My Stay-at-home Wife Wants To Hire A Cleaning Person. Why Can't She Clean?

brownb83 said:
Below are some of the exchanges from the relationships advice column, Baggage Check, published weekly in The Washington Post's Express:

Q: My wife stays home with our preschooler and is a great mom to her. Other than some part-time volunteer work, she has no professional responsibilities although she was an attorney like me before. Now she wants to get a cleaning person. My salary can afford it but I come from a family that does not outsource things, and I also feel that since she is home, this is something she could do during the day and we should not be paying someone else to maintain the home. I know this is a loaded topic so I have just said we shouldn't spend the money.

A: Here's the rub: There is no black-and-white delineation of what "maintaining the home" means; in fact, it arguably never ends. Lawn care? Car maintenance? Installing and repairing appliances? Some people outsource everything, some people nothing - and the only right answer is one that's jointly agreed upon. If your family didn't outsource at all, then are you willing to help with these tasks, or just outsource them to your wife? Listen to what's going on for her now compared to before, and exactly what she's hoping for. A monthly scrub-down? A weekly hand with laundry? A more professional-looking "clean"?


Child care can be a full job in its own right, and you say she's great at it and also doing part-time work (volunteer or not). It doesn't make her a slacker that she can't push your daughter on a swing set, answer an email and mop the floor simultaneously. Bottom line: Your spouse is asking for a reassessment of the delineation of household duties, and she knows them best. That's always worth listening to.
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If you ask me they are all full of it--the wife's assumingly vague request, the husband's loaded question, and the respondent smart aleck answer.

If the husband is asking her to make repairs and maintain the lawn then something is wrong with him. I assume she is away at her part-time volunteer job since he described the child as preschooler. Just ask the wife what she wants and what are his concerns or worries. Get to the bottom of it. Deep cleaning (a job of hands and knees scrubbing the baseboards, wiping miniblinds, and dusting furniture is different from a quick job of scrubbing the toilet and sinks, washing dishes and throwing in a load of laundry.
 
shortdub78 said:
It's hard to deep clean with children. I totally get that. And I do agree that his attitude should be questioned, but i bet his shoes are sticking to the kitchen floor now as we speak. She ain't swifter'ing nothing! That's not usually the case. Most men aren't expecting the house to look showroom new.
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Hmm... I don't think he'd refer to her as a "great mom" if she had the preschooler living in filth. It is possible that she's keeping the house clean, but now she wants someone else to do it. I could see a man pushing back in this scenario vs. one where the house is a mess and he sees an actual need for some extra hands.
 
Zaynab said:
Just because she's a sahm doesn't mean she has the time, motivation or hell just doesn't want to. I don't agree with self sacrifice when men never do this. If she wants to have someone come in and clean then I would just call someone. It's not even enough money for him to question. It's maybe $65-100 a week depending on what you are asking for. If there's a small thing you can pay for to make life easier, why not? Plus a man will spend that and more on himself and not blink. Also, staying home is a benefit to him, so he should be paying her to do so.
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That wasn't agreed upon before her deciding to become a sahm though. I still don't see why she can't do some regular cleaning with one child :look: and I think that's what her husband is seeing too. $65-$100 weekly is clearly not a drop in the bucket for them though they can afford it. I could afford to buy lunch everyday but I don't *shrug*
 
I need more information. They didn't have a cleaning lady when both of them were working full time. I can see why adding an expense for something they did themselves could be an issue.

Depending on how big the home is and the area they live in cleaning help can be $400 or more a month if someone is coming in weekly. One income is no joke. Plus I'm not sure what "afford" it means. Does it mean they can still pay all their bills with hardly any discretionary income or does it mean that they won't notice the money is gone.

For me this could go either way. If the money won't be missed he should compromise and have someone come in once or twice a month.
 
GraceJones said:
Raising a child isn't a contribution?
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To me raising a child is a contribution but it doesn't absolve other contributions. The working spouse is still contribute to child rearing and the stay at home parent still has duties in the household that don't center around child rearing. Before a couple decides someone should be a stay home parent their needs to be a discussion on what additional responsibilities they have. Whether it's cooking, cleaning, doing the yard work it needs to be discussed beforehand.

But on the other hand the stay at home spouse should not be expected to work themselves to exhaustion with no downtime just because they are at home.
 
SurferBabe said:
Hmm... I don't think he'd refer to her as a "great mom" if she had the preschooler living in filth. It is possible that she's keeping the house clean, but now she wants someone else to do it. I could see a man pushing back in this scenario vs. one where the house is a mess and he sees an actual need for some extra hands.
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Oh no that happens often. He isn't complaining about the Windows not being washed, or she didn't move the stove and frig to clean up under and behind it. That house is a mess. And that is always the case scenario. The mother either was never a neat and tidy person, she doesn't manage her time well, she feels resentful, or she feels all of her time should be dedicated to the child. I think not cleaning(tidying, being organized) is a disservice to the child as well. And it isn't showing the child good time management skills.

Like little Christina should be trained/taught to pick up her toys before she moves on to something. Kids learn that in daycare and preschool. If toys are all over the floor at home, what is going on? She may not cook, but the kitchen should be tidy, so if he is the one that cooks, he has a clean surface to operate on. The house should be presentable daily. If you got time to volunteer, watch YouTube videos, etc.. you can clean up your home.
 
shortdub78 said:
She needs to clean up. Now for deep cleaning, hire help. But the house needs to be tidy daily. just like a baby sitter/home care provider can't leave your house trashed, she needs to clean up her home too. This is coming from a SAHM, working mom, sahw, all of that. I get up and clean daily. no excuse.

And that's something that should have been discussed before she decided to stay home, get married, and have kids.
If your girlfriend, wife, didn't keep stuff clean, didn't clean up after herself, keep a clean home before you and during courting, why marry somebody like that and something is gonna change? That's a part of somebody's person work ethic and values when it comes to their home.
Somebody already knows what they are getting into when dealing with me and cleaning. You will be walking on eggshells if you think you are gonna be a messy Marvin in my home.
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Ha! One of the first times I completely disagree with you. Dude is being a jerk. Outsource it, help her, or do it himself.
 
hopeful said:
Ha! One of the first times I completely disagree with you. Dude is being a jerk. Outsource it, help her, or do it himself.
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Lol
I'm a cleaning person. I don't believe an able bodied adult should not have a tidy home. People put so much into their hair and their appearance, but not into their home. Your home is a reflection of you. I also come from a professional cleaning background. My family owned a cleaning business. I have 3 kids and I clean. I clean because it's my home and I like coming in and waking up to a clean organized environment. I don't wait, and I don't pay nobody to do it for me. And I have seen what homes look like when it comes to SAHMs outsourcing housekeeping. They tend to have to pay extra due to things building up and more time is required for cleaning.
But I do agree that everybody in the house should chip in. And I do believe in outsourcing housekeeping for heavy duty jobs.
 
SurferBabe said:
Hmm... I don't think he'd refer to her as a "great mom" if she had the preschooler living in filth. It is possible that she's keeping the house clean, but now she wants someone else to do it. I could see a man pushing back in this scenario vs. one where the house is a mess and he sees an actual need for some extra hands.
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I agree. She probably keeps the house clean consistently and makes it look easy, so he doesn't see why a cleaning lady is necessary. I bet if he spent one weekend alone with his toddler, he'd understand.

I'm single with no children and I have a cleaning lady :look: My mom is one of those old school drill sergeants when it comes to cleanliness so I know how to keep a clean house, but Id rather spend my precious free time doing something else, or doing nothing at all.
 
So she's a former lawyer who can't even successfully argue her case as to why she needs a housekeeper?

Not married, but I'm petty so if I asked my husband for a cleaning service and he told me no I'd stop cleaning and find an excuse to conveniently never be home anymore so he could deal with it himself.
 
LiftedUp said:
That wasn't agreed upon before her deciding to become a sahm though. I still don't see why she can't do some regular cleaning with one child :look: and I think that's what her husband is seeing too. $65-$100 weekly is clearly not a drop in the bucket for them though they can afford it. I could afford to buy lunch everyday but I don't *shrug*
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I still say That's not a lot of money at all for him to even ask about. Men don't even know how much milk costs but he wants to quibble about less than $100 a week? That's like feeding a family out for dinner. People spend more than that to eat out. Sorry I don't think women should sacrifice on things that can improve their quality of life.
 
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sarumoki said:
So she's a former lawyer who can't even successfully argue her case as to why she needs a housekeeper?

Not married, but I'm petty so if I asked my husband for a cleaning service and he told me no I'd stop cleaning and find an excuse to conveniently never be home anymore so he could deal with it himself.
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I wouldn't even ask. Dh came home and he's like who is that? I said the new ironing lady, he said oh OK and walked out.
 
Zaynab said:
I wouldn't even ask. Dh came home and he's like who is that? I said the new ironing lady, he said oh OK and walked out.
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I probably wouldn't ask to have someone deep clean every 2 weeks or so. Shes probably making it look easy and he thinks she wants to be lazy.

Part of me thinks when men squabble like this sometimes it's because they are dipping out or stepping out with a career woman, so his wife's requests are a nuisance. The type that would yell....well when you earn the money you decide what we do with it as his money is for what he values. He clearly doesnt value her contributions or he/his type wouldn't minimize them.
 
Now if he's got spots that he wants clean and doesn't want to do it himself, I'd tell him to pay me lol

OT some people do actually like to clean. :look: I would imagine the ones being hired/paid to do so might be more efficient at it.. Especially more than a person being forced.
 
menina said:
Now if he's got spots that he wants clean and doesn't want to do it himself, I'd tell him to pay me lol

OT some people do actually like to clean. :look: I would imagine the ones being hired/paid to do so might be more efficient at it.. Especially more than a person being forced.
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I like to clean and keep a neat clutter free house. Even when my kids were little and sticky fingers, toys everywhere, I didn't play that. Everything has a place it belongs to so I never keep a junky house. So I like to pickup and do the regular everyday cleaning but cleaning floors, windows, bathrooms, mopping, etc. No. There are chicks that will clean up for you for $50 I'm not trying to do all of that.
 
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