♥~♥ SINGLE MOTHERS SUPPORT THREAD! ♥~♥

[3jsmom]

As having been both a married mom and now a single mom, I can say the guilt pangs are the same on either side.

I remember the absolute emotional torture when I had to return to work. I had been a SAHM from her birth to age 2.5 years and was still married. Man, it took months not to feel like it was some sort of child abuse. Got over it eventually. Then more pangs when we separated and she has her days with her dad still and it's been years.

Hell even when she has a sleepover with her BFF directly across the street from my house--200ft away I feel like hell!

Mother's curse, I suppose...

Well, I won't go to those extremes,

I guess having three kids make a difference but they do go on vacy with my dad w/o me and I love the peace. I get to just recharge and relax.

 

[Smiley79]

Great points. Based on the last few replies, I think we need to discuss this "guilt" feeling a lot more. I think this will be a great discussion to help us resolve the internal feeling of guilt that may be holding us back in one way or another. Needless to say we're awesome Mothers and love our children dearly; we're doing our very best and giving our all whole-heartedly. To me, the feeling of "Guilt" should be used for Moms who choose to neglect their kids, or put men, leisure and material gain ahead of their kids. I doubt that's the case of us here based on all these wonderful posts. We're just a bunch of single moms trying to juggle it all as best as we can. So with that said, I hope we can further discuss these feelings of guilt and hopefully turn them into something more positive, rewarding, realistic and fulfilling.

I really like the term that 3jsmom used: self love/self care. Yes! I love that. And I think it could even make our kids happy to see Mom doing her thing from time to time and glowing from having done something nice for herself; the same glow we get when we do nice things for them. ( I know it's easier said that done but it's worth us discussing. I know I personally need to work on this and I want to work on it because that "guilt" feeling in itself is really counterproductive)

**so much for my attempt to type shorter posts, SMH. I'm gonna go have a seat! lolll***

 

[3jsmom]

Smiley79 Yes!!!! I have made it a plan for 2014 to do more selfloving/caring things, it can be as simple taking a relaxing bath once a week. I started doing that prior to the new year and now it is a weekly thing. Just if it is 15 mins of me relaxing in a nice warm/hot bath. I brought me some nice bath salts and I plan on making my own to save $$$. I just imagine releasing all the weekly stresses and having the go down the drain.

 

[DarkJoy]

Smiley79 Yes!!!! I have made it a plan for 2014 to do more selfloving/caring things, it can be as simple taking a relaxing bath once a week. I started doing that prior to the new year and now it is a weekly thing. Just if it is 15 mins of me relaxing in a nice warm/hot bath. I brought me some nice bath salts and I plan on making my own to save $$$. I just imagine releasing all the weekly stresses and having the go down the drain.

...'hole up. What's a good site for homemade bath salt instructions? Might be a good project for me and dd. She loves her baths too. Lol. 3jsmom

Ok... Back to the discussion at hand.

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

 

[Smiley79]

Yup, I hear you. That's so good that you are doing that.

My splurge has been spa nights at home. I bought a bunch of facials,.oils, and perfumes and I just do me for an hour. When my finances get a bit more stable I want to do more by going out obviously but for now I make do with I can and these spa nights have been lovely. Even my joining the gym has been part of my Me time.

 

[Smiley79]

...'hole up. What's a good site for homemade bath salt instructions? Might be a good project for me and dd. She loves her baths too. Lol. 3jsmom

Ok... Back to the discussion at hand.

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

DarkJoy lollll, girl I stay on Pinterest and get those sort of recipes from there. Sorry I can't send a link now but check it out an tell me what you think. My daughter and I made mini batches of scented whipped she butter and coconut oil. So fun and so yummy smelling. (And great for my spa nights)

 

[DarkJoy]

Ooo thank you Smiley79. I will check it out when I'm off work..
_____________________________________________________________


So about guilt: I am working on it. And I try to get persepctive on the situation. Some of it is typical divorce guilt that parents feel. However, trying to look at it from the outside in, she is actually doing BETTER than when we were all together. She is now the top student in her class. Much advanced on standardized tests. When mom and dad were together and miserable, she was much younger but she was also doing 'average' and even 'poorly' in her school. We got calls often for her poor behavior. None of this is an issue now.

I think the part of the guilt is our own disappointment that things have not gone the way WE planned and had hoped. If the child is doing well and as you say Smiley79, not being abused, there is no logical reason to feel that way.

I think (general) we--mostly ME -- just have to get over ourselves, especially if everything else is going right.

 

[jshor09]

Howdy all. im recently divorced with three children. I have a 11 yr old boy, 9 yr old boy, and 4 yr old diva. Im very overprotective of them and a tad nervous about the whole dating world. lol.

 

[sunnydaze]

Ooo thank you @Smiley79. I will check it out when I'm off work..
_____________________________________________________________


So about guilt: I am working on it. And I try to get persepctive on the situation. Some of it is typical divorce guilt that parents feel. However, trying to look at it from the outside in, she is actually doing BETTER than when we were all together. She is now the top student in her class. Much advanced on standardized tests. When mom and dad were together and miserable, she was much younger but she was also doing 'average' and even 'poorly' in her school. We got calls often for her poor behavior. None of this is an issue now.

I think the part of the guilt is our own disappointment that things have not gone the way WE planned and had hoped. If the child is doing well and as you say @Smiley79, not being abused, there is no logical reason to feel that way.

I think (general) we--mostly ME -- just have to get over ourselves, especially if everything else is going right.

 

[sunnydaze]

Even though we divorced when my daughter was 2, I left my husband when I was 8 months pregnant. She has never seen he and I together under the same roof. All she know is me and her living together. I'm grateful she didn't have to go through the trauma of watching her daddy leave.

Like DarkJoy, my daughter is thriving. She is in a gifted and talented program at her school, makes friends easily, loving, etc. Plus I am blessed that she and I live quite comfortably and I am able to give her pretty much whatever she wants. Still, I do have those moments. I had a two parent household growing up. Through no fault of her own, she doesn't have that (at least not right now). I think I carry a bit of guilt with me b/c of that.

 

[3jsmom]

I didn't feel guilty bc I was departing from an emotional abusive relationship. I left him bc of my children. There was no way I wanted them to think was normal.

For three months after we split the kids slept in my room and we just stayed connected. There were days of craziness going on bc my youngest didn't understand and missed her dad. My son hated me until recently bc he still missed their dad. My ex would try to manipulate my son into thinking I was a bad guy. I still didn't feel guilty bc I knew who he was. My son recently got the veil removed and seen his dad as who he is and he is done.

My kids are doing great in school and have social lives. My parents buy all the outlandish gifts and that is when the guilt comes bc I want to treat them with nice things. But then I remember that I give then love, discipline and attention. Those are gifts that mean the world to them.

 

[crlsweetie912]

I didn't feel guilty bc I was departing from an emotional abusive relationship. I left him bc of my children. There was no way I wanted them to think was normal.

For three months after we split the kids slept in my room and we just stayed connected. There were days of craziness going on bc my youngest didn't understand and missed her dad. My son hated me until recently bc he still missed their dad. My ex would try to manipulate my son into thinking I was a bad guy. I still didn't feel guilty bc I knew who he was. My son recently got the veil removed and seen his dad as who he is and he is done.

My kids are doing great in school and have social lives. My parents buy all the outlandish gifts and that is when the guilt comes bc I want to treat them with nice things. But then I remember that I give then love, discipline and attention. Those are gifts that mean the world to them.

Yes......for years when they were young is suffered really bad with depression. Because of the choices I made with their fathers, we were struggling. I felt like I was a bad mother because we didn't have the traditional family. Even because my family didn't rally around and support me. It wasn't until my youngest was maybe three or four that I came to grips with it. And I can't even remember how it happened, but I know even though my situation isn't ideal or perfect, I'm a dang good mother.
I'm managing this as best as I can and my faith really got me through. And we definitely had our rough spots, and still do, but when I look at them I have a pride and joy because my babies are strong, smart, good young men, so I must have done a few little things right along the way! Lol.

 

[SweetlyCurly]

I too left an emotionally abusive relationship. Thank God, I had enough sense to do it while he was still young (son was 3 months old). I thought it was best to part ways while son was young enough so it wouldn't affect him as much. Now that he's getting older though he's starting to ask questions though. So I'm feeling really guilty. He sees his father almost every weekend but when he's dropped off he says he's sad because he misses his daddy and he asks why is daddy not home with us. I feel guilty because I want him to have a family but I just couldn't deal being treated like that any longer

 

[sugarcane]

Hey yall, please dont quote.

My DH is in jail for assaulting me. My 4 year old cries for and misses him greatly. I feel so quilty and have so much on my plate right now.. They have never been apart this long and im thinking of taking LO to the local jail to see him. Im torn and just looking for input because I have not shared any of this with my family or friends.

 

[3jsmom]

Hey yall, please dont quote.

My DH is in jail for assaulting me and my 4 year old cries for and misses him greatly. I feel so quilty and have so much on my plate right now.. They have never been apart this long and im thinking of taking LO to the local jail to see him. Im torn and just looking for input because I have not shared any of this with my family or friends.

First off (((HUGS))) TO YOU!!!!! You are doing what is best for Your child and You!!!! An abuser will continue to try to have a control over you and have you feel like you are not going to be able to survive without them. Let me tell you, YOU CAN SURVIVE!!!! Look all the ladies here in this thread that have admitted they left their mate because of abuse. Allow your daughter to spend time with her but you continue to seperate yourself from him. It is up to him to develop a relationship with her. But one thing you don't want is for her to think that abuse is normal or okay. My ex grew up in that type of environment so that is why he did it to me.

 

[3jsmom]

I too left an emotionally abusive relationship. Thank God, I had enough sense to do it while he was still young (son was 3 months old). I thought it was best to part ways while son was young enough so it wouldn't affect him as much. Now that he's getting older though he's starting to ask questions though. So I'm feeling really guilty. He sees his father almost every weekend but when he's dropped off he says he's sad because he misses his daddy and he asks why is daddy not home with us. I feel guilty because I want him to have a family but I just couldn't deal being treated like that any longer

I am not sure the age of your son but I would tell him that your ex and you tried a relationship but it did not work out well. Tell him that you both love him and that the relationship that you have now is for his best interest.

You did what was best for your son and you. Maybe when he gets much older you tell him more of the truth but continue to love him and let him know that his father and you both love him despite them not being together.

My ex tried to manipulate my son into having me take him back, so make sure you snuff anything out when he comes home.

 

[SweetlyCurly]

I am not sure the age of your son but I would tell him that your ex and you tried a relationship but it did not work out well. Tell him that you both love him and that the relationship that you have now is for his best interest.

You did what was best for your son and you. Maybe when he gets much older you tell him more of the truth but continue to love him and let him know that his father and you both love him despite them not being together.

My ex tried to manipulate my son into having me take him back, so make sure you snuff anything out when he comes home.

First, (totally unrelated) You are Jaylen'smommy from NC right? Thank you for all the advice and support you gave me on the transtioners support thread. You have no idea how much it helped. ( My handle was Rusycurly btw)

He's only 3 so my only explanation is that daddy lives somewhere else and that he'll see him Friday. As much of an a**hole as his father is I promised myself I would never badmouth him to my son...although I'm sure he is not going to extend me the same courtesy but whatever. Some weeks ago though, I started a diary with the purpose of giving it to my son when he is much older explaining some of the things that are going on now so hopefully it would shed some clarity on the situation.

 

[SweetlyCurly]

sugarcane

(((Hugs))) this is an impossible situation and I'm sorry you are going through it. You need to remember some things though and hopefully this will help your decisions.
1) No one, NO ONE deserves to be assaulted by their spouse no matter what the situation is.
2) As stated before by another poster, unfortunately once a person crosses that line of disrespect is very easy for them to do it again and again.
3) Is normal for you to feel guilty. After all, there's a little innocent person in the middle of all this that's being affected. However, you did not cause this situation. I repeat YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS SITUATION. You need to repeat and remember this often. You are just doing the best you can with the situation presented.

With all that said though, you know your husband better than any of us do so just take a breather, assess your situation and see what can be done later on to benefit you and your little one.

 

[Hairsnob]

@sugarcane

You've been given great advice by the others. SweetlyCurly and @3jsmom - you might want to edit your posts to delete her quotes though. Thanks!

That's a hard one though. I'd probably just let her talk to him over the phone for now if he's allowed to call. Whether or not you take her to see him, she will still cry for him after that again anyway and you'll be in the same boat. You're not in a position to see him yourself though so that's why I say it's better to call him for now.

I'm praying that you and your daughter will be okay after what you've been through.

 

[deltadreamland]

My guilt centers around not being able to do everything that needs to be done at home. I need to stay away from 2 parent households that are neat and clean. Because when I come back home, I feel as though my house should be that same way all the time. I forget that most 2 parent households have help with the dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. So when I get home from a hard day at work, something is ALWAYS undone. There is always either laundry that needs to be folded, clothes that need to be washed, a dishwasher that needs to be emptied, dinner that needs to be cooked, trash that needs to be taken out...I just need to realize that I cannot do it all in one evening.

 

[Bublin]

My guilt centers around not being able to do everything that needs to be done at home. I need to stay away from 2 parent households that are neat and clean. Because when I come back home, I feel as though my house should be that same way all the time. I forget that most 2 parent households have help with the dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. So when I get home from a hard day at work, something is ALWAYS undone. There is always either laundry that needs to be folded, clothes that need to be washed, a dishwasher that needs to be emptied, dinner that needs to be cooked, trash that needs to be taken out...I just need to realize that I cannot do it all in one evening.

I have the opposite problem. I keep my house very neat and tidy because I don't want anyone pointing the finger, ' look, poor single parent can't cope.
tbh I see more untidy 2 parent households than I do single ones. I think lone parents feel they have something to prove.

 

[PeopleTalkDaily]

Very frustrated today....

I feel as if I'm drowning.
I just moved back to the MD area because I was living in NYC.
My kids were staying with Dad for the last year. My plan was to get my bizness off ground and finish school and just get myself together. I have been doing everything alone for the last 16 years. Dad agreed it was time for me to do me..I did the hard part. My daughter is in college and son on the way out the door.

Long story short...I came back because it go the point..I was in MD every weekend..All of my money was coming back here via western union, bank deposit. My kids father basically did bare min. My kids(college and 11th grade) called me for everything. Dad famous thing of giving money is $20 or going to McDonald's and buying a 10 piece and share with my son.

For example: My daughter wanted to get her hair braided before going back to school. She asked her dad for money..He gave her $20..He works full-time and when he gets paid he basically takes care of what he needs for himself. His bills and if he has some to spare he will give..He doesn't even purchase real groceries..But he has a life...He goes out and has a great ole time.

I took a pay cut at the job I'm at. Need to catch up on everything for me. But when I get paid..I must pay rent, bare min on my bills and everything is needed for the kids.

I'm frustrated and tired and just want to scream.

I'm just having a really bad day. So I don't even know what I'm looking for outside of posting this..

UGGGGhhhh..I thought when the kids get older it gets easier...

 

[DarkJoy]

sugarcane. Sorry you are going this traumatic experience.

I'm going to be the hardarse here and say I wouldnt allow this man near my child at all no matter how much she cries. You yourself said he assaulted BOTH of you. Oh well. His loss.

In no way shape or form do I see jail as being an appropriate place for a child to visit anyone, including a parent. What will that say to you child? That folks who hurt should still get love from those they hurt? No. No. No. This is all very co-dependent. Stop the cycle or your child will be in the same position as you (the co-dependent) or him (the attacker) in a good 18 years or so.

I recommend deep counseling for the two of you.

 

[DarkJoy]

I have the opposite problem. I keep my house very neat and tidy because I don't want anyone pointing the finger, ' look, poor single parent can't cope.
tbh I see more untidy 2 parent households than I do single ones. I think lone parents feel they have something to prove.

Hey @Bublin and deltadreamland ! I tend to keep the place tidy as well for the same reason...as least the places people eat and chill out. lol. My bedroom and the closets are...well... another story

ETA: My dryer is also storage too for when I'm too lazy to fold up the clean clothes. LOL. I should fold that last load tomorrow...

 

[sugarcane]

DarkJoy I'm sorry that my post was unclear but he did not assault our child, just me. We haven't had any contact with him since the incident. I hate that my child is being "punished" for our poor choices. It breaks my heart.

 

[DarkJoy]

My bad for getting it wrong @sugarcane. In the kindest way, my advice still stands.

Your thinking is negative. By not making them be around an abuser, especially right now, think of it in a positive light:

you are teaching your child the most valuable life-lessons that will stay with them until the day s/he dies. their own worth in this life. pride. dignity. strength. self-esteem.

Punishing the LO would be to keep them around an abuser, and my implication, saying it's alright to do that to another human being. Actually, those actions, IMHO, would be abusing the child.

Stay strong. We are the adults. It's up to us to be much stronger than our children.

 

[3jsmom]

First, (totally unrelated) You are Jaylen'smommy from NC right? Thank you for all the advice and support you gave me on the transtioners support thread. You have no idea how much it helped. ( My handle was Rusycurly btw)

He's only 3 so my only explanation is that daddy lives somewhere else and that he'll see him Friday. As much of an a**hole as his father is I promised myself I would never badmouth him to my son...although I'm sure he is not going to extend me the same courtesy but whatever. Some weeks ago though, I started a diary with the purpose of giving it to my son when he is much older explaining some of the things that are going on now so hopefully it would shed some clarity on the situation.

That is not me, I have a Jalen but his name has no y in it. What a coincidence. I like that idea of an diary. I wrote a letter to my kids when they were born about my dad's illness b/c I was not sure he was going to live to see them the age they are now. They all read it and totally understand and appreciate at every experiene with him that much more.

I agree not to bad mouth your ex, my mom didn't do it when it came to my dad so I extended my ex the same courtesy. My kids now bad mouth him b/c they seen for themselves. I could write a book on his foolishness but I won't

 

[3jsmom]

MochaWisdom that sucks that your ex really didn't step up but your children will appreciate your sacrifice. Just know once they are old enough they will shower their love back to you.

I think these guys don't realize when they are old and need assistance those same kids that they didn't help will be the ones they are dependent upon.

 

[SweetlyCurly]

That is not me, I have a Jalen but his name has no y in it. What a coincidence. I like that idea of an diary. I wrote a letter to my kids when they were born about my dad's illness b/c I was not sure he was going to live to see them the age they are now. They all read it and totally understand and appreciate at every experiene with him that much more.

I agree not to bad mouth your ex, my mom didn't do it when it came to my dad so I extended my ex the same courtesy. My kids now bad mouth him b/c they seen for themselves. I could write a book on his foolishness but I won't

Well, that's exactly what I'm thinking. I won't have to bad mouth him because ultimately my son will see his foolishness with his own eyes.

 

[Evolving78]

has anyone used care.com? it is hard to get a reliable sitter.

does everyone in this thread have a regular 9-5 job? how do you handle dropping off and picking your children up from daycare/aftercare? do you have family that helps you out? how many have had to rely on family to help you with your children?