Birthday Gifts from SO

[blkbeauty]

What kind of conclusions have your mind been leading you to?

Well, my mind questions how he really feels. He says alot, but words are just words, right? We do spend alot of time together, hang out and have good conversations. The reason I question if he is that "into" me rest on two things: One the way he treated his ex 2.) If I am his type look wise. He is White and the women from his ex or TV that he find attractive are non black white women with dark hair...think Demi Moore. I am the first Blk woman he has dated. So I dunno!

When I told him how disappointed I was about the dinner gift, I told him this makes me question how he really feel. If he felt a certain way, then be truthful and do not take me for a good ride just to keep me near.

 

[nychaelasymone]

Well, my mind questions how he really feels. He says alot, but words are just words, right? We do spend alot of time together, hang out and have good conversations. The reason I question if he is that "into" me rest on two things: One the way he treated his ex 2.) If I am his type look wise. He is White and the women from his ex or TV that he find attractive are non black white women with dark hair...think Demi Moore. I am the first Blk woman he has dated. So I dunno!

When I told him how disappointed I was about the dinner gift, I told him this makes me question how he really feel. If he felt a certain way, then be truthful and do not take me for a good ride just to keep me near.

I hate to say this but he is not that in to you. White, black or purple, if he was that in to you, EVERYTHING...would show that he cares. His intentions may sometimes miss the mark but you would know from his heart that he tried. Life is short! He can't be your man behind closed doors and expect you to be his friend in public (based on what I've read, it seems he gives you what you 'want' when you're at home....cooks for you, has good conversations with you, etc.)......cut it. Theres a man out there waiting to give you everything but you can't receive it unless you close that door. I may be a little harsh with my words but don't second guess yourself. You are your best lover....that's how people know how to respect and love you tooo, by how you treat and think about yourself. "Woman-up" and make your expectations known and don't make any mistakes for feeling how you feel...if he can't give you what you want...there is someone else who will.......

Personally, I'd tell him "Deuces Fool" but you know your situation better than any of us....take my suggestions for whatever they are worth

 

[KEIONI'S MOM]

I hate to say this but he is not that in to you. White, black or purple, if he was that in to you, EVERYTHING...would show that he cares. His intentions may sometimes miss the mark but you would know from his heart that he tried. Life is short! He can't be your man behind closed doors and expect you to be his friend in public (based on what I've read, it seems he gives you what you 'want' when you're at home....cooks for you, has good conversations with you, etc.)......cut it. Theres a man out there waiting to give you everything but you can't receive it unless you close that door. I may be a little harsh with my words but don't second guess yourself. You are your best lover....that's how people know how to respect and love you tooo, by how you treat and think about yourself. "Woman-up" and make your expectations known and don't make any mistakes for feeling how you feel...if he can't give you what you want...there is someone else who will.......

Personally, I'd tell him "Deuces Fool" but you know your situation better than any of us....take my suggestions for whatever they are worth

BRAVO VERY WELL SAID and I couldn't agree with you more......a man who doesn't take pride in you will not take pride in the relationship...I hope that he is just clueless but if you continue to see that he isn't putting forth the effort you deserve I suggest you move on too a more willing participant. JMHO

BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!fellow Libra

 

[Caramela]

Usually he pays for everything when we go out. Very seldom, unless it is something I suggested then I will pay. Christmas last year he bought me a jacket. The jacket was non-expensive, but I didn't care, because we were just a few months into our relationship. But for Valentines Day - another dinner.

As far as the gifts, he's bought me flowers twice, only because he thought I was upset with him. He bought my cat a closed-in litter box, because he can't stand the smell of her litter. He cooks for me constantly and he is a great cook.

Unless he doesn't have a job, or he's 12 ... then ... this... is... ridiculous.
Sorry, hon. I hope you don't give him the cookies, because this behavior is sub-par to say the least. He's doing the bare minimum. The minimum behavior gets minimum reward. I might let a guy talk to me on the phone with this type of treatment. Seriously. Something to think about. Most men, M-E-N, would step a little harder than this. Is he your boyfriend? Or just a buddy?

 

[blkbeauty]

I hate to say this but he is not that in to you. White, black or purple, if he was that in to you, EVERYTHING...would show that he cares. His intentions may sometimes miss the mark but you would know from his heart that he tried. Life is short! He can't be your man behind closed doors and expect you to be his friend in public (based on what I've read, it seems he gives you what you 'want' when you're at home....cooks for you, has good conversations with you, etc.)......cut it. Theres a man out there waiting to give you everything but you can't receive it unless you close that door. I may be a little harsh with my words but don't second guess yourself. You are your best lover....that's how people know how to respect and love you tooo, by how you treat and think about yourself. "Woman-up" and make your expectations known and don't make any mistakes for feeling how you feel...if he can't give you what you want...there is someone else who will.......

Personally, I'd tell him "Deuces Fool" but you know your situation better than any of us....take my suggestions for whatever they are worth

Thanks for this honest advice. I am going to keep my eye on him to see just how things go. Hopefully this was just a slight slip from him, but we will see IF time goes on between us.

 

[kandake]

How old is he.

I would expect those restaurant choices from a teenager or a broke college student but not from a grown man. Especially not for a celebratory dinner.

 

[tarheelgurl]

Did you pick the chicken finger meal or did he suggest it?

 

[Vanity1]

Umm, I am sorry but red flag would be telling me how much he showered his EX with gifts. Unless ya'll were on a subject totally in line with this to come up, and on equal terms, I don't understand how it would. That is a faux pas. erplexed

 

[Te'TahHead]

IMO...

WHAT do you want? Because HOW is he supposed to know and it seems like YOU don't know.

Just tell him what you want.
ex: "Hey babe.. I saw this Tennis Bracelet at ____x. Can you get it for me for my birthday"

I have to straight up do my man like that because he will A
1) Go to the mall (This is a big no no for me anyway) and walk around all day, then become irritated and get me something he sees another woman look good in
2) Get me a giftcard (big no no)
3) Give me the money (Big no no, especially since I have access to his funds)

I have one of those men you just gotta cut the chase and be honest.

 

[fattyfatfat]

wait.

you were showered with beautiful gifts from people who love you, and all you received from your SO was a $6.99 chicken meal and some fries?! how old is he. I read this thread backwards and thought that whatever he did, wasnt that bad. now that I read your original post, you need to let him go.

Sunday I turned the wonderful 30 years old. Most of my friends either greeted me with a call, gift or email. My mother gave me a nice check and I went shopping. My sister bought me a laptop that I have been eyeing (I have to get her something big in return), my job gave me cake and icecream. My co-workers took me out for drinks, but my SO just took me to TGIF. I am happy that I got my $6.99 chicken finger meal with some fries to add to it. But I was quite disappointed, especially because for his birthday I gave him a pretty generous gift that he needed.

We have been together a little over a year so far things has been good, but it makes me wonder can the value of a gift show a person’s love for you. He told me countless stories about how he flourished his ex with gifts for birthday, Christmas, etc. so I am not sure how I feel about my $6.99 chicken finger dinner.

By the way, I have talked to him about it and he said that he thought that was all that I wanted! I like to eat, but come on!

Ladies, what are your intake on this?

 

[Butterfly08]

Does he pay for the food he is cooking or is it the food that is in your house? I ask this because it sounds as if he is getting off easy in several departments. He just got a promotion and all he does is take you to TGIF. I would have gotten the most EXSPENSIVE thing on the menu and two desserts to go...for real. I agree with Browndilocks, you have to got to teach people how to treat you and this is one of those cases. Tell him how you really feel.

Right!

Did you pick the chicken finger meal or did he suggest it?

This is my question as well!

 

[wonderstar]

Do you know his true feelings about interracial relationships, specifically with black women?

 

[STLCoverGirl]

OP, I can tell from your writing that you're a sweet person. Honestly, it sounds like he's been half stepping because he could get away with it....taking your kindness as weakness. You deserve much better. I hope he straightens up.

ITA, I have been in the same boat, where men take your kindness for weakness. You should really speak up and if he doesn't shape up, move on. There are men out there that will appreciate the sweet person you are...believe me.

 

[MJ]

That's insulting!

OP, I don't think this mad intends to have a long-term relationship with you.

How can he treat you like that! How dare he! You sound like a really nice person OP but you're being too nice.

 

[Tee]

IMO - you need to tell him and tell it to him straight: NOT to be treating your birthday as some insignificant 6.99 meal. Not saying that he's a bad person but I firmly believe that this is one of those moments where you have to teach a person how to treat you. DO NOT let him get away with treating your birthday like a regular old Friday night. It is a significant event...YOUR significant event - and should be handled significantly! If he is not hurting for money and can actually put in a better effort for your special day, you need to make it clear to him that anything less is unacceptable!

You ain't gotta get me nothin for christmas, vday, whatever. But you ain't neva' bout to half-step on MY birthday bruh.

Some people really have to learn that.

I could not have said it any better. OP, you have to make him do better or he will continue to do as he is doing because he thinks it's acceptable. You can't allow that behavior unless it's something you plan to allow for the rest of your relationship . You gotta put your foot down. What better time than NOW.

 

[Te'TahHead]

That's insulting!

OP, I don't think this mad intends to have a long-term relationship with you.

How can he treat you like that! How dare he! You sound like a really nice person OP but you're being too nice.

Wait.. is he WHITE?


this brings me to my next question..

was his ex white?

 

[CarLiTa]

this makes me really upset.
i'm sorry this happened, OP. It does sound like you're very sweet.
Ironically, I posted a similar thread a couple of months ago about receiving a $5 gift from the guy I'd been dating...
I really do believe it was my niceness that made me this happen. I don't know what kind of gifts he would give to his ex (he's a recent college grad with limited funds, true), but I was EXTREMELY disappointed in what he got me. I do know that she was quite demanding and though less than loyal to him, had him wrapped around her finger with her demands.
Please start demanding more!
that's what I need to be doing too without feeling guilty for actually asking for what I want.

 

[blkbeauty]

IMO...

WHAT do you want? Because HOW is he supposed to know and it seems like YOU don't know.

Just tell him what you want.
ex: "Hey babe.. I saw this Tennis Bracelet at ____x. Can you get it for me for my birthday"

I have to straight up do my man like that because he will A
1) Go to the mall (This is a big no no for me anyway) and walk around all day, then become irritated and get me something he sees another woman look good in
2) Get me a giftcard (big no no)
3) Give me the money (Big no no, especially since I have access to his funds)

I have one of those men you just gotta cut the chase and be honest.

Interesting. After I told him I wanted a cat, we went out to adopt one. Last nightm, he asked if the people from the adoption agency called. This makes me feel somewhat better.

However, I know Men aren't mind readers, but there are some men that think ahead of the suprises and gifts and reach far and beyond without you telling them what you want. IDK

 

[blkbeauty]

this makes me really upset.
i'm sorry this happened, OP. It does sound like you're very sweet.
Ironically, I posted a similar thread a couple of months ago about receiving a $5 gift from the guy I'd been dating...
I really do believe it was my niceness that made me this happen. I don't know what kind of gifts he would give to his ex (he's a recent college grad with limited funds, true), but I was EXTREMELY disappointed in what he got me. I do know that she was quite demanding and though less than loyal to him, had him wrapped around her finger with her demands.
Please start demanding more!
that's what I need to be doing too without feeling guilty for actually asking for what I want.

As my SO puts it, this was his ex as well. Unfortunately I don't carry that trait and speaking up is one of my challenges. I guess, this is something that I am going to have to practice doing in life.

 

[blkbeauty]

Did you pick the chicken finger meal or did he suggest it?

I picked the chicken fingers.

 

[blkbeauty]

Do you know his true feelings about interracial relationships, specifically with black women?

Well, I am the first Black girl that he has dated. Most of his circle of friends are White, except for our neighbors, which are majority Black.

We live in a townhome commmunity and he has been my next door neighbor for a few years. So I knew him a few years before we started dating. I don't know if its this transition from being "a neighbor" or "interracial" or just not him thinking enough about my birthday!

 

[blkbeauty]

Wait.. is he WHITE?


this brings me to my next question..

was his ex white?

Yes, she's Italian.

 

[blkbeauty]

How old is he.

I would expect those restaurant choices from a teenager or a broke college student but not from a grown man. Especially not for a celebratory dinner.

I wish he was a teenager, but he's 34 years old.

 

[BrownEyez22]

34 year's olderplexedI could see and 25 and under guy making this type of mistake, not someone 34.

OP did yall get too comfortable to soon? Was there ever the let's go out here or there period early in the relationship? This guy sounds really lame, I mean those resturant places aren't really 30th bday going out places. Sounds like he is doing just enough to get by. He should've seen you receiving beautiful gifts from your family and friends and felt BAD/embarrased about his "gift" for your birthday.

OP I hope you talk to your SO, you sound like a really sweet/nice person. A person deserves way more on their 30th birthday. The ladies here have given you good advice. We only live once so don't waste too much time on someone not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

[wonderstar]

Well, I am the first Black girl that he has dated. Most of his circle of friends are White, except for our neighbors, which are majority Black.

We live in a townhome commmunity and he has been my next door neighbor for a few years. So I knew him a few years before we started dating. I don't know if its this transition from being "a neighbor" or "interracial" or just not him thinking enough about my birthday!

Then I agree with those that say teach him how to treat you and do it now.

 

[Te'TahHead]

Yes, she's Italian.

Oh Okay..


[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

NOW, I see why you're upset. NOW, I am as well. I just hope it works out for you and I also hope that this is not an unconscious racial move on his part. Be open with him is all of my advice.

We are here for you.

 

[Browndilocks]

Just wanted to come back in here and give you a hug OP...




I just had a birthday too and I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to the men I'm seeing with regards to my birthday. I was in this thread getting really mad for you because I know how important my own birthday is to me.

Happy 30th Birthday!!!!!

:birthday2 :bday5:




:bday5:

 

[blkbeauty]

AWWW!!! Thanks so much for this!

Just wanted to come back in here and give you a hug OP...




I just had a birthday too and I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to the men I'm seeing with regards to my birthday. I was in this thread getting really mad for you because I know how important my own birthday is to me.

Happy 30th Birthday!!!!!

:birthday2 :bday5:




:bday5:

 

[CarLiTa]

can i ask a question in this thread?
how do you confront someone about the pathetic gift without coming off as selfish or extra judgmental?
in my case, i did confront him, but i felt extremely uncomfortable doing so. Uncomfortable for sounding ungrateful and unappreciative...
that is such a sucky situation to be in.

i can understand if someone makes a concerted and VISIBLE effort and misses, but to make no effort at all is baffling to me.

To me, the idea of a gift is that it isn't something that I can easily get for myself every dang week or every dang day for that matter. Especially a birthday gift? come on.

And what if he tries to make it up to you... how do you receive a new gift knowing that you had to go through this sh!tty process to get a good one in the first place?

 

[metro_qt]

can i ask a question in this thread?
how do you confront someone about the pathetic gift without coming off as selfish or extra judgmental?
in my case, i did confront him, but i felt extremely uncomfortable doing so. Uncomfortable for sounding ungrateful and unappreciative...
that is such a sucky situation to be in.

i can understand if someone makes a concerted and VISIBLE effort and misses, but to make no effort at all is baffling to me.

To me, the idea of a gift is that it isn't something that I can easily get for myself every dang week or every dang day for that matter. Especially a birthday gift? come on.

And what if he tries to make it up to you... how do you receive a new gift knowing that you had to go through this sh!tty process to get a good one in the first place?

All i know is this happened to me for valentine's day this year... where he proclaimed that Vday was 'just another day'
fine.
but it's not just another day to me...
he knew i was upset.. i made a stink about it..
the next morning he went to macdonalds and got us breakfast, then he went to walmart and got me a big stuffed animal, as if that would make it all better.

... we broke up that weekend... for unrelated stuff....
i guess i have to figure out the same thing you mentioned, especially when the gift i finally got ended up being not that great...