Ranting for no reason

[ambergirl]

I think so. Sorry you guys. I guess I need to put my blog posts back up. But I really do listen to each and every single one of you. I just keep going back and forth with options and where I truly am. Sorry if it offends you all.

Not offended just not going to bother any more

Cuz that wasn't shade, right?

Seriously. Have no idea why people seem to be tripping about age and singleness more these days. People bring it up even when it isn't relevant. Guarantee it has nothing to do with the people they think they're shading but their own ****.

 

[SelahOco]

My SO's mother is the opposite. She doesn't take his side. She mostly takes my side and get on his behind. But that conversation alone would make me want to drop SO fearing his whole family is too full of themselves and delusional. But I do agree discussing it with the family is a no no. Everyone I do that I end up in a very heated argument with SO

My mother was very objective with my brothers girlfriends. So, I assumed my MIL would be the same.

After about two years I learned that she was giving me advice that she would not follow or give her own daughters. My FIL and DH told me later that she told them she was not objective and I should have been seeking advice from other people.

Your future in-laws are out of line. You're not a slave and he's not the only prize.

Take a good look at your future dear heart. In many situations like this, it only gets worse. Kids complicate it further.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I will never understand asking us for advice every second Tuesday but then when we try to help, telling us how inadequate we are.

 

[MzLady78]

Maybe condescending to the ladies for which that was true but no that was not intended to be shade honestly.

That's just how I see it.

Other people's relationship statuses and levels of happiness are irrelevant.

YOU posted looking for feedback on YOUR situation and got it. No one came at you in any way that warranted that comment.

 

[CaraWalker]

I will never understand asking us for advice every second Tuesday but then when we try to help, telling us how inadequate we are.

im sure there are women in this thread who consistently date and/or married to men that are miles better than the guy shes with/aspires to be with. not everyone in this thread is 30+ and alone. but throw the baby out with the bath water i guess.

 

[chronicity]

I think I'm just petty. My friend was over. We were chilling in the master but it was late. My fiancé took a bath In The guest bathroom. I assumed that was code for we were in the master and did he feel uncomfortable so he went to the other. I asked him about it and he told me he wanted to respect my friend and didn't want to walk out with a tshirt on. I told him this is his house. He may take a bath anywhere he would like. If would have just spoken up and said I'm about to take a shower I would have gotten the point and we would have went back to another room. I told him I don't like the word pushover but I still feel like he is one.

I think it's unfair to judge him as a pushover when you and your friend were the ones being thoughtless of the time and his personal space. Who wants to get undressed around a non-intimate? And why require him to speak up for himself when a little sensitivity on your part could have alleviated the need for that?

You would have "gotten the point" if he had been more explicit, okay. But isn't it funny that you fault him for not "getting the point" without you being explicit?

It's clear that you don't see him as an equal. You don't respect how he chooses to handle conflict and you fault him for not being more like yourself. Regardless of if you're being petty or not, marriage with this guy sounds like a poor bet. If you plunge ahead with the wedding, do not blame him for the divorce!

 

[SelahOco]

My grandfather was old school like that - difference is he worked multiple jobs, house was paid off (here and back home in West Indies) and my grandmother wanted for nothing. He might squeeze that dollar before giving it to her but there were no red envelopes or hustling to make ends meet behind his back. His price for handling all of the business was he wanted to be catered to and my grandmother obliged.

My mom and her sisters saw this and decided they didn't want a man "telling them what to do" so they each married men that basically sat on their behinds while they did all the heavy lifting. There was a steep price for their "independence" and while my father and uncles grew up in homes and knew better why on earth would they change when the women in their lives were putting up with their mess??

Growing up I didn't know any better until I met other friends and saw how their parents relationships went. As much as my mom complained the reality is she knew who and what my father was long before they got married and she did it anyway. After years of blaming my dad it was hard to acknowledge that my mom was the sole author of her fate and long dry marriage.

I shared all that to say you are sounding very much like my mother right now. You can keep pressing forward or just stop and evaluate if what you say you want is what you really want because if it is there is NO reason on God's green earth for you to press forward.

Your fiance is not a bad man. He's been true to who he is from the start - lazy, irresponsible and unmotivated. The problem is you see who he is yet you want to keep making excuses about how he SHOULD be instead of accepting him as he is. He's been keeping it 100 - you are the fraud in this partnership.

If you are all about the things you claim then you shouldn't be dating him in the first place let alone checking off milestones (engagement, moving in, planning a wedding). Either you like to complain and nag or you are just scared and trying to save face.

If you are scared trust when I (& others) say its easier to walk away now then if you actually get married. Its not cute watching someone constantly belittle their man. It gets old. He has clearly over reached and eventually he will settle back to his level with some gum popping chick in the hood that thinks his **** doesn't stink and is fine with his mediocre credit. Meanwhile you'll be sitting there with your degrees and dusty eggs wondering why he did you wrong but in fact you're the one doing you wrong. Love yourself to put yourself out there and try again.

Seek counsel from people living the type of life that you want. If your daddy isn't, it then his opinion shouldn't matter. Clearly your fiances family has some warped values. Take heed.

I can't believe people thought this post was nasty. I was thinking the exact opposite while reading it.

Very thoughtful and thought provoking.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Other people's relationship statuses and levels of happiness are irrelevant.

YOU posted looking for feedback on YOUR situation and got it. No one came at you in any way that warranted that comment.

Y'all are taking that so out of context. Just because I say i don't want to be old and alone is wrong because it steps on the toes of many women who have given me advice or on this board. Maybe I should have omitted the "women on this board". But it's kinda true. I see a lot of people on this board who were too nitpicky and skipped over a lot of men that were suitable and then complain and search aimlessly for "flirty dating in forties fities sixties, using the Rules to find a man in your 30sm courting so I don't have to date so durn long and get married etc"

That and my problem are both problems but I honestly don't want to walk out on one "problem" and then be in another one. If ima still be not always happy. I'd rather stay where I am.

I guess I'm not just a risk taker anymore.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I can't believe people thought this post was nasty. I was thinking the exact opposite while reading it.

Very thoughtful and thought provoking.

I thought that post well well written and really insightful. I didn't think it was malicious all. Thank you OP.

 

[CaraWalker]

your man isnt suitable though for any woman who could do even a little better.

idk, im out this thread. youre in denial

 

[ambergirl]

I thought that post well well written and really insightful. I didn't think it was malicious all. Thank you OP.

So you needed to call out the so called old and alone but don't even recognize when someone is calling you an idiot. So done with you. You have the life you deserve.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I thought that post well well written and really insightful. I didn't think it was malicious all. Thank you OP.

Thank you for taking it in the spirit it was offered. I was certainly not calling you an idiot just sharing an objective point of what could happen if you're not paying attention to the signs around you.

Its easy to frame oneself as the victim if you're not aware of how the choices you made led you down to the conclusion you're living.

Someone else mentioned about extremes on LHCF with regards to my post. I know that most relationships/families live between the "traditional" household and the household my mom and her sisters created. I was sharing an example of how just because someone grew up in a certain way doesn't mean that they look to repeat it (& may very well go to the extreme opposite).

Please go back and re-read your posts. All of them. What you have mentioned are not minor or little things. It seems every time you start to reflect you then downplay what you want in order to justify staying.

Again - write out what you want in a man, in a family, with children etc. Then be honest and see how many check marks your fiance has. Marriage is hard enough when two people love and respect each other. The lack of respect is glaring (even if you don't see it).

I'd suggest postponing the wedding and going through some couple's counseling. Do the counseling so you can figure this out with a neutral party. If you decide to stay together then go ahead and plan the wedding but only if you see the changes you need (or learn how to communicate your wishes also). You almost sound defeated as if everything is a done deal but its not. You will never know what else is out there if you don't try.

Lastly don't be so pressed about getting married in your 20's. The friends that did that poorly are finally coming into themselves and are getting divorces now that the kids are headed to college. The goal should be marrying the right person no matter what age you are.

 

[Nayna]

To be fair I don't recall her asking for advice. It definitely said she was ranting. Also, it doesn't make sense to take it personally when someone doesn't follow your advice. I find that people do what they want to do either way. They just like hearing different opinions. There's nothing wrong with that. This thread has some good advice in it and even if she doesn't follow it I'm sure other people got something from it.

 

[PrissiSippi]

To be fair I don't recall her asking for advice. It definitely said she was ranting. Also, it doesn't make sense to take it personally when someone doesn't follow your advice. I find that people do what they want to do either way. They just like hearing different opinions. There's nothing wrong with that. This thread has some good advice in it and even if she doesn't follow it I'm sure other people got something from it.

ITA. And like I said earlier I really respect the ladies advise from here. If I didn't I would just continue to rant with my friends. Y'all have given a lot of good advice but to be honest it is a lot to swallow and think about. Life changing decisions or meditations even take time. My relationship journey or my views are not going to change overnight. I even know this will be a long journey for me. And I'm stubborn. I just need insight and just opinions to see my own self through.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

You've been really open about what you want, what you're afraid of, and why you're staying put. I think it's good to have that insight about yourself and your motivations.

I'll say again that this guy is not going to change, so if you truly feel that this is the best you can do and you plan to keep him, you really, really need to get over yourself and stop nagging, dissing, and trying to change him.

Your happiness is your choice. Married or single. I'm happy with my husband because I choose to be. Even though my DH is awesome, there are plenty of things that I could nitpick him about and make both of us miserable. And he could do the same to me.

Would I marry your fiance? Probably not, but you've managed to get this far with him so you must like something about him. Being totally honest, you sound like an unpleasant person and the way are handling your issues with him - putting him down and discussing it with his family - if he were on this board, we'd be telling him to dump you.

Basically what you're doing is hurting him and your relationship and setting your marriage up for failure. Either love him as is and be happy, or leave him alone. Don't keep him around because he's the only one who wants you and then treat him like crap and spend all your time telling anyone who will listen that he isn't good enough for you.

 

[Mane Event]

You've been really open about what you want, what you're afraid of, and why you're staying put. I think it's good to have that insight about yourself and your motivations.

I'll say again that this guy is not going to change, so if you truly feel that this is the best you can do and you plan to keep him, you really, really need to get over yourself and stop nagging, dissing, and trying to change him.

Your happiness is your choice. Married or single. I'm happy with my husband because I choose to be. Even though my DH is awesome, there are plenty of things that I could nitpick him about and make both of us miserable. And he could do the same to me.

Would I marry your fiance? Probably not, but you've managed to get this far with him so you must like something about him. Being totally honest, you sound like an unpleasant person and the way are handling your issues with him - putting him down and discussing it with his family - if he were on this board, we'd be telling him to dump you.

Basically what you're doing is hurting him and your relationship and setting your marriage up for failure. Either love him as is and be happy, or leave him alone. Don't keep him around because he's the only one who wants you and then treat him like crap and spend all your time telling anyone who will listen that he isn't good enough for you.

This all day!!!

 

[CarLiTa]

Oh man. You neither like nor respect him. Why are you marrying him? I feel bad for him to be getting married to someone who disdains him so much.

But given what you said about LHCF ladies... I've been wondering about this given your thread and a couple previous ones with a similar tone. We are now starting to see the effect that certain conversations on this board are having on some women. Some don't get the advice how it was intended. And probably many more carry some crippling fear of singleness. To the point that they're doing things that don't make sense.

I feel like we need to have a conversation about settling. Personally I think there are worst things in life than to settle, but there's probably such a thing about settling right. Isn't settling a choice one makes? Shouldn't it be? Because I don't understand *knowing* that you're settling and then being irrationally angry with the person about the very things you are settling on, and constantly belittling them for those things. You cannot make a choice to settle and then have the audacity to be pissed and self-conscious about it. Doesn't make sense. I'm curious to hear what others think about this.

So much man-bashing after the ring. Darling, you didn't *just* begin to settle. You settled at the very point you decided to let that relationship go past 3 months, six months. And you didn't settle right because you're acting like he pulled the wool over your eyes, when in fact you made the choice to continue a relationship with someone you're incompatible with and whom you don't respect.

 

[LiftedUp]

This thread is beginning to remind me of a question I posed on this board:

My question is, is it unrealistic to expect a smooth sailing courtship before marriage? I honestly do and I've unapologetically left men if they didn't meet my expectations because I believe that I deserve a great courtship. Is this realistic?

 

[nlamr2013]

^smooth sailing as in dude is perfect and yall have no issues? Nah baby lol there will definitely be some issues.(For example sharing space, cleanliness, boundaries etc) Not op style issues but there will be things you both have to work on.
Honestly, I'd rather hash that out before even getting to an engagement stage than being married and realizing that the issues you both have one or both of you is/are not willing to deal with for life.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

Issues, sure, but you can't just dislike the person from the start and all the whole time and then just set up shop and have babies. I mean you can, but your mileage may vary with that ****.

I'm starting to feel sorry for the guy tbh. OP doesn't like him but she ain't letting him go. Lol

 

[Mortons]

Looking from the outside in, you and he want different things out of a relationship. What he wants isnt a bad thing, what you want isnt a bad thing. You are simply poor choices for ONE ANOTHER, but likely good choices for someone else. However, you want to stay in and change him and he wants to stay in and get you to see his POV. Your trying to change him is only going to wear both of you down mentally and emotionally. But since neither of you cares about compatibility, this is neither here nor there.

If you are truly fine with accepting the reality of your situation just to ensure that you are not "single and miserable" then by all means go for it. But go for it with the understanding that you are simply not going to get what you want out of the marriage. You are going to get what you are being offered, so accepting that is a necessity.

I know many women who dislike their husbands TBH. Couples who are horrifically incompatible so you aint the only one willing to get married to have a husband :shrugs:

 

[Mortons]

I think I'm just petty. My friend was over. We were chilling in the master but it was late. My fiancé took a bath In The guest bathroom. I assumed that was code for we were in the master and did he feel uncomfortable so he went to the other. I asked him about it and he told me he wanted to respect my friend and didn't want to walk out with a tshirt on. I told him this is his house. He may take a bath anywhere he would like. If would have just spoken up and said I'm about to take a shower I would have gotten the point and we would have went back to another room. I told him I don't like the word pushover but I still feel like he is one.
.

You are definitely incredibly petty IMO. This man showed you and your friend respect and courtesy and you found it a problem. You say he gets to bath where he wants, however is decision to bath in the guest room wasn't the right choice? Girl what are you even talking about? Do you just look for stuff to get mad at him about on a regular basis?

 

[TayMac]

I would be curious to know your fiances perspective. It seems like he tries in some aspects but nothing is good enough...IDK

 

[MixedBerry]

I think sometimes, we as women, are afraid to let go of homeboy because we don't want the next woman to have the newly "perfectly corrected guy" that we put so much work in. We don't want anyone else to reap from our tears and sweat. We want to eat the fruits of our labors! Not give it away to someone else! So we wait. And wait. And wait. And wait for the "progress" to show itself because dammit I told him what I wanted and he should be giving it to me! So we wait and keep waiting because these apple trees belong to me! This is my fruit! I planted these trees and sowed the soil and watered and fertilized....

And that is one of the biggest reasons why women stay.

 

[firecracker]

OP it seems like you realize what your fears are and you are deathly afraid of being alone now and in the future with that being the case you should really work at learning to accept him for him. Accept that you are the Alpha and he is the Beta. That isn't a bad thing if you are the better manager of things that need to be handled. Stop looking at his ways as faults. Accept the differences in the both of you and find a way to stop nagging him about things so you guys can get on with whatever life you seek in the future.

Oh and contrary to what you see here some people have been married in their 20's or 30's and never want to marry again. Some folks never even wanted marriage in the first place if it comes with putting up with bs and settling out of fear of being alone. Men do not define all women nor does having one validate you as a woman. To each his own but I understand where you are coming from and why. Things will work out if you work on your thought process and tame your tongue while letting that boy be his own authentic self. Hell most of the stuff you complained about can be done by a housekeeper once a week and will save you both a headache along with free time.

 

[barbiesocialite]

OP it seems like you realize what your fears are and you are deathly afraid of being alone now and in the future with that being the case you should really work at learning to accept him for him. Accept that you are the Alpha and he is the Beta. That isn't a bad thing if you are the better manager of things that need to be handled. Stop looking at his ways as faults. Accept the differences in the both of you and find a way to stop nagging him about things so you guys can get on with whatever life you seek in the future.

Oh and contrary to what you see here some people have been married in their 20's or 30's and never want to marry again. Some folks never even wanted marriage in the first place if it comes with putting up with bs and settling out of fear of being alone. Men do not define all women nor does having one validate you as a woman. To each his own but I understand where you are coming from and why. Things will work out if you work on your thought process and tame your tongue while letting that boy be his own authentic self. Hell most of the stuff you complained about can be done by a housekeeper once a week and will save you both a headache along with free time.

During my time on LHCF as a lurker and as member I can think of a few women who marriages I've seen from the beginning to end: start, engagement, marriage, honeymoon, troubled waters and finally the end. Several of these women were in marriages most never thought these couples would breakup.

It goes to show everything that glitters isn't gold no matter how you dress up. Sometimes you start to believe your own lies. still a lie. The best thing any woman can do is just be honest about herself. What can YOU live with? it's YOUR life. FOREVER. then go from there......

 

[summertimewine]

...you sound like you just don't want to be single and that's no way to live life OP. You're stringing this man along for your own selfish needs and that's not a healthy relationship IMO

 

[PrissiSippi]

...you sound like you just don't want to be single and that's no way to live life OP. You're stringing this man along for your own selfish needs and that's not a healthy relationship IMO

It's. Not really that honestly. I really feel like this guy was who God put on earth to compliment me. He loves me unconditionally, very very patient, makes me be more in tune to my family and spend more time with, and is down for the cause for any dream I have. But it's like some kind of block I've hit. Things were going decent until I guess we really for serious three months in. I feel like I hit a plateau and it's not because of lack of interest. When I sit back at it I think it's like a coping mechanism. My dad and all my other relationships have been soooo weird slightly abusive.

I remember the first time my fiancé met my dad I was asking what should I do from here as a teacher. Lol my dad said nothing cuz I'm sorry and the whole family had hopes of me being a doctor but I ended up being a teacher (his profession). He said I could have gone to community college to do that. My fiancé looked so confused. I just smiled and brushed it off.

I'm kinda used to that. Now I don't have it. In science they claim abusive relationships are like a drug. Those type of interactions release dopamine in the blood. I think I lash out in my home cuz I don't have that anymore. It honestly scares men and I've just gotten unto the point I realize this but im stuck. Soo I nag. My stuff does have validity to it. But looking back on the bathroom incident or how I blew up about dinner etiquette are petty I must agree.

 

[carcajada]

lol I'm just still laughing to myself. I told them he needs to be told too much such as iron hsi clothes get a haircut and I have had to teach him how to dress. They told me I am wrong because he is a (insert last name boy) and he has alwways known how to dress he just has probably chosen not to.

BELIEVE THEM! I told you in your other threads that you are falling for the okie doke and this guy does stuff because he knows he can. He is not clueless. His own family is telling you this but you insist you know better? C'mon.

But they say the man will eventually respect u for keeping the house clean and years later they will change and start to help you. Lol they crazy who Finns wait 5 years.

But I did learn my lesson. To friends acquaintances and family how is your relationship? "Great!!! Never been happier!!!"

That's a lie out of the pits of hell! It makes them more selfish and lazier, not grateful. Trust.

And you don't have to over do it when people ask about your relationship just like you don't have to over share what's going on either. Just say fine and leave it at that.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

PrissiSippi, I get what you're saying and I'm sure it takes a lot to be that introspective and to share here.

In light of what you posted, maybe y'all can get individual and couple counseling I still feel the same way about kinda feeling sorry for him if he's in a relationship where nothing he does is good enough, but it doesn't sound like he is your issue. You owe it to yourself to get counsel from somebody other than us.

And let me just apologize for telling you multiple times to leave your fiance