He didn't even get me a Christmas card

[butter_pecan]

Right..were the earrings really nice? i.e carat size? That would possibly make a difference

Ya know!?! I would've reevaluating and stuff, too.

 

[Bachelorette]

Ex as soon as I gather enough courage to end it. Like a fool I thought he was gonna change. He's trying, but it's way too late for that ish now.

(Our last anniversary dinner was at subway... because apparently I took too long to get there and he was hungry and didn't want to wait in a restaurant. Here I was trying to pick out a $30 shirt and I was rewarded with a $3 sandwich.)

and to think I thought I was probably going overboard with the "ex" joke.

sorry to hear this, evo.

 

[Evo-ny]

and to think I thought I was probably going overboard with the "ex" joke.

sorry to hear this, evo.

Naw, don't worry about it. There's been a lot of issues that would require a thread on its own. That's why I'm trying out the single and mingle challenge!

Sorry to hijack, OP! It's good to hear he found an amazing gift for you. Show em off!

 

[MissJ]

He didn't just figure out what would be the perfect gift. Diamond earrings would be a great gift for any woman for any ocassion. He just waited until they went on sale.

 

[MissYocairis]

oh wow... I'm not looking to get married any time soon lol. I just thought it was thoughtless for him not even to mention it. but he' s like that. He's a very nonchalant person and I can be the same way sometimes. He always gets on me for not expressing on how I really feel sometime. Anywho it typically takess me 8-9 months to figure out if I want to be exclusive with someone so him not being my boyfriend does not bother me. I'm not off balance or unsure in anyway shape or form. I know exactly what I want and what to do to get. I'm not pressed in no way for a man I'm happy with the sitiuation especially since we understand each other life and jobs. ( we work in the same industry)

As long as you are clear about what you want, then good. That's the goal. That's the main objective for a lot of the comments here. I was just using "marriage-minded" as an example for you because I know how we can be as women and we tend to sacrifice what we really want for less. But, if marriage at this time is not on your radar and you are cool with the situation as you have said, then I am happy that your story had a happy ending for you. You said you are not "off balance or unsure in any way, shape or form" and that is saying a lot. So...do you and enjoy it mommy. I am glad it's working out the way you want and that you are cool with things.

 

[MissYocairis]

i love how this has turned into "WHY AREN'T YOU TWO TALKING MARRIAGE??? DAMN BETTER TO HAVE A PIECE OF A MAN THAN NOT HAVE ONE AT ALL"


sometimes i just think some on here take all their hang ups/issues & project them onto other people even though that was not quite the orignal question

Not really.

Nobody asked her why they aren't talking marriage that I could see. We just share a concern when our sisters are emotionally and physically connected to someone who has not given them all they deserve. Seems to me the board just wants to help OP explore her true feelings and expectations. There's nothing wrong with that and she's in no danger of taking wayward advice from people who haven't healed. She is a big girl and she can weigh all the aspects for herself.

 

[MissYocairis]

Oh I was upset and it did make me rethink the situation but I was just overeacting as usual. But the posts on this thread made my vent turn into why are you not in a commited relationship with a ring on your finger type of thread which wasn't the case at all

You think you were over-reacting? So you do believe him when he looked at you like you were crazy? erplexed

 

[Coffee]

I will tell you that men and women think totally different. My hubby now but boyfriend at the time gave me a massaging shower head for our 2nd Xmas together; I was so disappointed, but didn't say anything. After we got married he told me why he got the shower head. His reason was : I played tennis alot and he thought it would be nice for me to have a shower massager to relax my body after playing. He really thought I would like it. I never thought to look at it that way, but once I did, it made sense. I tell you men have a totally different thought process and they aren't that bright!!

 

[MissYocairis]

I will tell you that men and women think totally different. My hubby now but boyfriend at the time gave me a massaging shower head for our 2nd Xmas together; I was so disappointed, but didn't say anything. After we got married he told me why he got the shower head. His reason was : I played tennis alot and he thought it would be nice for me to have a shower massager to relax my body after playing. He really thought I would like it. I never thought to look at it that way, but once I did, it made sense. I tell you men have a totally different thought process and they aren't that bright!!

Girl, I would have loved that gift! It's very practical and it allows you to pamper yourself. Even more sexy if he came over and installed it in his boxer briefs.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

At 38 he should know better and shouldn't need a "pass". Giving passes is why some folks end up with trifling *** no good men..Keep giving passes, they'll keep doing the same ****....

There's no way I'm going to spend money on a man for the biggest gift giving holiday of the year just to walk away empty handed.....and I'm supposed to let it "pass"??? .....

Couldn't be me....I guess for some any man is better than no man.

Wait...he trifling because he didn't give a present on time?...Uh...I don't see how he that could make him end up trifling...but ok... You said that.......

I'd be interested to hear women's stories of various ways their SOs have messed up in one way or the other during dating and/or marriage--but they're still happily with them. I think it happens a lot more than people generally talk about. When we're actually in the situation, we see the whole person, their track record, the context, the vibe we're getting from them, and how they make us feel at the end of the day.

Then we talk to someone from the outside, and that one mistake is all they know of this person, and they're being judged on this one thing...which may or may not be fair and may be unnecessarily harsh. And the whole man/woman divide can come into play a lot. I remember once harping to a friend of mine about something this guy did or didn't do right, and her boyfriend (now husband) just told both of us, "Stop judging him!" He was a great bf and is a great husband whose perspective I trust, and we were coming to all these conclusions about this guy's motives, perspective, etc. that really hadn't been proven.

So, what I take from the above quote is that only the person in the relationship knows what's really up and whether they should stick with it.

@Bolded...I waited to see if this would play out at all today and I think it was too much like right...

oh wow... I'm not looking to get married any time soon lol. I just thought it was thoughtless for him not even to mention it. but he' s like that. He's a very nonchalant person and I can be the same way sometimes. He always gets on me for not expressing on how I really feel sometime. Anywho it typically takess me 8-9 months to figure out if I want to be exclusive with someone so him not being my boyfriend does not bother me. I'm not off balance or unsure in anyway shape or form. I know exactly what I want and what to do to get. I'm not pressed in no way for a man I'm happy with the sitiuation especially since we understand each other life and jobs. ( we work in the same industry)

Gurl...enjoy ya diamonds and ya dating...since its plenty of folks on here sitting manless with CZ's in their ears......reading their books

 

[MissYocairis]

Gurl...enjoy ya diamonds and ya dating...since its plenty of folks on here sitting manless with CZ's in their ears......reading their books

OP...please...pay attention. Don't get caught up listening to provacative insinuations that have no basis. You have received advice from married women and women in exclusive relationships, as well as women who are in their late 30's and have dated men like your friend and been around the block. Take everything with a balanced view as best you can and remember to keep yourself as the #1 priority...FIRST and FOREMOST. OK? If you do that...everything will work out beautifully.

 

[Lenee925]

OP...please...pay attention. Don't get caught up listening to provacative insinuations that have no basis. You have received advice from married women and women in exclusive relationships, as well as women who are in their late 30's and have dated men like your friend and been around the block. Take everything with a balanced view as best you can and remember to keep yourself as the #1 priority...FIRST and FOREMOST. OK? If you do that...everything will work out beautifully.

Yep. Although I doubt OP will post again if/when she runs into more question marks with this guy. Not that I blame you OP

 

[vevster]

I will tell you that men and women think totally different. My hubby now but boyfriend at the time gave me a massaging shower head for our 2nd Xmas together; I was so disappointed, but didn't say anything. After we got married he told me why he got the shower head. His reason was : I played tennis alot and he thought it would be nice for me to have a shower massager to relax my body after playing. He really thought I would like it. I never thought to look at it that way, but once I did, it made sense. I tell you men have a totally different thought process and they aren't that bright!!

My BIL gave my sister a cotton candy machine one year because he knew she liked cotton candy! It does happen! lol

ETA

SMUCKIE_SLICK = VOICE OF REASON

 

[antisocial]

OP...please...pay attention. Don't get caught up listening to provacative insinuations that have no basis. You have received advice from married women and women in exclusive relationships, as well as women who are in their late 30's and have dated men like your friend and been around the block. Take everything with a balanced view as best you can and remember to keep yourself as the #1 priority...FIRST and FOREMOST. OK? If you do that...everything will work out beautifully.

Exactly.

 

[Bachelorette]

OP...please...pay attention. Don't get caught up listening to provacative insinuations that have no basis. You have received advice from married women and women in exclusive relationships, as well as women who are in their late 30's and have dated men like your friend and been around the block. Take everything with a balanced view as best you can and remember to keep yourself as the #1 priority...FIRST and FOREMOST. OK? If you do that...everything will work out beautifully.

why are you even wasting your time responding to this person? Ive never seen any response other than "thatz why some of yous aint gots a mans" from her my entire time here which is funny since most of those giving tigereyes advice are married and not claiming some imaginary FH.

ODE.

 

[Bunny77]

Ex as soon as I gather enough courage to end it. Like a fool I thought he was gonna change. He's trying, but it's way too late for that ish now.

(Our last anniversary dinner was at subway... because apparently I took too long to get there and he was hungry and didn't want to wait in a restaurant. Here I was trying to pick out a $30 shirt and I was rewarded with a $3 sandwich.)

Hey Evo-ny... I wanted to come back to this.

I know that you can't make a move to end it until you are truly ready, but I hope that time is coming soon. In the meantime, if you haven't done so already, I would CEASE AND DESIST purchasing any more things for this man. Food, clothing, whatever... just stop.

When you bought him the $375 chain reduced to $300 a few years back, had he been spending that much money on you beforehand? I'm asking because I'm genuinely curious as to why women (particularly younger women who aren't ballin' out of control and are still establishing themselves) spend that much money on boyfriends' presents. I'm old school and am used to the men going all out on gifts early on, and then the woman works up to that level later... typically AFTER she's married to that particular man.

So I'm just wondering about the standard here... and I hope that this didn't also go into the date realm either -- as in, you weren't paying for the majority of the dinner/lunch dates, were you?

 

[Bunny77]

Okay, Softblackcotton... I had to come back to this one too!

I'm not the kind of person who gives to receive, but I do certainly appreciate a little genuine acknowledgement or effort on my bdays, Xmas, and one day when I have a real SO Valentine's day (I'm a hopeless romantic in my daydreams) I had something similar happen to me with this guy I've been kind of talking and going out with since March 2009. I really respect my friends b-days and I consider him a friend right now, if things go well maybe we could be exclusive. I'm taking EXTREMELY slow to let him get closer to me so I could feel him out because I've seen how these men can be.

Okay, see here... your last two sentences let me know before I read anything more that this situation was not going anywhere. If he wanted to be exclusive with you, you two wouldn't have been "talking" since March 2009. That's nearly a whole year of talking... if he wanted more, it wouldn't matter how slow you were being trying to feel him out, he would have continued to pursue and win you over. You don't "talk" to a dude for nine months and then think, "well, maybe we can be exclusive if things go well." That boyfriend ship sailed a long time ago when y'all stayed friends for so long and never moved into anything more.

On his b-day in Oct I treated him to a $65 lunch with gift and card included. He told me I was the only one to give him something for his bday.

This goes back to my confusion about women spending a whole lot of money on men. Now, I know you said you like to treat your friends well, but do you treat your girls to $65 lunches with gifts and cards on their birthdays? If so, can I be your friend?

Seriously though, right here, you played yourself. You say he's just a friend, but you two have kissed and you're giving girlfriend-level gifts on his birthday, yet from what I can tell, he made no moves to make you his girlfriend before this. With this, you showed your hand and showed that you wanted him, so he knew he'd "gotten" you and didn't have to work any harder. I bet what happened in mid-November was that he met someone else who he wanted to pursue for a more serious relationship and that's why he stopped contacting you... or if not, he just pulled back because he knows that you expect more from him than he wants to give, and it's easier to just back off.

My b-day is coming up at the end of the month and I'm afraid. I made sure to take it off facebook, because since I remembered his bday I hope he remembered mine(plus I don't want a million people I don't know writing happy b-day and asking what I am going to. I have no plans yet for my 25th bday) We only talked about bdays a million times on the phone. He can afford to take me out with his well-paying job, however, I would just like to see an acknowlegement call me and wish me a Happy Birthday maybe send a card. I've always had problems with friends/relatives/colleagues other than my parents and two best friends from college acknowledging my bday even though I go out of my way to celebrate their's. It also made me feel worse when I go on facebook and see all my colleagues showing off Xmas presents they got from their SO's *sigh*

I wouldn't get my hopes up... but seriously, your last sentence (as Poohbear noted) shows that your mind is in the wrong place about this. You're thinking about him and behaving as if he is an SO because of all the closeness you two had. He sees you as just a friend, and his definition of friend right now might be, "a chick I talk to every once in a while." He has no obligation to take you out for your birthday and while it would be nice to get a card, he might not do that either.

Maybe in general, you should stop being so celebratory of other people's big days (men, women, whomever), and start seeing what people do for you first. Friendships should be reciprocal, and if you're continually being disappointed about what people aren't doing for you, then that means you're giving too much to people.

My logical side came to these realizations long ago, but the dummy part of mind stubbornly refuses to accept the truth. I think this is a chronic problem for many women.

I think you're right. But, you're young, and maybe this might be the situation that snaps you out of this type of thinking. Women need to stop giving so much of themselves to men and not get caught up in pseudo-relationships. These psuedo-relationships will waste months and sometimes YEARS of your life, and the crazy thing is, you'll look back and feel silly about all that you went through over someone who wasn't even your man to begin with! That's the worst thing about it really... if I'm gonna be depressed and boo-hooing after a breakup, can I at least have had a boyfriend to be upset about? Not some friend who was never my boyfriend in the first place?

Anyway, good luck to you, and I hope that this proves to be a good learning experience for better situations in the future.

 

[Taliah]

Okay, so he waited to see what she was going to get him first.
So, were these earrings given on the Birthday? I remember it coming up soon.
Wow. I swear on everything I own I wouldn't have accepted this late gift. His ego deserved a hit after hurting her feelings. I guarantee she would have received a bracelet to match along with those earrings in the aftermath.
I don't play games with men, Friends, Lovers, Boyfriend or Husband.

 

[Evo-ny]

So I'm just wondering about the standard here... and I hope that this didn't also go into the date realm either -- as in, you weren't paying for the majority of the dinner/lunch dates, were you?

No, but we hardly went out either. We've been together almost 2 years, but I can only remember 2 dinner dates that he'd paid for. If there were more, I honestly can't remember. I was really busy with work and school and my "furry kids" (2 dogs) that I didn't realize how bad things were and how unhappy I was.

I made a quick blog post about it, didn't get into any real details, but it explains why I'm having a hard time getting out of it.