My Stay-at-home Wife Wants To Hire A Cleaning Person. Why Can't She Clean?

[brownb83]

Below are some of the exchanges from the relationships advice column, Baggage Check, published weekly in The Washington Post's Express:

Q: My wife stays home with our preschooler and is a great mom to her. Other than some part-time volunteer work, she has no professional responsibilities although she was an attorney like me before. Now she wants to get a cleaning person. My salary can afford it but I come from a family that does not outsource things, and I also feel that since she is home, this is something she could do during the day and we should not be paying someone else to maintain the home. I know this is a loaded topic so I have just said we shouldn't spend the money.

A: Here's the rub: There is no black-and-white delineation of what "maintaining the home" means; in fact, it arguably never ends. Lawn care? Car maintenance? Installing and repairing appliances? Some people outsource everything, some people nothing - and the only right answer is one that's jointly agreed upon. If your family didn't outsource at all, then are you willing to help with these tasks, or just outsource them to your wife? Listen to what's going on for her now compared to before, and exactly what she's hoping for. A monthly scrub-down? A weekly hand with laundry? A more professional-looking "clean"?


Child care can be a full job in its own right, and you say she's great at it and also doing part-time work (volunteer or not). It doesn't make her a slacker that she can't push your daughter on a swing set, answer an email and mop the floor simultaneously. Bottom line: Your spouse is asking for a reassessment of the delineation of household duties, and she knows them best. That's always worth listening to.

 

[BackToMyRoots]

I would leave him home alone with the preschooler for one week and instruct him to keep the home spotless.

What a itch booty man. Even if you have the time, Cleaning house is not fun. If you can afford to outsource, why not?

 

[OhTall1]

Even if you have the time, Cleaning house is not fun. If you can afford to outsource, why not?

Agree. Folks need to stop with the "I come from a family that doesn't outsource" mentality. Did they do their own cleaning because they wanted to, or because they had to?

 

[Jasmataz]

My salary can afford it

A man who can afford to make his wife's life easier but refuses is useless, imo.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

.................................

 

[nysister]

Taking care of a toddler is a lot of work, there's no reason not to have a cleaner come in. Why should she have to do that too if they can afford someone else to do it?

 

[LdyKamz]

also doing part-time work (volunteer or not). It doesn't make her a slacker that she can't push your daughter on a swing set, answer an email and mop the floor simultaneously. QUOTE]

This is all that needs to be said. She's working just as hard as him. She's doing volunteer work too - just because she doesn't get paid doesn't mean anything. He sounds stupid and I can't imagine this hasn't been explained to him before. And it shouldn't even have t be explained. It's common sense.

I had a friend who used to always make comments about children we saw in the street. Even well behaved ones. He said word for word once "That looks like a lot of work" when we saw a woman in the park playing with her kids. Playing with them!! lol Men aren't as simple in the head as they pretend to be. But then when him and his girlfriend started having children she wanted to stay at home and this ninja had the nerve to ask why she couldn't do both? Seriously? The wife in the op better not back down on this

 

[msbettyboop]

Does this fool realise how much work full time care of a kid is? Just babysitting my niece for a few hours has me reaching for panadol and alcohol! If you can afford to make your wife's life easier yet don't want to, something is wrong with you....

 

[Mingus]

As long as the house gets clean, why does he care who does the cleaning? He can afford to get her help; she prefers to delegate certain tasks to others. She's attempting to properly manage the household. He would prefer that she spend less time with their child and more time doing mundane household chores? I can't stand stupid people.

 

[BonBon]

Ahh this is usually the guys that grew up with a very high level of respect for their mother who did "everything" with a smile on her face. They make that the standard and you will always be compared to it. I have even seen situation where the super mother will side with the husband and call the wife lazy.

These guys will feel some kind of way and lose respect if you need help.

I avoid these types lol. I like when men have a good relationship with their Mom but not the whole idolization thing because it ends up filtering into their romantic relationships some way/some how.

If anyone saw the thread in the relationship forum where Jamaican men were surveyed about why they married their wife. Every answer was about keeping the home well and cooking for them etc... Nothing about compatibility or love. For some men of certain cultural and religious backgrounds, seeing their wife holding down these tasks is extremely important to them.

 

[IslandMummy]

Ahh this is usually the guys that grew up with a very high level of respect for their mother who did "everything" with a smile on her face. They make that the standard and you will always be compared to it. I have even seen situation where the super mother will side with the husband and call the wife lazy.

These guys will feel some kind of way and lose respect if you need help.

I avoid these types lol. I like when men have a good relationship with their Mom but not the whole idolization thing because it ends up filtering into their romantic relationships some way/some how.

If anyone saw the thread in the relationship forum where Jamaican men were surveyed about why they married their wife. Every answer was about keeping the home well and cooking for them etc... Nothing about compatibility or love. For some men of certain cultural and religious backgrounds, seeing their wife holding down these tasks is extremely important to them.

My older brother, word for word. His first compliment always is how much my SIL cleans

 

[LiftedUp]

She's a sahm though not only a sahw. Secondly I don't see why she cannot do regular cleaning. Is he making a boatload of money? Are the living on a mansion? Simply affording to do something doesn't necessarily mean that one should budget it in. At the end of the day they are living in a one salary household with one able bodied spouse at home. I can understand her having someone to deep clean a couple times for the year but I'm sure she should be able to handle regular maintenance.

 

[chicitygirl]

She used to be an attorney, so it's not like she's never financially contributed to the household and she's just trying to spend his money for the sake of spending it. If I were her, I wouldn't even ask his opinion. I'd just get a cleaning lady and dare him to say something about it. I don't see where he's offering to help clean up, so he needs to to shut it.

 

[okange76]

She can have some one come in once a week to deep clean and do laundry and then she can maintain just the kitchen during the week. The kid is in pre school for at least 4 hrs in the morning. Even men with money like to see a little wife skills once in awhile. Having a chef is nice but cook for him at least once or twice a week. It will get you very far. You have to lie your way into creating value in his eyes. Otherwise some useless chick with nothing to offer will lie her way into creating value in his eyes.

 

[Lute]

Why doesn't he clean if he wants to save money?

 

[KEWLKAT103]

I think he probably doesn't understand how much work it is taking care of a child. She should let him do all of her work for a couple of days, so he could get a feel for it.
I'll admit before I had children and stayed home with them, I had no idea of how much time and work it takes.

 

[janiebaby]

Um housekeeping isn't that expensive. I'd gladly give something else up to be able to keep it in the budget.

And make no mistake....this is not about money...it's about him feeling like the wife is contributing to the household and not just chilling on his dime. I'd consult with a lawyer and make my next move my best move.

 

[Ms. Tarabotti]

Why can't he clean when he gets home?

I also like how he says that she has 'no professional responsibilities' other than some part time work. Apparently since she is a SAHW/SAHM , her value as a professional person went down in his eyes.

Man, she is taking care and nurturing your child. She should get anything that she wants that will help her do that. And I don't hear him talking about what he does when he is home to try to make her life easier. He should stay home with his child for a month and do the cooking and cleaning and everything else his wife does before he fixes his mouth to say that she doesn't need any help.

I assume that they talked about this before she got pregnant but maybe not.

 

[lesedi]

She needs to store some money somewhere safe. There are too many men like him who push for their wives to stay home but then diminish the sacrifices their spouse has made to make their unit work.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

She needs to store some money somewhere safe. There are too many men like him who push for their wives to stay home but then diminish the sacrifices their spouse has made to make their unit work.

THis...he can't be trusted

 

[IslandMummy]

She needs to store some money somewhere safe. There are too many men like him who push for their wives to stay home but then diminish the sacrifices their spouse has made to make their unit work.

Right she could be out there single, sexy and carefree with her own funds. But she's home taking care of your kid and you're pissing and moaning about $100 every two weeks? Boy bye.

 

[Enyo]

As I said in the other thread about SAHMs bringing in outside help, I'm a fan of outsourcing all household duties in order to spend more quality time with the children. If I had kids, my ideal would be a SAHM for a few years with someone to "deep clean" weekly (I would do the light daily duties) and make dinner since I'm a horrible cook. Groceries would be delivered and Amazon would be my best friend for anything and everything. Since I had that miscarriage, I realize that for people who have kids (and actually want them) are really lucky. I'd want to spend as much time as possible with them since childhood is short and precious.

 

[Zaynab]

She's a sahm though not only a sahw. Secondly I don't see why she cannot do regular cleaning. Is he making a boatload of money? Are the living on a mansion? Simply affording to do something doesn't necessarily mean that one should budget it in. At the end of the day they are living in a one salary household with one able bodied spouse at home. I can understand her having someone to deep clean a couple times for the year but I'm sure she should be able to handle regular maintenance.

Just because she's a sahm doesn't mean she has the time, motivation or hell just doesn't want to. I don't agree with self sacrifice when men never do this. If she wants to have someone come in and clean then I would just call someone. It's not even enough money for him to question. It's maybe $65-100 a week depending on what you are asking for. If there's a small thing you can pay for to make life easier, why not? Plus a man will spend that and more on himself and not blink. Also, staying home is a benefit to him, so he should be paying her to do so.

 

[Evolving78]

She needs to clean up. Now for deep cleaning, hire help. But the house needs to be tidy daily. just like a baby sitter/home care provider can't leave your house trashed, she needs to clean up her home too. This is coming from a SAHM, working mom, sahw, all of that. I get up and clean daily. no excuse.

And that's something that should have been discussed before she decided to stay home, get married, and have kids.
If your girlfriend, wife, didn't keep stuff clean, didn't clean up after herself, keep a clean home before you and during courting, why marry somebody like that and something is gonna change? That's a part of somebody's person work ethic and values when it comes to their home.
Somebody already knows what they are getting into when dealing with me and cleaning. You will be walking on eggshells if you think you are gonna be a messy Marvin in my home.

 

[Zaynab]

She needs to clean up. Now for deep cleaning, hire help. But the house needs to be tidy daily. just like a baby sitter/home care provider can't leave your house trashed, she needs to clean up her home too. This is coming from a SAHM, working mom, sahw, all of that. I get up and clean daily. no excuse.

I agree she should 'pick up' daily and very well maybe. I'm thinking about the weekly deep cleaning.

 

[Evolving78]

I agree she should 'pick up' daily and very well maybe. I'm thinking about the weekly deep cleaning.

Now you know she ain't picking nothing up. Lol that house is trash. Dishes in the sink, old pots with food from last night, laundry piling up, bathroom dirty with wet towels on the floor, fruit snacks stuck to the carpet, dog hair accumulating in the corner, grilled cheese sandwich behind the couch, toys everywhere etc..

 

[lesedi]

I'm assuming she does the basics daily , you simply have to with a young child. What I find troubling is that he doesn't seem to think that she is doing anything of value whilst at home. It's that attitude that is worrying, not so much that he expects her to wipe surfaces etc. Basically it comes across like "That's the least she could do, some of us have 'real' jobs"

 

[Evolving78]

I'm assuming she does the basics daily , you simply have to with a young child. What I find troubling is that he doesn't seem to think that she is doing anything of value whilst at home. It's that attitude that is worrying, not so much that he expects her to wipe surfaces etc. Basically it comes across like "That's the least she could do, some of us have have 'real' jobs"

It's hard to deep clean with children. I totally get that. And I do agree that his attitude should be questioned, but i bet his shoes are sticking to the kitchen floor now as we speak. She ain't swifter'ing nothing! That's not usually the case. Most men aren't expecting the house to look showroom new.

 

[Zaynab]

I'm assuming she does the basics daily , you simply have to with a young child. What I find troubling is that he doesn't seem to think that she is doing anything of value whilst at home. It's that attitude that is worrying, not so much that he expects her to wipe surfaces etc. Basically it comes across like "That's the least she could do, some of us have have 'real' jobs"

Right. Because a cleaning lady isn't a huge expense

 

[Zaynab]

Now you know she ain't picking nothing up. Lol that house is trash. Dishes in the sink, old pots with food from last night, laundry piling up, bathroom dirty with wet towels on the floor, fruit snacks stuck to the carpet, dog hair accumulating in the corner, grilled cheese sandwich behind the couch, toys everywhere etc..

Now sis she could be doing the basics LOL. I mean I can't iron so I am not talking about this lady. I always have a lady who did all the ironing. I mean small expenses to make life easier. That's all I got LOL