Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

BonBon said:
Question: Does your friend have contact with your DH currently. Even in a non-direct way (passing on a Happy Father's day through you for example)?

I had 2 male friends when he started dating me, when we were in a relationship and when we got married. 1 of them is completely non-negotiable. He would have to do something out of line (disrespect me, my DH or the marriage), or we'd have to fall out personally in a big way for me to cut him off. It's not something DH would have to request either. We both trust each other to handle business and take action if a threat were to occur.

Anyhow, we see this friend 3-4 times a year and because our birthdays fall on the same week we celebrate at the same party/event, or whatever. They get on well. The other friend - DH was worried about when we first got together and he built up an idea in his head because he hadn't met him/didn't want to. As soon DH agreed to meet him and saw what my friend is like, his anxiety lifted.

I find opposite-sex friends work best when respectfully integrated to some degree, which may be hard if it's a completely long distance. In a way, it probably would have been better if he wasn't 100's miles away. Then you could have had an occasional catch-up dinner (especially when both married). He would be your friend AND also a friend of the family. As it is, because of the distance it may feel like your "private male friend" and your husband doesn't feel your marriage is acknowledged.

^If this is not the case my answer is different.
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Yeah you have to set standards and boundaries in the beginning of what is acceptable, or you will have situations that become messy and complicated. He doesn’t sound like a friend. Just the vibe from the post sounds like he is waiting.
 
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Sosoothing said:
@discodumpling

Have you and DH been together long? Has he felt this way about your friend from the beginning?
Unfortunately this is one of those situations where you'll have decide which matters more. Your husband or male friend.
Yes, it sucks. But the damage to your marriage isn't worth it.
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August will be our 22nd wedding anniversary. We've been together for 32 yrs. DayDay was there at the beginning too!
What matters most to me is that I am in control of me.
 
discodumpling said:
August will be our 22nd wedding anniversary. We've been together for 32 yrs. DayDay was there at the beginning too!
What matters most to me is that I am in control of me.
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Makes sense. But my opinion is the same. Marriage is supposed be a team of 2. And as the saying goes, it is only as strong as the weakest person in the team. Does being 'in control of you' come at the expense of your marriage? Are you willing to take one for the team or swallow your pride? The choice is yours.
 
I met a sistah who’s dating a friend of mine and I really like her vibe. But not sure if it’s going to work out with them so, not sure I want to get attached. I let borrow my RevAir though, that’s love lol

I ran into someone I cared a lot for who ghosted me and many others years ago and was so happy to see her that I crossed personal boundaries. I wanted to hug her and kiss her so hard and uhhh I did. Poor girl couldn’t get away fast enough. Then as we’re talking briefly, I realize that it wasn’t the same, she definitely, had moved on from me. Y’all I was so happy to see her! She had shaved her hair and I committed the ultimate sin. I reached for her head y’all! She dodged real quick and said she didn’t let people touch her head. I failed. When she left the event, she didn’t even look for me to say goodbye. I had to ask my friend to look around to see if she was still at the venue. That friend sent me the sweetest message that night. Guess it showed that I was hurt.
I left sad and wishing I had never run into her. It was confirmation that she didn’t love me no’Mo’ I don’t do well with breakups at all. It’s been over 5 years and I still wonder what happened? What I did? Why did she leave? I don’t know if I’ll ever have closure I’m close to 50 with this mess in my heart.
 
discodumpling said:
Sis nothing..it said Happy Mothers Day ..Catch up soon!
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Yeah, he’s buggin. I would keep my friendship. He could stay mad. He’ll get over it. I think it’s important to have friends outside of your marriage. You can’t depend on your spouse for everything. It’s not healthy.

Maybe there is something more to it. I would have a talk with him. Maybe he feels lonely or left out and needs individual attention and he’s just projecting.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
@Fine 4s

It sucks when "love" in any of it's forms is not reciprocated, that said the giver should never be ashamed of having offered it. I'd give you a hug e-sis.
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Actually, after sleeping on this maybe the friend wasn't being standoffish because she didn't like @Fine 4s maybe she's social distancing and don't want the Covid's. Hugging and kissing at first meeting is very 2019.

Sometimes we read the room wrong and my hypochondriac :moon: can't believe that I missed this angle.
 
Fine 4s said:
I ran into someone I cared a lot for who ghosted me and many others years ago and was so happy to see her that I crossed personal boundaries. I wanted to hug her and kiss her so hard and uhhh I did. Poor girl couldn’t get away fast enough. Then as we’re talking briefly, I realize that it wasn’t the same, she definitely, had moved on from me. Y’all I was so happy to see her! She had shaved her hair and I committed the ultimate sin. I reached for her head y’all! She dodged real quick and said she didn’t let people touch her head. I failed. When she left the event, she didn’t even look for me to say goodbye. I had to ask my friend to look around to see if she was still at the venue. That friend sent me the sweetest message that night. Guess it showed that I was hurt.
I left sad and wishing I had never run into her. It was confirmation that she didn’t love me no’Mo’ I don’t do well with breakups at all. It’s been over 5 years and I still wonder what happened? What I did? Why did she leave? I don’t know if I’ll ever have closure I’m close to 50 with this mess in my heart.
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People are still social distancing in my area so not everyone hugs or even shakes hands. She may not be comfortable hugging people yet.

The bigger issue is that you've grown apart. I've got two former friends like that. Right before the pandemic I reached out to one of them and she blew me off twice, in addition to instances before that. And I realized she moved on from me and our friendship after she got married. Shame too because I was in her wedding and I wanted her in mine (I got married last month :love3:) but life doesn't happen that way. One of my co-bridesmaids confided in me during the wedding that she felt that they were growing apart and this was in 2017. If I saw her somewhere which could happen since we met in law school and neither of us have moved, I would acknowledge her and maybe make pleasantries but otherwise keep it moving.

I think they key is to not take it personally even though it hurts. I'm sure you were a great friend, I know I was and to realize that there are many reasons why friendships end and it most likely doesn't have anything to do with you. I know it still hurts though.
 
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oneastrocurlie said:
I think my brother's closest friend is lying to him. A pretty big lie. Like one of those too far into the lie to backtrack kind of lies. He suspects his friend is lying too. It wasn't until my brother told me something was suspicious did start connecting dots. Now I'm wondering where the truth stopped and tall tales started. I actually hope I'm wrong cause ugh. That sucks.
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While the friend didn't admit to lying, people who know of the situation will die on the hill homeboy was telling tall tales. I am part of people.

Him and my brother are cool. Imo that's only bc my brother didn't have to foot an unexpected bill. I certainly don't look at his friend the same. Luckily for me I don't see him that much so my fake nice won't be needed to be used very often.

In other unrelated rants, why do people you don't talk to the other 364 days of the year think you want to take the time to talk to them on your birthday? Send a text. If you cared if I was alive or how I was doing, you have 300+ other days to inquire.

Humans. Weird.
 
I've mentioned how my relationships have been different since the pandemic but I am realizing things about myself also. I am the friend that will introduce you to people I know. I'll invite you to events and don't mind if you become friends with my friends. If I feel like you'd vibe with someone I know I'll introduce you.
I see that so many people aren't like this. They love the benefit of it but won't do the same. It is interesting to observe.
-----‐----
I have a long time friend that I realized loved to listen to my "business" e.g. family drama but very rarely was vulnerable in our conversations. If I asked how she/family were she would give a vague answer. I felt like my life was entertainment for her so I pulled back. She doesn't owe me anything nor do I owe her. I had to adjust. She's cool, we aren't what we were.

2022 has been a really hard year and it is forcing me to reevaluate almost everything.
 
On a brighter note, I’ve really strengthened a friendship with another friend of mine. I don’t see her in person very often but we talk a lot on the phone and get together when we can (we go shopping, out to lunch). I am so thankful for her.

Shes going through some health problems and I’m so worried about her. I am trying to check on her often as she makes her way to good health :pray:
 
So. I just consciously realized something. I think I knew this subconsciously but never really actually thought about it out loud. Black Americans are the most copied people on this planet lol. Black American Men and women. I am entertaining some family members and a bunch of their friends. Lots of females. All WI descent. I feel like I am in RHOA. The mannerisms and verbal expressions. I noticed this with my white co-workers too. Maybe it’s a Canada thing...
 
PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE.

I need some new friends. Like, FRIENDS. I have plenty of associates but I want friends. In plenty of meetup/social groups but the meetups don’t always work for me and I haven’t made genuine connections to take off the sites. I don’t want to be on these sites forever. The genuine connections I did make years ago have moved on to get married, etc. I am still single and lonely. My oldest friemds are running after kids and, I’m guessing by lack of action, aren’t interested in balancing home life and life outside of the home. I’ve outgrown my oldest friends. I don’t have any more male friends. I know I can enjoy things alone, too, but I’ve been doing that for 10+ years. I want male and female companionship, both romantic and platonic. I’m just lost, alone, bored.
 
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