Life Lessons Learned The Hard Way: Dating & Relationship Edition

ArcticFemme said:
Men like what they like. For most men their preference is developed pretty early in their lives. You're either it or you're not, there is no changing it.

It doesn't matter how complicated his preference makes his life, they don't care if what he likes isn't the right type for him, he doesn't care if what he likes isn't as smart, graceful, nurturing, or caring as you, men will go after exactly what they want without a care in the world if it is what society feels he should like.

If you are what he likes, things are much easier. If you aren't what he likes, you'll always feel like you have to put in work to keep his attention. It's just not worth it in the end. This is why dating is simple when you only consider the men who are actively pursuing you.

This was a hard pill for me to swallow with the last guy who broke my heart. I was nurturing and went out of my way to make his life easier. I was smarter than anyone he dated, more well-traveled, and actually had a thriving career. None of that mattered. He liked what he liked and it wasn't me. I wasted too much time trying to change his mind and in the end, I didn't have him and he moved on to chasing the girls who he complained always made his life hard. That's what he likes and it won't change.

You can't prove yourself to men.
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YES to this whole post...especially the bolded! If things are "complicated" or you feel like you're putting in work to keep his attention, it's because he doesn't want you. And just because he doesn't want you doesn't mean you're not intelligent, beautiful, hard-working, etc. or that you should start doubting yourself. It just means this particular man does not want you and you're right, you can't prove yourself to men. So the last thing you should do is work harder at winning him over. It's simple, but it took me a while to accept this.
 
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When you are starting to get serious in a relationship, make sure you meet his family and close friends early on. Don't just rely on what he tells you about his family. That's not enough! You can learn a lot about a man by how he interacts with his family. How he treats his mom, his sisters and other women in his life. What type of relationship he has with his father. All these things are important to know before you commit.

I dated this guy who I assumed (because he told me) was a clean living person and had good morals. When I met his sister, she matter of factly told me how his favorite pastime was smoking weed and she said that marijuana was his god. Now, if he wants to do that - that's on him. But I've worked too hard to get to where I am to risk my license and to be with a weed head. I dodged a bullet with him.
 
Noelle01 said:
YES to this whole post...especially the bolded! If things are "complicated" or you feel like you're putting in work to keep his attention, it's because he doesn't want you. And just because he doesn't want you doesn't mean you're not intelligent, beautiful, hard-working, etc. or that you should start doubting yourself. It just means this particular man does not want you and you're right, you can't prove yourself to men. So the last thing you should do is work harder at winning him over. It's simple, but it took me a while to accept this.
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Thanks for breaking it down even further. I went through something like that with someone. I tried so hard to prove my worth! In the end, we still broke up and the person loses respect for you!! If the glove doesn't fit, then you musta quit!

This threadis good
 
Understand that baby red flags usually come with huge gigantic red flags that you just can't see yet, that he is hiding. That's why trusting your intuition is sooo important. Bad men know how to hide things VERY well, they are masters at it. It may take years for you to figure everything out. And by the time you do, you will be left heartbroken, and he will be on his merry way looking for another victim. And do not be fooled. A predator is a predator is a predator. No matter how happy he seems after you break up, and no matter how happy his new "love" seems, he will do the same thing to her too, he will just be even sneakier because of what he learned from being with you. A bad man does not magically turn into a wonderful, truly good guy. It just doesn't happen.

Also, quit believing everyone is good underneath, or has a good heart, or is just misunderstood, or just needs to be loved. Some people are bad to the bone, are evil, are master manipulators, and will do whatever it takes to destroy you, and will sleep like a baby at night.
 
So true!!!!!


hopeful said:
Understand that baby red flags usually come with huge gigantic red flags that you just can't see yet, that he is hiding. That's why trusting your intuition is sooo important. Bad men know how to hide things VERY well, they are masters at it. It may take years for you to figure everything out. And by the time you do, you will be left heartbroken, and he will be on his merry way looking for another victim. And do not be fooled. A predator is a predator is a predator. No matter how happy he seems after you break up, and no matter how happy his new "love" seems, he will do the same thing to her too, he will just be even sneakier because of what he learned from being with you. A bad man does not magically turn into a wonderful, truly good guy. It just doesn't happen.

Also, quit believing everyone is good underneath, or has a good heart, or is just misunderstood, or just needs to be loved. Some people are bad to the bone, are evil, are master manipulators, and will do whatever it takes to destroy you, and will sleep like a baby at night.
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Anonymous53 said:
Out of curiousity, why? You know, just out of curiousity.:look:

How wouldn't you broach the subject? This has been on my mind for a while and I need to be schooled.
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The number is unimportant and will fuel a mans ego or bruise his pride. Either is bad for you and it's not worth it. I also don't want to know about his body count. If he's a slut it will reflect in his language and behaviors.
I literally just ignore and change subjects immediately. If he presses it, then ask why he wants to know. He will say something like: I want to know how experienced/pure/adventurous/crazy you are. So you cute laugh and tell them you'd rather show them how experienced/pure/adventurous/crazy you are and how you don't focus on the past when the future looks so good. And then you're good :look:
 
Always trust your instinct. ALWAYS. This ain't baseball! No one gets three strikes before they are out, they get NONE.
Be cutthroat, be heartless, be selfish.
If you have a standard UPHOLD IT. Do not waiver on your demands.
Give eye contact dammit. Speak with conviction. Forgo your cute little girl voice while dating. Be sweet and endearing but do not be generous with your time. Stop rearranging your life. Stop thinking you owe him ANYTHING because he did some generic Nice Dude performance.
Your time is money and it costs.
Invest in your dating wardrobe.
If you're a slut, be an undercover slut. Do not be like Amber Rose. Use LHCF to talk about your slut life but not ANYWHERE else. Make slut friends and learn.
Date until you start feeling like you know men like the back of your hand, then abuse that knowledge to your advantage. Become confident around ANY man.
Go on the dates that scare you.
Ghost the guys you don't click with, stop over explaining yourself.
Stop saying sorry for everything, you're annoying.
Become demanding. Use the word No.
 
- You'll never be enough for a man who just doesn't want to commit. It doesn't matter how good you screw him, how much you do for him or how many hoops you jump through.

- The minute you realize you're not going to get what you need from him, bounce. If you don't, one day you'll look up and realize you spent YEARS in a relationship (or "situation") that never progressed. There is nothing worse than wasted time, because you can't get it back.

- Just because he's better than the last guy doesn't make him a good guy. If you've dealt with guys who called you out your name, were abusive or blatantly treated you like s**t, it's easy for the next guy to look like Prince Charming because he doesn't do those things. But he may be a bad guy in ways that are more subtle.

- "Chemisty" and/or "having a connection" are not good enough reasons to continue with someone who clearly doesn't value or respect you.
 
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Awesome advice ladies!!!! My daughters will be dating at some point in the near future and this is great information for them to have once they start. I'm married, but didn't have much dating experience before meeting my husband, so this thread will allow me to better prepare my daughters.
 
frogkisses said:
Always trust your instinct. ALWAYS. This ain't baseball! No one gets three strikes before they are out, they get NONE.
Be cutthroat, be heartless, be selfish.
If you have a standard UPHOLD IT. Do not waiver on your demands.
Give eye contact dammit. Speak with conviction. Forgo your cute little girl voice while dating. Be sweet and endearing but do not be generous with your time. Stop rearranging your life. Stop thinking you owe him ANYTHING because he did some generic Nice Dude performance.
Your time is money and it costs.
Invest in your dating wardrobe.
If you're a slut, be an undercover slut. Do not be like Amber Rose. Use LHCF to talk about your slut life but not ANYWHERE else. Make slut friends and learn.
Date until you start feeling like you know men like the back of your hand, then abuse that knowledge to your advantage. Become confident around ANY man.
Go on the dates that scare you.
Ghost the guys you don't click with, stop over explaining yourself.
Stop saying sorry for everything, you're annoying.
Become demanding. Use the word No.
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
-99% of relationship problems would be solved if people had good boundaries. If you don't, get some!

-If he's sending you mixed messages, it's because he's confused about what he wants from you. Bounce! It's not your job to wait around to let him figure his sh*t out. Date others!

-If you keep getting sick, having unexplained or lingering/ recurring illnesses you might wanna take a hard look at your relationship(s). Your body usually knows what your heart or mind refuses to accept. Stress is a killer. If something or someone keeps stressing you out, leave! They're not gonna change unless you put your foot down and demand better. Don't let them mofos kill you! You'll be dead and gone while they have no trouble sleeping at night on their backs with the window cracked.

-Do not rearrange your life for any man. Don't stop living your life, doing your hobbies or dropping your friends all because you have a man now. Keep your life as is.

-Self-esteem, don't leave home without it. Definitely don't date without it. That's asking for trouble.

-While you wait for your right man to find you, keep working on you. Start that business you've always wanted to start, buy that house you always wanted, move or travel to the city that keep calling out to you. In short, keep your life as happy and fulfilled as possible so that a man is just the icing on the cake, not the whole f*cking cake!

-If you complain to your friends more than once about something your man is doing that is bothering you, it's time to make some changes. He's not gonna change so only you know if you can live with what bothers you. After that stop talking about it and let it go! It's your choice at this point.

-Always date multiple men at once. That way you don't up get hung up on one man too soon and put up with bullsh*t you otherwise wouldn't if you had a roster.

-No one changes overnight. People are constantly showing you who they are. Believe them the first time! The signs of abuse or manipulation are always there. You might lie to yourself so you don't see them but they're always there so pay attention. Write them down if you have to! You might just discover that you're not so crazy after all. Look up the term: gaslighting!

-When in doubt ask yourself: "If my daughter was getting treated the way I'm being treated right now, what would I tell her?"
 
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frogkisses said:
Always trust your instinct. ALWAYS. This ain't baseball! No one gets three strikes before they are out, they get NONE.
Be cutthroat, be heartless, be selfish.
If you have a standard UPHOLD IT. Do not waiver on your demands.
Give eye contact dammit. Speak with conviction. Forgo your cute little girl voice while dating. Be sweet and endearing but do not be generous with your time. Stop rearranging your life. Stop thinking you owe him ANYTHING because he did some generic Nice Dude performance.
Your time is money and it costs.
Invest in your dating wardrobe.
If you're a slut, be an undercover slut. Do not be like Amber Rose. Use LHCF to talk about your slut life but not ANYWHERE else. Make slut friends and learn.
Date until you start feeling like you know men like the back of your hand, then abuse that knowledge to your advantage. Become confident around ANY man.
Go on the dates that scare you.
Ghost the guys you don't click with, stop over explaining yourself.
Stop saying sorry for everything, you're annoying.
Become demanding. Use the word No.
Click to expand...

The bolded. I had to stop that. Still working on it. Sorry is automatic for me.
 
frogkisses said:
Always trust your instinct. ALWAYS. This ain't baseball! No one gets three strikes before they are out, they get NONE.
Be cutthroat, be heartless, be selfish.
If you have a standard UPHOLD IT. Do not waiver on your demands.
Give eye contact dammit. Speak with conviction. Forgo your cute little girl voice while dating. Be sweet and endearing but do not be generous with your time. Stop rearranging your life. Stop thinking you owe him ANYTHING because he did some generic Nice Dude performance.
Your time is money and it costs.
Invest in your dating wardrobe.
If you're a slut, be an undercover slut. Do not be like Amber Rose. Use LHCF to talk about your slut life but not ANYWHERE else. Make slut friends and learn.
Date until you start feeling like you know men like the back of your hand, then abuse that knowledge to your advantage. Become confident around ANY man.
Go on the dates that scare you.
Ghost the guys you don't click with, stop over explaining yourself.
Stop saying sorry for everything, you're annoying.
Become demanding. Use the word No.
Click to expand...

200_s.gif
 
-If you're meant to be together, it'll happen. Don't worry about it. Just because it didn't work out right now doesn't mean it won't work out in the future when you're both older and wiser. In the meantime, let them go COMPLETELY and date others. Explore ALL possibilities.

-Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean he didn't really like you or you have no value. You don't know what's going on in his mind. He's got his own demons to fight that have nothing to do with you or your self-worth. Chuck it up to a lesson learned, love yourself and move on.

-When it's over, it's over. After a breakup, block all contact with the ex, erase ALL traces of them in your life (erase all texts, pics, emails, etc...) and move on. Block their family and friends too. Heck even block their dog if possible! :lol: Make a clean break and start over. You can't fall for a new man if you're still hung up on the old one.

-Meeting his friends and family really doesn't mean anything if he doesn't ask you to be his girlfriend and introduce you as such.
 
frogkisses said:
Always trust your instinct. ALWAYS. This ain't baseball! No one gets three strikes before they are out, they get NONE.
Be cutthroat, be heartless, be selfish.
If you have a standard UPHOLD IT. Do not waiver on your demands.
Give eye contact dammit. Speak with conviction. Forgo your cute little girl voice while dating. Be sweet and endearing but do not be generous with your time. Stop rearranging your life. Stop thinking you owe him ANYTHING because he did some generic Nice Dude performance.
Your time is money and it costs.
Invest in your dating wardrobe.
If you're a slut, be an undercover slut. Do not be like Amber Rose. Use LHCF to talk about your slut life but not ANYWHERE else. Make slut friends and learn.
Date until you start feeling like you know men like the back of your hand, then abuse that knowledge to your advantage. Become confident around ANY man.
Go on the dates that scare you.
Ghost the guys you don't click with, stop over explaining yourself.
Stop saying sorry for everything, you're annoying.
Become demanding. Use the word No.
Click to expand...

This doesn't have anything to do with romantic relationships, but it made me think of what you said about saying "sorry".

There are these 2 women I work with who say "sorry" all the time, for every little thing, and repeat it over and over after you've responded. I used to say that's ok, you have nothing to be sorry about, don't be sorry,etc. I've recently started saying "good. You should be" :lachen: that ish is so annoying! Shut the entire hell up! I wonder if chronic sorry sayers realize how annoying that is?
 
hopeful said:
Trust your gut. Unless you have been diagnosed with some type of paranoid condition, trust your gut. Not what he says, not what your friends say, sometimes you can't even trust his actions. Some men are SLICK! Will take you out, open doors, pay for every single date, BUT your gut just KNOWS something is wrong! So I say that everythang should be in allignment: what he says; what he does; how he appears to feel about you; and how you feel when you are with him AND when you are not. It all matters. Love is not supposed to be hard, stressful, begged for, or earned.

And watch out for "charming" men and those who want to sweep you off your feet. You want a real man and a real relationship, not a fairytale or a fantasy.
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Don't believe these "fake" Nice Guys. They are worst and will feed into the insecurities, desires and wants most women crave in a relationship/dating situation.

Also, if you met a guy and all their friends/family around them say, "oh, he's such a nice guy", "So and So would give you the shirt off his back" or "He is so amazing, you got a catch"

RUN NOT WALK FOR THE HILLS!!!

That is the biggest red flag of them all.
 
MD_Lady said:
Yup. Every time I turned the other cheek, I got slapped across the face. Say what you've got to say and be done with it (especially since a "sensitive" man won't be NEARLY as careful with your feelings and he'll want you to be with his.

To add to what Browndilocks said...

Never assume that the two of you agree on where the relationship stands and/or where it's going, ALWAYS ASK (and, if you don't feel comfortable asking, that's a red flag).

There's nothing wrong with a woman choosing to leave her comfort zone, but there's EVERYTHING wrong with a man pressuring her to.

The only issues you can resolve are the ones that have to deal with you. If a man's issues ultimately lie with HIM (his self-esteem, his past experiences, his insecurities, etc. ) no amount of kindness, sex, attention, etc. from you is going to resolve them.

If a man wants you in his life, he'll make time for you (and, if he doesn't call you his "girlfriend", it's because you're not).

Loneliness makes strong people weak.
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Yes! This!
 
If you have to question whether he loves you, then you have a huge problem especially if you are married. When a man loves you, you will know by his words and actions.

First and foremost, he will tell you that he loves you and then his actions will match his words. Even the most conservative/shy man will find a way to make it known that he loves you. He may not say it out loud often but he will bust his behind trying to show you by his actions. If you love coffee and you wake up to a fresh cup every morning by your bedside, you've never set foot in a mechanic's store but your car is in tip top shape with a full tank of gas, you wake up late one morning in a panic and then realize he let you sleep in while he fed the baby or took the kids to the park to give you a break, you always find a bottle of your favorite wine in the fridge so you can let loose on a Friday night, he texts, calls or checks up on you during the workday just to see how you are doing even if you will be together later that evening etc etc. Actions is key. Words without actions are meaningless.

If you have to compete for his time, attention and affection, then he is not the one. If President Obama can find time for date night with his wife, then your man is not too busy for you. He's just not that into you. Men make time for things that they find valuable.
 
okange76 said:
If you have to question whether he loves you, then you have a huge problem especially if you are married. When a man loves you, you will know by his words and actions.

First and foremost, he will tell you that he loves you and then his actions will match his words. Even the most conservative/shy man will find a way to make it known that he loves you. He may not say it out loud often but he will bust his behind trying to show you by his actions. If you love coffee and you wake up to a fresh cup every morning by your bedside, you've never set foot in a mechanic's store but your car is in tip top shape with a full tank of gas, you wake up late one morning in a panic and then realize he let you sleep in while he fed the baby or took the kids to the park to give you a break, you always find a bottle of your favorite wine in the fridge so you can let loose on a Friday night, he texts, calls or checks up on you during the workday just to see how you are doing even if you will be together later that evening etc etc. Actions is key. Words without actions are meaningless.

If you have to compete for his time, attention and affection, then he is not the one. If President Obama can find time for date night with his wife, then your man is not too busy for you. He's just not that into you. Men make time for things that they find valuable.
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Quoted for emphasis. Especially the bolded.
 
hopeful said:
No matter how happy he seems after you break up, and no matter how happy his new "love" seems, he will do the same thing to her too, he will just be even sneakier because of what he learned from being with you. A bad man does not magically turn into a wonderful, truly good guy. It just doesn't happen.
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This is soooooo true!
 
Don't be afraid to ask difficult questions. And listen to what he's not saying just as closely as you listen to what he is saying.

I've learned that there are things that I have zero tolerance for and I do not bend on those issues/situations. This way I know I'm not settling.

I've learned to pay attention to how he handles himself under pressure. Not just in the our relationship, but also in his other relationships with others (co workers, family and friends).
 
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