Ranting for no reason

[God_Favor]

Things should not be this complicated and you shouldn't have to rant and rave about your man all the time. Believe it or not life doesn't have to be like this. Things should flow, of course there will be complications and bumps in the road but to be disgusted and angry with him all the time isn't healthy. You are just building more and more resentment. To the point you are bashing dude to his parents.

What he is lacking according to your standards seems to be the focus of this entire relationship , sure you throw the " but he is a good man" after the rants ,but that is really not a factor because your main focus is what this man is NOT, the beauty of what he is an after thought.

I am sure you are comfy with him and want to have a man in your life. And the starting all over is a very scary thought, but seriously think about this. Having to pretend you are happy isn't fair to him because he has to take the pain of living with an angry , bitter women.. Angry and bitter because you are with a man that does not live up to your standard of what a man should be.. This isn't fair to you or him. If you want more you deserve it. You should go after what will truly makes you happy. Good on paper doesn't mean its good for your soul.


And just think...if he is secretly just settling and just going through the motions too (eeekk!)... You guys would be setting yourselves up for miserable , toxic lives

Time for some real self-reflection and deep mediation.

Then you guys need to have a serious heart to heart free of all distractions

Decisions have to be made in this situation. Turmoil isn't healthy.

 

[firecracker]

I think OP should seek counseling simply for venting purposes and to find better coping mechanisms. None of us will ever truly understand her fears of being alone or dying a old maid. We have not had to walk in her shoes nor go through the treatment that she has for multiple reasons beyond her control. Even though it may seem as if she is settling she is basically working with what she's got because of her perceived options/pool of eligible suitors. It may not be the life we would like or envision but we don't have the same issues that OP has. Good luck with your impeding marriage OP.

 

[PhonyBaloney500]

This thread is long. So what's wrong with the guy aside from being sloppy and a bad dresser?

 

[ambergirl]

ITA with firecracker. Serious truth. Thank you

 

[Sasha299]

1. You are focusing on the surface issues to avoid facing what you know the real issues are. Your relationship will either continue to go through this drama until one of you (you or him) get fed up with it and leave.

2. whether or not you stay or go YOU need therapy to deal with your own issues. This is from reading your post about your family and relationship with your dad. This is affecting, and not positively, how you view him, your relationships and your future.

3. You do have control issues. If you REALLY believe this man is your soul mate WHY do you want to change him - either you accept him as he is or KIM.


Frank and harsh:
If I were him I'd run from you, from what you've posted in this thread alone. You knew how he dressed when you met him, you knew how he was before you shacked up with him - why are you trying to change who he is to fit your superficial idea of what a good man is? If he feels comfortable dressed like that going to work and he is successful why do you need to change him? Why does it bother you so much that you would complain about it? Do you see that you are being very disrespectful to him. You are showing him how much you DO NOT care about him in a way that a life mate must care. I see that unless he is disrespectful (relayed from your post about your communication with your father in front of him) to you, you don't appreciate it. I do feel like you are trying to re-create your family life with him. You need to address your emotional needs before you push him away. Its like nothing he does will ever meet your standards - you want to control how he dresses, how he acts, what he does.

A respectful life mate must
1. Accept their mate for who they are. You will NEVER change any person and if you became attracted to them how they were why would you want to change that?
2. It is never respectful to bring your internal issues outside to other people, esp people who know the 2 of you. Your "Ranting" to other people seems like you are trying to change the way others see him - to make him the bad person. NEVER good or respectful. If I found out that my husband was sharing our business with outside people there would be HELL to pay.
3. Understand that respect is essential. There are times that out of respect they must bite their tongue and walk away and there are time that out of that same respect they must stand up.
4. Always problem solve to compromise around issues that will cause drama in your life. Understand chores will never be 50/50. If he is not carrying what I feel is his end and I am overwhelmed or frustrated - that calls for a cleaner in the budget.
5. You are not his parent - there is no need to nag or try to make him do anything. The more you nag the more you get tuned out. If you ask once, you can remind once after 24 hours but after than - someone gets paid to do it. eg - fence needs painting, you discuss that week 1. There is time in the week to get it done but he does not make it a priority - week 2 you remind him. still does not get done and there is time to do it. Week 3 call local handyman get it done letting him know after the handyman starts. Admire the job well done and let it go. Next time, when you ask once. it gets done immediately - no nagging required.

 

[TopShelf]

I don't want to be 30-40 and miserable like a million of these LHCF ladies still tryna find a man (I'm just being honest).

So you'd rather be in your 20's and miserable trying to keep one?

To be fair I don't recall her asking for advice. It definitely said she was ranting.

if you don't want advice, don't post on a forum where people are able to respond to your "rant" because that's what's going to happen.

This thread is long. So what's wrong with the guy aside from being sloppy and a bad dresser?

OP is his fiance/girlfriend

 

[Naveah2050]

Looking from the outside in, you and he want different things out of a relationship. What he wants isnt a bad thing, what you want isnt a bad thing. You are simply poor choices for ONE ANOTHER, but likely good choices for someone else. However, you want to stay in and change him and he wants to stay in and get you to see his POV. Your trying to change him is only going to wear both of you down mentally and emotionally. But since neither of you cares about compatibility, this is neither here nor there.

If you are truly fine with accepting the reality of your situation just to ensure that you are not "single and miserable" then by all means go for it. But go for it with the understanding that you are simply not going to get what you want out of the marriage. You are going to get what you are being offered, so accepting that is a necessity.

I know many women who dislike their husbands TBH. Couples who are horrifically incompatible so you aint the only one willing to get married to have a husband :shrugs:

I know married couples that hate each other too and wonder how they ended up married... Why settle for someone you can't stand just to get a ring, what do you think will magically change after the wedding??

 

[Fine 4s]

I know married couples that hate each other too and wonder how they ended up married... Why settle for someone you can't stand just to get a ring, what do you think will magically change after the wedding??

That's why I am not against divorce. There it is.

 

[Duff]

You've been really open about what you want, what you're afraid of, and why you're staying put. I think it's good to have that insight about yourself and your motivations.

I'll say again that this guy is not going to change, so if you truly feel that this is the best you can do and you plan to keep him, you really, really need to get over yourself and stop nagging, dissing, and trying to change him.

Your happiness is your choice. Married or single. I'm happy with my husband because I choose to be. Even though my DH is awesome, there are plenty of things that I could nitpick him about and make both of us miserable. And he could do the same to me.

Would I marry your fiance? Probably not, but you've managed to get this far with him so you must like something about him. Being totally honest, you sound like an unpleasant person and the way are handling your issues with him - putting him down and discussing it with his family - if he were on this board, we'd be telling him to dump you.

Basically what you're doing is hurting him and your relationship and setting your marriage up for failure. Either love him as is and be happy, or leave him alone. Don't keep him around because he's the only one who wants you and then treat him like crap and spend all your time telling anyone who will listen that he isn't good enough for you.

Must quote again cause this is the Truth!

 

[Duff]

You are definitely incredibly petty IMO. This man showed you and your friend respect and courtesy and you found it a problem. You say he gets to bath where he wants, however is decision to bath in the guest room wasn't the right choice? Girl what are you even talking about? Do you just look for stuff to get mad at him about on a regular basis?

Exactly what I was thinking here...

 

[Mane Event]

You are definitely incredibly petty IMO. This man showed you and your friend respect and courtesy and you found it a problem. You say he gets to bath where he wants, however is decision to bath in the guest room wasn't the right choice? Girl what are you even talking about? Do you just look for stuff to get mad at him about on a regular basis?

Exactly what I was thinking here...

For whatever reason, this situation took me back to a Kordell, Porsha Mama/Pizza moment.

Op doesn't respect him and he isn't requiring it.
Cuz bay-bayyyyy.....It will be a cooooooldddddd day before DH started using guestroom amenities. Ain't no way!!!

 

[Naveah2050]

Y'all are taking that so out of context. Just because I say i don't want to be old and alone is wrong because it steps on the toes of many women who have given me advice or on this board. Maybe I should have omitted the "women on this board". But it's kinda true. I see a lot of people on this board who were too nitpicky and skipped over a lot of men that were suitable and then complain and search aimlessly for "flirty dating in forties fities sixties, using the Rules to find a man in your 30sm courting so I don't have to date so durn long and get married etc"

That and my problem are both problems but I honestly don't want to walk out on one "problem" and then be in another one. If ima still be not always happy. I'd rather stay where I am.

I guess I'm not just a risk taker anymore.

Girl....you are all kinds of wrong lmao..... Why are you coming here for advice and throwing shade to the people you are seeking advice from. Why would you sleek advice from such bitter people - honestly you seem the type of be miserable whoever you are with. The things you are complaining about are more to do with you and your attitude than this poor guy.

 

[Duff]

For whatever reason, this situation took me back to a Kordell, Porsha Mama/Pizza moment.

Op doesn't respect him and he isn't requiring it.
Cuz bay-bayyyyy.....It will be a cooooooldddddd day before DH started using guestroom amenities. Ain't no way!!!

I agree.
op's man is damed if he do cause it's not enough; and damed if he don't cause he lacks initiative. it seems like op is use to a certain type of man seeing how her father talks to her. and op please be mindful of going to your father for advice because his advice does not seem to be good for the psyche.

 

[DarkJoy]

Girl....you are all kinds of wrong lmao..... Why are you coming here for advice and throwing shade to the people you are seeking advice from. Why would you sleek advice from such bitter people - honestly you seem the type of be miserable whoever you are with. The things you are complaining about are more to do with you and your attitude than this poor guy.

Wooooow. If its not this man its gonna be thr next.

Narry a "thanks for taking precious time out of your lives to offer a stranger advice based on your life experiences"

Instead its, "whatever. Most of yalls lives suck. Im gonna get into what yall see as failing just to avoid your sitch"

See you in 3 years OP when you're crowing about divorce court and being single again in your 30s.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Wooooow. If its not this man its gonna be thr next. Narry a "thanks for taking precious time out of your lives to offer a stranger advice based on your life experiences" Instead its, "whatever. Most of yalls lives suck. Im gonna get into what yall see as failing just to avoid your sitch" See you in 3 years OP when you're crowing about divorce court and being single again in your 30s.

Lol u are sooo catty. Throwing stones to get me to react. Have several seats and a stretcher. First I didn't ask for advice. The thread reads this is a rant. Secondly, I have given thanks to many for their insightful advice individually and by hitting that thanx button but I will not say thanks to people like you that try to give "advice" and then do the same thing by attacking me just for the heck of it.

To the other ladies that kept it real with me again I appreciate you and Thank you for your perspective. I really do. To many of y'all you have said what I needed to hear or just so'e thoughts I need to gain my own perspective about. I appreciate it.

 

[DarkJoy]

Lol u are sooo catty. Throwing stones to get me to react. Have several seats and a stretcher. First I didn't ask for advice. The thread reads this is a rant. Secondly, I have given thanks to many for their insightful advice individually and by hitting that thanx button but I will not say thanks to people like you that try to give "advice" and then do the same thing by attacking me just for the heck of it.

To the other ladies that kept it real with me again I appreciate you and Thank you for your perspective. I really do. To many of y'all you have said what I needed to hear or just so'e thoughts I need to gain my own perspective about. I appreciate it.

Read the quoted miss catty cat. Were you not the one basically trashing folks helping you? I gave honest advice before you turned on the crowd.

Have some seats. And learn some humility.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Read the quoted miss catty cat. Were you not the one basically trashing folks helping you? I gave honest advice before you turned on the crowd. Have some seats. And learn some humility.

I'm not trashing anyone. What I said is that I don't intend to dump a guy that has done nothing wrong by me except little nitpicky things. I'm looking for ways to correct my thinking and enhance my relationship. I'm not perfect myself. Read over the threads. Every time ladies in this forum ask for advice 2/3 of the ladies say girl leave him. I think some are warranted but some dump guys too soon looking for Mr. Right. I don't intend to skip over guy after guy for little things intending to find Mr Infatuation or Mr Perfect who might not exist and be in my 40s and 50s wishing what if or alone. That's my personal opinion and personal wants. I'm not saying life is over if I were in that position but it's just not the life I want. If it steps on the toes of others are snubs you the wrong way I'm sorry but this is just my honest perspective and I am entitled to such.

The definition of humility is as follows: the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people : the quality or state of being humble.

Now I have never put forth the facade that I am better than anyone. Especially not because of a relationship status but I have said what I want for ME. It may be an unpopular opinion and it may come off crass to others but you would have to go deeper than a mere post to know my personality and I understand me.

 

[Farida]

OP, we wrote you dissertations on your other thread where you were asking if you had cold feet or legitimate concerns.

This man is the wrong choice. I am convinced though that you will stay with him. You will keep complaining to your fiends, pastor, in-laws and this board and marry him anyway.

You invested too much, too fast into this relationship, IMO and now it is too hard for you to leave. it's not too late though...

I say this with much love.