I Paid Bfs Rent And Bills To Improve His Credit Score. He Buys A House Without Telling Me!

[ClassyJSP]

First off,

No.

No to paying your man's bills for 3+ months, No to looking at houses together and he's not paying his own bills, No to you going to look at houses without me and then I'll look once you find one you like and then you want me to pay the bills on something you picked out?

And you're unemployed?

No

 

[Ganjababy]

I would prefer to be without penis for the rest of my life if that was the only kind of men available to me.

 

[THicknLong]

SAY WHAT NOW?!?!?.. Umm is she black??. Please say no black woman harmed!! I need to reach out to him, and found out how he got her to pay his bills. Maybe I can have someone do mine so I can payoff some credit cards in 3 months.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I hate to think this way but I think women need to consider the real possibility that they will be alone and supplement their lives with more interaction with family, friends, and maintenance men.

What normally ends up happening is these 'fulfilled women' catching feelings with the maintenance men and then you get the scenario in the OP.

It is unnatural for women to go without intimate companionship. All the interaction with family and friends in the world won't be able to fulfill that need because at some point, family and friends will be going back to their own intimate relationships which these women will not be apart of. Third wheel syndrome is real. It's terrible that this has to be something to contemplate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The woman in the OP was foolish because she obviously follows the contemporary advice that you do the same things financially with a boyfriend as you would a husband and look where it got her. It would be great if dudes would just be honorable when they enter into relationships but it's entirely too much to ask for people to relinquish ain't tendencies.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

What normally ends up happening is these 'fulfilled women' catching feelings with the maintenance men and then you get the scenario in the OP.

I'm sure you're right. I was thinking about what women can do to protect themselves and all I got is to keep your money to yourself. This relationship would've eventually ended when he got tired of her. She probably would've seen his true colors sooner if she never gave him any money.

Ideally she would've found a better man but that's a different conversation altogether.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I'm sure you're right. I was thinking about what women can do to protect themselves and all I got is to keep your money to yourself. This relationship would've eventually ended when he got tired of her. She probably would've seen his true colors sooner if she never gave him any money.

Ideally she would've found a better man but that's a different conversation altogether.

That's the kicker though. The market is flooded with ain't men.

 

[Chrismiss]

Marriage isn't the magic solution to this situation. I'm watching a couple's marriage crumble on Facebook right now because he married her to improve his situation. They are throwing jabs at each other for all of the world to see. Smh.

 

[hopeful]

I'm sure you're right. I was thinking about what women can do to protect themselves and all I got is to keep your money to yourself. This relationship would've eventually ended when he got tired of her. She probably would've seen his true colors sooner if she never gave him any money.

Ideally she would've found a better man but that's a different conversation altogether.

I think the best thing is to have a no loan policy. Don’t treat adults like they are a project or your children. Now sure I get that men get with women who have less all of the time, but generally speaking this doesn’t work with men. And to me it’s fine if a man makes less or isn’t as well off BUT that is different from helping a man pay off his bills. Just no no no, don’t do it. But women become so desperate for any type of attention or companionship and here you go. And women will continue to fall for this again and again.

And you know what? I “loaned” a married girlfriend some money awhile back. She paid me back less than half and I ain’t heard from her since. I am never ever loaning money again to a married (or coupled) friend ever again. Adding that to my list.

I’m going back to my no loan policy which entailed me only helping out those I wanted to. Just give it to them (and only if I really wanted to) and keep it pushing. I am not a bank or an ATM and I’m not letting anyone do that to me again. For the most part only helping out my kids and the older they get the less I’m doing that.

 

[hopeful]

Marriage isn't the magic solution to this situation. I'm watching a couple's marriage crumble on Facebook right now because he married her to improve his situation. They are throwing jabs at each other for all of the world to see. Smh.

Right. Then she’d just be married to a bum that would try to take half of her 401k and bank accounts. This guy was a user.

 

[hopeful]

...
It is unnatural for women to go without intimate companionship. All the interaction with family and friends in the world won't be able to fulfill that need because at some point, family and friends will be going back to their own intimate relationships which these women will not be apart of. Third wheel syndrome is real.
...

I agree. The answer is not to forgo romantic intimacy forever. Nor is it to latch onto a bum. Women have to figure this out for themselves, figure out how to be happily alone for some periods and figure out how to have a good partner for periods as well. It will look different for different people. But this Mary J. Blige/Jill Scott/ and this woman here stuff is not the path.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I agree. The answer is not to forgo romantic intimacy forever. Nor is it to latch onto a bum. Women have to figure this out for themselves, figure out how to be happily alone for some periods and figure out how to have a good partner for periods as well. It will look different for different people. But this Mary J. Blige/Jill Scott/ and this woman here stuff is not the path.

But this is what most people need help with. Lots of women know how to be alone. Its almost become a default. Its the part about having a good partner that requires coaching.

 

[hopeful]

But this is what most people need help with. Lots of women know how to be alone. Its almost become a default. Its the part about having a good partner that requires coaching.

I hear you but I’m thinking most women don’t really know how to be happily alone because if they did when a bum like this guy showed up they wouldn’t be so desperate to no longer be alone. Being coupled with the first guy that “seemed” to like her wouldn’t have her so easily caught up. But I agree that women need coaching and support on finding and choosing an appropriate partner.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I hear you but I’m thinking most women don’t really know how to be happily alone because if they did when a bum like this guy showed up they wouldn’t be so desperate to no longer be alone. Being coupled with the first guy that “seemed” to like her wouldn’t have her so easily caught up. But I agree that women need coaching and support on finding and choosing an appropriate partner.

I'm sure this applies to some women but what I tend to see is men coming correct initially then taking advantage after they've gained the woman's trust.

 

[fula97]

I'm sure you're right. I was thinking about what women can do to protect themselves and all I got is to keep your money to yourself. This relationship would've eventually ended when he got tired of her. She probably would've seen his true colors sooner if she never gave him any money.

Ideally she would've found a better man but that's a different conversation altogether.

You can't protect willfully clueless. Past a certain age you have to decide to be businesslike with certain aspects of a relationship. It boggles the mind that people don't want to have an upfront conversation about money. You have a dream that's great but how am I paying bills and taking out loans for a man or giving large sums of cash.

People assume pre-nups are for the very wealthy until you are mandated to turn over part of your 401K or pension and assets . I don't loan money. Have I invested in certain endeavors yes but paperwork is involved with terms and that goes for friends or family. And if I'm dating someone I don't get into the money game.

 

[hopeful]

I'm sure this applies to some women but what I tend to see is men coming correct initially then taking advantage after they've gained the woman's trust.

I think the real key is being able to be less emotional. Be able to maintain perspective. See it as our job to protect ourselves. To not be ruled by our emotions so that when he asks for money or stops paying attention to you or starts being secretive you send him on his way. Not try to discuss it or figure out what’s up. Not try to get back that loving feeling. Just send him on his way.

Men can more easily hook women because we don’t really really love ourselves and don’t really want to be fully responsible for ourselves. Men tend to understand women much better than we understand them. Women really need help in understanding men better and in managing our emotions better. What draws men to us is how emotional we are, it’s an energy thing. I guess I’m saying that I think we need to better understand how to turn that on and off. Almost like a faucet. Use it when we want to and shut it off at will. We have to train ourselves to be in control of ourselves. Men love women but they also love manipulating them too. We have to find a way to be open to love and support while still having the ability to safeguard ourselves from being hurt, mistreated, abused etc.

It’s a delicate balance. Maintain that sweetness and our femininity while being able to shut it down when/if it’s time without going into a tailspin. Never lose yourself to anyone. We definitely need guidance and coaching with regard to men. We have to learn how to detach more easily and quickly.

Trusting our instincts too. Oftentimes looking back the signs were always there. We often “knew” something felt off or wrong very early in but we let our heart, head, our friends, our mamma, and/or a manipulative man override our gut.

 

[giigii613]

I hate to think this way but I think women need to consider the real possibility that they will be alone and supplement their lives with more interaction with family, friends, and maintenance men.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I told a friend of mine that if I am not married after 40 I'm throwing in the towel when it comes to marriage. I will keep a rotation of men but settling down is no longer an option.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Dave Ramsey would not approve.

 

[PJaye]

I'm sure you're right. I was thinking about what women can do to protect themselves and all I got is to keep your money to yourself. This relationship would've eventually ended when he got tired of her. She probably would've seen his true colors sooner if she never gave him any money.

Ideally she would've found a better man but that's a different conversation altogether.

I agree. The moment women began rationalizing the dismissal of the cardinal rule for women, things began deteriorating into the gutter. A woman should never, ever, ever give a man money. Never. I doesn't matter if he's the love of your life, your favorite cousin or your brother. Don't give them any money. Only a bum asks a woman for money, or takes it from her. Only...a...bum. Any woman who justifies giving a man money deserves to get played.

 

[Farida]

My MIL just gave my SIL marriage advice that made my jaw drop. My MIL spent years in a crappy relationship. She is in her 50s so for her to proceed to give her blessing to my SIL has me looking at her like the woman in this OP.

47 is too damn old to let a man pull the okie dokie on you.

 

[intellectualuva]

What a mess.

 

[Dee-Licious]

My MIL just gave my SIL marriage advice that made my jaw drop. My MIL spent years in a crappy relationship. She is in her 50s so for her to proceed to give her blessing to my SIL has me looking at her like the woman in this OP.

47 is too damn old to let a man pull the okie dokie on you.

What was the advice?

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I told a friend of mine that if I am not married after 40 I'm throwing in the towel when it comes to marriage. I will keep a rotation of men but settling down is no longer an option.

To be clear I’m not saying that love or marriage with a worthy guy is impossible after a certain age. I just see too many women still waiting to exhale. I wouldn’t want to be doing the same thing in my 40s and 50s that defined my 20s and 30s. With that in mind I think women need to be open to a different reality.

 

[intellectualuva]

To be clear I’m not saying that love or marriage with a worthy guy is impossible after a certain age. I just see too many women still waiting to exhale. I wouldn’t want to be doing the same thing in my 40s and 50s that defined my 20s and 30s. With that in mind I think women need to be open to a different reality.

I agree with you. Mostly because most of us will outlive our partners and could be very vulnerable to this kind of situation 50+ IF we (insert all the sad traits that leads a nearly 50 year old woman to pay some bills) in exchange for "companionship." So it is best that we in some way find other connections to center in our lives versus the "Waiting to Exhale Pt 2, Pt 3.........Pt Everytime we're 'sangle'." I'm really talking about the women who forget and lose all of their friends, stop maintaining friendships every time they get a man.

 

[intellectualuva]

By the way ladies....she paid a good portion of his bills(he paid a "nominal" rent) much longer than 3 months. She's saying 3 months prior to him telling her the change in plans, he had not paid any bills.

I'll say it a different way.....

She let him go 3 months without paying any bills at all and it only stopped because he told her that her name wasn't going on the deed, but still expected her to financially contribute.

 

[alex114]

At least she put her foot down when ol dude said her name wasn't going on the deed. You know she could've rationalized that, if she was able to justify all the rest to herself. She'll be out a good amount of money, but she'll be able to start from her current position with no hangers-on! Unless she takes Mr. Scammer McBrokey back

 

[Ipanema]

She can just improve her house, sell it as planned, and use that money to start fresh somewhere else without his memories.

I don't think it's unnatural for a woman to go without intimate relationships. It's men who become weirdos when they are alone too long. Women are good at creating nonsexual, healthy intimacy, and not missing a beat when romance comes along. I think the problem is women feeling validated as a human being because of a man due to society, their families, or whatever. Get away from that mentality, and the woman may not put up with so much.

 

[shortycocoa]

Ya'll are making some good points in this thread.

I'm really talking about the women who forget and lose all of their friends, stop maintaining friendships every time they get a man.

I know I have been guilty of doing this a lot in the past. It's something that just ends up happening when I'm not paying attention, and then one day I look up and realize I have put myself on an island and isolated myself from friends and family.

It's hard to change course, but one thing that has helped me is being single and having other things to focus on. I think that's really important.

I think women need to be open to a different reality.

This is interesting. Can you elaborate?

I just recently had a conversation with one of my guy friends. I asked him if he would get married again, and he asked me the same question. I told him that I have days where I feel like I would, but other days when I am leaning heavily on just being single and having companionship when I want it and just doing me on the days I don't feel like being bothered.

He said he's starting to feel the same way, and IF he got married again, he wouldn't rush into it.

At least she put her foot down when ol dude said her name wasn't going on the deed. You know she could've rationalized that, if she was able to justify all the rest to herself. She'll be out a good amount of money, but she'll be able to start from her current position with no hangers-on! Unless she takes Mr. Scammer McBrokey back

Well let's hope she learns not to make this mistake again! I hope her real name wasn't used, because other men may seek her out just to see if they can also hit a lick.

I'm also guessing she didn't tell anyone in her personal life/circle about this guy or this arrangement. There was not one person that could have told her this wasn't a good idea??? She probably wouldn't have listened to them anyway.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I'm confused....did the relative who co-owned the property intend to move? If she's unemployed.....why is he the one with bad credit? What is she paying his bills with? Could she have even gotten a mortgage without a job?

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I'm confused....did the relative who co-owned the property intend to move? If she's unemployed.....why is he the one with bad credit? What is she paying his bills with? Could she have even gotten a mortgage without a job?

I don’t think she was ever going to be on the mortgage. She said she was going to be on the deed.

 

[movingforward13]

I hate to think this way but I think women need to consider the real possibility that they will be alone and supplement their lives with more interaction with family, friends, and maintenance men.

This. Cause these men out here are crazy.
Lots of good guys around but I don’t find them physically attractive. So until they steal my heart with familiarity- I just gonna stay by my lonesome.

That was the point I was trying to make. She was never going to marry him because he didn’t want her.

If she had thought about putting protections in for herself first. I bet she would have realized that getting that loan was a bad idea if for nothing more than he wasn’t willing to commit.

Gotcha but my point is why would she want him? It doesn’t matter if he wanted her or not.
We as women really need to change this narrative.
We think that getting chose and married is it when married women experience MORE stress than single ladies because they married a manchild. No man should be CHOOSING us without our consent- just because a man chooses us, doesn’t mean he is going to magically do right by us. F@ckboys get married everyday B.

We need to evaluate if they are good enough to be husbands, OUR husbands and if not- throw the whole man away. Most of these men DO NOT KNOW how to be husbands. They will do what you want to get you, then revert to their natural selves.