He didn't even get me a Christmas card

[makeupgirl]

One thing is for sure, you have a beautiful heart and you are a giver. Another thing is for sure, you have just been taught that he has just proven that he's may or may not in the future may never give you anything. He may a) have someone on the side that he feels that is more worthy 2) he's cheap 3) he's just not that into you. My advice is to keep on considering him as not a boyfriend. Keep him in the friend zone. If you are already investing romantic like feelings towards him, let him go now while you stil can. Something is on the blink and him not giving you something simple as a Christmas card just showed you just that.

 

[TayMac]

Nice gift but it doesn't explain why it was late. He looked at you like you were nuts so you would FEEL nuts for asking but it was a valid question and he gave you a crap answer. I'm glad he got you something but what does it all mean?

I wouldn't say get rid of him/cut him off but don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

[aribell]

I'm with whoever asked before--What does the op actually want from this man? I couldn't tell whether she was upset because it just sucks to go out of your way for someone and not get anything in return, or whether the gift was an expression of deep emotional feeling and she wanted a similar expression in return.

Whether his faux pas or save was significant depends on what she wants from this and if she's okay with the pace, right?

Also, op said that they had verbally agreed to exchange gifts...so him saying "You knew I was getting you something" may not have been an attempt to manipulate her feelings. But I can be very lackadaisical about gift-giving timelines, so the delay doesn't look outrageous to me--not necessarily at least.

 

[aribell]

Not all advice is gonna fit everyone and it amazes me how much people and their situation are put in a nutshell. You do whats best for you. Ya'll sound like ya'll been doing gifts from day one and its ya'll language of love It sounds like he really does like you ALOT and your gift could have been delayed for many reasons...why you'll never know...maybe he had a quick financial quirk, or maybe he truly was thinking of a perfect gift and was making sure he didn't look cheap etc....etc...etc...It was late ok...so what? give him a pass...he didn't think no more about it than what your putting into it as he wasn't thinking Xmas was just do or die...he probably thinking your birthday/valentines day is way more important. Women tend to put wayyyyy more emphasis on holidays/gifts then Men do anyways....

I think you have a rare find and even though he gave you a nutty look I hope he doesn't start to think you are...keep doing ya'll and enjoy what you have cause its not many out there and if you want to start transitioning away from expensive priced gifts maybe you can start doing more "sentimental" gifts that are inexpensive...you just have to become more creative! But I wouldn't start ?'ing him/motives and etc....I didn't read anything about him being a "bad boyfriend" or giving you those vibes that he's living a double life or anything...so I just say keep dating and having a good time (and by the way there ain't no limit on time dating you talk about being exclusive whenever you decide the timing is right...)...do you.

I'd be interested to hear women's stories of various ways their SOs have messed up in one way or the other during dating and/or marriage--but they're still happily with them. I think it happens a lot more than people generally talk about. When we're actually in the situation, we see the whole person, their track record, the context, the vibe we're getting from them, and how they make us feel at the end of the day.

Then we talk to someone from the outside, and that one mistake is all they know of this person, and they're being judged on this one thing...which may or may not be fair and may be unnecessarily harsh. And the whole man/woman divide can come into play a lot. I remember once harping to a friend of mine about something this guy did or didn't do right, and her boyfriend (now husband) just told both of us, "Stop judging him!" He was a great bf and is a great husband whose perspective I trust, and we were coming to all these conclusions about this guy's motives, perspective, etc. that really hadn't been proven.

So, what I take from the above quote is that only the person in the relationship knows what's really up and whether they should stick with it.

 

[chelleypie810]

So, what I take from the above quote is that only the person in the relationship knows what's really up and whether they should stick with it.

That's what me and my friends always say! No one really knows your relationship but you. We also say that most likely your not gonna like the boy were talking to because we always tell eachother how they messed up but not the nice things they do. My boyfriend didn't get me anything for my 21st birthday which was in August until christmas. We've been dating for a year and some change now. I was really mad at him but I also know he's been having money issues and he always told me how he was trying to do little stuff like buying me flowers, bringing me candy and cake to feed my terrible sweet tooth. And I didn't realize how he was doing all that little stuff until i got really upset about the gift thing and he yelled at me about how he was trying and trying to make up for it by doing smaller things. My b/f loves me very much and I can tell that he does so not giving me a gift was very minor. Although it didn't seem like that to me at the time I realized that there was more important things in the relationship that he was doing for me..so maybe op's relationship is based on something different. You never know..

 

[foxxymami]

wait...i must have missed one of your posts, although I read through this entire thread.

did another poster mention that you two did not spend Christmas together?

i think i read too fast

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I'd be interested to hear women's stories of various ways their SOs have messed up in one way or the other during dating and/or marriage--but they're still happily with them. I think it happens a lot more than people generally talk about. When we're actually in the situation, we see the whole person, their track record, the context, the vibe we're getting from them, and how they make us feel at the end of the day.

Then we talk to someone from the outside, and that one mistake is all they know of this person, and they're being judged on this one thing...which may or may not be fair and may be unnecessarily harsh. And the whole man/woman divide can come into play a lot. I remember once harping to a friend of mine about something this guy did or didn't do right, and her boyfriend (now husband) just told both of us, "Stop judging him!" He was a great bf and is a great husband whose perspective I trust, and we were coming to all these conclusions about this guy's motives, perspective, etc. that really hadn't been proven.

So, what I take from the above quote is that only the person in the relationship knows what's really up and whether they should stick with it.

This is why I love you!!!....wait no girl on girl ....but you hit the nail on the e-head...

 

[UmSumayyah]

I'm unconvinced. I still think dude is playing weird games, getting diamond earrings, WEEKS LATE, as a CHRISTMAS PRESENT, for a woman who's in a nebulous relationship category.

She's off balance and unsure generally, it seems.

When she brough up her concerns, instead of a simple "I'm sorry this was late", acknowledging the validity of her feelings, she got a crazy look.

But, all this is text on a message board to me. I'm not involved with dude so she can do as she likes, take advice or ignore it. :kanyeshrug:

 

[MissYocairis]

Over time, I've read comments that were more definitive as it relates to principles of human nature and men and women in romantic relationships from many on this board. Sure...every individual is different and each couple is unique in many ways. That is a given. BUT...when you are dating someone in those early stages before the two of you decide to get serious about each other (and there is intimacy involved)....it's important to pay attention to what exactly you are doing with a person and what you expect from them. Be clear about what you want to see showing up in your life.

Dealing with an older man who is on the road traveling and non-committal could result in OP waking up one day, a year later, and realizing she loves this guy, he's been a perfect gentleman towards her, he's been honest and up-front the entire time and he's generous...and yet....he still dates other women and sleeps with them too. Now...if OP is cool with an arrangement like that...then fine...."don't believe the hype".

However, if OP is growing to a place where she's marriage-minded and has a certain personal goal for marriage and family in her own life, then she cannot and should NOT discount the myriad of advice and lists and rules and books and blogs and youtubes and advice that explore why you cannot just freely give of yourself, your time and your energy all willy nilly to a man without some boundaries.

It is easy to get caught up when you ignore things that truly bother you because you don't want to be presumptuous. I think Christmas was for the OP what it is for many new couples...a crossroads of sorts. An event that gets parties considering where this thing is really going or not.

 

[tigereyes83]

oh wow... I'm not looking to get married any time soon lol. I just thought it was thoughtless for him not even to mention it. but he' s like that. He's a very nonchalant person and I can be the same way sometimes. He always gets on me for not expressing on how I really feel sometime. Anywho it typically takess me 8-9 months to figure out if I want to be exclusive with someone so him not being my boyfriend does not bother me. I'm not off balance or unsure in anyway shape or form. I know exactly what I want and what to do to get. I'm not pressed in no way for a man I'm happy with the sitiuation especially since we understand each other life and jobs. ( we work in the same industry)

 

[kismettt]

oh wow... I'm not looking to get married any time soon lol. I just thought it was thoughtless for him not even to mention it. but he' s like that. He's a very nonchalant person and I can be the same way sometimes. He always gets on me for not expressing on how I really feel sometime. Anywho it typically takess me 8-9 months to figure out if I want to be exclusive with someone so him not being my boyfriend does not bother me. I'm not off balance or unsure in anyway shape or form. I know exactly what I want and what to do to get. I'm not pressed in no way for a man I'm happy with the sitiuation especially since we understand each other life and jobs. ( we work in the same industry)

i love how this has turned into "WHY AREN'T YOU TWO TALKING MARRIAGE??? DAMN BETTER TO HAVE A PIECE OF A MAN THAN NOT HAVE ONE AT ALL"


sometimes i just think some on here take all their hang ups/issues & project them onto other people even though that was not quite the orignal question

 

[TayMac]

No offense tigereyes but you were mad (upset enough to post anyway) that he didn't get you anything and ready to reevaluate the whole situation 'til he popped up late with those diamond earrings...

 

[Bunny77]

i love how this has turned into "WHY AREN'T YOU TWO TALKING MARRIAGE??? DAMN BETTER TO HAVE A PIECE OF A MAN THAN NOT HAVE ONE AT ALL"


sometimes i just think some on here take all their hang ups/issues & project them onto other people even though that was not quite the orignal question

I don't think anyone stated the bolded, although if I missed it, please show me... this thread got long!

She doesn't have to be talking marriage at all. The point that people were making was, what does she want from this man? If she IS dating for marriage (not necessarily now, but dating to find someone marriage-minded), then she needs to get a handle on exactly what's going on with this... six-month non-exclusive kinda-sorta relationship where expensive gifts are exchanged, but when he didn't give a Christmas gift and she did, she got pissed... thing.

Now, if she's cool with what's going on and the pace of it, I say go on ahead and do your thing. But as someone mentioned, she posted about it, which meant she was upset by him missing a Christmas gift... which led to us asking what were her expectations from this man.

No one said or implied that she needed to be looking at marrying this guy -- although if she sees a future with him, she might want to get more clarity about their expectations for each other. 'Tis all.

 

[tigereyes83]

No offense tigereyes but you were mad (upset enough to post anyway) that he didn't get you anything and ready to reevaluate the whole situation 'til he popped up late with those diamond earrings...

Oh I was upset and it did make me rethink the situation but I was just overeacting as usual. But the posts on this thread made my vent turn into why are you not in a commited relationship with a ring on your finger type of thread which wasn't the case at all

 

[antisocial]

Oh I was upset and it did make me rethink the situation but I was just overeacting as usual. But the posts on this thread made my vent turn into why are you not in a commited relationship with a ring on your finger type of thread which wasn't the case at all

I understand what you're saying...but I don't think anybody was really saying that you need to be in a commited relationship with a ring on your finger. It's more like you need to establish and be clear with where you are with this man before spending $150 on him and ending up with egg on your face when you get nothing in return.

 

[UmSumayyah]

OP, the important thing is that you are satisfied with how the situation resolved.

 

[Bachelorette]

No offense tigereyes but you were mad (upset enough to post anyway) that he didn't get you anything

Lol I think that's cos SHE bought he something. Relationship or not, I think anyone would be upset to spend money on something and not get ish in return esp when they agreed to.

 

[HoneyA]

UPDATE: He got me a pair of diamond earrings. I asked why so late he said he wanted to make sure it was the perfect gift.

Cool! Good thing you waited it out without blowing up. If you all normally exchange gifts it made no sense to me why he wouldn't get you something for Christmas. He could have said he was still looking for the perfect gift on December 25, but hey, most guys aren't whizz kids when it comes to communication. Enjoy your earrings!

 

[Evo-ny]

I feel your pain, a few years ago I bought my SO a white gold chain for his birthday because his silver ones kept tarnishing. The thing set me back $300, and the saleslady even gave me a discount. Normally it would've run me about $375! Few months later, my birthday rolls around. Couple bags of candy (not even wrapped, they were still in the grocery bag!). Probably ran him $15-20 at the most.

Needless to say, I was pissed. And still am.

 

[NYAmicas]

I feel your pain, a few years ago I bought my SO a white gold chain for his birthday because his silver ones kept tarnishing. The thing set me back $300, and the saleslady even gave me a discount. Normally it would've run me about $375! Few months later, my birthday rolls around. Couple bags of candy (not even wrapped, they were still in the grocery bag!). Probably ran him $15-20 at the most.

Needless to say, I was pissed. And still am.

Say what?! Got me pissed too!

 

[Bachelorette]

I feel your pain, a few years ago I bought my SO a white gold chain for his birthday because his silver ones kept tarnishing. The thing set me back $300, and the saleslady even gave me a discount. Normally it would've run me about $375! Few months later, my birthday rolls around. Couple bags of candy (not even wrapped, they were still in the grocery bag!). Probably ran him $15-20 at the most.

Needless to say, I was pissed. And still am.

why am I looking for "ex" somewhere in this paragraph?

Hope it made up for it since then?

 

[Bunny77]

I must be a real el cheapo because some of these gift prices are making me go

I probably spent close to $150 combined on the Christmas and birthday gifts for my boyfriend of eight months. (His b-day and Christmas are less than a month apart.) He was cool with everything. Shoot, I got some of it at a big discount on Rue La La!

Nothing more to say... just wanted to share!

 

[Evo-ny]

why am I looking for "ex" somewhere in this paragraph?

Hope it made up for it since then?

Ex as soon as I gather enough courage to end it. Like a fool I thought he was gonna change. He's trying, but it's way too late for that ish now.

(Our last anniversary dinner was at subway... because apparently I took too long to get there and he was hungry and didn't want to wait in a restaurant. Here I was trying to pick out a $30 shirt and I was rewarded with a $3 sandwich.)

 

[JustKiya]

Ex as soon as I gather enough courage to end it. Like a fool I thought he was gonna change. He's trying, but it's way too late for that ish now.

(Our last anniversary dinner was at subway... because apparently I took too long to get there and he was hungry and didn't want to wait in a restaurant. Here I was trying to pick out a $30 shirt and I was rewarded with a $3 sandwich.)

Why are you scared?

 

[softblackcotton]

I'm not the kind of person who gives to receive, but I do certainly appreciate a little genuine acknowledgement or effort on my bdays, Xmas, and one day when I have a real SO Valentine's day (I'm a hopeless romantic in my daydreams) I had something similar happen to me with this guy I've been kind of talking and going out with since March 2009. I really respect my friends b-days and I consider him a friend right now, if things go well maybe we could be exclusive.
I'm taking EXTREMELY slow to let him get closer to me so I could feel him out because I've seen how these men can be. On his b-day in Oct I treated him to a $65 lunch with gift and card included. He told me I was the only one to give him something for his bday. I know this seems crazy since we were not anything near a real couple, we've only kissed twice and that's strictly it since we started talking in March, however, we were talking on the phone almost daily since then seeing each other only once/twice a month if lucky. Plus, he is the only guy that I'm talking to like that. He calls me 98% of the time. However come mid-November he stops calling so frequently and fails to return my calls/texts until after 2 days and on Christmas he didn't even call/text until I texted him Merry Christmas. He answered back Merry Christmas and that was that. Hmmm...strange fruit if you ask me.
My b-day is coming up at the end of the month and I'm afraid. I made sure to take it off facebook, because since I remembered his bday I hope he remembered mine(plus I don't want a million people I don't know writing happy b-day and asking what I am going to. I have no plans yet for my 25th bday) We only talked about bdays a million times on the phone. He can afford to take me out with his well-paying job, however, I would just like to see an acknowlegement call me and wish me a Happy Birthday maybe send a card. I've always had problems with friends/relatives/colleagues other than my parents and two best friends from college acknowledging my bday even though I go out of my way to celebrate their's. It also made me feel worse when I go on facebook and see all my colleagues showing off Xmas presents they got from their SO's *sigh*

 

[vevster]

I'm not the kind of person who gives to receive, but I do appreciate a little genuine acknowledgement or effort on my bdays, Xmas, and one day when I have a real SO Valentine's day (I'm a hopeless romantic in my daydreams) I had something similar happen to me with this guy I've been kind of talking and going out with since March 2009. I really respect my friends b-days and I consider him a friend right now, if things go well maybe we could be exclusive. I'm taking EXTREMELY slow to let him get closer to me so I could feel him out because I've seen how these men can be. On his b-day in Oct I treated him to a $65 lunch with gift and card included. I know this seems crazy since we were not anything near a real couple, we've only kissed twice and that's strictly it since we started talking in March, however, we were talking on the phone almost daily since then seeing each other only once/twice a month if lucky. He calls me 98% of the time. However come mid-November he stops calling so frequently and fails to return my calls/texts until after 2 days and on Christmas he didn't even call/text until I texted him Merry Christmas. He answered back Merry Christmas and that was that. My b-day is coming up at the end of the month and I'm afraid. I made sure to take it off facebook, because since I remembered his bday I hope he remembered mine(plus I don't want a million people I don't know writing happy b-day and asking what I am going to. I have no plans yet for my 25th bday) We only talked about bdays a million times on the phone. He can afford to take me out with his well-paying job, however, I would just like to see an acknowlegement call me and wish me a Happy Birthday maybe send a card. I've always had problems with friends/relatives other than my parents acknowledging my bday even though I go out of my way to celebrate their's. It also made me feel worse when I go on facebook and see all my colleagues showing off Xmas presents they got from their SO's *sigh*

See the answer above in bold. I don't think you s/b expecting anything....

 

[Poohbear]

I'm not the kind of person who gives to receive, but I do certainly appreciate a little genuine acknowledgement or effort on my bdays, Xmas, and one day when I have a real SO Valentine's day (I'm a hopeless romantic in my daydreams) I had something similar happen to me with this guy I've been kind of talking and going out with since March 2009. I really respect my friends b-days and I consider him a friend right now, if things go well maybe we could be exclusive.
I'm taking EXTREMELY slow to let him get closer to me so I could feel him out because I've seen how these men can be. On his b-day in Oct I treated him to a $65 lunch with gift and card included. He told me I was the only one to give him something for his bday. I know this seems crazy since we were not anything near a real couple, we've only kissed twice and that's strictly it since we started talking in March, however, we were talking on the phone almost daily since then seeing each other only once/twice a month if lucky. He calls me 98% of the time. However come mid-November he stops calling so frequently and fails to return my calls/texts until after 2 days and on Christmas he didn't even call/text until I texted him Merry Christmas. He answered back Merry Christmas and that was that.
My b-day is coming up at the end of the month and I'm afraid. I made sure to take it off facebook, because since I remembered his bday I hope he remembered mine(plus I don't want a million people I don't know writing happy b-day and asking what I am going to. I have no plans yet for my 25th bday) We only talked about bdays a million times on the phone. He can afford to take me out with his well-paying job, however, I would just like to see an acknowlegement call me and wish me a Happy Birthday maybe send a card. I've always had problems with friends/relatives/colleagues other than my parents and two best friends from college acknowledging my bday even though I go out of my way to celebrate their's. It also made me feel worse when I go on facebook and see all my colleagues showing off Xmas presents they got from their SO's *sigh*

Sorry to be blunt here but after reading your story, it reminded me of an experience. I believe he has a girlfriend and has lost interest in you. If I were you, DROP HIM WITH A QUICKNESS! SERIOUSLY! Don't worry about him remembering your birthday. And you may see people on Facebook getting Christmas presents from their SO's... this guy you're talking to isn't your SO!

 

[softblackcotton]

See the answer above in bold. I don't think you s/b expecting anything....

Sorry to be blunt here but after reading your story, it reminded me of an experience. I believe he has a girlfriend and has lost interest in you. If I were you, DROP HIM WITH A QUICKNESS! SERIOUSLY! Don't worry about him remembering your birthday. And you may see people on Facebook getting Christmas presents from their SO's... this guy you're talking to isn't your SO!

My logical side came to these realizations long ago, but the dummy part of mind stubbornly refuses to accept the truth. I think this is a chronic problem for many women.

 

[*Frisky*]

No offense tigereyes but you were mad (upset enough to post anyway) that he didn't get you anything and ready to reevaluate the whole situation 'til he popped up late with those diamond earrings...

Right..were the earrings really nice? i.e carat size? That would possibly make a difference

 

[butter_pecan]

You broke about three rules. You should get "Why Men Love *****es" by Sherry Argov and it'll explain to you what went wrong. But basically if you HAD to buy a guy you're Dating(not boyfriend) a gift, you should have got him something like some ear mufffs or a pair of socks and worked up to the $150 gift when he becomes your main man.

You have to take baby steps with men with everything.

I'm feeling dude though... I probably wouldn't have bought someone I was casually dating an xmas gift. When you become my man, you have my back I have yours and we're in this together - then you'll get a gift, until then that $150 would be spent on me.

Thank you! Our 1st Christmas together, I didn't buy my FH much. But I felt a little bad, 'cause he got me Swarovski crystal earrings. erplexed.

Oh well! . He is well taken care of, now.