SO sending ex flowers with the note attached

[Klearli]

OMG! Were you on the phone call?? that is exactly what he said! He told her, its not like I sent her diamond earrings.

I am about to copy and paste so I can send this to her cause this is the truest sh*t ever wrote..

I've been there so I know the routine. First something grossly inappropriate happens. You confront him. He downplays what it is (ie, its not like its diamonds). He then attempts to make you feel bad for even *thinking* that he's wrong. Like he's hurt that your mind even thinks like that about him. He'll probably remind you that your friends can't give you accurate advice because they're not in the relationship. Or they're jealous, that's why they're single, ect. Basically he will try to make you feel stupid...or even make you kind of nervous to confront him again. The more naive or trusting or desperate your friend is, the easier it is for him to do whatever. In my experience, some men are just dogs...they need to have multiple women to feel good about themselves. Or they're just selfish...need to always have options just in case.

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[Fine 4s]

I would send him flowers (AKA buy some grocery store flowers and drop them off at his door) and attach a note that reads, "Even though I can't be there, I want to send these as my representative. I want your first and last set of flowers to be from someone who loves herself far more than she loves you. Have a nice life with your ex/best friend/lover".

Cooooooooooold bloooooooooooooded!!!
That would be DOPE though.

I also think that transparency is important. MAYBE it wouldn't be AS bad if he had brought it to his current gf's attention to find out if she may or may not have approved. Finding out later, maybe still may have meant NOTHING but would still bother me...

 

[sharentu]

is it made of gold? even that is no excuse to consider yourself a doormat to be walked on. she needs to do a dear john letter... by the time you read this i will be gone. people treat you how you let them treat you. i hope she gets the courage to want more for herself. she is really settling.

 

[faithVA]

I guess I understand why its so difficult for some women to smell bullshiz when its been inserted directly into her nostrils. Its up there so thick, she's lost her sense of smell.

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Klearli, I wish I had known you when I was in my twenties. I really needed some to tell me to wake up. I was covered in it and couldn't smell it.

But you are on the money with this one.

 

[Mai Tai]

No you didn't bring the POTUS into this foolishness!

OP, your friend is the only person in a relationship. I hope she realizes that.

 

[natural_one]

She told me she feels like he is making her feel crazy cause all the bs he is doing he finds some way to explain it away, but I have let her read this thread and I think she is finally seeing what is going on...

 

[Mai Tai]

@ that gif.

I feel really bad for her cause she is a good woman, and treats him like a king. Now that I think back, there are so many things wrong with her relationship. He doesn't take her out, doesn't compliment her, doesnt tell or show her he loves her, inappropriate texts, doesnt call her, and has multiple female friends that he treats better than her. She said when they see each other he never smiles and she has to ask for a kiss/hug.

I am hoping this is the last straw cause she would be a fool to just let it go.

I just posted this on Twitter before entering this thread...

"Saying "YES" to everything to appease everyone does not make you a good woman...It makes you a bobble-head."

OP a "good woman" knows her worth and would never allow herself to become a dormat for a man that isn't even attemptig to act like he loves her. A "good woman" is good to herself first...

You friend is not being a "good woman", she's being...well...rhymes with numb...

 

[faithVA]

She told me she feels like he is making her feel crazy cause all the bs he is doing he finds some way to explain it away, but I have let her read this thread and I think she is finally seeing what is going on...

Something similar came up in a thread last night about why guys don't just leave when they are done. I mentioned that many guys avoid direct confrontation. They won't leave or say goodbye that just do one dumb thing after another and they wait for the woman to make the decision. I guess its like why some people don't quit a job but wait to get fired.

Guys may never officially say good-bye. Their bodies are there but they have been long gone. Makes no sense to me but I've seen in many, many times. He has officially left the building.

 

[faithVA]

I just posted this on Twitter before entering this thread...

"Saying "YES" to everything to appease everyone does not make you a good woman...It makes you a bobble-head."

OP a "good woman" knows her worth and would never allow herself to become a dormat for a man that isn't even attemptig to act like he loves her. A "good woman" is good to herself first...

co-signing.

 

[Fine 4s]

Something similar came up in a thread last night about why guys don't just leave when they are done. I mentioned that many guys avoid direct confrontation. They won't leave or say goodbye that just do one dumb thing after another and they wait for the woman to make the decision. I guess its like why some people don't quit a job but wait to get fired.

Guys may never officially say good-bye. Their bodies are there but they have been long gone. Makes no sense to me but I've seen in many, many times. He has officially left the building.

Been guilty of this

 

[tyrablu]

In my experience when there is inappropriate contact/behavior with exes, you need to run not walk away.

 

[Mis007]

that says....

"Even though I can't be there, I want to send these as my representative. I want your first set of flowers to be from someone who truly loves you"

If there is a connection it does not have to get physical.
If his girlfriend is hurt by it ~~~~ It is cheating.

Just a matter of time before it gets physical.

 

[natural_one]

If there is a connection it does not have to get physical.
If his girlfriend is hurt by it ~~~~ It is cheating.

Just a matter of time before it gets physical.

And that's the crazy thing. He has told her before that even though they have been broken up since college she has always been the in between girl, so whenever he isnt in a relationship they have a sexual relationship, but he doesnt seem to understand why she is so upset about the flowers In this situation I dont know who is crazier, her or the ex.

 

[Fine 4s]

In my experience when there is inappropriate contact/behavior with exes, you need to run not walk away.

But what's inappropriate differs from person to person.
Again, re-assurance that you're number one and transparency can make something like this not be as much of an issue IMHO.

 

[faithVA]

But what's inappropriate differs from person to person.
Again, re-assurance that you're number one and transparency can make something like this not be as much of an issue IMHO.

If our relationship was cool (in this case it isn't) and he just sent her some flowers and said Happy Birthday and there was the transparency you spoke of, it wouldn't phase me.

But this relationship is already rocky, he is doing something for someone else that he doesn't do for her and the note said

"Even though I can't be there, I want to send these as my representative. I want your first set of flowers to be from someone who truly loves you"

Now I would let a person overlook what they want to and lead their life anyway they want. But if she asked me, I would tell her what I've already said. "Your relationship is over. This man is not yours." And she knows it already. If it wasn't a big deal she never would have mentioned it.

 

[laprima]

He told her it was for her birthday. He said the ex told him she never received flowers before and he felt bad. So I guess he felt it was his responsibility to send them to her erplexed

Shoot, then why didn't he give the ex flowers when they were an item?

 

[Fine 4s]

Response in blue:

If our relationship was cool (in this case it isn't) and he just sent her some flowers and said Happy Birthday and there was the transparency you spoke of, it wouldn't phase me.
Yup, wouldn't phase me either especially if we were tight.

But this relationship is already rocky, he is doing something for someone else that he doesn't do for her and the note said
Hmmm....I wouldn't assume that the entire relationship is rocky, I don't have enough information to go by. A lot of times when things are bad, we make it seem like it's the worse and we forget all the other positives (not saying specifically here but in general- which is why I can't qualify this relationship in any way.)

I can only comment on the actions, everything else is just...that. Everything else.

Now I would let a person overlook what they want to and lead their life anyway they want. But if she asked me, I would tell her what I've already said. "Your relationship is over. This man is not yours." And she knows it already. If it wasn't a big deal she never would have mentioned it.

LOL!
Sometimes we come here to vent, sometimes to get another person's (people's lol) opinion or just because we're bored and want to chat etc. etc. Many many reasons why folks would come to run stuff by us. And let's not forget, she's not the one who brought it up, her friend did!

 

[faithVA]

Response in blue:

LOL!
Sometimes we come here to vent, sometimes to get another person's (people's lol) opinion or just because we're bored and want to chat etc. etc. Many many reasons why folks would come to run stuff by us. And let's not forget, she's not the one who brought it up, her friend did!

I didn't say she asked me. I said "IF" she did ask me, this is what I would say. I realize that the post was not originated by the woman. But she mentioned it to her friend. And yes I am basing all my commentary on the hypothetical situation offered by OP. And based on the multi post by OP, the relationship is rocky. It doesn't mean that it will end, it just means that it isn't at a point where the person OP is referring to feels secure to overlook the issue.

 

[Klearli]

And that's the crazy thing. He has told her before that even though they have been broken up since college she has always been the in between girl, so whenever he isnt in a relationship they have a sexual relationship, but he doesnt seem to understand why she is so upset about the flowers In this situation I dont know who is crazier, her or the ex.

Ugh. I could scream. He's not gonna understand because his own interests come first. Basically he's sent the ex flowers to make sure her pu$$ is still available if need be. Whatever he's telling your friend...she's just setting herself up for failure. After him she needs to make a pact with herself not to talk to men with best friends, or who still communicate with ex's. I'm not saying all men are doing bad things with BFFs or an ex...but me personally...I don't even feel like wondering. If you have a female bestie or an ex you still talk to, deals off.

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[natural_one]

^^I have been talking to her on and off today and she feels that because of all the things that have happened in the past, it made this issue look even worse. She said for the most part they have a good relationship (her words not mine erplexed), so she doesnt want to throw it all away. I told her since that is the case, then maybe they just need a break to sort out what they are feeling.

Now, I dont necessarily agree with this but if she is trying to salvage her relationship, what do you guys suggest she do?

 

[faithVA]

Now, I dont necessarily agree with this but if she is trying to salvage her relationship, what do you guys suggest she do?

I am going to listen and learn from the pros on this one.

 

[natural_one]

I am going to listen and learn from the pros on this one.

I want everyone's opinion! Not just the "pros"

 

[faithVA]

I want everyone's opinion! Not just the "pros"

I don't have anything positive to add. I already said she doesn't have a relationship so I don't see how you can salvage something you don't have. I didn't read anything in the posts that says this man cares one way or the other. So someone who sees a relationship to salvage really has to post on this.

 

[SmileyNY]

I came in here ready go off! That is foul!!

...Then I started feeling like a hypocrite My ex is one of my best friends. We are very close & it's not unusual for him to write "I love you" on a birthday card... he even says it on the phone sometimes. I know it's hard to believe, but our relationship is STRICTLY platonic. We haven't been intimate since we were together and that was yearsss ago. We value our friendship & are not interested in anything romantic.

However, I know that would be very... extremely hard for an SO to believe. He's not involved with anyone right now... Well, at least not anyone he's serious about

However, the next time he or I get serious with someone, I'll def suggest that we watch how we express our platonic feelings for one another. What's completely innocent to us, could sound extremely scandalous to others.

 

[Klearli]

Salvage it??????????????????????????


Ok. She needs to demand respect. Either he can cut ties with the ex or cut ties with her. Tell her don't fall for it when it says he doesn't want to hurt the ex's feelings. Tell her don't fall for it when he says ok, he willl cut ties, but he needs 'time' to do it. And don't fall for it when he wants to wait until he sees ex in person to tell her because she'll be devastated. Don't fall for the ex being suicidal, or having no one else if he stops talking to her. Don't fall for "if you loved me you wouldn't make me choose." Sorry ninja, life is about choices.

He needs to call ex right in front of her, and say sorry girl, my girlfriend isn't comfortable with our relationship. I'm going to have to sever communication in order to salvage our relationship. I care for you, but I care for her more. Please understand.

And if he can't do it...then OP your friend needs to be strong and work on finding someone who will put her first. Selfish men aren't for marrying. She's too old to waste her time on an ol selfish man who obviously thinks she's a dummy.

ETA~the reason I say cut it off is because they still have an on again off again sexual relationship. Not cool.

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[MzLady78]

^^I have been talking to her on and off today and she feels that because of all the things that have happened in the past, it made this issue look even worse. She said for the most part they have a good relationship (her words not mine erplexed), so she doesnt want to throw it all away. I told her since that is the case, then maybe they just need a break to sort out what they are feeling.

Now, I dont necessarily agree with this but if she is trying to salvage her relationship, what do you guys suggest she do?

There's nothing to salvage and whether or not she'll admit it out loud, she knows this deep down.

 

[MzLady78]

Salvage it??????????????????????????


Ok. She needs to demand respect. Either he can cut ties with the ex or cut ties with her. Tell her don't fall for it when it says he doesn't want to hurt the ex's feelings. Tell her don't fall for it when he says ok, he willl cut ties, but he needs 'time' to do it. And don't fall for it when he wants to wait until he sees ex in person to tell her because she'll be devastated. Don't fall for the ex being suicidal, or having no one else if he stops talking to her. Don't fall for "if you loved me you wouldn't make me choose." Sorry ninja, life is about choices.

He needs to call ex right in front of her, and say sorry girl, my girlfriend isn't comfortable with our relationship. I'm going to have to sever communication in order to salvage our relationship. I care for you, but I care for her more. Please understand.

And if he can't do it...then OP your friend needs to be strong and work on finding someone who will put her first. Selfish men aren't for marrying. She's too old to waste her time on an ol selfish man who obviously thinks she's a dummy.

ETA~the reason I say cut it off is because they still have an on again off again sexual relationship. Not cool.

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Overall I would agree, but I honestly think the situation with the ex is just a little part of a larger issue. There has been nothing posted to suggest that he is even remotely invested in this woman. I know what being in a relationship by yourself looks like from experience, and that's exactly what's going on here, IMO.

The more she does to try to get him where she is, the worse is gonna get.

 

[Windsy]

^^I have been talking to her on and off today and she feels that because of all the things that have happened in the past, it made this issue look even worse. She said for the most part they have a good relationship (her words not mine erplexed), so she doesnt want to throw it all away. I told her since that is the case, then maybe they just need a break to sort out what they are feeling.

Now, I dont necessarily agree with this but if she is trying to salvage her relationship, what do you guys suggest she do?

Salvage what? is it even a relationship.....smh

Well, she could bring up this situation up and use it as a forum to have the other concerns addressed (lack of interest on his part). She could use this to see if he'll be honest about how he truly feels about her or let her know where the [relationship] is going.

 

[nappystorm]

^^I have been talking to her on and off today and she feels that because of all the things that have happened in the past, it made this issue look even worse. She said for the most part they have a good relationship (her words not mine erplexed), so she doesnt want to throw it all away. I told her since that is the case, then maybe they just need a break to sort out what they are feeling.

Now, I dont necessarily agree with this but if she is trying to salvage her relationship, what do you guys suggest she do?

Are you sure this is your "friend's" dilemma, OP?

 

[natural_one]

Thanks Ladies! I'll past all this on. I really want her to let him go cause she hasn't felt really happy with him for a long time, so I feel she is hanging on because of fear of being alone or just because its familiar. IDK..either way, this isnt a healthy relationship but it is her decision, but I just hope she makes the right one