Other Women Sending Your Man Gifts...

[NYLegalNewbie]

How would you feel if other women sent your guy gifts? Would it depend on what kind of gift it is? Would it depend on whether or not it's a gift that could benefit you too? (Sorry, had to throw that one in there for laughs )

The issue comes up because of something quite unexpected that happened with me and the boyfriend the other night. He got a package from a girl that he hung out with last summer. Not a "hook up" or anything. Just someone he met when another friend of his was in town with her. He's gotten presents from friends before - both male and female. Just cute innocuous gifts, like a souvenir from another country or something funny. When he saw the package, he asked me to come over and check out what he got. He unwrapped it and there was a box of chocolates, a card and a scrapbook. My first thoughts were "Aww, that's kinda cool and sweet. Person put some thought into it."

But then, we both read through the card and the scrapbook. Um...girlfriend was basically telling my boyfriend that she LOVED him and thought about him everyday. He seemed surprised (and mildly amused), considering that he hasn't spoken to or heard from the girl in a couple of months or so, and he also said that she doesn't know that he now has a girlfriend.

I really had NO idea how to react. On the one hand, I was like, "Okay, she doesn't know he has a girlfriend, so this was sent pretty innocently." But then again, I was kinda like "What kinda SH*T!?!?"

Maybe there's something wrong with me, but reading the words of some other woman professing her love for my boyfriend just, uh, yeah, NOT the most comfortable feeling in the world. And, yes, that was DEFINITELY expressed to the boyfriend. It's especially weird because I've never been in a situation where I've seen my boyfriend receive such an intimate gift from another woman.

How would you guys feel about it?

BTW - he's told me that he's going to reach out to her and thank her for the gift, but tell her that this sort of thing is inappropriate because he has a girlfriend now.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

How long have you and your SO been together?

 

[HairBarbie]

I'll eat the chocolates while he deals with the situation.

 

[Ronnieaj]

For me, it depends on the person and on the gift. I have no problems with women sending my man gifts, but that doesn't mean that all gifts are acceptable. I would react how you did. "Okay, she put some thought in, that's cool. Oh my, what does that say?!?!" At least you acknowledge that she doesn't know he's with you, so she's not trying to break anything up. I think both of your responses were totally appropriate to the situation .

 

[JustKiya]

Depends on the gift, and depends on who it's from.

I think your SO handled that very gracefully, NY -

 

[Shoediva]

From reading I take it, you and BF were not together? at the time him and this girl hung out, is this correct? do they share a mutual friend?. If yall werent together and she had no way of knowing that he is in a relationship. The best thing is to let BF handle things as planned. By handling I mean him contacting this girl to let her know and UNDERSTAND that he is in a relationship and that any future contact would be inapropriate and not accepted.

If this isn't the case. I would still let BF handle and nip it in the bud!

A gift for DH from a mutual friend, coworker, is fine. I will have raised eyebrows on a gift from a female I dont know!

 

[Transformer]

Was the card from a woman named "Rose" and she also appears on 2 and Half Men? She's assertive...but HE seems to be handling well. She didn't know he now has a girlfriend...it was just a feeler.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

To answer some questions...

SO and I have only been together for about 3 months now, and when they met, we were not together (we actually hadn't even met yet).

Also, another thing to note is that I have dealt with rampant cheaters in the past, so I tend to be really sensitive to these kinds of things. When I was younger (and more innocent), the guys I was with would get calls from women, hang out with them, etc. and if I dared to question it, they would immediately tell me I was being insecure, all the while they were running around on me BIG TIME.

I did, admittedly, get upset when I found out WHAT kind of gift it really was because it stirred up all these past feelings. I tried to ignore it and laugh it off, but then it really started bothering me the more I looked at it. It caused a small argument, and finally, I admitted to him that I really didn't like the gift at all, and would prefer not to see it again. I told him that I didn't tell him how I really felt overall because I was afraid of being labeled insecure.

He said he understood and wished that I would've just said so in the beginning so that he'd know how I REALLY felt and that this is something he needs to not take lightly (i.e. letting this girl know sooner rather than later).

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

After re-reading, it obvious that your SO had nothing to hide because if he did, he would have never sat down with you and let you see and read what the girl sent--that's a good thing I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

After re-reading, it obvious that your SO had nothing to hide because if he did, he would have never sat down with you and let you see and read what the girl sent--that's a good thing I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Right, I definitely don't think I have anything to ACTUALLY worry about. He's really been an upfront honest guy.

Mostly, I'm posting to get insight as to my feelings about the gift itself. I feel like I was being irrational by getting upset over it, nevermind the fact that my reaction may be understandable given my past experiences (and the fact that, even though he's been good so far, we are still getting to know each other).

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

To answer some questions...

SO and I have only been together for about 3 months now, and when they met, we were not together (we actually hadn't even met yet).

Also, another thing to note is that I have dealt with rampant cheaters in the past, so I tend to be really sensitive to these kinds of things. When I was younger (and more innocent), the guys I was with would get calls from women, hang out with them, etc. and if I dared to question it, they would immediately tell me I was being insecure, all the while they were running around on me BIG TIME.

I did, admittedly, get upset when I found out WHAT kind of gift it really was because it stirred up all these past feelings. I tried to ignore it and laugh it off, but then it really started bothering me the more I looked at it. It caused a small argument, and finally, I admitted to him that I really didn't like the gift at all, and would prefer not to see it again. I told him that I didn't tell him how I really felt overall because I was afraid of being labeled insecure.

He said he understood and wished that I would've just said so in the beginning so that he'd know how I REALLY felt and that this is something he needs to not take lightly (i.e. letting this girl know sooner rather than later).

Your SO sounds like a sweet guy, try not to let your past relationships ruin what might be a great one with your new SO. He seems to be on the up and up regarding the gift from this friend of his. He said he's going to handle it and you'll have to trust him on that and hopefully she'll respect that and the relationship between you and him.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Your SO sounds like a sweet guy, try not to let your past relationships ruin what might be a great one with your new SO. He seems to be on the up and up regarding the gift from this friend of his. He said he's going to handle it and you'll have to trust him on that and hopefully she'll respect that and the relationship between you and him.

Thanks so much for saying the bolded. I'm kinda taking things OT here, but I really wonder how many times women (including myself) have scared off great guys or nipped potentially great relationships in the bud because of the influence of past relationships. I'm happy to say that for the MOST part, I've been able to deal with the "collateral damage" of past relationships - I'm aware it's there and can often catch myself on it and work through it. But sometimes, a situation can happen that's really unexpected and it triggers an unexpected reaction too, and before I can get a handle on it, it already has a handle on me

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

Let him do it....and also Imma need to see proof he did it, whether it be a phone call or maybe mail out the letter myself...just because I'm paranoid like that and I don't want any loose ends.

ETA: I wasnt saying your bf couldn't be trusted but just that YOU know that SHE GOT the message.

 

[kismettt]

um it def depends on the gift. i wouldn't be surprised if my SO got bday/xmas gifts from a female friend as long as it's not like edible underwear (or something inappropriate)

i think your SO handled that well. that's ballsy as hell to send a gift like that when she (apparently) has not caught up with him in a while. you think she would make a phone call first.

 

[JustKiya]

um it def depends on the gift. i wouldn't be surprised if my SO got bday/xmas gifts from a female friend as long as it's not like edible underwear (or something inappropriate)

i think your SO handled that well. that's ballsy as hell to send a gift like that when she (apparently) has not caught up with him in a while. you think she would make a phone call first.

I woulda said creepy, personally.

 

[kismettt]

I woulda said creepy, personally.

basically.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

...it better be from a woman (mother, aunt, sister, etc.) in his family

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I woulda said creepy, personally.

THANK YOU!!!

This girl was really going on and on about how she felt about him (filled up two pages of a card writing shizzle AND the scrapbook was filled with pictures of him and the words "LOVE" on a lot of pages).

She's not American (Korean), and he used to live in Korea. He says that in his country of origin (Germany) and in places like Korea, where he lived abroad, this sort of thing isn't viewed as being over the top. That people would think it's sweet. But I explained to him that here, people would start thinking about getting a restraining order against you. LOL!

 

[Bunny77]

I agree with everything Honeycomb said.

I understand those "triggers." They can make ya act crazy with someone who didn't even do anything wrong. But you handled yourself well... and as long as he makes it clear to the girl that he's involved now, you're all good.

So he's German, eh? Like, born and raised in German, or German-American?

 

[SleekandBouncy]

Assuming she truly didn't know he had a girlfriend I wouldn't feel any way about it other than she was going after a man she was interested in and unfortunately he's not available. I would however have a smirk directed in the tone of "so y'all realllllly didn't have a little something something going on. mmmmhmmmm"

The only thing I would do from there is see how he handled it, without my suggestion and if all that went well I would be cool as a cucumber.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I agree with everything Honeycomb said.

I understand those "triggers." They can make ya act crazy with someone who didn't even do anything wrong. But you handled yourself well... and as long as he makes it clear to the girl that he's involved now, you're all good.

So he's German, eh? Like, born and raised in German, or German-American?

Born and raised in Germany. So, as you can imagine, we deal with some interesting cultural issues from time to time

 

[Vinyl]

I wouldn't worry as long as he discourages future gifts of that nature from the girl. He told you about the gift, ya'll read the card together, he let you know she doesn't know he's taken but she will soon... Sounds like smooth-sailing to me.