Ranting for no reason

So basically his wack mammy is saying he is the catch and you are supposedly not? Uh NOOOOOOO. He should be paying all the bills and you doing everything you have been doing in and around the house. You should think really hard about marrying this fella. You deserve better and more consideration imo.
 
PrissiSippi said:
lol I'm just still laughing to myself. I told them he needs to be told too much such as iron hsi clothes get a haircut and I have had to teach him how to dress. They told me I am wrong because he is a (insert last name boy) and he has alwways known how to dress he just has probably chosen not to.

Yeah Yeah.

When I met him he was wearing too little shirts jeans and three year old Vans to work saying that was business casual. looool Stooooop it. That clean cut, polo wearing, banana republic shopping, creed smelling, debonair man with style.... I made that.

^^Yall don't listen to me. I'm on my Kanye west rant now. But I can't bring it up to my fiance cuz I truly brought that convo on myself but the whole convo just annoyed me. It's like yes let him be a man and do nothing and you do everything even though both of you work because HE IS A MAN and that is just the way things go
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Girl sounds like a life I once knew..
 
i would be so putt-off by what big momma said--it appears it has been taught to him that he is some kinda king--which we clearly see he is not and that is why he probably doesn't do much...

his momma is a huge NO....i can see where he gets it from

i will say at least you've been exposed to all of this prior to marriage---OP I'm sure you will do what works best for you but you are def going in eyes wide open!
 
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My grandfather was old school like that - difference is he worked multiple jobs, house was paid off (here and back home in West Indies) and my grandmother wanted for nothing. He might squeeze that dollar before giving it to her but there were no red envelopes or hustling to make ends meet behind his back. His price for handling all of the business was he wanted to be catered to and my grandmother obliged.

My mom and her sisters saw this and decided they didn't want a man "telling them what to do" so they each married men that basically sat on their behinds while they did all the heavy lifting. There was a steep price for their "independence" and while my father and uncles grew up in homes and knew better why on earth would they change when the women in their lives were putting up with their mess??

Growing up I didn't know any better until I met other friends and saw how their parents relationships went. As much as my mom complained the reality is she knew who and what my father was long before they got married and she did it anyway. After years of blaming my dad it was hard to acknowledge that my mom was the sole author of her fate and long dry marriage.

I shared all that to say you are sounding very much like my mother right now. You can keep pressing forward or just stop and evaluate if what you say you want is what you really want because if it is there is NO reason on God's green earth for you to press forward.

Your fiance is not a bad man. He's been true to who he is from the start - lazy, irresponsible and unmotivated. The problem is you see who he is yet you want to keep making excuses about how he SHOULD be instead of accepting him as he is. He's been keeping it 100 - you are the fraud in this partnership.

If you are all about the things you claim then you shouldn't be dating him in the first place let alone checking off milestones (engagement, moving in, planning a wedding). Either you like to complain and nag or you are just scared and trying to save face.

If you are scared trust when I (& others) say its easier to walk away now then if you actually get married. Its not cute watching someone constantly belittle their man. It gets old. He has clearly over reached and eventually he will settle back to his level with some gum popping chick in the hood that thinks his **** doesn't stink and is fine with his mediocre credit. Meanwhile you'll be sitting there with your degrees and dusty eggs wondering why he did you wrong but in fact you're the one doing you wrong. Love yourself to put yourself out there and try again.

Seek counsel from people living the type of life that you want. If your daddy isn't, it then his opinion shouldn't matter. Clearly your fiances family has some warped values. Take heed.
 
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bklynbornNbred said:
My grandfather was old school like that - difference is he worked multiple jobs, house was paid off (here and back home in West Indies) and my grandmother wanted for nothing. He might squeeze that dollar before giving it to her but there were no red envelopes or hustling to make ends meet behind his back. His price for handling all of the business was he wanted to be catered to and my grandmother obliged. My mom and her sisters saw this and decided they didn't want a man "telling them what to do" so they each married men that basically sat on their behinds while they did all the heavy lifting. There was a steep price for their "independence" and while my father and uncles grew up in homes and knew better why on earth would they change when the women in their lives were putting up with their mess?? Growing up I didn't know any better until I met other friends and saw how their parents relationships went. As much as my mom complained the reality is she knew who and what my father was long before they got married and she did it anyway. After years of blaming my dad it was hard to acknowledge that my mom was the sole author of her fate and long dry marriage. I shared all that to say you are sounding very much like my mother right now. You can keep pressing forward or just stop and evaluate if what you say you want is what you really want because if it is there is NO reason on God's green earth for you to press forward. Your fiance is not a bad man. He's been true to who he is from the start - lazy, irresponsible and unmotivated. The problem is you see who he is yet you want to keep making excuses about how he SHOULD be instead of accepting him as he is. He's been keeping it 100 - you are the fraud in this partnership. If you are all about the things you claim then you shouldn't be dating him in the first place let alone checking off milestones (engagement, moving in, planning a wedding). Either you like to complain and nag or you are just scared and trying to save face. If you are scared trust when I (& others) say its easier to walk away now then if you actually get married. Its not cute watching someone constantly belittle their man. It gets old. He has clearly over reached and eventually he will settle back to his level with some gum popping chick in the hood that thinks his **** doesn't stink and is fine with his mediocre credit. Meanwhile you'll be sitting there with your degrees and dusty eggs wondering why he did you wrong but in fact you're the one doing you wrong. Love yourself to put yourself out there and try again. Seek counsel from people living the type of life that you want. If your daddy isn't, it then his opinion shouldn't matter. Clearly your fiances family has some warped values. Take heed.
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omg the weight of all this TRUTH. maam you laid it BARE.
 
bklynbornNbred said:
My grandfather was old school like that - difference is he worked multiple jobs, house was paid off (here and back home in West Indies) and my grandmother wanted for nothing. He might squeeze that dollar before giving it to her but there were no red envelopes or hustling to make ends meet behind his back. His price for handling all of the business was he wanted to be catered to and my grandmother obliged. My mom and her sisters saw this and decided they didn't want a man "telling them what to do" so they each married men that basically sat on their behinds while they did all the heavy lifting. There was a steep price for their "independence" and while my father and uncles grew up in homes and knew better why on earth would they change when the women in their lives were putting up with their mess?? Growing up I didn't know any better until I met other friends and saw how their parents relationships went. As much as my mom complained the reality is she knew who and what my father was long before they got married and she did it anyway. After years of blaming my dad it was hard to acknowledge that my mom was the sole author of her fate and long dry marriage. I shared all that to say you are sounding very much like my mother right now. You can keep pressing forward or just stop and evaluate if what you say you want is what you really want because if it is there is NO reason on God's green earth for you to press forward. Your fiance is not a bad man. He's been true to who he is from the start - lazy, irresponsible and unmotivated. The problem is you see who he is yet you want to keep making excuses about how he SHOULD be instead of accepting him as he is. He's been keeping it 100 - you are the fraud in this partnership. If you are all about the things you claim then you shouldn't be dating him in the first place let alone checking off milestones (engagement, moving in, planning a wedding). Either you like to complain and nag or you are just scared and trying to save face. If you are scared trust when I (& others) say its easier to walk away now then if you actually get married. Its not cute watching someone constantly belittle their man. It gets old. He has clearly over reached and eventually he will settle back to his level with some gum popping chick in the hood that thinks his **** doesn't stink and is fine with his mediocre credit. Meanwhile you'll be sitting there with your degrees and dusty eggs wondering why he did you wrong but in fact you're the one doing you wrong. Love yourself to put yourself out there and try again. Seek counsel from people living the type of life that you want. If your daddy isn't, it then his opinion shouldn't matter. Clearly your fiances family has some warped values. Take heed.
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So unnecessarily nasty.

OP You need to either accept your man as is or move on. No need for the rest of this post.

I also would stop posting about your relationship.
 
I thought this sounded familiar. I know it's a rant but it seemed like something I just recently read from OP.
 
I'm sure you've received good advice already but I wanted to add my :2cent:
You cannot change that man at all. He may change he may not but you marry someone for who they are now and realize that they will not always be this person but it's who they are now. Before you get married ask yourself if I had to live with this man just as he is right now at this moment for the rest of my life would that be ok. In the op you have already stated it wouldn't be. Have you spoken to him about your feelings?


Aand no its not too much if you work and he works to expect him to help with chores. That's always interesting to me when dudes expect their spouse to work as well as tend the home. Like, and your purpose is???
 
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faithVA said:
I thought this sounded familiar. I know it's a rant but it seemed like something I just recently read from OP.
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I saw this and went to look. Op girl lol why are you doing this to yourself? I would NEVER suggest you leave your dude because this isn't my place but I agree with broooklynbred or whatever her sn is (sorry) you seem to want to stay to 'save face' because it has been so b long and everyone has met him and I'm sure it's comfortable but yall don't seem equally yoked l, at all. I think I wrote the same thing last time but yall need to hash somethings out if your wedding is in less than a year especially before you lose those deposits on wedding stuff.
 
ambergirl said:
So unnecessarily nasty.

OP You need to either accept your man as is or move on. No need for the rest of this post.

I also would stop posting about your relationship.
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I don't think her post was mean-spirited or ill-intentioned.

It was just honest.

I appreciate the candor. Most of the previous posts in this thread have been redundant and very PC.

bklynbornNbred's post is probably the most useful, applicable and realistic real-life response thus far. It wasn't judgmental or attacking, more like keep it real with the cold ugly--yet honest--truth the way people do with close girlfriends IRL. TBH, my post was very filtered, PC and watered-down. My truthful response IRL is a lot frank and direct similar to kb's and the MIL.

Op doesn't seem like she's looking for validation, more like ways to gain clarity to help her decide what she thinks.OP has clearly felt comfortable enough to express her concerns thus far. For concerns as serious as marriage most people want to the most honest responses for their concerns. So even if OP or others don't agree bklyn brought up some things that are important and should be considered for the situation. So instead of the same ole polite rehash of whats been said 50-11 times over n over this is a new fresh perspective to think about. And based on the sudden surge of issues OP appears to been experiencing as late, I guarantee some of those issues will come up eventually. prob sooner rather than later. The invitations are practically in the mail, now is not the time for polite kid-glove discussion.

To keep it one hunned, if you're this apprehensive or confused at this point, uncomfortable or not, now is not the time for defensiveness or sensitivity. Best to get it raw. Then make your own decision accordingly. As stated repeatedly in this thread, it's easier to break off an engagement than to go through a divorce. Better to hear it all now BEFORE while the decision than going through it LATER when you're stuck in a situation you can't as easily get out of. :yep:
 
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barbiesocialite said:
I don't think her post was mean-spirited or ill-intentioned.

It was just honest.

I appreciate the candor. Most of the previous posts in this thread have been redundant and very PC.

bklynbornNbred's post is probably the most useful, applicable and realistic real-life response thus far. It wasn't judgmental or attacking, more like keep it real with the cold ugly--yet honest--truth the way people do with close girlfriends IRL. TBH, my post was very filtered, PC and watered-down. My truthful response IRL is a lot frank and direct similar to kb's and the MIL.

Op doesn't seem like she's looking for validation, more like ways to gain clarity to help her decide what she thinks.OP has clearly felt comfortable enough to express her concerns thus far. For concerns as serious as marriage most people want to the most honest responses for their concerns. So even if OP or others don't agree bklyn brought up some things that are important and should be considered for the situation. So instead of the same ole polite rehash of whats been said 50-11 times over n over this is a new fresh perspective to think about. And based on the sudden surge of issues OP appears to been experiencing as late, I guarantee some of those issues will come up eventually. prob sooner rather than later. The invitations are practically in the mail, now is not the time for polite kid-glove discussion.

To keep it one hunned, if you're this apprehensive or confused at this point, uncomfortable or not, now is not the time for defensiveness or sensitivity. Best to get it raw. Then make your own decision accordingly. As stated repeatedly in this thread, it's easier to break off an engagement than to go through a divorce. Better to hear it all now BEFORE while the decision than going through it LATER when you're stuck in a situation you can't as easily get out of. :yep:
Click to expand...


Well I did. All of that could have been said as you have here. No need for theatrics which people confuse with keeping it "one hunned". That's just me.
 
slightly off topic: it might just be me, and im probably a poor choice to express this opinion, but i really dont believe people get the same point when its said nicely. people are much more receptive to harsh realities, i think. probably because people care what people think. if youre nice about it they may think what they're doing is not that bad. but if they know people disapprove they are more likely to make a change.

super off topic/not related at all: i was also told by a guy i know irl that i have a "super cynical side that only comes out when we chat online" so that was very helpful when i think about perception on this forum. which is why i find it hard to understand why people here think im so freaking mean and harsh when i dont get that at all irl. useful to know.
 
*sighs* This story reminds me of me (although my fiance, now husband had a different set of challenges--at least in my mind)

Before I start my rant, let me preface --I will not suggest staying or leaving but if you want things to improve, please proceed--
( I write this b/c it sounds like you love this man for some reason and don't want to necessarily break things off)


What I realized early on (after being upset on numerous occasions) is the moment we got engaged, I was adamant about creating a mini-me (or big-me). I wanted everything done MY way and when he didn't fall in line..I was convinced that he was "losing" in those areas. I would fuss, vent, argue, etc and he stayed losing


Like another poster put he's staying true to who HE is. Your strengths aren't necessarily his strengths. I am by no means making excuses for him...it is what it is! You have to accept that or move on to someone more like you!


ANywho, for the most part most men LOVE to see their fiances/wives happy and do whatever it takes (within reason) with the right kind of motivation.
Although he won't radically change his core being, with the right kind of grace/influence he can get better at the things you want him to (in HIS own way, not your way) because he respects you and wants to see you HAPPY!


If you take a masculine stance of taking authority, men will generally either fight or unplug and become passive and let you take over. There's no sense in him being a man when he has you.

Meanwhile, you will find yourself consistently fussing, screaming, yelling and being disappointed. He has no reason to try to make you happy because he's too busy protecting himself from your criticism, bossing him around, arguing, complaining, etc.

I believe woman have so much POWER in relationships and we can turn them into an all out war zone and it's every man for himself.

When a wife tries to act like the authority and leader, that repels her husband and she pays the price by losing out on emotional/spiritual/physical intimacy with him. And, even worse, when she expects him to submit to her, she is asking him to emasculate himself and take on a wife’s position of biblical submission in marriage. That is not God’s design. It is actually a good thing that our husbands don’t cooperate with us when we try to take over – it shows that they have backbone and that God designed them to be the leaders in the marriage. If they did everything we told them to do and catered to our every demand, we would actually respect our men LESS, not more. I’m not sure we realize that. But that is exactly what happens when a wife is very strong and dominant and the husband does decide to submit to her. We lose all respect for our husbands and they lose respect for themselves. Then everyone loses.
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^^If you decide to marry this man, I suggest you strongly consider the aforementioned (and I'm really not trying to preachy at all...but changing my perspective/approach has helped me a great deal)

His family is a whole different topic. They need to stay out your business and you need to keep them out! Point.Blank.Period.
 
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bunnycolvin said:
slightly off topic: it might just be me, and im probably a poor choice to express this opinion, but i really dont believe people get the same point when its said nicely. people are much more receptive to harsh realities, i think. probably because people care what people think. if youre nice about it they may think what they're doing is not that bad. but if they know people disapprove they are more likely to make a change.

super off topic/not related at all: i was also told by a guy i know irl that i have a "super cynical side that only comes out when we chat online" so that was very helpful when i think about perception on this forum. which is why i find it hard to understand why people here think im so freaking mean and harsh when i dont get that at all irl. useful to know.
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:yep:

I can say that I'm fairly intuitive in that I'm always mindful of who I'm talking to. It's reflexive for me to consider the audience. HOWEVER, I'm always me. ME = no filter. FACT. The little filter I do have is on LHCF. And if you prob asked most people about my delivery compared to the avg person the verdict would most likely be the same: I have no filter. :lol:

At the same time, no filter is probably why my loved ones ask for my advice so much. While some women meddle, nag or go out of their way to start a convo or give their two cents. Sometimes its disingenuous or messy in intent. Personally I rarely give unsolicited opinions without being solicited to do so (that's why I hate being tagged on social media and have 50-11 posts but can count on one hand the number of threads I've started in my 7 years on LHCF lol). I do me as my rule for living. lol Nonetheless, despite my extreme self-absorption and abundance of unpopular personal opinions there must be a reason why I'm often the first person my family and friends often seek for advice. young, old, male or female. I'm usually wondering why they are bothering me with their bs.:look: But evidently they want to know and feel they can trust what I have to say in all it's ratchetness more than the "nice" polite PC people they could have asked instead. :yep: <----I've been threatening to charge folks lately for their questions. :lol:


Fact is, you can't control other people. Why would anyone ever start a thread with a bunch of strangers w/o expecting a full range of opinions. Some you may not like. If you dont want to hear it, you shouldnt have asked. I personally wouldnt/dont ask for that very reason. :look:
 
bklynbornNbred said:
My mom and her sisters saw this and decided they didn't want a man "telling them what to do" so they each married men that basically sat on their behinds while they did all the heavy lifting. There was a steep price for their "independence" and while my father and uncles grew up in homes and knew better why on earth would they change when the women in their lives were putting up with their mess??
Click to expand...

Between the two extremes (alpha male type-A personalities and loser do-nothing bums) is where most men (and women) reside, and so it's crazy to believe that independence necessitates that kind of tradeoff. A woman can have a relationship where she is treated like an equal partner--not a child or a servant--and still have a spouse who is competent and capable.

I have no opinion on the OP's guy, because I don't know him and for all I know, he could be a great person despite his imperfections. What sticks out is the OP's contempt for him. Relationship prognosis is always poor when contempt is present.
 
chronicity said:
Between the two extremes (alpha male type-A personalities and loser do-nothing bums) is where most men (and women) reside, and so it's crazy to believe that independence necessitates that kind of tradeoff. A woman can have a relationship where she is treated like an equal partner--not a child or a servant--and still have a spouse who is competent and capable.

I have no opinion on the OP's guy, because I don't know him and for all I know, he could be a great person despite his imperfections. What sticks out is the OP's contempt for him. Relationship prognosis is always poor when contempt is present.
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I don't get the extremes and I do find it weird it's so prevalent on this board. I'm kinda getting back into posting here so the tone may have changed lol.

Not to hijack but my parents had a traditional marriage I guess. They met in college but my Mom chose to not have a career. She definitely was queen of the house but my Dad was not a tyrant nor lazy. She respected him as the leader, but she had a VERY loud voice :lol: too.

She even controlled the finances. I asked my Dad why he "allowed" her to do that and he stated very plainly that he trusted her and he didn't want to be bothered with the details of that "stuff"

Most of the household chores fell on my mom(my dad did a lot of yard work) but it wasn't portrayed as a "woman's duty" just a division of labor. He worked and it only made sense to keep the house in order. :drunk:
 
^My older sister has a traditional marriage too. She spent most of their marriage as a SAHM while he has been the primary breadwinner. But despite this, my sister complains that her husband is weak, juvenile and expects her to call all the shots. She has to tell him to empty the garbage or else it won't get done, and if a problem pops up, he looks to her to figure it out.

My parents are more of a mixed bag. Dad has a type-A dominant personality, but my mom is independent and had a career until she retired last year. He likes to feel like the king, but he doesn't boss her around or expect that anyone cater to him just because he has a penis. They treat each other like partners. If the garbage needs emptying he takes it out without any prompting. If a problem pops up, he will usually fix it on the spot or he will propose solutions to my mom. She will follow his lead when he seems particularly insistent.

My bf is neither a type-A or a man-child (thank God). He's in the middle. Sometimes I'm the leader and sometimes he's the leader. But most of the time, we share power and control. He takes the garbage out before I even notice it needs emptying. If a problem pops up, we talk through the issue together. He doesn't need to feel like a king (except in bed, lol). This works for me because of I inherited characteristics from both of my parents, so leading and following both come naturally to me.
 
In traditional marriages the man provides a roof and trimmings weather that woman stayed in the home or went to work. Non-traditional could mean just about anything but I know one thing if folks go half they are usually expected to do half the work in the home or somebody gon be pissed! LOL Like what we see here. To each his own.
 
I would normally never say this, but I don't think you should marry him.


I don't even think he's a bad guy for the right woman, but you want more and you can do better. Its negligent to advise a stranger to have discord with a partner, however :look: you have never liked him :look: I feel like we know each other well enough at this point (you don't know me, but I know your struggle with this man). Seriously. Don't do it; reconsider.

And his family would have turned me all. The. Way. Off. But, again, some woman will love them. And you will see her with him 10 years from now while walking with your husband, and you will wish them well.

Run!

Unless you really do love him and won't mind the strong possibility of divorce looming ahead. That's my disclaimer, hell.
 
I said I would never bring up that convo with my fiancé. But some kind of way it came up and i just don't even know how it came up besides the fact it annoyed me so much. I always want us to have a light conversation and it ends up always being soooo heavy. I told him earlier I appreciate how much he's been trying. He has done a lot around the house and it really shows. He's really trying.


I think I'm just petty. My friend was over. We were chilling in the master but it was late. My fiancé took a bath In The guest bathroom. I assumed that was code for we were in the master and did he feel uncomfortable so he went to the other. I asked him about it and he told me he wanted to respect my friend and didn't want to walk out with a tshirt on. I told him this is his house. He may take a bath anywhere he would like. If would have just spoken up and said I'm about to take a shower I would have gotten the point and we would have went back to another room. I told him I don't like the word pushover but I still feel like he is one.

But then I told him I was always confused and trying to figure out what my "core needs" were. Durn LHCF for you. I told him I felt attacked at his mother's house but I handle my own well in situations like that so I wasn't mad. He told me that it sounded like I was bashing him. I told him I watched him the entire time as his family "went in" on me and I said Priss this is your life love. You will always have to fight your own battles and if someone comes for you, you will have to be strong and say what's on your mind/ know when to solve the situation/ etc cuz your man will not.

He told me his sister was trying to explain that it's the way you say things. But I told him that besting around the bush doesn't work for him. He's the type that even if I fix his food and tell him to take it to work the next day. Unless I wake up early that morning and say don't forget your food....he forgets it. Even if I lay the trash right next to the door he walks out of for work, he will forget absent-mindedly forget it. Soooo if I tell him nicely to put up his clothes and like his sister said (wait for him to do it on his own time) it won't get done because cleaning is not on his priority list. He has to be reminded or I have to say let's do this together for him to do it.

I absolutely have NEVER been in a relationship where I complain this much. Not even nuccas that cheated. But sad to say I was cool with who they were more than the little things that's wrong with my fiancé now. He's consistent loyal smart thinks ahead and considerate but it's like I feel like that's not good enough for me either.

I honestly feel like I have my head up in the sky. Like my ish smells like roses. I believe I deserve more. BUT I have doubts I could find another that has these characteristics that I want. And to be honest those guys that have it all together they have NEVER wanted me. Friends yes, but companionship? Either they look for a dumb cute chick or a white girl.

I don't want to be 30-40 and miserable like a million of these LHCF ladies still tryna find a man (I'm just being honest). I want my married life and I want it now. But it's sooo not happening like this. I'm bout miserable now. Ugh I am hating my twenties. And the people saying leave. It is soooo not that easy when you have been with someone for 2.5 years. Or at least not for me. Especially when it's nothing major wrong. It's not about saving face....this is just my life now. It's all I know.
 
This may be the best you can and will do in the relationship department. It is what it is. But recognize it for it is and stop all the nagging and complaining. That makes for a miserable existence.
 
ambergirl said:
Seriously. Seems to me LHCF is just some place where she dumps her stream of consciousness thinking and not a conversation. No need to keep posting.
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I think so. Sorry you guys. I guess I need to put my blog posts back up. But I really do listen to each and every single one of you. I just keep going back and forth with options and where I truly am. Sorry if it offends you all.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
This may be the best you can and will do in the relationship department. It is what it is. But recognize it for it is and stop all the nagging and complaining. That makes for a miserable existence.
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:yep:

this is the equivalent of complaining about a job for years but never looking for a better one. hey, at least you got a "job," right?
 
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