itismehmmkay
Well-Known Member
I haven't read the whole thread, but as a mother I'd want to see the place too, especially if I had never met you 
Ex-Wife wants a "tour" before child can visit?
- Thread starter Kalia1
- Start date
nathansgirl1908
Well-Known Member
I haven't read the whole thread, but as a mother I'd want to see the place too, especially if I had never met you
please read it. Because she said the woman stated that if the child can't see or have access to EVERY room, then the father has to visit her outside of the home. the stepmother has a right to have some privacy in her own home.
Kalia1
Well-Known Member
I haven't read the whole thread, but as a mother I'd want to see the place too, especially if I had never met you
Being that you didn't read the entire thread. I just want to reiterate that my husband and I have tried repeatedly to meet with his ex-wife and daughter always to be told "No it's not a good time".
Just last night his daughter asked "Does she work?" "What kind of car does she drive?"
It seems sadly that she is being coaxed.
I am looking forward to the visitation being formalized. My husbands attorney is working on it now. For the record once again I am a mother so I can see where her mother could be coming from.
Where is the respect of judgment that my husband has?
He loves his daughter and surely wouldn't marry nor have her around one who isn't suitable. His ex-wife clearly knows this. Plus their daughter can perfectly state if she was ever mistreated or uncomfortable she isn't a baby with a diaper bag.
As other posters have stated it's more to it.
Kurlee
Well-Known Member
thanks for clarifying. If u have tried before and she is declining, she can sit her complaining butt down. I say, continue to be courteous and mature, and let DH take the lead on this one.
NaturalRed
Well-Known Member
Unfortunately, if he has this mentality, then bet that he will not be seeing his daughter often.
Whether or not the ex has met you or not became a moot point when you married him. If your hubby feels safe with you around his child and staying at your house, then the courts will agree as well (Now if you were just a GF, then you'd have an issue). Right now mom is a bit salty that he remarried and she's trying to flex her control muscle right now, and she's going to be doing that at the DD's expense. If mom was so worried about DD spending time with you and him, then she should have been worried about that before you were married. If she can't even spend the night at your house, then don't even think about her accompanying you all on any future family vacations.
JerriBlank
Well-Known Member
The comments regarding the questions the ex is asking about the op's ethnicity and how her dh knew she was the one should answer many questions. Op,sometimes, we try to dissect issues on here to death when certain facts are actually moot. How did you know she was the one? After 10 years? Only someone still hoping they are "the one" would ask something like that. That is so irrelevant to any discussion about their child it's not even funny.
GodivaChocolate
Well-Known Member
She has no legal right to come in your house and I would not let her in my home. The only reason she has an issue now is because he's remarried and she's bitter. I've seen this time and time again, everything is cool until he remarries. Women like this need to get a life and move on, he clearly has. I understand wanting to know his new wife or meet her but inspecting the house..please, keep it moving psycho.
How about you going to inspect her house....this type of stupidity irritates me beyond measure.
Take her butt back to court if she tries to deny him visitation.
How about you going to inspect her house....this type of stupidity irritates me beyond measure.
Take her butt back to court if she tries to deny him visitation.
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LovinLocks
Well-Known Member
GOOD for him. You know this is B.S., don't you, Kalia1?
I'm marrying a honey with three lil ones and talk about drama. But, get this . . . she ain't even da mamma.
The other day she calls him and requests to take them to an amusement park. Harmless, you think . . . ? Well, get this . . . when she was "with" the family she treated the children like feces (literally). She was verbally abusive and extremely neglectful (he would come home after a long day at work and children had not been fed). She even told them she needed a "break" from them. Well, guess what, he gave it to her in the form of a DIVORCE. Now, she's on FB saying things like, "How did that Black widow [er aaah, could that be me?] get in my life?" Oh, and I love this one, "I hate chocolate cake". 
So, she starts professing undying love for them at their FB pages, right. One day I went in and commented to them how they could count on their dad and other positive vibes. She had them delete me as a friend . .
. He had their FB accounts deleted. 
So, naw, the ex gets no votes of checking out your home (simply being nosey) under the guise of "I'm concerned about my baby". Pulleaze, she can :blowkiss
ur 
.
LovinLocks
Well-Known Member
Surely she is, "K".
The experience I had with this was so stupid that the daughter outright said, "But Mommy won't be happy with that" when he responded as I had coached him for when his daughter would question him about me. I had told him to tell her, "Ask LL".
LovinLocks
Well-Known Member
Here, here, I agree with you DD!!!!!!! Nnoooo, no hanging out wid da ex, baby.
, yup, yup, uh huh, yesssssssssss!
CarmelCupcake
Well-Known Member
There is now way that you should feel obligated to give her a tour. She is not legally married to your husband, you are. Therefore, she has no business taking a tour of the home that you and your husband have established. If she wants to meet you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If I had a child, I would want to meet my child's stepmother. But to want a tour of your house, that is crazy.
Kalia1
Well-Known Member
Exactamente!
This is what I asked my husband kindly to do if either his daughter or ex-wife ask any personal questions about myself.
Simply tell them to ask me
I am a firm believer in written agreements for support, visitation, and other parenting matters between unmarried parents to be completed shortly after the child is born or after the marriage ends, depending on the circumstance, so it's good that you have decided to get an order.
With that said, mom's request doesn't make much sense, especially given the daughter's age. I would have some concerns with the living arrangements for an infant/toddler since they are still exploring the world with their hands and mouths, but a teenager? There was a thread here by a mom who found out that her child was sleeping on the floor in the room with her ex & his new SO. But if dad has done a good job of providing a safe, appropriate living arrangements in the past, her new concern is more about the relationship.
With that said, mom's request doesn't make much sense, especially given the daughter's age. I would have some concerns with the living arrangements for an infant/toddler since they are still exploring the world with their hands and mouths, but a teenager? There was a thread here by a mom who found out that her child was sleeping on the floor in the room with her ex & his new SO. But if dad has done a good job of providing a safe, appropriate living arrangements in the past, her new concern is more about the relationship.
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
I have not read the entire thread but you hit the nail on the head with this. She avoided meeting you since she thought, no, he would never get married without letting the woman meet our daughter.
Now that he has married you, without her having any control over the situation, she is trying to start some ish. She did not care all these years about where her child was sleeping, but suddenly she cares now and needs to see all rooms? No, she wants control.
I would agree to meet her (outside the house) and I might agree to let her come to the house but there is no way she would be inspecting my house with a white glove and in every room. If she pressed it, I'd get a court order for visitation.
I speak from experience.
ETA: Read the rest now. Yeah, it's about her trying to punk you. As you stated, your DH allowed her to disrespect him in order to keep the peace and in order to see his child, long distance. Now that you are in the picture, permanently, she knows the game has changed. There will be no extra $500 this month since baby girl signed up for cheerleading, or extra $200 this month since baby girl signed up for band. The ex is realizing that her gravy train is over. I know you did not post this but given his past treatment of the daughter, I am certain your DH bent over backwards to get any extras the ex requested for the child, especially since she is long distance. He probably did extras for the ex too, since she has his child. She is trying to see how far she can press this "tour" crap to see if you give in.
I'd have her served with a visitation order ASAP. You can finally get to meet her, in court.
Now that he has married you, without her having any control over the situation, she is trying to start some ish. She did not care all these years about where her child was sleeping, but suddenly she cares now and needs to see all rooms? No, she wants control.
I would agree to meet her (outside the house) and I might agree to let her come to the house but there is no way she would be inspecting my house with a white glove and in every room. If she pressed it, I'd get a court order for visitation.
I speak from experience.
ETA: Read the rest now. Yeah, it's about her trying to punk you. As you stated, your DH allowed her to disrespect him in order to keep the peace and in order to see his child, long distance. Now that you are in the picture, permanently, she knows the game has changed.
There will be no extra $500 this month since baby girl signed up for cheerleading, or extra $200 this month since baby girl signed up for band. The ex is realizing that her gravy train is over. I know you did not post this but given his past treatment of the daughter, I am certain your DH bent over backwards to get any extras the ex requested for the child, especially since she is long distance. He probably did extras for the ex too, since she has his child. She is trying to see how far she can press this "tour" crap to see if you give in.I'd have her served with a visitation order ASAP. You can finally get to meet her, in court.
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So you weren't around during the summers?
Mom is being a little extra. All she had to say was that she wants to meet you and see how ya'll living. Cause I know that is mostly what this is about.
Danger! Danger! It's a setup. The ex wife is already starting with the foolishness! What state are you in? If the ex thinks ya'll doing just a little too good, don't be surprised if the request for more child support comes around no sooner then you can close the door on her ***!
She's testing ya'll and I can guarruunnteee there is going to be some ish!
Protect your new family!
.....
Ambergirl, Iz you da ex-wife??
Girl look. It would be wonderful if life is all rainbows and light, but us grown folks know it's not. Give me a break already!! How can you even try to justify this foolishness? It's a violation, and crossing the line. You know this ish ain't right!!!!
Please stop pushing this agenda. For me, and it appears other's here, there is something not right in the water.
Luv ya girl
Who said anything about letting her roam free or bending over? It's all in how you approach it. You can act like something folks use to scrap crap off their shoes or you can approach it from a place of strength and graciousness. Shoot I would probably even ask her straight up what exactly her concerns are so you can get **** on the table. And what I've found is if you're the one with enough cajones to stop playing games and get to the heart of the matter (in a non confrontational way), you get a lot more respect and folks tend not to mess with you because they know you're not playing that.
It's interesting to me that folks seem to get realabout letting her see "private" areas like the master bedroom. Do you not show your master bedroom to folks visiting your home when you give them a quick tour? Not getting why letting her see the bedroom is so taboo. Yeah, it none of her business but it's also not that big of a deal to me.
Ambergirl, Iz you da ex-wife??
Girl look. It would be wonderful if life is all rainbows and light, but us grown folks know it's not. Give me a break already!! How can you even try to justify this foolishness? It's a violation, and crossing the line. You know this ish ain't right!!!!
Please stop pushing this agenda. For me, and it appears other's here, there is something not right in the water.
Luv ya girl
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AstroQueen77
Well-Known Member
Seriously, I wonder why everyone has passed this tid bit up. You know for sure now what her intentions are. It is good that you are setting boundaries with a lawyer and such...
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Re: .....
Are you for real?
I've never approached life like that and don't plan to and if that makes me all about rainbows and light, so be it.
I believe that even when folks are acting out it's to your advantage to take the high road....and without fail it has always worked for me.
So if you all want to engage in some WWF thrown down in the mud with this chick, knock yourselves out.
No offense OP, but your story would raise all kinds of flags for me too if I was this girls mother. Something isn't quite adding up and I'm wondering if there's more to the story...maybe on your husband's part.
In any event, would be intereting to hear how it all goes and how you decided to handle it.
Ambergirl, Iz you da ex-wife??
Girl look. It would be wonderful if life is all rainbows and light, but us grown folks know it's not. Give me a break already!! How can you even try to justify this foolishness? It's a violation, and crossing the line. You know this ish ain't right!!!!
Please stop pushing this agenda. For me, and it appears other's here, there is something not right in the water.
Luv ya girl
Are you for real?
I've never approached life like that and don't plan to and if that makes me all about rainbows and light, so be it.
I believe that even when folks are acting out it's to your advantage to take the high road....and without fail it has always worked for me.
So if you all want to engage in some WWF thrown down in the mud with this chick, knock yourselves out.
No offense OP, but your story would raise all kinds of flags for me too if I was this girls mother. Something isn't quite adding up and I'm wondering if there's more to the story...maybe on your husband's part.
In any event, would be intereting to hear how it all goes and how you decided to handle it.
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ebonylocs
New Member
Honestly, you're in this situation because you've never met this kid (and presumably her mother)
This woman has had 10 years to trust her ex husband would treat her child right, but she doesnt know you from Eve.
I think some posters are overlooking the fact that the ex-wife didn't ask to meet OP (and in fact rejected opportunities to do so in the past) but asked for a tour of a house that her daughter has stayed in before.
Nevertheless, I would probably handle it the way ambergirl suggested, simply because I can't be bothered to use my energy up on strife. Nobody is going to destroy my peace, and I sooo love to take the wind out of the sails of people who actually think they have the power to rile me up (silly chickens).
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
I think some posters are overlooking the fact that the ex-wife didn't ask to meet OP (and in fact rejected opportunities to do so in the past) but asked for a tour of a house that her daughter has stayed in before.
Nevertheless, I would probably handle it the way ambergirl suggested, simply because I can't be bothered to use my energy up on strife. Nobody is going to destroy my peace, and I sooo love to take the wind out of the sails of people who actually think they have the power to rile me up (silly chickens).
Exactly!
She's looking for a fight so why give it to her?
And I have to be honest, the person I'm giving the side eye to is the hubby. No custody arrangement, whirlwind romance and marriage, no meeting the daughter before they got married (and yes, if he really wanted that, he could have made it happen even if the mom was trying to block. He could have found a way)...it all sounds odd to me.
PrincessScorpion
Well-Known Member
One of the issues I have with this situation is the fact that the mother HAS NO desire to meet the OP, but she wants a tour of the house! WTH?!!!! 
Nothing I can not stand is a man that does not have a backbone! UGH! OP's husband should have handled this a VERY LONG time ago. OP the only thing that you should be dealing with is building a relationship with the daughter and not her mami. That is your husband's ex not yours and he needs to handle that legal and otherwise!
Nothing I can not stand is a man that does not have a backbone! UGH! OP's husband should have handled this a VERY LONG time ago. OP the only thing that you should be dealing with is building a relationship with the daughter and not her mami. That is your husband's ex not yours and he needs to handle that legal and otherwise!
Kalia1
Well-Known Member
@ambergirl-Don't side eye my hubby he is a great guy
"Whrilwind"
No just two people who were blessed to meet and desired to be married?
I am a person who tries to do my best in matters of life. As we both did in this situation.
Surely this isn't a crime
He sees now the error of his ways but how many 20 somethings make the best choices in those matters.
He was very young back then.
I am happy he is handling things now. Better late than never
"Whrilwind"
No just two people who were blessed to meet and desired to be married?
I am a person who tries to do my best in matters of life. As we both did in this situation.
Surely this isn't a crime
He sees now the error of his ways but how many 20 somethings make the best choices in those matters.
He was very young back then.
I am happy he is handling things now. Better late than never
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
One of the issues I have with this situation is the fact that the mother HAS NO desire to meet the OP, but she wants a tour of the house! WTH?!!!!
On the bolded. I'm thinking they must not have a child support agreement either because don't they set up visitation at those hearings?
OP, if he gets his daughter every summer then you all must have met and married in less then 9 months. Kind of quick. Seems to me you all could have waited until the summer when his daughter was there to meet each other and marry. To me a responsible father would want to have some read on how his daughter and future wife were going to relate before he remarried.
Anyway you're in it now so manage to your best ability.
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ambergirl
Well-Known Member
@ambergirl-Don't side eye my hubby he is a great guy
"Whrilwind"
No just two people who were blessed to meet and desired to be married?
I am a person who tries to do my best in matters of life. As we both did in this situation.
Surely this isn't a crime
He sees now the error of his ways but how many 20 somethings make the best choices in those matters.
He was very young back then.
I am happy he is handling things now. Better late than never
He may be a great guy but he has not been handling his business with regards to his daughter. Glad he's doing it now, but based on the history maybe the ex is questioning his judgement for a reason?
I truly do wish you the best. The ex wife sounds like something else, but none of us know what's gone down between them in the past so maybe that's where she's coming from.
Kalia1
Well-Known Member
ambergirl-Wow my marriage has nothing to do with anything.
We simply want his daughter to have a relationship with her Dad and I without her mother coaxing her and stirring up strife.
Remember I am a mother of more than 1 child. I at first understood where she was coming from. Then I thought it was innocent. But to ask my ethnicity, what type of car I drive and what type of work I do just didn't seem right.
I posted initially because it was stressful. I appreciate every response given and I am in a much better place. Even his ex-wife noted this past weekend that we got off to a wrong start. So I guess there is hope
Everyone that divorces doesn't part with things in stone. Some don't anticipate their futures and sadly have to deal with familial matters when they are faced with them.
Yes I am in a new happy marriage and God willing it will flourish
Thanks for the Encouragement.
We simply want his daughter to have a relationship with her Dad and I without her mother coaxing her and stirring up strife.
Remember I am a mother of more than 1 child. I at first understood where she was coming from. Then I thought it was innocent. But to ask my ethnicity, what type of car I drive and what type of work I do just didn't seem right.
I posted initially because it was stressful. I appreciate every response given and I am in a much better place. Even his ex-wife noted this past weekend that we got off to a wrong start. So I guess there is hope
Everyone that divorces doesn't part with things in stone. Some don't anticipate their futures and sadly have to deal with familial matters when they are faced with them.
Yes I am in a new happy marriage and God willing it will flourish
Thanks for the Encouragement.
Yellowflowers
Well-Known Member
The EX can be a mess!! I think her motives are more about control and resentment and the fact that her ex husband has found happiness. Seems like she really wants to know about the life you have together..
Even if she is allowed to nosy around your home to see what you have, it would not stop an abuser. They are very sick people
I could understand if it was a very young child that could not communicate but if she is a teen and fully capable of alerting the authorities if something inappropriate should happen.
If she visits, I would only allow her to see where the child would reside.
Otherwise she is NOT entitled to see your bedroom. That would really be intrusive and disrespectful of your marital privacy.
If there are any further problems, the courts may have to decide.
On a positive note, you seem like a an intelligent and caring person and I'm sure you both will find a way to work this out and be happy.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
ambergirl-Wow my marriage has nothing to do with anything.
We simply want his daughter to have a relationship with her Dad and I without her mother coaxing her and stirring up strife.
Remember I am a mother of more than 1 child. I at first understood where she was coming from. Then I thought it was innocent. But to ask my ethnicity, what type of car I drive and what type of work I do just didn't seem right.
I posted initially because it was stressful. I appreciate every response given and I am in a much better place. Even his ex-wife noted this past weekend that we got off to a wrong start. So I guess there is hope
Everyone that divorces doesn't part with things in stone. Some don't anticipate their futures and sadly have to deal with familial matters when they are faced with them.
Yes I am in a new happy marriage and God willing it will flourish
Thanks for the Encouragement.
Hi OP, didn't intend to be mean and don't want to harp but let me clarify what I'm thinking. If one of my friends wanted to marry a man who had never met her preteen child (even if she didn't have full custody) I would be sitting her down and trying to convince her otherwise.
When you marry someone with kids you are marrying into a family... and in your case you are marrying your husband AND you are becoming a stepmother to his daughter. As much as your husband loves you, his daughter's well being should be an equal priority because she is a dependent minor and reliant on parents for her care. That is not the message he is sending by marrying you in such a short period of time without taking the time to meet his child. Yes, I know the mom played games with it, but when there's a will, there's a way.
This isn't about you as people, because...well...i don't know you
But it's about the situation and why it would raise eyebrows. I'm not convinced the ex is such a beast. I think she's wondering how is it that this man could marry someone in record time? Who is this woman? What's going on in that house? You get my drift. I wouldn't have approached it like she did, but best believe, I would be trying to figure out your deal real quick if my daughter was going to be spending nights, weekends, or summers at your home.
Kalia1
Well-Known Member
ambergirl-I totally understand the stance you are taking.
My husband is his daughters parent as much as her mother is. No I am not and never have insinuated that his ex is a beast. That's not or should I say wasn't the purpose of my post. I just thought that her approach was wrong.
The way we established our union is really not the issue. There is nothing wrong with people being cordial initially and getting to know each other while respecting the boundaries. All I want is for his ex-wife to respect them.
I am not a oager nor am I unapproachable. I am not looking for her approval nor do I need it.
I have a daughter too and I love her dearly. This same love will be shown to my husbands daughter because she is an innocent child and also a human being.
It's that simple.
I know all about marrying and the blending of families. I was once a child too
I am glad that you are an advocate from the daughters perspective. I am too.
I would have never married him if I for an instant saw she wasn't a priority to him.
Honestly where would that leave me?
After this all I can say is I see why others leave LHCF.
Just know all that post may not be as hard rock as some of you. Many of us are sensitive and only wish to have sisterhood. I have been through alot in my life.
It just saddens me how at times some can be cruel in the guise of niceness.
Many women search their entire lives or marry more than once to finally find some joy.
I have and I won't allow you to steal mine
My husband is his daughters parent as much as her mother is. No I am not and never have insinuated that his ex is a beast. That's not or should I say wasn't the purpose of my post. I just thought that her approach was wrong.
The way we established our union is really not the issue. There is nothing wrong with people being cordial initially and getting to know each other while respecting the boundaries. All I want is for his ex-wife to respect them.
I am not a oager nor am I unapproachable. I am not looking for her approval nor do I need it.
I have a daughter too and I love her dearly. This same love will be shown to my husbands daughter because she is an innocent child and also a human being.
It's that simple.
I know all about marrying and the blending of families. I was once a child too
I am glad that you are an advocate from the daughters perspective. I am too.
I would have never married him if I for an instant saw she wasn't a priority to him.
Honestly where would that leave me?
After this all I can say is I see why others leave LHCF.
Just know all that post may not be as hard rock as some of you. Many of us are sensitive and only wish to have sisterhood. I have been through alot in my life.
It just saddens me how at times some can be cruel in the guise of niceness.
Many women search their entire lives or marry more than once to finally find some joy.
I have and I won't allow you to steal mine
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