School me. What's your definition of providing?

PrissiSippi

PrissiSippi

Simply Komplex
My post from another thread

I pay half of the rent and electricity. He pays cable and half of rent. He makes more than I do and pays for all dates and little stuff around the house like light bulbs paper towels patio furniture and etc. I really don't think it's fair for a man to pay allllll the bills even though its sounds nice from the girl point of view. What's the point of being smart getting a good job that pays 75000 plus and having to take care of another besides my child. I'm all for providing but when I think about this I think of him getting my car fixed, washed every Sunday, buying things for the house before I need them, driving me around, giving our house physical security, making sure I'm not any any harm's way and etc. I can pay bills on my own.
 
I commend you for actually putting this in the right section, but DarkJoy is right. If you want more responses, you should've put this in OT, especially since the threads I think you're referencing happen to be located there anyway.
 
Nah no OT cuz I don't want anything of the shullbit that comes with posting there. I just want input. And no, I'm not married. We live together and just doing it like how I see fit if I were married concerning bills but nope. We're in the picking out rings stage.
 
I was just asking because it seems like you are sharing expenses like normal roommates/people who live together and I see nothing wrong with your scenario for a non-married couple. If you want to continue that after marriage, that's cool too. I wouldn't see that as providing though.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF
 
I think you're paying way too much when you're going to be doing most of the housework, raising children to adult age...taking care of him and cooking. Men like to eat homemade food. Men will do some of that, but not anywhere as much as you will...I don't care what he says. If you work, that's a lot.:nono:

Men usually take pride in protecting and providing for his family. I'm a traditional thinker when it comes to marriage though. I also don't like the term 'strong black woman'. I don't want to have to be strong all of the time. :look:
 
*CherryPie* said:
I think you're paying way too much when you're going to be doing most of the housework, raising children to adult age...taking care of him and cooking. Men like to eat homemade food. Men will do some of that, but not anywhere as much as you will...I don't care what he says. If you work, that's a lot.:nono:

Men usually take pride in protecting and providing for his family. I'm a traditional thinker when it comes to marriage though. I also don't like the term 'strong black woman'. I don't want to have to be strong all of the time. :look:
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I see what you're saying but I was under the impression that once married you shouldn't be taking score. I think it causes all this hostility. And I don't think a woman should be doing all of this alone. Don't get me wrong I know from living with a man it is fatten 60 40 or better yet 70 30 when it comes to me doing housework cleaning and etc but that's my choice. If I were to ask for help like now with the cleaning every wish would be my command. In the beginning I was very angry. I felt like the man wins everything from cohabitation. Meals, sex, companionship, and a clean home but that was only because I didn't know how to voice my concerns. I let stuff build up until I just blew things out of proportion now if I cook I tell him to clean afterwards. If I'm cleaning, HE BETTER STOP whatever he's doing and help me lol. He usually does it cuz that ,eans I'm happy and then we spend more time together.

What is y'all's ideas of providing?
 
It's not taking score. You should not be taking score in ANY kind of relationship.:nono: It's about being realistic. Some women become resentful when they get tired from doing all the work AND paying half too.

You are not married yet. So some of that stuff he's doing might not be genuine. like you said "then we spend more time together".

If you're fine with how things are, be okay with that. These are just opinions.:look:





PrissiSippi said:
I see what you're saying but I was under the impression that once married you shouldn't be taking score. I think it causes all this hostility. And I don't think a woman should be doing all of this alone. Don't get me wrong I know from living with a man it is fatten 60 40 or better yet 70 30 when it comes to me doing housework cleaning and etc but that's my choice. If I were to ask for help like now with the cleaning every wish would be my command. In the beginning I was very angry. I felt like the man wins everything from cohabitation. Meals, sex, companionship, and a clean home but that was only because I didn't know how to voice my concerns. I let stuff build up until I just blew things out of proportion now if I cook I tell him to clean afterwards. If I'm cleaning, HE BETTER STOP whatever he's doing and help me lol. He usually does it cuz that ,eans I'm happy and then we spend more time together.

What is y'all's ideas of providing?
Click to expand...
 
Its not providing in my opinion, but a reasonable approach for 2 individuals not married, but cohabitating.

I don't think one should keep score either whether or not you are married. I was just discussing the other thread with some guys and ofcourse they all came to guys defense: he was doing more than enough, blah, blah....and at first that was my POV too. However, with additional information/analysis, I agree with some of the women who said...he shouldn't be itemizing, approach everything so business/percents cut and dry. He also shouldn't have said because I make more/have more interests....I essentially should get more money. Thats not a partnership to me. None of the men in my family ever approach my mom/aunts like that. They put their wives/SO first in many ways before them and the women did so in other areas. There was no tit/tat...they shared everything and no one even thought about who did/had more. They were a unit and they thought like one.

As far as a strict definition of provider, to me its closer to my uncle and aunts relationship. He earned and protected. Their lifestyle was maintained with his income. Her income was used for additional investments and extras.

How I envision a provider for my future: I'm still defining it..... I work and will continue to work as I don't see kids in my future. I am however, exposed to many men in my field who could keep up with me financially so to speak. That appeals to me, but Id be limiting my prospects to just those men. I also know as many champions of the "work wit a brutha" campaigns that I feel has corrupted my ability to do as the women before me did..'Marry up' or 'marry "across" if he has a plan' and make sure he's generous. Ah well. I'll figure it out.

Great thread OP. I am curious how many of the women here define provider, especially the ones with careers.
 
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I've posted this before last year but it's worth reposting here.

"In this day and age where both spouses typically work, it's not simply about men providing financially.

I came in from work yesterday to find DH doing the laundry and he had his drill out to make a home repair. He did the vacuuming and mopped the floors a couple of days ago. When I came in from work today he had done the dishes....during a break and then he went back to work. We had tire issues with all 3 vehicles over the weekend. DH got that all fixed and called me just to let me know where the cars were parked. I also send in DH to deal with random household problems since he gets faster results with vendors/complex staff.

A coworker was complaining today, again, about her deadbeat husband who won't help with anything....not even with their 2 kids. She is like his personal assistant since he cannot do anything on his own. I hear her scheduling all of his appointments during the work day although at one point he was at home with a back injury. Even today she was complaining about his not helping the kids with homework so she had to be up late helping the kids. I am not sure why she hasn't divorced him since it's been YEARS of her complaining about the guy. He seems nice enough at the holiday parties but that is only because he has no idea how bad she talks about him at the office."
 
It seems like y'all make threads just to get people to agree with you. I thought you just wanted opinions of what we think a provider is. If you already know how you think it should be, just go with that...because this thread may end up like all of the rest.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I see what you're saying but I was under the impression that once married you shouldn't be taking score. I think it causes all this hostility. And I don't think a woman should be doing all of this alone. Don't get me wrong I know from living with a man it is fatten 60 40 or better yet 70 30 when it comes to me doing housework cleaning and etc but that's my choice. If I were to ask for help like now with the cleaning every wish would be my command. In the beginning I was very angry. I felt like the man wins everything from cohabitation. Meals, sex, companionship, and a clean home but that was only because I didn't know how to voice my concerns. I let stuff build up until I just blew things out of proportion now if I cook I tell him to clean afterwards. If I'm cleaning, HE BETTER STOP whatever he's doing and help me lol. He usually does it cuz that ,eans I'm happy and then we spend more time together.

What is y'all's ideas of providing?
Click to expand...
THe bolded--we shouldnt be keeping but score, but guess what? We DO. So, IDK, folks that say 'shouldn't' mean just that shouldnt. And a look at all the rest of that paragraph bolded, in essence that IS keeping score, more on tasks and less on finances though. I think we start to keep score when we notice the man is not keeping up on his half or 75% or whatever people decide is providing or partnership for them. It's when folks starts slacking it becomes issue.

Now as far as a provider, well that's subjective. And I really think the subjectiveness comes into play depending on where you live. In the US, it may be harder to find a traditional provider than in other parts, meaning he covers most of the bills. Say, in NY where a studio in Manhattan rents for $2000 and San Francisco isnt much better, which excludes food and utilities, you might be pressed to find a FULL provider. THat is IF you're being realistic and not living in fantasy land. It might be easier to find a traditional provider in, say, Iowa.

So where life costs more than a mortgage in certain parts of the US, you might find yourself more in a partnership by geography and circumstance. Just a thought.
 
*CherryPie* said:
It seems like y'all make threads just to get people to agree with you. I thought you just wanted opinions of what we think a provider is. If you already know how you think it should be, just go with that...because this thread may end up like all of the rest.
Click to expand...

This is LHCF. We will never have a consensus. Of course I have my own opinion but that doesn't mean it's right and doesn't mean I'm not open to see what others that are wiser than me think. Don't make my post something it is not.
 
A man who provides to me is one who takes care of problems without me nagging. He takes care of problems before I even know there is one. He is proactive in keeping our home safe, keeping our home fixed, and keeping it comfortable. A provider just helps in every way possible and gives me nothing to worry about because he will find a way. It's not just about money, because we pool money and we don't keep track of who's check pays which bills. Since I am working my extra income is going towards increasing our standard of living and paying off debt/ saving for retirement. When I have children and choose to be a SaHM for a while, well of course my definition of provider will depend more on his ability to finance our lives.

I'm sure everyone's definition will differ because our needs as women are different and our relationships are different.
 
fluffyforever said:
A man who provides to me is one who takes care of problems without me nagging. He takes care of problems before I even know there is one. He is proactive in keeping our home safe, keeping our home fixed, and keeping it comfortable. A provider just helps in every way possible and gives me nothing to worry about because he will find a way. It's not just about money, because we pool money and we don't keep track of who's check pays which bills. Since I am working my extra income is going towards increasing our standard of living and paying off debt/ saving for retirement. When I have children and choose to be a SaHM for a while, well of course my definition of provider will depend more on his ability to finance our lives.

I'm sure everyone's definition will differ because our needs as women are different and our relationships are different.
Click to expand...

This is how I feel as well, especially the sentence in pink. I don't need much financial assistance, but the "providing" aspect of it all. I feel so safe, secure, and loved knowing that I don't have to worry about much of anything at all. That's true love in my opinion.
 
I can't make your post something that it's not. I said it seems like...and it does.

PrissiSippi said:
This is LHCF. We will never have a consensus. Of course I have my own opinion but that doesn't mean it's right and doesn't mean I'm not open to see what others that are wiser than me think. Don't make my post something it is not.
Click to expand...
 
Everyone should do what works for them. It seems to me though that the " independent" women seem to have hostility towards Sahms and women whose husbands pay all the bills. It is also annoying that they like to tell single women finding a husband who takes care of everything financially is unrealistic or a fairytale it is not. Men will rise to the standard you set. If not he is not the one. If said women are genuinely happy with their situation why all the animosity?

I could never be happy with a man who did not see it as his duty to provide 100% for his family. I recently returned to work after being a sahm for 6 years. It feels good to know that I can quit at anytime and that I will never have to choose work over being there for my family. My husband has always paid all of our expenses even the 7 years we lived together before marriage. It is not difficult to live off one income if you are willing to adjust to life within your means and do not have or acquire debt. Student loans can be deferred or paid based in income. My husband says my money is mine. But I use it to buy clothes for the family ( though he always says not to spend money on him), toiletries, make-up, hair products, gifts for family and save but it is all at my discretion. My husband is still a very active father and helps around the house. He feels immense pride in taking care of us and wants me to be as comfortable and stress free as possible. I know many other men like this and it is how my daughter and future son will be raised.
 
I believe couples need to manage their duties in a way that makes them happy and maintains a functional household. I work and my husband works. We both take care of bills and it works for us. He is not a provider in the sense that he pays all the bills. That's fine for me at this point in my life. What he does provide is household maintenance. When something needs to be repaired he handles it. When we need a contractor, repairman etc., he handles it. He takes care of me in basic ways, like I never have to buy paper products because he shops for them. He pays the mortgage. I pay utilities. This is what works for us. We don't argue about money. We don't argue about household duties. If the floors need to be swept, one of us will do it. If there are dishes in the sink, one of us will wash them. Our financial planner has us each contributing to investments, savings and retirement.

This is what works for us. It may not work for other women but that's not my business or my concern. My home is happy. That's all that matters to me.
 
LivingInPeace said:
I believe couples need to manage their duties in a way that makes them happy and maintains a functional household. I work and my husband works. We both take care of bills and it works for us. He is not a provider in the sense that he pays all the bills. That's fine for me at this point in my life. What he does provide is household maintenance. When something needs to be repaired he handles it. When we need a contractor, repairman etc., he handles it. He takes care of me in basic ways, like I never have to buy paper products because he shops for them. He pays the mortgage. I pay utilities. This is what works for us. We don't argue about money. We don't argue about household duties. If the floors need to be swept, one of us will do it. If there are dishes in the sink, one of us will wash them. Our financial planner has us each contributing to investments, savings and retirement.

This is what works for us. It may not work for other women but that's not my business or my concern. My home is happy. That's all that matters to me.
Click to expand...

My favorite post in this thread. Do what works for your household and everyone will be happy!
 
My definition of a husband "providing" is that the wife doesn't have to use money she's earned (or inherited etc.) to pay for anything, especially anything for the immediate family and household.

It doesn't mean a guy is a crumb bum if he can't do that, especially when young.
 
fluffyforever said:
A man who provides to me is one who takes care of problems without me nagging. He takes care of problems before I even know there is one. He is proactive in keeping our home safe, keeping our home fixed, and keeping it comfortable. A provider just helps in every way possible and gives me nothing to worry about because he will find a way. It's not just about money, because we pool money and we don't keep track of who's check pays which bills. Since I am working my extra income is going towards increasing our standard of living and paying off debt/ saving for retirement. When I have children and choose to be a SaHM for a while, well of course my definition of provider will depend more on his ability to finance our lives.

I'm sure everyone's definition will differ because our needs as women are different and our relationships are different.
Click to expand...

This post is the best ever!!!
 
It's relative. It's not going to mean the same thing for everyone because everyone is coming into their relationships with different resources. It depends on the woman's needs and desires, and what types of things they value.

One woman might really value a guy who is able to provide financial, while it may not be as much of an issue for the next woman. Another woman might value a man's ability to provide physical protection or brute strength, the next person might value emotional stability, etc.

People can be really rigid in their beliefs and don't understand that what they need isn't the same for the next person.
 
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