Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

[Nay]

FRIENDS are definitely hard to come by. I can relate.

 

[yamilee21]

@TwoSnapsUp I’m sorry you are feeling this way; making friends in adulthood is particularly hard, but making friends in general in this society is difficult because our lives are so compartmented, and there are rarely any reinforcing ties between the segments.

That said, it’s probably a bit unfair to say that your oldest friends aren’t interested in “balancing” their lives now that they have children. This society makes it incredibly and unnecessarily hard on parents to achieve any kind of balance, and few parents of young children have the kind of support they need. Depending on the kids’ ages, perhaps you can come up with some kind of activity that would allow them to spend time with you and their children?

 

[Plushottie]

@TwoSnapsUp i had to pause reading your post because I had to make sure I hadn’t written it. I don’t have the married friend thing tho it takes 2 to tango and I have seen many where it’s the silent removal or allowing things to fade wo direct ending. I only talk to people for work outside of that I have no one. I even joined a church even tho I’m online only now it still feels very isolating. I don’t have any faux positivity to give just know your not alone.
I think in our society friendship isn’t valuable enough to fight for as many can hide behind notion of marriage. Now before someone comes for me I have chatted with a lot of different people over the yrs and some who did and then got divorced and they felt that hit even more.
I wonder if I will ever beheld in love at all.

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

@TwoSnapsUp I’m sorry you are feeling this way; making friends in adulthood is particularly hard, but making friends in general in this society is difficult because our lives are so compartmented, and there are rarely any reinforcing ties between the segments.

That said, it’s probably a bit unfair to say that your oldest friends aren’t interested in “balancing” their lives now that they have children. This society makes it incredibly and unnecessarily hard on parents to achieve any kind of balance, and few parents of young children have the kind of support they need. Depending on the kids’ ages, perhaps you can come up with some kind of activity that would allow them to spend time with you and their children?

You are right, it was wrong of me to say that. I guess I am just tired of having text pen pal relationships with people I have known for decades. Because I don’t have children myself, despite really wanting them, being arounds other people with their children would only trigger feelings of sadness. I’m trying to accept that God didn’t want a family for me. I’ve decided to take the rest of the year to work on ME. I’ll still socialize but the focus will be on myself.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

A lot of people who we think are "friends" are just lurkers. They feel safe with you as long as you stay at the same level. But as you grow, change and evolve, their true colors come out. I've lost many "friends" over the years as I started to step fully into my authentic self.

 

[Fine 4s]

A lot of people who we think are "friends" are just lurkers. They feel safe with you as long as you stay at the same level. But as you grow, change and evolve, their true colors come out. I've lost many "friends" over the years as I started to step fully into my authentic self.

Very very true!!!!

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm over it and have limit my interactions and moving on just fine

 

[Fine 4s]

Sorry for that long post y’all just looking at it now.

 

[Plushottie]

@Fine 4s i feel over the past few yrs people no matter how long you may know them have been claws out. I think all the changes has people on this almost catty vibe. I would address it so it’s not left to it’s own devices even tho they have acted as tho nothing happened. The lecture part was a bit much because why. Folks can want to be in your light yet have inner pain.
Weight right now is a bit prickly as some have gained rightfully so bc of all that the world is going on but that’s their area to own not project. Hope you all can move forward well, friends are valuable as I don’t have any yet healthy friends is all we want.

 

[Sosoothing]

@Fine 4s
I can take a stab if you like. I understand very much how this is unpleasant for you.

It sounds to me as though they took their insecurities out on you. You made a comment without being able to predict how personally they'd take it. No one's fault. They could have expressed their offense in a calmer, non defensive way if they indeed felt offended. You believe their reaction was extreme and it disturbed your feelings. Instead of them insisting you need to get over it, you'd feel better to have your feelings acknowledged and respected. Not dismissed. It would be also nice for the two ladies to acknowledge that you did feel ganged up on. Coz agreeing or disagreeing with you about being ganged up on does nothing to remove your feelings of disappointment, since it's being dismissed.

 

[Miss_Luna]

**Please don't quote**

I have a few close friends, all living in different parts of the world. Within the last 2.5yrs, I moved to a different country, got married and had a kid. None of these things were in my plan, but it has worked out well and I am honestly very grateful with how things turned out.

In that span of time, many of my friendships/relationships have really fallen apart. I'm no spring chicken, so this all happened relatively "later" in my life and had plenty of friends in this similar situation. Some of those friends are still around, actually most of my friends that are currently single are the ones that I speak with the most. I don't bring up my DH or child very often because I know that is a somewhat sensitive area for them and I'd also prefer to keep that relationship focused on our friendships and things that we have in common. It works for us and they don't judge or get annoyed if I do bring up my kid.

Many of my friends that are married or in long-term relationships, some with kids/some without, are the ones that have kind of fallen off. I don't know why; I thought these would be a little bit stronger. I'm actually surprised. I know we don't live near each other, but these are the relationships that I thought I could lean on. When I was single, they were there for me and listened to me complain about life, but now I could really use someone that understands where I'm coming from. This made me very sad this past weekend.

As I've mentioned here, after many therapy sessions, I had to really come to terms with my relationship with my mother. She came to visit and it was a disaster. I've had to mourn that relationship, but I'm more surprised at the friendships that I've had to mourn. Maybe one day we will get back on the same page, but as of right now, it has made me reflect on what I could have possibly done to get to this point. I reach out via text and things like that but I get back one-word responses, if that sometimes.

Just venting/reflecting after a breakdown this weekend.

 

[Fine 4s]

As you can tell by my previous posts Miss Luna, I’ve been struggling with friendships these past few years and it’s made me sad as well. Looks like it will take more effort to develop a support system that we really enjoy and can feel loved and appreciate it. I have no solution to offer just coming here to say I understand the friendship disappointment you speak of. Virtual hug my dear.
Perhaps it’s an opportunity to develop some inner strength, love, self compassion, practice detachment and learning to be our own close friend. In all situations lies an opportunity.

 

[Plushottie]

I send a big hug Miss Luna. I’m noticing such a big trend of platonic relationships fizzing out as folks are overwhelmed and can’t verbalize it. As a accidental recluse I am learning the need for supportive community. Sometimes when you outgrow the box of comfort others place you in they distance.

 

[Browndilocks]

@Fine 4s

Aww girlie I'm sorry this happened. Maybe you should fall back from these friendships a little. Create some space to evaluate other things that make you feel good.

 

[Ganjababy]

This is in regards to my relationship with my LHCF sisters. My 2 year membership was about to lapse. I have stated in dms with one or two members and to myself that I was not going to renew for a reason. But I was not able to log on for like 30 minutes and that reason was outta the window in no time lol. I appreciate all the ladies still on here. And for that reason alone I am still here…

 

[Fine 4s]

We love you Ganjababy!

 

[Miss_Luna]

Thanks for the kind words ladies.

I have met some great people on this site; "met" virtually and in-person, friends for over a decade now. I've also gotten some great advice here.
And while I don't sign in as often do to time and availability, when I am on here I appreciate the discussions.

So, thank you all for the sisterhood.

 

[BrownBetty]

I am a plus one to a baby shower. It is in the evening and I have no idea what to wear. Any ideas? It is at a hall I think. Thanks!

I've looked online and it seems anything goes but that can't be right.

 

[Fine 4s]

A nice summer dress not too sexy should be appropriate.

 

[Plushottie]

I’m team overdressed esp because I don’t go anywhere now. Dress, heels and makeup is perfect

 

[Ganjababy]

Work is starting to stress me out. We are sooooooo understaffed. I wish I could quit too. Everybody and their cousins are quitting. I think its due to a bad, lackadaisical manager and COVID-19 burnout. I can afford to stay at home but my conscience won’t allow it. I feel I cannot just abandon patients.

 

[Plushottie]

Work is starting to stress me out. We are sooooooo understaffed. I wish I could quit too. Everybody and their cousins are quitting. I think its due to a bad, lackadaisical manager and COVID-19 burnout. I can afford to stay at home but my conscience won’t allow it. I feel I cannot just abandon patients.

You must do what’s best for you long term and even the short.

 

[DVAntDany]

I am the problem that I don't keep new friends. I'll forget to exchange info, miraculously loose info, feel like I'm not on their level or go MIA for months at a time. The only reason I have friends now is because we can always pick up where we left off. Most of them I have known for over a decade.

Unfortunately, most (not all) of my long term friends aren't interested in what I like, but I happen to like what they like. So I have no one to call if I want to go skydiving, frolic at a renaissance festival or partner with for a bjj class. I'm usually open to new experiences and will practically try anything once. My friends on the other hand are stuck in their ways and I'm totally past the begging stage.

I want to make an effort to make more female friends. I only have 2 and everybody else is male. Not that I'm picky, but I don't necessarily want any new ones from my small town rural community.

Here are 3 prime examples of my misdoings:

Miraculously loose info
While working at the airport, I met a girl who just came back from Japan. We were the same age and she just finished up her JET program. It was something I so wanted to do, but was to chickens*t to try when I had the opportunity. We had so much in common. Even though I was on the clock, we talked until her delayed luggage finally came into baggage claims. I met her family and everything as she waited. She gave me her info because her phone wasn't compatible for use in the USA. My phone was dead. So she gave it to me on a piece of paper. I misplaced her info and didn't find it until 6 months later. I also wasn't in the right headspace at the time when I found it and was going through a lot. Then I misplaced it once more to never be found again.

Feel like I'm not on their level
I met some really cool people when I was invited to an online friend's bday party he was hosting. These people seemed to be so active in everything. Their jobs were amazing, they were fluent in politics and were all around social butterflies. Even some were living the life I had once dreamed of. As time went on, I felt like a country bumpkin around them even though they were the type of people I needed to surround myself with. I try to hang with them at least once a year when they throw a get together, but that is like 3.5 hours away.

I go MIA for months at a time
I once decided to do a full on MMA program. So I was going 5 days a weeks doing Muay Thailand, TKD and BJJ training. Remember I live in the middle of nowhere so I had to travel a distance out to go there and back after working all day. I made a good female friend while there. After a few months, I was burnt out and stopped going. Shortly afterwards her husband was no longer on deployment and she stopped going as well. I did a little keeping up with her on the phone and FB. Life got busy and we forgot about each other. I can go months without social media and conveniently leaving my phone at home. I mean we still tell each other HBday on FB but that's about it. I guess I can still reach out to her but then I feel guilty about all the other people I neglect too.

Sadly, I treat my in person and online friends alike. I go through stages of being an outgoing and sociable person to becoming a misanthropic hermit. I can either work on myself to change or find people who can accept me as I am. I guess it depends on how badly I want new friends. Currently, I'm not in the market because I'm struggling being a decent friend to the ones I have.

 

[Plushottie]

I am the problem that I don't keep new friends. I'll forget to exchange info, miraculously loose info, feel like I'm not on their level or go MIA for months at a time. The only reason I have friends now is because we can always pick up where we left off. Most of them I have known for over a decade.

Unfortunately, most (not all) of my long term friends aren't interested in what I like, but I happen to like what they like. So I have no one to call if I want to go skydiving, frolic at a renaissance festival or partner with for a bjj class. I'm usually open to new experiences and will practically try anything once. My friends on the other hand are stuck in their ways and I'm totally past the begging stage.

I want to make an effort to make more female friends. I only have 2 and everybody else is male. Not that I'm picky, but I don't necessarily want any new ones from my small town rural community.

Here are 3 prime examples of my misdoings:

Miraculously loose info
While working at the airport, I met a girl who just came back from Japan. We were the same age and she just finished up her JET program. It was something I so wanted to do, but was to chickens*t to try when I had the opportunity. We had so much in common. Even though I was on the clock, we talked until her delayed luggage finally came into baggage claims. I met her family and everything as she waited. She gave me her info because her phone wasn't compatible for use in the USA. My phone was dead. So she gave it to me on a piece of paper. I misplaced her info and didn't find it until 6 months later. I also wasn't in the right headspace at the time when I found it and was going through a lot. Then I misplaced it once more to never be found again.

Feel like I'm not on their level
I met some really cool people when I was invited to an online friend's bday party he was hosting. These people seemed to be so active in everything. Their jobs were amazing, they were fluent in politics and were all around social butterflies. Even some were living the life I had once dreamed of. As time went on, I felt like a country bumpkin around them even though they were the type of people I needed to surround myself with. I try to hang with them at least once a year when they throw a get together, but that is like 3.5 hours away.

I go MIA for months at a time
I once decided to do a full on MMA program. So I was going 5 days a weeks doing Muay Thailand, TKD and BJJ training. Remember I live in the middle of nowhere so I had to travel a distance out to go there and back after working all day. I made a good female friend while there. After a few months, I was burnt out and stopped going. Shortly afterwards her husband was no longer on deployment and she stopped going as well. I did a little keeping up with her on the phone and FB. Life got busy and we forgot about each other. I can go months without social media and conveniently leaving my phone at home. I mean we still tell each other HBday on FB but that's about it. I guess I can still reach out to her but then I feel guilty about all the other people I neglect too.

Sadly, I treat my in person and online friends alike. I go through stages of being an outgoing and sociable person to becoming a misanthropic hermit. I can either work on myself to change or find people who can accept me as I am. I guess it depends on how badly I want new friends. Currently, I'm not in the market because I'm struggling being a decent friend to the ones I have.

Just my 2 cents from a non connected girl on the internet, I would find friends that accept you because trying to change unless you really want to won’t last or some resentment can brew. Now I can say I had similar of my last friend where we respected that we respond as we can because jobs/mental health etc but eventually that became no longer ok for me as I desired traditional contact/friendship.
You seem so sweet and just spunky in all the best ways.

 

[DVAntDany]

Just my 2 cents from a non connected girl on the internet, I would find friends that accept you because trying to change unless you really want to won’t last or some resentment can brew. Now I can say I had similar of my last friend where we respected that we respond as we can because jobs/mental health etc but eventually that became no longer ok for me as I desired traditional contact/friendship.
You seem so sweet and just spunky in all the best ways.

Thank you for that. I appreciate the kind words. That does makes sense to just be myself, but deep down inside I know I want more. I haven't yet become the person I need to be for the friendships I envision. At some point, I will have to do better and make the necessary changes within myself. I'm just not currently ready to commit to that self improvement.

 

[Plushottie]

Thank you for that. I appreciate the kind words. That does makes sense to just be myself, but deep down inside I know I want more. I haven't yet become the person I need to be for the friendships I envision. At some point, I will have to do better and make the necessary changes within myself. I'm just not currently ready to commit to that self improvement.

That shows so much self awareness to know yes I want to be a better version but I’m not ready to invest time yet. I have always been on self mastery but as I got older I had to accept some things I won’t be able to override and it would rob me of my gems.

 

[Nay]

This happened yesterday, and I thought it was kind of funny.

So I'm grocery shopping at Target. I'm pushing my basket down an aisle and a gentleman who looked to be about 65 and riding on one of those Rascal scooters says to me, "Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?" I say, "Sure." I thought he was going to ask me to hand him something on a high shelf.
He then says, "Are you married?" I say, "I sure am." He says, "Tell your husband that he is a lucky man because you are beautiful." I say, "Well, thank you" and go about my business. Now, I don't know how he could tell that I'm beautiful because I'm wearing a mask. But I admit that I was looking pretty cute in my fitted shirt and skinny jeans

Anyway, I get home and I tell the story to my husband. His response is to clown me and say, "So that's who you're pulling now, huh, the senior Rascal crowd."

 

[Plushottie]

This happened yesterday, and I thought it was kind of funny.

So I'm grocery shopping at Target. I'm pushing my basket down an aisle and a gentleman who looked to be about 65 and riding on one of those Rascal scooters says to me, "Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?" I say, "Sure." I thought he was going to ask me to hand him something on a high shelf.
He then says, "Are you married?" I say, "I sure am." He says, "Tell your husband that he is a lucky man because you are beautiful." I say, "Well, thank you" and go about my business. Now, I don't know how he could tell that I'm beautiful because I'm wearing a mask. But I admit that I was looking pretty cute in my fitted shirt and skinny jeans

Anyway, I get home and I tell the story to my husband. His response is to clown me and say, "So that's who you're pulling now, huh, the senior Rascal crowd."

Tell hubby he needs to stay on guard he could be a senior Rascal user but could be a billionaire you don’t lol.

 

[Nay]

Tell hubby he needs to stay on guard he could be a senior Rascal user but could be a billionaire you don’t lol.

Exactly!!

 

[Plushottie]

Exactly!!

Like lil Rascal scope your girl now you crying and puffy lol.