He says we each pay for ourselves when we go out

[ambergirl]

When I was young and me and my guy didn't have a pot to p*ss in we went out on the cheap and took turns paying, and we only went to things we could afford so if that meant we could only afford slices of pizza that's what we ate.

The issue with going dutch is not the money. It's about setting the tone in the relationship. Either you're in this financial tight spot together or your not. Either your pooling your money by taking turns treating each other, eating on the cheap, or eating at home, or your not.

And don't even get me started with the pay me back thing....ummmm no. If you all need to help each other out on the side for this and that, that's another conversation but if we go out to eat and you treat me, it's a treat....none of this pay me back mess.

Curious to know what you decided OP!

 

[Zaynab]

I dunno....I really like Lady Panilono's response. Keep in mind, ASUBeauty is a medical student and, based on her post, I'm assuming her SO is as well. Grad students in professional programs are notoriously broke. (speaking from experience) Med school is expensive and what's left over covers living expenses for the most part. There's little time for side jobs and they are likely both going to school FULL TIME. Imagine all the studying that takes up their free time.

I think LadyP's response is the most wise because it takes into account the real issue...how he said it....and it takes into account the differences in how men and women process problems and solutions. She's so right on all points.

OP, I hope that things work out for the best and the two of you can come to a happy medium. If your SO is a sweetie pie in all other aspects of the relationship and doesn't have a track record of appearing fickle, then I don't think you should worry about him having a change of heart now. Take into consideration his entire track record with your relationship and give him the benefit of the doubt as you think through this issue.

I was thinking this when she first posted...I know they are in medical school which is stressful within itself and then the financial issues could put a burden on a relationship. I'm not even a dutch girl but I have to take in consideration where they ARE financially.....

I wonder if OP could just talk to him and explain that you could totally understand the financial aspect right now but they way he said it almost made it seem like he's trying to distance himself in the relationship-- like I take care of and you take care of you' Not like a couple that is in a relationship and on the same page. I think OP's hurt comes from a place of HOW he said it and not that he said it.

 

[Zaynab]

It's a recession, we can't be dumping boyfriends in medical school because of some issues over dutch, that could come in handy one day

 

[asubeauty]

After SO put his foot down, he bought 2 dinners and a lunch for "us"...

So he and I talked about it.... well he argued about it first (he said that I was all about money, and I said that if I was I'd be dating the other Nigerian who tried to get at me who actually had money and drove a Range Rover and not him with the teenage Camry with three hubcaps )

But it was really the communication. He thought he was solving a problem; I thought he was trying to put distance between us. I think it was an issue because we used to eat out and see movies and stuff a lot more, but when we first started dating we used to cook for each other all the time. He really likes to cook and he really likes my cooking, so it works out. I think that HE thought I was going to want to keep going out when I really couldn't care less.

I told him that I don't mind paying my own way, but I also don't mind paying his sometimes either. And I honestly don't mind going dutch SOMETIMES but I don't want that to be a general rule in our relationship. He said that he never meant it that way and told me that I took it the wrong way because he wasn't trying to put more distance between us, he was just trying to watch our budgets.

And he just got a PlayStation 3 and I got him NBA 2K10 for Valentine's Day, so now he doesn't want to go anywhere.

 

[Bachelorette]

So he and I talked about it.... well he argued about it first (he said that I was all about money, and I said that if I was I'd be dating the other Nigerian who tried to get at me who actually had money and drove a Range Rover and not him with the teenage Camry with three hubcaps )

wait a Nigerian guy mentioned this dutch concept??