***Random Thoughts: RELATIONSHIP FORUM***

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tinkat you should not feel bad because that gift was a stupid idea and he needs to get you something else ASAP! If you let this go, he will do something this thoughtless and stupid again. You need to nip it in the bud right now
 
Ladies help me! I'm not sure where to post a thread about this...

So I met my biological dad in 2007 (age 22) after a lifetime of not hearing anything from him. Since then, we have been trying to build a relationship of sorts. It's been tough on my end because I have experienced a range of emotions with this man ranging from indifference to anger to hurt (basically due to the fact that my siblings grew up with him in their lives while I didn't know him from a stranger off the street). I admit, there are things that I struggled to understand and I still struggle with it.

However, I feel like his siblings (my uncles and aunts) are trying to hard and too fast to push this "we are family" concept on me before I'm even comfortable with it.

Let me explain. They had a family reunion recently and I opted not to go. To me, it would've been terrible awkward and overwhelming for me. These are people I don't really know and I'm trying to fit in ( my friend compared it to going to a BBQ and you don't know the people there). However, I would have gone if my father indicated that he wanted me there (because my interest is building a relationship with him). Instead, my uncles kept contacting me on FB telling me how much my dad would like for me to come and I should come and blah blah. I felt, at that time, that if he wanted me there he would ask. So I wait. My dad decides to ask me if I'm going 2 weeks before the event and by then I had made other plans.

Tonight one of my uncles contacts me on FB saying "Wow you really didn't come to the reunion." The way he asked it angered me. I feel like my feelings aren't really being considered. Yes, speaking in terms of blood, we are family. However, I spent 22 years of my life not knowing who you are. The 4 years I've been alerted to your existence doesn't automatically erase that. Also, like I mentioned going to a reunion (and there is a lot of them) would have been awkward and overwhelming for me. I'm not against getting to know them , however, that takes time and I prefer it on a smaller scale.

So I ask you, am I wrong for feeling how I feel? Or should a embrace them w/ the same "kumbaya we are family" mentality they have?

Sorry this was so long.
 
shasha8685 I think you should have told him just that. "He's been out of my life for 22 years and you expected me to drop pre-made plans for you?" Perhaps that could be said in a nicer way. Overall, you have every right to feel the way you do. The most important relationship that needs to be fostered is the one between you and your father. As long as he understands how you feel, everyone else can kick rocks and get with the program later.

I also think you should post this in OT.
 
*SkolarStar* said:
shasha8685 I think you should have told him just that. "He's been out of my life for 22 years and you expected me to drop pre-made plans for you?" Perhaps that could be said in a nicer way. Overall, you have every right to feel the way you do. The most important relationship that needs to be fostered is the one between you and your father. As long as he understands how you feel, everyone else can kick rocks and get with the program later.

I also think you should post this in OT.
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@SkolarStar Thanks! I'm definitely gonna post this in OT.

This whole situation has just been so incredibly frustrating for me. I don't want people to think that I don't want to get to know them but I don't want it forced down my throat either....
 
shasha8685 You are not wrong at all. Something like that would have been very overwhelming to me as well. Like you I prefer to get to know people on a smaller scale. If I were you I'd ignore the other relatives for now and focus on my current life and put the primary responsibility on "daddy" to get to know me slowly, gain my trust, and perhaps eventually your forgiveness. Your father let you down and it's his responsibility to help you through this & make things easy for you.
 
MarriageMaterial said:
SUPER SWEET Wait girl, yo man is a :poledancer:
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MarriageMaterial[USER][/USER]
To make a long story short...
He's not my man. A couple pages back I mentioned this dude. My friend and I go to Applebees for fun about once or twice a week. So she was obssessed with him.:sad:
But no matter what time of the day he was sitting at the bar. So I mentioned this to her. She didn't care and got offended. Now she is in competition with the other ladies that would swoon over him.

A waitress told us that he's actually a PIMP.:nono: Just to give us a heads up.
It makes sense now because he always had a chick there. Now my friend is embarrassed but still wants to DATE him.:perplexed She has something to prove to others.

Personally, I feel he's ugly,no conversation and dresses terrible. Never understood the attraction.

I questioned her judgement in the past but NOW:nono::nono: I maybe done.
 
I had to fight to keep from crying this morning.

I'm tired and unhappy and it's getting harder for me to not tell him.
 
crlsweetie912 said:
:bighug:
:bighug:
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Thanks.

Keshieshimmer said:
@MzLady78 We all have our breaking points. You have to say what you want. Don't hold that in for too long.

Hugs
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mischka said:
Not tell him that you're unhappy? You DON'T want to discuss that? Why?
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I couldn't hold it in and we're actually discussing it now.

The reason I didn't want to tell him (although I know for a fact it's not news to him) was because I told myself I wasn't going to have this discussion with him again until I knew for sure that I'd reached the point where I was ready to be done for good. It doesn't make sense to keep having the conversation if once it's finished, you just keep going on the way you've been doing.
 
It's so frustrating sometimes, to keep finding yourself in the same space. You try to justify things but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

It becomes incredibly depressing.
 
Is this the day of trifling men coming back on the scene??

My friend just told me that this dude she was dating and who disappeared for 2 weeks just casually commented on something she posted on Facebook as though nothing happened.

An hour later, one of the dudes I told off (very politely, might I say), just sent me a text saying that he's in NYC and just ran into someone wearing my alma mater paraphernalia and it made him think of me, and he hopes that all is well.

Dude, PLEASE!! get gone and disappear forever. Please.
 
MzLady78 said:
Thanks.





I couldn't hold it in and we're actually discussing it now.

The reason I didn't want to tell him (although I know for a fact it's not news to him) was because I told myself I wasn't going to have this discussion with him again until I knew for sure that I'd reached the point where I was ready to be done for good. It doesn't make sense to keep having the conversation if once it's finished, you just keep going on the way you've been doing.
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:bighug: I hope you gain the courage to do what's best for your heart, even if it takes several tries (and that's okay). The heart can only take so much, and it sounds like you might be reaching your threshold. :bighug:

Sent from my HERO200 using HERO200
 
CarLiTa said:
:bighug: I hope you gain the courage to do what's best for your heart, even if it takes several tries (and that's okay). The heart can only take so much, and it sounds like you might be reaching your threshold. :bighug:

Sent from my HERO200 using HERO200
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Thanks girl.

He told me it's ultimately my decision (as if I didn't know that) but that he wants me in his life. I asked him at this point, with everything that's going on, what purpose am I serving in his life that it matters whether I'm in it or not. He said "to me, you're a friend, a lover, a voice of reason, a sounding board, a 2nd opinion, a comedy break and I love you."

I wasn't expecting that type of answer. I swear, I've never wanted access to a time machine more in my life. It was this same week last year that I told him I had a crush on him and started this chain of events. Should have kept my damn mouth shut.
 
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MzLady78 said:
I couldn't hold it in and we're actually discussing it now.

The reason I didn't want to tell him (although I know for a fact it's not news to him) was because I told myself I wasn't going to have this discussion with him again until I knew for sure that I'd reached the point where I was ready to be done for good. It doesn't make sense to keep having the conversation if once it's finished, you just keep going on the way you've been doing.
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:yep::yep: I am at this point with my friend as well!!! We have been on the same wave length since you returned from vacation.

No advice just a :bighug::bighug:

ETA:: I see that you spoke with him!!! So how are you feeling now?
 
MzLady78 said:
Thanks girl.

He told me it's ultimately my decision (as if I didn't know that) but that he wants me in his life. I asked him at this point, with everything that's going on, what purpose am I serving in his life that it matters whether I'm in it or not. He said "to me, you're a friend, a lover, a voice of reason, a sounding board, a 2nd opinion, a comedy break and I love you."

I wasn't expecting that type of answer. I swear, I've never wanted access to a time machine more in my life. It was this same week last year that I told him I had a crush on him and started this chain of events. Should have kept my damn mouth shut.
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Ok, now your explanation makes sense. I did this at least five times with a guy I was seeing from when I was 19 til I was 23. I would get fed up and tell him something had to change, or I was done, or I didn't want to do this anymore, or what he was doing wasn't fair, or etc etc... and basically having the conversation amounted to one of two things: 1. he would tell me what I wanted to hear and promise to do better or 2. I would really leave him alone for awhile, but keep going back once I got bored or calmed down.

He would say the same kind of crap and the more time went on, the more affectionate his excuses became, because he had to keep upping the ante to keep me hooked in. It wasn't necessarily that I really believed him but that he would cajole me into coming back around. Please believe me when I say 100 percent he would say this EXACT. SAME. SIHT. Right down to the "well it's ultimately up to you" part, not because he's considerate, but because he will keep on trucking just like normal without you around. Literally THE EXACT SAME WORDS.

In my situation, we were dependent on each other because we had a long term sexual relationship that was, for the most part, exclusive (we both had our moments). Both of us enjoyed and wanted what the other had to offer sexually and that was enough to keep us hanging around each other. Even though I knew the relationship had potential to be more fulfilling than what it was, I recognized that he wasn't willing to give it to me and I accepted it... as long as I felt I could accept it. Hell, I was young, so that was probably the time for one of those relationships if I was ever gonna have one.

So I wouldn't even bother to tell you you need to leave him alone (which you obviously do and which I think we all know you're aware of) because you aren't ready. If you were, you'd have done it already and you wouldn't be going through what you are right now, I think. When I was done, I was just over it, and that was the end of it. I dropped contact and when he wanted to come through I told him no and that was the last we heard of each other. So when you're there, you're there.
 
i didn't realize how much of an effect negative thinking/speaking people have on me until today... i need to cut some people loose or keep them at a distance because this is getting out of hand... and starting to drag me down. :ohwell:
 
MzLady78 said:
Thanks girl.

He told me it's ultimately my decision (as if I didn't know that) but that he wants me in his life. I asked him at this point, with everything that's going on, what purpose am I serving in his life that it matters whether I'm in it or not. He said "to me, you're a friend, a lover, a voice of reason, a sounding board, a 2nd opinion, a comedy break and I love you."

I wasn't expecting that type of answer. I swear, I've never wanted access to a time machine more in my life. It was this same week last year that I told him I had a crush on him and started this chain of events. Should have kept my damn mouth shut.
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MzLady78
In the past, the bolded would have reeled me in hook, line and sinker. I don't know all the details about your situation, but for me, it was a lot like Mischka said....:blah: :blah: :blah:
Just saying stuff that I wanted to hear. Only you can say wether or not it's worth risking it.
Write out a list of the pro's a cons about being with him, and I think that will give you the insight to make the best decision for YOU!!
:bighug:
 
@Do_Si_Dos, I'm feeling drained. I can't for the life of me understand why it's so hard to let to let this ish go. I mean, I know it's because I love him and I do believe that he really loves me, but I also know that sometimes, it's just not enough. No matter what he says, he does not have room in his life for me, and he can't give me the kind of time and attention I need/deserve right now.

@mischka, yep, I'm very aware that I need to let it go. But you know how it is when someone becomes such a normal part of your life that you can't see them not being in it? I know that if we end things, that will have to be it for real. No communication at all, because I'm not gonna lie to myself and say we can be friends. I remember what my life was like before him and I don't want to go back to that. For the first time in IDK how long, I found someone that saw all the things in me that no one else seemed to see. He's never been less than honest with me (and I'm confident in saying that because I can think of a number of situations where it would have been in his best interest to and he didn't) and I believe that he all those things he says I am to him, he means. I like being those things and I don't want to give that up. But it's just getting too hard.
 
MzLady78 said:
@Do_Si_Dos, I'm feeling drained. I can't for the life of me understand why it's so hard to let to let this ish go. I mean, I know it's because I love him and I do believe that he really loves me, but I also know that sometimes, it's just not enough. No matter what he says, he does not have room in his life for me, and he can't give me the kind of time and attention I need/deserve right now.

@mischka, yep, I'm very aware that I need to let it go. But you know how it is when someone becomes such a normal part of your life that you can't see them not being in it? I know that if we end things, that will have to be it for real. No communication at all, because I'm not gonna lie to myself and say we can be friends. I remember what my life was like before him and I don't want to back to that. For the first time in IDK how long, I found someone that saw all the things in me that no one else seemed to see. He's never been less than honest with me (and I'm confident in saying that because I can think of a number of situations where it would have been in his best interest to and he didn't) and I believe that he all those things he says I am to him, he means. I like being those things and I don't want to give that up.
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:cry2:
I wish things weren't always so complicated! :bighug:
 
Yeah, I figured. I will just offer to you that I was young, and I had the time to waste. Do you? You shouldn't let the fear that you won't be those things to someone who actually wants to commit to you keep you wasting your time. But you'll get there when you get there :yep: :bighug:
 
crlsweetie912 said:
:cry2:
I wish things weren't always so complicated! :bighug:
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You and me both. Great guy, bad timing. SMDH.

mischka said:
Yeah, I figured. I will just offer to you that I was young, and I had the time to waste. Do you? You shouldn't let the fear that you won't be those things to someone who actually wants to commit to you keep you wasting your time. But you'll get there when you get there :yep: :bighug:
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I don't. And I know I don't. So really, this should be a no-brainer. :rolleyes:

FML...
 
I don't know who said this but I do believe it is true and bears repeating.."when you settle for less, you get less than what you settled for". Ever since I read it , it has been stuck in my head as a constant reminder never settle for less than. I know the men to women ratio is high as hell in my city but I refuse to allow some of the bullsh*t I see out there into my life. God knows I might get lonely sometimes and miss all the benefits of being in a relationship but If I said it once I will say it again I can be unhappy all by damn self, it does not take two. *venting over*
 
MzLady78 said:
You and me both. Great guy, bad timing. SMDH.


I don't. And I know I don't. So really, this should be a no-brainer. :rolleyes:

FML...
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Are you sure he's such a great guy? MzLady remember you said you were going to get some therapy? I really think you should get help soon. This relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy. You need an objective professional to help you see things more clearly. You deserve sooo much better: steady companionship, dependability, love, support, someone to move forward with. It's time to move on.

ETA: Forgive me if I'm being too forward, but it hurts to see you go on about him being so great and to me he just seems so full of it.
 
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I deleted the guy's text :yay:
I toyed with the idea of saying: "That's unfortunate... I don't care to hear from you." because that's genuinely how I feel:look: and that is what I told him 3 months ago.

But, I fought the urge:yay: Silence is better. I'm happy with my decision.
 
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