Ex-Wife wants a "tour" before child can visit?

[ThatJerseyGirl]

This morning my my husband decided that come Monday he will petition the court for sound custodial/visitation rights.

Ten years ago he was much younger and naive about things. So hence he didn't stress the fine points. He sees by having the visitation in place we as a couple can avoid the stress that could become draining.

I have shared with him some of the posts here and I think that made him see the seriousness of taking action.

Kalia1 - SHOW her better than you can tell her. I'm telling you, this has nothing to do with the daughter. This is all about her. And I'm not trying to sound funny, but your husband sounds like a softy, meaning kind at heart, easy going, which is why she is punking him tawkin bout some lemme tour your house. who da hell she think she is tawkin bout some lemme tour ur house. dis ain't Coming to America...tell dat broad to git da phuck on..

Be the force behind yo man fiddy grand all da way live chile...

imma tell u what her problem is cuz see, i know women like her. she tryna figure you out and don't know how to go bout it. she can no longer manipulate, control and bully him no more cuz ur in the picture now. she phucked up about that. and she know dayum well ur husband will do anything for his daughter to make sure she is taken care of. she can't use him no more cuz he's married to you now.

and with shyt like this, i see why they didn't stay married long. da crazy broad has met her match now. uh huh...sho did. see, dem mother n laws love to run dat mouth and i bet his mother don't like her at all, but tolerates her cuz she has her grandchile. so his momma done already told da ex about you and the ex is intimidated by you. trust me chile..she done heard ALL about you.

i know..i got chirren too so i know what time it is. but i still wouldn't let her in my dayum house, cuz when u do, she's gonna start poppin up at any time, thinkin she got cart blanc access. betta pump da breaks on dat and handle ur bidness. she wanna talk shyt to him on the phone, but don't wanna face you. that's some punk shyt. game know game chile.

now lemme run down hea to dis gas station cuz i done ran outta newports. do yall know they only 4 dollas a pack down here in North Carolina? Hell, imma get me a carton befo i go back to DC....

 

[Kurlee]

the fact she has never met you is eyebrow raising. I think you guys should meet (the DD and the mother), so that everyone is comfortable. I would be wary if my ex married someone very quickly, never checked how the DD would feel about the situation or the person and then send the child over there to sleep. The DD wasn't at the wedding? Leaving things as is will cause tension.

 

[Kalia1]

@ThatJerseyGirl-They stayed married 18 months! Not trying to put the business out there but he said she did a 360 personality wise after marrying him. That caused the breech. Being that it's been ten years and he is a dutiful father I thought she would have matured for the better. I guess not.

Oh and trust me my mother and father- in-law adore me. They call he and I a perfect match. My mother-in-law states that she and I are like night and day. So that being said I know she has been speaking of me in a positive way. Probably even rubbing her face in it. This maybe pissing her off.

Being that I am no punk by any means I am ready for her. My mother may she rest in peace didn't raise a ghetto blaster. Etiquette and decorum will be on full blast. Plus honestly I am to old for this nonsense! I am not 20 nor 30 and I refuse to give her any power. To be honest she has met her match and she knows it.

A little while ago he called to ask about picking up his daughter next weekend? She asked my husband is she "Latina" "How did you know she was the one"?

Now just yesterday you wanted the tour! Now you are asking this! He said ask my wife all the things you will like to ask me when I pick up my daughter. She states next weekend won't be good. Their daughter is busy-This is why he must go to court!

Like my Grandmother always says "If you won't listen to me you will listen to the white
man"

The judge(white man) will tell her when my husband will be able to see his daughter and the terms. I look forward to it.

 

[Kalia1]

the fact she has never met you is eyebrow raising. I think you guys should meet (the DD and the mother), so that everyone is comfortable. I would be wary if my ex married someone very quickly, never checked how the DD would feel about the situation or the person and then send the child over there to sleep. The DD wasn't at the wedding? Leaving things as is will cause tension.

I understand your sentiments. However when is a man allowed to have proper judgement in regards to his child/ren? She is equally his child as well.

As I stated before I have never been as inquisitive as to where my ex-husband took our children during the summer. They each would call me and did various times of the day. He is their father and I know he would never subject our babies to any danger.

Point being the girlfriend that he is with knew from the beginning she must accept his kids to be with him. It's been 15 years an although he never married her I know she loves my children and would never harm them.
I have never set foot in her home ever!

Women know the boundaries when it comes to the man's children because he sets them. Any woman who loves her man and wants to be in his good graces tries hard to build a bond with the child.

This is all new to me as I stated. I have never had to deal with a man with children before. So I am learning. Being that she refused all prior meetings no the daughter wasn't present when we married and this hurt him deeply.

She did allow the daughter to visit him a few weeks after we married but I hadn't relocated.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I'd be curious to know what your hubby is hearing from his daughter. Seems odd that in all of this she's just become the means for hubby and ex to continue fussing with each other.

Sorry OP but something is just odd about this situation. His daughter just seems way to MIA in his life...particularly not even going to the wedding.

 

[mychai]

The ex-wife sounds like she is trying to be the tail that wags the dog in your marriage. She just sounds like a control freak and a drama queen to me.

To my mind, you have already expended too much time and energy worrying about this woman and that's the way she'd like to keep it. She sounds like the type that hopes that her demands will cause arguments between you and your husband.

If I understand correctly, you moved in with your husband after you two married, so this isn't a case of her daughter being introduced to a new environment. She's had ample opportunity to take a "tour" over the years. She's playing games.

You sound like a kind and soft-hearted person, so I suggest that you invite her to breakfast/lunch so that the pair of you can get to know each other. If she refuses, I wouldn't issue any more invites. It's not your job to feed into her ego.

If she decides to play hardball, well you and your husband have legal recourse.

 

[Kalia1]

ambergirl-there is no need to apologise. She is by no means MIA. Being that she lives a great distance no they don't see each other every week but they do talk every other day unless the cell phone goes straight to voicemail. They play online games and he IM's her and she responds and they chat that way too. If you aren't the custodial parent and have no visitation rights you are at the whim of the custodial parent. Taking what you can get and not rocking the boat just in case they may not allow you to see your child altogether. Women do this very often. This is no isolated case.

I grew up fatherless and I in no means would allow another to experience what I have.
It's a matter of maturity and simply the best interest of his daughter.

 

[darlingdiva]

@ThatJerseyGirl-They stayed married 18 months! Not trying to put the business out there but he said she did a 360 personality wise after marrying him. That caused the breech. Being that it's been ten years and he is a dutiful father I thought she would have matured for the better. I guess not.

Oh and trust me my mother and father- in-law adore me. They call he and I a perfect match. My mother-in-law states that she and I are like night and day. So that being said I know she has been speaking of me in a positive way. Probably even rubbing her face in it. This maybe pissing her off.

Being that I am no punk by any means I am ready for her. My mother may she rest in peace didn't raise a ghetto blaster. Etiquette and decorum will be on full blast. Plus honestly I am to old for this nonsense! I am not 20 nor 30 and I refuse to give her any power. To be honest she has met her match and she knows it.

A little while ago he called to ask about picking up his daughter next weekend? She asked my husband is she "Latina" "How did you know she was the one"?

Now just yesterday you wanted the tour! Now you are asking this! He said ask my wife all the things you will like to ask me when I pick up my daughter. She states next weekend won't be good. Their daughter is busy-This is why he must go to court!

Like my Grandmother always says "If you won't listen to me you will listen to the white
man"

The judge(white man) will tell her when my husband will be able to see his daughter and the terms. I look forward to it.

You're right; the bolded is absolutely the reason that he MUST go to court.

What in the world does your ethnicity have to do with anything? It's none of her business how he knew you were the one.

Regarding the underlined, I absolutely love the fact that you're intent on keeping it classy.

 

[Kurlee]

I understand your sentiments. However when is a man allowed to have proper judgement in regards to his child/ren? She is equally his child as well.

As I stated before I have never been as inquisitive as to where my ex-husband took our children during the summer. They each would call me and did various times of the day. He is their father and I know he would never subject our babies to any danger.

Point being the girlfriend that he is with knew from the beginning she must accept his kids to be with him. It's been 15 years an although he never married her I know she loves my children and would never harm them.
I have never set foot in her home ever!

Women know the boundaries when it comes to the man's children because he sets them. Any woman who loves her man and wants to be in his good graces tries hard to build a bond with the child.

This is all new to me as I stated. I have never had to deal with a man with children before. So I am learning. Being that she refused all prior meetings no the daughter wasn't present when we married and this hurt him deeply.

She did allow the daughter to visit him a few weeks after we married but I hadn't relocated.

i think to keep the peace, all that other stuff (the comparions between you and her, what extended fam says, etc) is irrelevant. It's not a competition. Sounds like you have a great relationship and not dealing with issues like this properly can and will ruin it. I think it's strange that he married u without u meeting or building a relationship with his DD. It's his daughter too, but I bet he wouldn't take too kindly to roles being reversed. Girl, keep the peace, so it doesn't mess up ur relationship. The mother and daughter should meet you, especially if ur going to be in a step-parent role. Invite for lunch or something and if she gets stank, she can kiss cheeks

 

[ambergirl]

ambergirl-there is no need to apologise. She is by no means MIA. Being that she lives a great distance no they don't see each other every week but they do talk every other day unless the cell phone goes straight to voicemail. They play online games and he IM's her and she responds and they chat that way too. If you aren't the custodial parent and have no visitation rights you are at the whim of the custodial parent. Taking what you can get and not rocking the boat just in case they may not allow you to see your child altogether. Women do this very often. This is no isolated case.

I grew up fatherless and I in no means would allow another to experience what I have.
It's a matter of maturity and simply the best interest of his daughter.

So how does the daughter feel about dad remarrying? Is it possible that mom is responding to some comments or concerns coming from the daughter?

 

[Kalia1]

My husband states when he saw her two months ago she was happy for him.
Glad he wouldn't be by himself all the time. When I speak to her she sounds happy for her Dad. Since we haven't formed a bond as of yet I am not sure of her feelings.

We have joked about her not having to help him clean up as much anymore
She did laugh at that

She seems to be a smart girl. I am looking forward to getting to know her.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ Okay, so you have spoken to her, that's good. If the daughter seems cool, smart, and mature maybe mom isn't so bad? Maybe she's just tripping because he remarried and maybe the love life is not happening for her.

OP it sounds like if you handle this business well you might be ahead for some smoother sailing.

 

[Kalia1]

I appreciate each sentiment that was expressed. We as people are simply living life.
I don't have all the answers nor am I perfect.

I enjoy the sisterhood here on LCHF. I knew that if I had started the thread I would definitely get some feedback. To be honest each and every comment was very helpful and has alleviated some stress.

I am at a happy place right now and it has been a struggle to get here.
I want a peaceful life with my new husband. I am so excited about having a new daughter!

Only wanting to build our family so that each of the children will be happy, righteous, and productive people. That's are common goal

 

[Kurlee]

I appreciate each sentiment that was expressed. We as people are simply living life.
I don't have all the answers nor am I perfect.

I enjoy the sisterhood here on LCHF. I knew that if I had started the thread I would definitely get some feedback. To be honest each and every comment was very helpful and has alleviated some stress.

I am at a happy place right now and it has been a struggle to get here.
I want a peaceful life with my new husband. I am so excited about having a new daughter!

Only wanting to build our family so that each of the children will be happy, righteous, and productive people. That's are common goal

you sound so happy and open minded

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I appreciate each sentiment that was expressed. We as people are simply living life.
I don't have all the answers nor am I perfect.

I enjoy the sisterhood here on LCHF. I knew that if I had started the thread I would definitely get some feedback. To be honest each and every comment was very helpful and has alleviated some stress.

I am at a happy place right now and it has been a struggle to get here.
I want a peaceful life with my new husband. I am so excited about having a new daughter!

Only wanting to build our family so that each of the children will be happy, righteous, and productive people. That's are common goal

Kalia1 - It will work out. I can tell from the vibe of your responses that you'll handle it.

see, das why you gotta be careful how you treat people (talking about the ex and her ugly ways). especially in a situation like this cuz see, the very toes you step on may be connected to the azzzz that you may have to kiss tomorrow. you'll see what i'm talking about. she'll be calling on yall one day....that's called when the roosters come to crow.... da ole heads on here know what i'm tawkin bout lololol....

 

[FlowerHair]

I would just go along with it with a smile (even it it was a fake smile lol).
That would be the first and last time the ex-wife set foot in my house.

I would be overly nice.

It would have been good if you could have met before the wedding, but I understand it wasn't possible due to the circumstances...

Best of luck and congratulations on being newly married!!

 

[MRJ1972]

I wonder if this lady is the type to talk all kinds of trash to your husband but then act as sweet as pie when she meets you!

Since she is use to talking trash- she probably told him- insert neck roll and gum popping here- "I am coming ova thur to see whey yawl stay and I wanna see the whole house"!!

OP- sounds like you guys have everything under control

 

[awhyley]

Wow, what a thread. I've been on this thread all day (off and on). Personally, I would recommend a brunch, with the hubby included, at the house, so that everyone could get acquainted. If she wanted to see the common areas, kitchen, bathroom, child's room, that would be fine, but everywhere else would be off limits. Its the same house, so she's really out of order with this foolishness. I'm assuming that she's not re-married or in a relationship or anything since she's so wrapped up in your business. Your main goal for the meeting is to see where the child's head is at. Don't worry about the mother. She's the one your hubby is concerned about, so don't let that h3ffa ruffle your feathers.

 

[Fab_Nikki]

I am a step parent and my "bonus" son's mom tried something similar AFTER we were married. We dated for two years before our engagement so she had ample opportunity to meet me if she wanted. Outside of our residence. Hubby and I did not entertain her at all. Fast forward to years later and her son lives with us full time. Not once has she been to our house.

OP I believe it's just a ploy for the ex wife to be nosey and attempt to put limits on your husband. Like others have said, if anything is off at your house, the daughter will relay this to the mother. She needs to get some business other than yours.

 

[HE_Blesses_MY_Tresses]

OP as a mother and as a woman who is about to take on the role of a step mother I can see where both you she are coming from. First of all, as other ladies have said, you want to see where your child is going to be laying their head and making sure that your environment in conducive to theirs. Also, you dont know what she may have gone through in her life, possibly with a step-parent, to make her feel how she does. Granted, I do feel that she has NO business invading the sanctity of your bedroom but that can be discussed and it is laid out to her like that maybe she will get her head out of her a** and realize how crazy it is to ask to see YOUR bedroom. When there was a possibility of my son going to see his fathers ex-wife my main demand was moreso that I meet her face to face so she could see how dead serious I was about her not f***ing with my child. He knew how I lived and what I wanted around and for my son and knew not to play when it came to him.
Secondly, from your point of view, she had plenty of chances to see you before the "I Do's" were said and she seems to be coming out of the woodwork to make like a tad more difficult for all parties involved. I have every intention on keeping my SO kids involved in our lives, I know the mother wont make it easy but EVENTUALLY she will LET IT GO. I dont know how long you dated before you wed ( Congratulations! BTW ) but planes fly both ways and you could have insisted on flying out there to meet HER. Also, When my SO and I get married BEST believe if she tries that "I need to see your ENTIRE house" deal she will get either one of 2 respnses, depending on how EYE feel, 1) I'll tell her where she can go, ( most likely the response the SO will be behind) or 2) Ill let her see EVERYTHING and eat her heart out because I'm something like Martha Stewart and my decorating skills are on point so but she gets to OUR bedroom, the bed would be UNMADE and disheveled, implying that it was "used". I'd let her marinate over that over dinner. (SO probably wouldnt go for that one but it would be so fun wouldnt it? ) Im sure everything will turn out for the best, I pray it will, I wish people didnt make life hard for their ex's but when emotions are involved and you see that you have the power to "control" a situation and are immature, this is the result. I hope it all works out for you and God bless.

 

[ms.mimi]

And if she wants more child support she doesn't have to see the home to demand it.

She sure doesn't. However have you ever had someone in your home and they said 'Dang I didn't know they were rolling like this?' Nice artwork on the wall, everything from the dining room to the bedroom is laid right and smokes of money. (Stuff may have come one piece at a time, from sales or markdowns, Marshalls, Ross,etc...but look expensive) Well with the wrong type of person, it will put thoughts in their head. "oh he got that trick and her kid living like this and that while we struggling....he can afford to spend money on her & their house and not us....well I'll fix that."
A trick ain't gonna catch me sleeping. You got to stay one step ahead at ALL times. And I wouldn't trust her. Cause if this were really about her getting to know the type of woman her ex is now married to she would have just asked to meet her. Plain and simple. The way grown arse people handle their business. Naw! This is about being dominant and playing games. "I want to see every room!" Why? Why must she inspect this chicks home? hmmmm think about it. What will inspecting each room tell you about a person? I know exactly what it tells me.

 

[ambergirl]

She sure doesn't. However have you ever had someone in your home and they said 'Dang I didn't know they were rolling like this?' Nice artwork on the wall, everything from the dining room to the bedroom is laid right and smokes of money. (Stuff may have come one piece at a time, from sales or markdowns, Marshalls, Ross,etc...but look expensive) Well with the wrong type of person, it will put thoughts in their head. "oh he got that trick and her kid living like this and that while we struggling....he can afford to spend money on her & their house and not us....well I'll fix that."
A trick ain't gonna catch me sleeping. You got to stay one step ahead at ALL times. And I wouldn't trust her. Cause if this were really about her getting to know the type of woman her ex is now married to she would have just asked to meet her. Plain and simple. The way grown arse people handle their business. Naw! This is about being dominant and playing games. "I want to see every room!" Why? Why must she inspect this chicks home? hmmmm think about it. What will inspecting each room tell you about a person? I know exactly what it tells me.

That may be true, but if she thinks there's more money to be had it's not going to matter whether she sees what they've got or not. She can ask their daughter what they have if she's that interested.

Yeah, she's acting childish but is the answer to match her behavior? I don't see where that leads expect mess and given that there's a child involved somebody has to act like an adult....might as well be OP and husband.

 

[itsjusthair88]

Hi OP, I'm not a mother, I'm not an ex-wife, nothing...but I can give it to you from the child's point of view and what I know: my parents got divorced, married other people, then got re-married and my father's ex-wife (and the mother of my little brothers) is a straight B!TCH!!!! She abandoned her children and refused to contact them until 4 months before my parents got remarried. It all started with little things: she wanted to talk to my mom, and crap...then she went crazy: she actually accused my sister of molesting my little brothers, trying to get her arrested! It was crazy!!! Mind you, this b!tch owes my dad over $10,000 in back child support and my mother has been raising the boys since they were 2 & 4...she has ruined family vacations, tried to ruin my sisters life, etc.

My reason for telling you all of this OP is because behind all of it is the basic fact she still desires my father and all of her antics have NOTHING to do with the well-being of her children. It sounds like you're in a similar situation, the ex-wife has unrequited feelings (may not even be desire) for your husband and will try and take it out on you...using her child as a pawn. I can't influence your decision but I can tell you, from what my family has gone through: nip this in the butt, and make your husband get a visitation agreement...my mom did and even still she makes life hard from time to time...just my 2 cents.

 

[VirtuousBeauty]

I do not understand at all why he would not have a court order or why it would be a last resort. Should have been the first thing he did when they divorced. That makes no sense to me. And I would not let her investigate my entire home, no way.

I didn't realize it was expected to have court orders once you've divorced. When my parents divorced there were no set visitation rights

 

[NOEChic]

I didn't realize it was expected to have court orders once you've divorced. When my parents divorced there were no set visitation rights

it is best to have it spelled out and written down , so that someone can't try to use the child against you.

 

[Bmack]

I know I am late, but why the phuck would someone need to see a private bedroom where their child will not sleep to ensure a home safe. GTFOOHWTBS and STFU while your at it.

Letting her roam free in their home is not being the bigger person it is being a doormat. Furthermore, she will keep playing games. I would invite her in, be the class act, but not bend over and play games. I can't understand dumb ish like this.

 

[ambergirl]

I know I am late, but why the phuck would someone need to see a private bedroom where their child will not sleep to ensure a home safe. GTFOOHWTBS and STFU while your at it.

Letting her roam free in their home is not being the bigger person it is being a doormat. Furthermore, she will keep playing games. I would invite her in, be the class act, but not bend over and play games. I can't understand dumb ish like this.

Who said anything about letting her roam free or bending over? It's all in how you approach it. You can act like something folks use to scrap crap off their shoes or you can approach it from a place of strength and graciousness. Shoot I would probably even ask her straight up what exactly her concerns are so you can get **** on the table. And what I've found is if you're the one with enough cajones to stop playing games and get to the heart of the matter (in a non confrontational way), you get a lot more respect and folks tend not to mess with you because they know you're not playing that.

It's interesting to me that folks seem to get real about letting her see "private" areas like the master bedroom. Do you not show your master bedroom to folks visiting your home when you give them a quick tour? Not getting why letting her see the bedroom is so taboo. Yeah, it none of her business but it's also not that big of a deal to me.

 

[hopeful]

I didn't realize it was expected to have court orders once you've divorced. When my parents divorced there were no set visitation rights

It's the best thing to do to avoid these type of situations. If they had a court order the wife likely would be breaking their contract and could be forced to allow the child to see her father and attend her father's wedding, etc. IMO it protects the parents if one of the parents is controlling or if one is lazy. It also protects the child so they can spend a fair amount of time with both parents. Right now the mom is in control which isn't fair. Once parents are no longer married or in love it's best that everything be in writing. Your parents were probably the exception and were able to trust each other and were able to work things out on their own-- you were lucky.

 

[VirtuousBeauty]

I guess we were... Thanks

It's the best thing to do to avoid these type of situations. If they had a court order the wife likely would be breaking their contract and could be forced to allow the child to see her father and attend her father's wedding, etc. IMO it protects the parents if one of the parents is controlling or if one is lazy. It also protects the child so they can spend a fair amount of time with both parents. Right now the mom is in control which isn't fair. Once parents are no longer married or in love it's best that everything be in writing. Your parents were probably the exception and were able to trust each other and were able to work things out on their own-- you were lucky.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Either people aren't reading the original post, or motherhood makes people unreasonable.

Under no circumstances is it reasonable for this woman to demand that the child be allowed access to every room in the house. This has nothing to do with anything related to the safety of the child. The OP has no obligation to comply. Outrageous.