Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

Sosoothing said:
@discodumpling

Did your friend know what you told her was a secret? Did you explicitly tell her not to repeat what you told her?
We all have different levels of sensitivity maybe she didn't realize whatever you told her was for her ears only?
Click to expand...
Valid point. I didn't think of that. I also didn't think I'd have to say "this is between us" because our conversations have always been just between us.
 
Plushottie said:
From your words you may have an avoidant attachment type. Have you addressed that hey what I share in private with you because I trust you isn’t to be disclosed and that hurt me that you would make a off handed remark.
It’s not fair to do all the avoiding behavior esp if haven’t addressed it. If you have history w her of similar behavior then I understand the pull back. Address and see her reaction. And if no remorse no cares then exit because you don’t deserve that. Boundaries are important.
Click to expand...
I feel you and agree about my avoidance issues. Part of not addressing it is I don't want to hear what I perceive as ingenious.
Thanks for this. Perhaps February will be a time for forgiveness.
 
Black Ambrosia said:
@discodumpling I know you don't want to share too much info but it's hard to form an opinion on how shady her comment was without more detail.

Have you trusted her with other secrets in the past? If so, is this the first time she's said anything shady?
Click to expand...
I have trusted her with my business before. This is the 1st time she's been shady. This is why I'm so shocked. I know there are levels to shade...I just need one time and I'm out though.
Details that may or may not be important: I've known her for over 20 yrs. She is the wife of one of DH's closest friends. She is also a great Godmother to our DD.
We've had 1 falling out before (at least 10 yrs ago)where she stopped talking to me. We would still not be talking had She not reached out apologized and expressed herself...cause again I'm not the forgiving type.
Thank you so much ladies. I'm pretty sure I'll be forgiving this transgression after letting old girl know what I'm feeling. I'm starting to think this is the friendship that might be worth it.
 
discodumpling said:
Valid point. I didn't think of that. I also didn't think I'd have to say "this is between us" because our conversations have always been just between us.
Click to expand...

I completely understand feeling like you didn't think you had to explicitly tell her to keep it confidential.
I only asked because I have been on both sides of an issue like this. Sometimes people/friends need to be cautioned coz they may not realize how personal of an issue something is to you.
 
I found a group of outdoorsy black folks that I plan on meeting up with. I am not an outdoors type but I am looking to try new things and this may be it. I want new hobbies.
I am looking for fun experiences. My circle has become smaller, the pandemic made me see how folks really move and that is ok.
 
Last edited:
discodumpling said:
Need some advice...not sure I'm doing the right thing.
I have 1 ONE friend. She's all I have room for in the friend department....OK not quite true now that I wrote that. But she's the one I give my time to. She recently said something shady. We were in public and I had just told her a "secret" and she shadily mentioned it while we were in others company.
I was stunned for a moment. Tucked her words to the side of my mind and continued to enjoy myself at this before Christmas Birthday party.
I forget nothing. I am unforgiving. I have always been quick to dead a friendship as soon as something goes left.
Since this event...I have avoided her. She calls, she texts etc She's my brunch partner and I've been making excuses to not do what we do..cause I no longer trust her. I told her I'm not gonna be out in these streets till February cause #covid
I mourned the loss of this friendship and actually shed a tear or two.
February is coming. I don't want to make anymore excuses. I know I'll never look her the same. I don't want to be a suckered and ever give her the opportunity to be shady towards me again.
How would y'all move forward?
Click to expand...

Yes I would cut her off or basically keep a very shallow distant relationship with her where we barely see or talk to eachother.
I am the same way as you are, I don't forgive or forget and I sleep just fine at night. I am teaching my kids about this now. Never trust someone again that takes what you told them in private and they throw it back at you maliciously or they say it in public casually. I don't give them a chance to do it to me again.

At least you have other friends to interact with.
By you shedding a tear shows how hurt your are at the loss of a friendship so maybe ending it wouldn't be best but it also depends on her bad her level of shakiness is.
 
Last edited:
BrownBetty said:
I found a group of outdoorsy black folks that I plan on meeting up with. I am not an outdoors type but I am looking to try new things and this may be it. I want new hobbies.
I am looking for fun experiences. My circle has become smaller, the pandemic made me see how folks really move and that is ok.
Click to expand...
Aww that sounds great! I wish i knew more outdoorsy black people. All the people around me only like sitting in air conditioned restaurants. Dont even like patio seating.
 
Royalq said:
Aww that sounds great! I wish i knew more outdoorsy black people. All the people around me only like sitting in air conditioned restaurants. Dont even like patio seating.
Click to expand...
This is why black people ain't outdoorsy.
tumblr_na0r78A0n01tsf68ao1_400.gif

When I be out hiking if I see animals that don't run away from me fast enough, it's grand opening/grand closing.
 
So my friend has been looking for computers for her wfh job. We went to the the electronic store 3 times and each time she bought 2 sets of computers and a laptop and returned them in 2 weeks. It was either too small or too big or she didn't like the features!

And each time we spent an hour with the sales guy going over in great detail about the features. Now she's thinking about ordering online. At this point I want no parts of this and I'm seriously wondering what's going on with her mentally.
 
discodumpling said:
Update. We had the most awkward coffee date. All the things I planned to say dried up in my mouth as I listened to her being petty and judgemental about other people.
I left that brunch without saying what I'd gone there to say and im not sure WHY I didn't say what I wanted to.
Click to expand...
Maybe you don’t trust her? Didn’t feel safe enough to share honestly since you are realizing she is petty and judgmental. If that’s the case perhaps being vulnerable and honest wasn’t a good idea? I guess I’m saying that not telling her how you felt was probably the best move. Or at least you need a little more time to decide how to proceed.
 
hopeful said:
Maybe you don’t trust her? Didn’t feel safe enough to share honestly since you are realizing she is petty and judgmental. If that’s the case perhaps being vulnerable and honest wasn’t a good idea? I guess I’m saying that not telling her how you felt was probably the best move. Or at least you need a little more time to decide how to proceed.
Click to expand...
I agree. It’s like when Bernie Mac joked about not telling your business to someone that just got done talking about everyone else’s business. Then they ask you how are you doing, and you tell them you’re doing FINE!
 
A close friend of mine's son has passed away at 24yo and I just feel like a terrible terrible friend I don't know how to be there for her and I don't know if I can be there for her. I was there day 1 and 2 but I have slowly maybe not even slowly I have taken two steps back and to top it off the funeral is out of town and i cant /dont want to go.

I cant stop thinking about everything, all of our kids are the same ages and we always had the most work to do with the middle ones , they were/ are truly middle children who lived very similar lives. there was times she would call me with her son stories and my son would be on my other line with damn near the same exact what we called middle child problems.

As of late i have been busying myself trying to stay focused on what i feel i need to be getting done in my own life but she calls or text and i dread answering her or i start overthinking all of my response to the point i wont answer right away or i have to call her back. I have answered every call and text and i listen but i dont reach out i told her i know she is busy but i am here but i am not.

Today i was telling (complaining) my cousin about something my friend asked me to do then i said i dont know how to tell her im not going to the funeral and my cousin said what you think she wants you to drive her and i was very disappointed in my cousins response i became very defensive over my friend but i realize that i must have given her a negative impression of her and the whole situation.

I know my truth i am sad and scared and afraid of the responsibilities that death brings i am scared and sad for all the places in my heart mind and spirit that tie our life together and my absolute truth is I run away from hard and scary and sad things and im trying to get away from this too.
 
discodumpling said:
@danniegirl sounds like your friend needs a friend. I get that you don't want to do it but if not you who will be there for this woman who has lost her child?
I get protecting your peace. But if y'all been rocking as mom friends for so long this is not where you get to bow out Sis.
Click to expand...

Thank you and you are totally right, I did a bit of work for her today i have more physical labor scheduled for tomorrow, i booked my ticket and made my arrangements to go to the funeral. For now I am doing what I can and i am trying really hard not to let my anxiety get in my way of being a friend i just pray its enough.
 
danniegirl said:
Thank you and you are totally right, I did a bit of work for her today i have more physical labor scheduled for tomorrow, i booked my ticket and made my arrangements to go to the funeral. For now I am doing what I can and i am trying really hard not to let my anxiety get in my way of being a friend i just pray its enough.
Click to expand...
Reading your initial post stung as I have been the friend in need and others left. I understand this is a lot. Vulnerability and communication go miles. It’s painful to think about as the loss of a baby is deep no matter the age. Hope your friend finds peace and also your too.
 
danniegirl said:
Thank you and you are totally right, I did a bit of work for her today i have more physical labor scheduled for tomorrow, i booked my ticket and made my arrangements to go to the funeral. For now I am doing what I can and i am trying really hard not to let my anxiety get in my way of being a friend i just pray its enough.
Click to expand...
That’s great that you’re pushing past your pain, fear and anxiety. I think sometimes people are afraid of their emotions, afraid of breaking down and crying and wanting to be strong for the other person, but it’s good to feel those emotions and let them out, otherwise we’ll always be running from them. If you feel mad, sad, angry, confused, lost, give yourself time to feel those feelings and if it comes up while visiting or talking to your friend that’s okay too. Someone very special to you passed, these feelings are natural and normal. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Releasing your emotions will help you feel better and lighter. Also, sometimes we imagine confronting things that scare us and we see ourselves breaking down or having no control of our emotions, but when we do face that fear we handle it a lot better than we thought.
 
Grrr. One friend in the group gets away with a little too much. And two things happened in a short amount of time that have me annoyed. First she was rude and then she caused us all to spend more money on something.

We're not as close as some others in the group but it opened my eyes more what the friends who are closer to her deal with.

And me and her are two of the single girls in the group so you'd think we'd chill and connect more. No freaking thank you. Our level of friendship can stay where it's at.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

SurferBabe
Life Lessons Learned The Hard Way: Dating & Relationship Edition
2
Replies
57
Views
2K
julzinha
julzinha
mischka
The Five Un-Romantic Keys to a Happy Relationship
Replies
24
Views
817
SerenavanderWoodsen
SerenavanderWoodsen
SurferBabe
  • Sticky
Thread for the heartbroken
40 41 42
Replies
1K
Views
51K
PatDM'T
PatDM'T
LadyBlu
Playing The Game
Replies
9
Views
297
amara11
A
Cincysweetie
Someone Please Explain the Whole "Friends First" Thing to Me
Replies
20
Views
672
erokawa
erokawa
Back
Top