I Paid Bfs Rent And Bills To Improve His Credit Score. He Buys A House Without Telling Me!

[movingforward13]

I'm sure this applies to some women but what I tend to see is men coming correct initially then taking advantage after they've gained the woman's trust.

This!!!!

 

[movingforward13]

She can just improve her house, sell it as planned, and use that money to start fresh somewhere else without his memories.

I don't think it's unnatural for a woman to go without intimate relationships. It's men who become weirdos when they are alone too long. Women are good at creating nonsexual, healthy intimacy, and not missing a beat when romance comes along. I think the problem is women feeling validated as a human being because of a man due to society, their families, or whatever. Get away from that mentality, and the woman may not put up with so much.

Bingo

 

[Farida]

What was the advice?

Maybe I can give more details when I have more time and my shock is over.

Cliff notes:

SIL is almost 30 and makes AWFUL life decisions. She is unmarried, no kids, rents a bedroom and makes over $45k a year but is always broke and borrowing money. She is depressed but pretends to be happy but her friend has called us several times to talk her off the ledge.

Every month or so she meets someone who is the “most amazing person in the world” and if it is a woman it is her role model. If it is a dude it is the love of her life. Inevitably it always ends with her never speaking to the person and now the person is “satan incarnate.”

She went overseas and met a guy ONCE. They talked on the phone for maybe one month. Dude is an unemployed, college dropout. He is tatted up from head to toe and has piercings on his face. He does not even speak English.

She asked me for legal advice on how to bring him here to get to date and know him better. I told there is no easy path because he is broke and uneducated.

So she decided to MARRY him so she can bring him here. I told her not to do that. I told if you’re gonna be dumb at least bring him on a 90-day fiancé visa. You can spend those days and dump his *** if it doesn’t work. Nah. All of a sudden he is “the one.” So she is marrying him over spring break.

I told her to have a prenup and that this is a mistake. But she told me off and said I have “never been in love.”

She was afraid to tell MIL because she knows it’s dumb.

So she finally told MIL. MIL gave her her blessing to marry the guy. Not, “you’re an adult and I cannot stop you.” NOPE. Her blessing.

SIL is almost 30 so she should know better. MIL is divorced and has been remarried for almost 20 years and is in her late 50s so she definitely is too old for that...

And SIL hates me now. But when dude gets his green card and divorces her she will be stuck paying alimony and splitting her retirement accounts.

When you sponsor a spouse for a green card you have to file an “affidavit of support” with the government. It says you will be financially responsible for the immigrant. The government does not really enforce it but it has been used successfully in civil cases to require the sponsoring spouse to pay alimony since it is a valid contract.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

............

 

[Dee-Licious]

I told her to have a prenup and that this is a mistake. But she told me off and said I have “never been in love.”

You married but you don't understand b/c you've never been in love?
She seems like a special case lol.
If she's so bad with money, she might be one of those folks that use their retirement accounts as savings accounts that they withdraw from for purchases, so she might not have much she'll have to split.

 

[Farida]

You married but you don't understand b/c you've never been in love?
She seems like a special case lol.
If she's so bad with money, she might be one of those folks that use their retirement accounts as savings accounts that they withdraw from for purchases, so she might not have much she'll have to split.

ALL of us, not just DH and I who have rained on her parade have “never been in love.” We are not “soulmates.”

I got married young and because of my lack of experience and how naive I was of course most of my thinking was driven by “love.” So I’ve been there for sure. But at least I dated DH for 4 years and we did premarital counseling and I listened to read a lot about marriage so that was my saving grace. And in those 4 years of dating we also grew and matured and so did our relationship.

And we kept trying to tell her that even if this guy is your soulmate what’s the harm in waiting even three months?

DH was like, “man, this guy must have laid some exceptional pipe.” It took just one time!

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I don't think people are supposed to be happy alone and I'm saying this as an introvert. I think that we are all in a constant state of work in progress and anybody who thinks that they are just going to take a break from an aspect of life until they "fix" themselves is acting more out of fear of rejection/getting hurt than actual self actualization.

I agree that women should never try to "buy men". I have never seen it work. The problem is that in this misguided "be humble/be fair/don't expect more from a man than you bring" nonsense that gets spewed amongst black women. So many bw feel that if they just show a man up front that she's going to hold him down every way that she can and step in to fill his needs whether they be sexual or financial that he's going to eventually reciprocate because that's what a decent person would do. Well, we don't like to talk about how a lot of these men are not decent let alone good. Instead we tell women that if she can’t find a good man then there must be something about her that attracts them when it is known that f boys holler at everybody.

IONO I’m outchea tryna do this matchmaking and the men are frustrating and the comments from the peanut gallery focuses on the young ladies being too picky so they start trying to prove themselves to the next dude whether he’s worthy or not.

You done said a WORD with this here post.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

She can just improve her house, sell it as planned, and use that money to start fresh somewhere else without his memories.

I need to know more about her finances before agreeing with this. Without a job where is she gonna go? We don’t know how much money she has or what they were expecting from the sale. She already took a loss paying his bills. She needs to stop the bleeding. For all we know she may be making money renting out the other side of the duplex so selling could work against her. If she found money to pay his bills she can do the same with her own bills.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

That sounds about right. Those are the ones already stable and start trying to work with a brother because they don’t wanna grow older alone.

She wasn't stable. She's unemployed.

And I'm sorry if this was already stated. I usually read all the way through threads before replying, but I just can't with this right now. I'm leaving the office and getting my eyebrows threaded.

 

[Evolving78]

She wasn't stable. She's unemployed.

And I'm sorry if this was already stated. I usually read all the way through threads before replying, but I just can't with this right now. I'm leaving the office and getting my eyebrows threaded.

She had a house, he didn’t have it. She had the credit, he didn’t have that either, hence she was able to take out a loan. So what point are you trying to make, or are you just looking to find some type of flaw in my post? It happens to women, especially older women. If that is something so hard for someone to wrap their brain around, then there is nothing left to say about the matter.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

She had a house, he didn’t have it. She had the credit, he didn’t have that either, hence she was able to take out a loan. So what point are you trying to make, or are you just looking to find some type of flaw in my post? It happens to women, especially older women. If that is something so hard for someone to wrap their brain around, then there is nothing left to say about the matter.

You took that way too personal. I never said it didn't happen, nor that it didn't happen to older women. I said she wasn't stable, and I stand by that. She owned the house with a family member, and she's unemployed. We don't know much about her credit. Honestly, she could've had a co-signer on her loans. But even if she didn't, nothing in that post sounds like a stable woman.

I don't care enough about anyone on this board to try to find flaws in a post. I was just responding.

 

[Atthatday]

I think the real key is being able to be less emotional. Be able to maintain perspective. See it as our job to protect ourselves. To not be ruled by our emotions so that when he asks for money or stops paying attention to you or starts being secretive you send him on his way. Not try to discuss it or figure out what’s up. Not try to get back that loving feeling. Just send him on his way.

Men can more easily hook women because we don’t really really love ourselves and don’t really want to be fully responsible for ourselves. Men tend to understand women much better than we understand them. Women really need help in understanding men better and in managing our emotions better. What draws men to us is how emotional we are, it’s an energy thing. I guess I’m saying that I think we need to better understand how to turn that on and off. Almost like a faucet. Use it when we want to and shut it off at will. We have to train ourselves to be in control of ourselves. Men love women but they also love manipulating them too. We have to find a way to be open to love and support while still having the ability to safeguard ourselves from being hurt, mistreated, abused etc.

It’s a delicate balance. Maintain that sweetness and our femininity while being able to shut it down when/if it’s time without going into a tailspin. Never lose yourself to anyone. We definitely need guidance and coaching with regard to men. We have to learn how to detach more easily and quickly.

Trusting our instincts too. Oftentimes looking back the signs were always there. We often “knew” something felt off or wrong very early in but we let our heart, head, our friends, our mamma, and/or a manipulative man override our gut.

So, when is the book coming out? Your first 10 copies have been sold to me. I have booked your first tour, also.

You, and some others on this board, should spread the excellent truth, start sharing it and getting BW in some for real order!

 

[Black Ambrosia]

She made a bad decision in supporting dude but she sounds stable to me. Jobs come and go but she had the money and credit to support her household and his. I don't get the impression she can't pay back this loan. I think she doesn't want to because she was duped. She can take the same money she was paying toward his bills and pay on this loan. I bet the monthly payment is considerably lower.

 

[janaq2003]

Right. Then she’d just be married to a bum that would try to take half of her 401k and bank accounts. This guy was a user.

This happened to pal of mine. She's still paying off debts he made while they were married. He did her so dirty for so long.. on top of all the grimy stuff he did to her, a woman came to her house in the middle of the night once to tell her she had a baby with my friends husband and that the baby was in the car if she wanted to see it.
He contacted my friend about a 1 1/2 years after their divorce was final to tell her he had cancer. She told him she hoped he had enough life insurance to take care of all his kids when he's gone and hung up on him.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

She made a bad decision in supporting dude but she sounds stable to me. Jobs come and go but she had the money and credit to support her household and his. I don't get the impression she can't pay back this loan. I think she doesn't want to because she was duped. She can take the same money she was paying toward his bills and pay on this loan. I bet the monthly payment is considerably lower.

Okay. The way it read to me is he is paying a small rent and she is paying all his other bills. I assumed the non-existent "contract for rent" she mentioned was in relation to the space in her house he's using for storage. I didn't read it as her taking care of two households at all. Who's to say the family member isn't taking care of her? I don't see the reason she would say she was unemployed at all if it wasn't a burden and she was stable.

But, I'm really not invested either way. I still haven't gone to get my eyebrows done.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Maybe I can give more details when I have more time and my shock is over.

Cliff notes:

SIL is almost 30 and makes AWFUL life decisions. She is unmarried, no kids, rents a bedroom and makes over $45k a year but is always broke and borrowing money. She is depressed but pretends to be happy but her friend has called us several times to talk her off the ledge.

Every month or so she meets someone who is the “most amazing person in the world” and if it is a woman it is her role model. If it is a dude it is the love of her life. Inevitably it always ends with her never speaking to the person and now the person is “satan incarnate.”

She went overseas and met a guy ONCE. They talked on the phone for maybe one month. Dude is an unemployed, college dropout. He is tatted up from head to toe and has piercings on his face. He does not even speak English.

She asked me for legal advice on how to bring him here to get to date and know him better. I told there is no easy path because he is broke and uneducated.

So she decided to MARRY him so she can bring him here. I told her not to do that. I told if you’re gonna be dumb at least bring him on a 90-day fiancé visa. You can spend those days and dump his *** if it doesn’t work. Nah. All of a sudden he is “the one.” So she is marrying him over spring break.

I told her to have a prenup and that this is a mistake. But she told me off and said I have “never been in love.”

She was afraid to tell MIL because she knows it’s dumb.

So she finally told MIL. MIL gave her her blessing to marry the guy. Not, “you’re an adult and I cannot stop you.” NOPE. Her blessing.

SIL is almost 30 so she should know better. MIL is divorced and has been remarried for almost 20 years and is in her late 50s so she definitely is too old for that...

And SIL hates me now. But when dude gets his green card and divorces her she will be stuck paying alimony and splitting her retirement accounts.

When you sponsor a spouse for a green card you have to file an “affidavit of support” with the government. It says you will be financially responsible for the immigrant. The government does not really enforce it but it has been used successfully in civil cases to require the sponsoring spouse to pay alimony since it is a valid contract.

Jesus be a road block.

 

[Makenzie]

I think the real key is being able to be less emotional. Be able to maintain perspective. See it as our job to protect ourselves. To not be ruled by our emotions so that when he asks for money or stops paying attention to you or starts being secretive you send him on his way. Not try to discuss it or figure out what’s up. Not try to get back that loving feeling. Just send him on his way.

Men can more easily hook women because we don’t really really love ourselves and don’t really want to be fully responsible for ourselves. Men tend to understand women much better than we understand them. Women really need help in understanding men better and in managing our emotions better. What draws men to us is how emotional we are, it’s an energy thing. I guess I’m saying that I think we need to better understand how to turn that on and off. Almost like a faucet. Use it when we want to and shut it off at will. We have to train ourselves to be in control of ourselves. Men love women but they also love manipulating them too. We have to find a way to be open to love and support while still having the ability to safeguard ourselves from being hurt, mistreated, abused etc.

It’s a delicate balance. Maintain that sweetness and our femininity while being able to shut it down when/if it’s time without going into a tailspin. Never lose yourself to anyone. We definitely need guidance and coaching with regard to men. We have to learn how to detach more easily and quickly.

Trusting our instincts too. Oftentimes looking back the signs were always there. We often “knew” something felt off or wrong very early in but we let our heart, head, our friends, our mamma, and/or a manipulative man override our gut.

YES to this whole post!

 

[awhyley]

Maybe I can give more details when I have more time and my shock is over.

Cliff notes:

SIL is almost 30 and makes AWFUL life decisions. She is unmarried, no kids, rents a bedroom and makes over $45k a year but is always broke and borrowing money. She is depressed but pretends to be happy but her friend has called us several times to talk her off the ledge.

Every month or so she meets someone who is the “most amazing person in the world” and if it is a woman it is her role model. If it is a dude it is the love of her life. Inevitably it always ends with her never speaking to the person and now the person is “satan incarnate.”

She went overseas and met a guy ONCE. They talked on the phone for maybe one month. Dude is an unemployed, college dropout. He is tatted up from head to toe and has piercings on his face. He does not even speak English.

She asked me for legal advice on how to bring him here to get to date and know him better. I told there is no easy path because he is broke and uneducated.

So she decided to MARRY him so she can bring him here. I told her not to do that. I told if you’re gonna be dumb at least bring him on a 90-day fiancé visa. You can spend those days and dump his *** if it doesn’t work. Nah. All of a sudden he is “the one.” So she is marrying him over spring break.

I told her to have a prenup and that this is a mistake. But she told me off and said I have “never been in love.”

She was afraid to tell MIL because she knows it’s dumb.

So she finally told MIL. MIL gave her her blessing to marry the guy. Not, “you’re an adult and I cannot stop you.” NOPE. Her blessing.

SIL is almost 30 so she should know better. MIL is divorced and has been remarried for almost 20 years and is in her late 50s so she definitely is too old for that...

And SIL hates me now. But when dude gets his green card and divorces her she will be stuck paying alimony and splitting her retirement accounts.

When you sponsor a spouse for a green card you have to file an “affidavit of support” with the government. It says you will be financially responsible for the immigrant. The government does not really enforce it but it has been used successfully in civil cases to require the sponsoring spouse to pay alimony since it is a valid contract.

Special case indeed. Has she ever tried counselling? She'll most certainly need it after her marriage falls apart.

 

[Farida]

Special case indeed. Has she ever tried counselling? She'll most certainly need it after her marriage falls apart.

Special case indeed. Has she ever tried counselling? She'll most certainly need it after her marriage falls apart.

We have recommended counseling a million times. We’ve given up.

 

[awhyley]

We have recommended counseling a million times. We’ve given up.

Sad, very sad. Bright side, she'll be in her mid-thirties by the time this blows up. Enough time for her to start over.

 

[hopeful]

I don't think people are supposed to be happy alone and I'm saying this as an introvert.
...

I believe that we are supposed to be happy alone. I think that we must know how to be happy alone. I think the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.

That said, we are social beings so we need human contact as well, to be touched, to be cared for by others etc. But we cannot see being happy with just ourselves as an impossibility. Long-term aloneness is not a good long-term plan IMO. But I think we learn true love by learning to love ourselves first and foremost. We teach ourselves how others should treat and prioritize us.

Also, if we see being alone as a negative I think that is why so many women settle. A woman told me to not wait too long to date again. She acted as though there were only two options: alone and lonely or coupled and happy. Very either/or, very black and white thinking. I told her you act as though there are only two options, like being coupled will automatically bring happiness when if I choose the wrong guy I could end up miserable and I can actually be happy (and not lonely) alone.

We all want a companion, a good one, a true partner, but until we find him or her there is no reason to not be happy and content in our search to find and be found.

As you’ve stated there are a lot of bad eggs out there. We don’t want to make single women feel like being single equals being a cat lady or and old maid. It’s just not true. Singleness also brings freedom which is also exquisite. Being happily alone, single, whatever you want to call it must be seen as a viable option IMO because it is that view point that will make it easier for women to leave bad men. As has been stated, sometimes men change it up. Do what they need to get you, then change. So, that’s fine. A woman must feel that leaving is doable, the best choice, and that being alone for a while, maybe even years, can be good for her. If she’s educated, has money, is good with money, is sociable, has good friends, and enjoys her own company she will be fine and can be happy.

For me women being coupled is not the priority, them being happy first and ongoingly is.

 

[shortycocoa]

I believe that we are supposed to be happy alone. I think that we must know how to be happy alone. I think the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.

That said, we are social beings so we need human contact as well, to be touched, to be cared for by others etc. But we cannot see being happy with just ourselves as an impossibility. Long-term aloneness is not a good long-term plan IMO. But I think we learn true love by learning to love ourselves first and foremost. We teach ourselves how others should treat and prioritize us.

Also, if we see being alone as a negative I think that is why so many women settle. A woman told me to not wait too long to date again. She acted as though there were only two options: alone and lonely or coupled and happy. Very either/or, very black and white thinking. I told her you act as though there are only two options, like being coupled will automatically bring happiness when if I choose the wrong guy I could end up miserable and I can actually be happy (and not lonely) alone.

We all want a companion, a good one, a true partner, but until we find him or her there is no reason to not be happy and content in our search to find and be found.

As you’ve stated there are a lot of bad eggs out there. We don’t want to make single women feel like being single equals being a cat lady or and old maid. It’s just not true. Singleness also brings freedom which is also exquisite. Being happily alone, single, whatever you want to call it must be seen as a viable option IMO because it is that view point that will make it easier for women to leave bad men. As has been stated, sometimes men change it up. Do what they need to get you, then change. So, that’s fine. A woman must feel that leaving is doable, the best choice, and that being alone for a while, maybe even years, can be good for her. If she’s educated, has money, is good with money, is sociable, has good friends, and enjoys her own company she will be fine and can be happy.

For me women being coupled is not the priority, them being happy first and ongoingly is.

Yaaaaaaasssss Bishop Hopeful come through with that word!!!!

 

[MizAvalon]

I haven't even read the thread yet, I'm still hollering at the title!

 

[ShortyDooWhop]

And at 47 years old too. Now, come on sis. Dis too much.

 

[PretteePlease]

This thread is why I have no problem being called a gold digger.
I will work with a brother but he won't work with my money.
Tryin way too hard.

 

[Covergirl5906]

Good enough for her!

 

[Farida]

@Dee-Licious
@oneastrocurlie @awhyley

2 weeks ago she went overseas and married the guy. It’ll take about 7 to a year for the visa process to get done for him to come over. We shall see...