, I said "hey we are like married"

Everything needs work. I'm amazed at all the things women will put energy into, their hair, their clothes, their kids school performance, their spiritual growth, whatever..but if you say "put work in your sexual relationship" Some women will balk at it. Its very defensive for some.... its like "What!?" That's not important-love is-I shouldn't have to do that-dh should love me for me-and not force me to work on something I don't have to-and if he cheats on me because I don't ever have sex, then he's a dirty dog.

I mean really to me, its like any other aspect of life-you get what you put into it. I

Shoot...this is the kinda work that can be fun. Getting your hair done and spending money doesn't feel half as good...

 

[Syrah]

People have different sex drives. For myself, if I never did it again for 100 years it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
Most men have stronger sex drives than women, though.

But it tends to slow down with age, for men. For women, it tends to increase with age...

 

[sky_blu]

With my drive. Im not sure but I a guess sexless marriage is a natural progression after you've been with someone for so long. 50, 60, 70, 80 still having the same drive that I have now? Probably not. Any age below that not sure. Once, I get married and the sex drys up I'll come back to this thread with a better answer.

 

[Farida]

Can you expound on this please?

Some people put it like this:

Men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love.

I can't speak for all men and women, but barring medical/psychiatric reasons:

for the most part, if a woman is unhappy emotionally, it will affect her sex drive, or her willingness to have sex with that partner. Many men know, a surefire way to get in a woman's pants is to meet her emotional needs, especially when she is vulnerable. From what I know when a woman withholds sex it is because her needs are not met.

Most men love sex, and if they aren't trying to get it from you, you have to wonder if they are cheating or unattracted to you. This is assuming they weren't like this at the beginning.

 

[Syrah]

Some people put it like this:

Men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love.

I can't speak for all men and women, but barring medical/psychiatric reasons:

for the most part, if a woman is unhappy emotionally, it will affect her sex drive, or her willingness to have sex with that partner. Many men know, a surefire way to get in a woman's pants is to meet her emotional needs, especially when she is vulnerable. From what I know when a woman withholds sex it is because her needs are not met.

Most men love sex, and if they aren't trying to get it from you, you have to wonder if they are cheating or unattracted to you. This is assuming they weren't like this at the beginning.

Damn...and there it is right there...

 

[Valerie]

No, I couldn't, I was in one for seven years and I prayed that I could be out, so when he said 'He no longer wanted to be married anymore'. I was upset, but I thanked God, I was free and I realised that I deserved better!

 

[Evolving78]

I could do it forever. No big deal.

i'm ridin that train with you!

 

[Evolving78]

Some people put it like this:

Men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love.

I can't speak for all men and women, but barring medical/psychiatric reasons:

for the most part, if a woman is unhappy emotionally, it will affect her sex drive, or her willingness to have sex with that partner. Many men know, a surefire way to get in a woman's pants is to meet her emotional needs, especially when she is vulnerable. From what I know when a woman withholds sex it is because her needs are not met.

Most men love sex, and if they aren't trying to get it from you, you have to wonder if they are cheating or unattracted to you. This is assuming they weren't like this at the beginning.

i couldn't have said it better.

 

[Evolving78]

Shoot...this is the kinda work that can be fun. Getting your hair done and spending money doesn't feel half as good...

i don't agree, but we all have our likes and dislikes

 

[Evolving78]

A good friend of mine is currently interning for a marriage and family therapist, to finalize her hours to do the same work. And her therapist actually recommends that people "budget and schedule" for it.

She prescribed it as something that married couples should do - budget a certain amount of money (they had 4 kids at home, so a hotel became a must at least initially, plus it added to the overall fantasy") once a month (Just for one night) and had them schedule it advance - they knew what the time was for and how it would be used.

...and the obvious occurred, they started looking forward to these one-night "jaunts" to the point where they started "pre-partying at home" (sex at home) which eventually had them back on track.

My girl said it took almost a year for them to get regular again (whatever regular is)....but IMO, it's totally worth it.

Like any other part of a relationship - emotional, spiritual, financial - if the sexual things are out of wack, you've got to WORK to fix 'em.

that sounds like a good idea

 

[calm_delight]

I have a friend who is a self-proclaimed "asexual". She explained to me that while she can't be in a relationship devoid of love, respect, intimacy, fun, fidelity, laughter, affection, etc... she can DEFINITELY be in a relationship without actual sex/penetration/oral/etc. She has absolutely no interest in sex and has no problem with it (now), nor is she embarrassed about it. In her last relationship, she had sex occasionally out of "duty" or because of guilt but now that she's not in that relationship, she is a much happier person. Her hope/wish is to find and marry a man who feels the same way she does. She is pretty much certain she'll (not that there aren't any out there) never find one. I however, think that although her chances are slim, there is still a chance she'll find the perfect man for her. Maybe that's just the eternal optimist in me. She told me to check out this website in order to learn more about her "condition" http://www.asexuality.org/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=section&id=6&Itemid=28
BTW - She's 41 years old so she's relatively young and she has a 3 year old daughter (she was told for 14 or so years that she'd NEVER have biological children).

My answer - no way, jose BUT NOW I understand her better

 

[calm_delight]

I just wondered if he was turning gay or on the downlow or something.

I though of the couple that hasn't done it in two years. This may be easier for a woman, but from what men have told me it makes it hard for me to imagine a married man going that long without sex.

@ "turning gay". Sorry the way you 'said' that literally made me LOL. I'm feeling a bit silly tonight...carry on. *clears throat*