I'm The Oldest Child Raised By A Mother Who Is The Oldest Sibling

Try to listen more, don't give any solutions, let him find the solutions, allow him to solve the problems instead. Listen and encourage. One of my best friends was the baby and she drove me crazy with that. They often don't follow your advice anyway and just end up wasting your time and brain cells.
 
I've been trying to guide him to figure it out on his own but every morning it's the same thing. It's usually 5-10 minutes worth of complaining but this morning I snapped and gave him a list of solutions all of which he found excuses for. Sigh.
 
Yes. Do not guide anything. Seriously, just listen. I know it's hard because I am the oldest too. Say things like what were you thinking? And I'm sure you'll come up with a good way to solve the problem. That's it. He's a big boy, not a baby, and certainly not your baby. If he becomes your husband you can problem solve together sometimes. But right now you need to see what he's made of. He needs to strengthen his problem-solving and confidence muscle. You need to strengthen your sit back and let the guy solve the problem muscle.
 
You literally gave me a breakthrough. I just need to shut up. It's hard because it's getting annoying hearing the same things daily. Also growing up with a gaggle of sisters who aid and abet this nonsense isn't helping.

SweetNic_JA said:
He sounds annoying. I doubt this is all because of his birth order.
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Yes he is :look: I'm trying y'all I'm trying to be a better woman lol
 
He sounds whiney and he knows you will give this complaining attention so he is going to keep doing it. Put him on ignore in the morning or something. You better than me. I would have politely told him to stop complaining if he's not going to fix it and moved on.
 
Should I apologize for acting like a witch? I am apologetic person as well :look:

The complaints are trivial especially since I have real issues going on. He complains daily about work. He's tired, he's stressed, he's exhausted, his ceo & deputy ceo hate each other (why is this his problem) etc. Personally, his job is not that stressful in the least and he's paid handsomely compared to others in his field.

I usually listen but this morning, after having to deal with a real issue (my mother's tooth broke and she has to replace the entire tooth so that's a unanticipated health and financial issue) I really got fed up. I suggested that he goes on a dedicated vitamin regimen, eat more than sugar filled cereal for breakfast and exercise to reduce stress levels. Also, whoever hates whoever is not his problem. My brother does similar work but with more responsibility and manages his stress by lifting weights nearly every night. I suggested that as well. Every suggestion I made he shot down with a new excuse and when he was done came after me. So I let him have it.

I also lightweight think that he's competing with me. I could just be paranoid.
 
Godsdaughter001 said:
Why are you with him? What are his good points? Serious question. Is this basically are there is to him?
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His only downfall is that he's a complainer. That's really it. He's great otherwise, he's ambitious, family oriented, treats me exceptionally well, does (mostly) whatever I ask :look:, understand that I'm a delicate flower that need to be taken care of. He doesn't expect much from me financially, domestically or otherwise, he is fine with taking the lead and has never complained about that. He also apologizes whether he's right or wrong and has not only apologized for his morning but has (annoyingly) trying to make up for it for the past couple of hours. Plus he's morally and spiritually inclined. And that's what I can call off the top of my head. He's a great guy honestly.

I try to listen to his problems but they're not real problems to me. I have also tried to give solutions but he seems to enjoy complaining more than fixing the problem. I also do not want to hamper his openness with me. He tells me every single thing or at least 95%.
 
LiftedUp said:
His only downfall is that he's a complainer. That's really it. He's great otherwise, he's ambitious, family oriented, treats me exceptionally well, does (mostly) whatever I ask :look:, understand that I'm a delicate flower that need to be taken care of. He doesn't expect much from me financially, domestically or otherwise, he is fine with taking the lead and has never complained about that. He also apologizes whether he's right or wrong and has not only apologized for his morning but has (annoyingly) trying to make up for it for the past couple of hours. Plus he's morally and spiritually inclined. And that's what I can call off the top of my head. He's a great guy honestly.

I try to listen to his problems but they're not real problems to me. I have also tried to give solutions but he seems to enjoy complaining more than fixing the problem. I also do not want to hamper his openness with me. He tells me every single thing or at least 95%.
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Hmmm....very interesting dilemma! Usually it's the MAN complaining that the WOMAN never takes his advice and is always complaining about her problems lol :lol: :look:


Anyway..... I agree with a lot of the points on here stated already.

The only thing I would add is.... Have you ever had a heart to heart conversation with him where you calmly, sweetly, and femininely tell him something along the lines of:

"Hey babe...I really love you, you're so wonderful...you help me with x, y, z, and I really appreciate all that you do for me. However, I have to be honest, sometimes when I hear you complain about your job, it makes me feel.....(however it makes you feel). I try to give you some ideas to help you out with your stress, but I feel like my ideas/advice is ignored. I just want you to feel better babe. I hate to see you coming home looking and sounding so stressed. I like it better when you're happy, optimistic, and are feeling GOOD about life. It makes me feel so happy to see you happy. It also makes me feel :blondboob: when you're happy....lol :look: Is there anything I can do to help out and alleviate any of your stress???" :grin:


Have you tried anything like that?? Perhaps??? If there's one thing I know about men, it's that they cannot read our minds lol. And another thing, they LOVE to "provide" for us, so if you tell him what a good attitude and a stress-free/drama-free/complaining-free version of him would PROVIDE for you, then I think you might be on the right track and he would probably feel more inclined to stop complaining. :yep:


Just a thought!
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Have you tried anything like that?? Perhaps??? If there's one thing I know about men, it's that they cannot read our minds lol. And another thing, they LOVE to "provide" for us, so if you tell him what a good attitude and a stress-free/drama-free/complaining-free version of him would PROVIDE for you, then I think you might be on the right track and he would probably feel more inclined to stop complaining. :yep:


Just a thought!
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He said that he knows I'm trying to help but it cones across hurtful. I was very strong in what I said but I think he needs to toughen up a bit. Complying every single day is not cute.
 
LiftedUp said:
He said that he knows I'm trying to help but it cones across hurtful. I was very strong in what I said but I think he needs to toughen up a bit. Complying every single day is not cute.
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What comes across as hurtful? You trying to help him? Or the way you come across when you're giving him your advice?
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
What comes across as hurtful? You trying to help him? Or the way you come across when you're giving him your advice?
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The way I say it. Eat a healthier breakfast, work out, their relationship is none of your business myob, your well being is your responsibility so take ownership , complaining won't solve the problem, take vitamins etc :look: :lol:
 
LiftedUp said:
He said that he knows I'm trying to help but it cones across hurtful. I was very strong in what I said but I think he needs to toughen up a bit. Complying every single day is not cute.
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I think it hurts because it feels like he is being mothered, hence him feeling like a little boy. It sounds like he is a great guy overall. He just has that little boy part of him that acts like a baby sometimes. Just because he's acting that way doesn't mean you should go along with it. For example if you on occasion have the tendency to take charge, doesn't mean he should let you be the man and pay the bill, open your own door etc. Even if you have that tendency on occasion, he should still treat you like his lady.

No one is perfect. That is ok. This interaction is happening because you both have growing to do in this area. See it as a challenge. It is not your job to help him toughen up. That was his parents' job. And if they didn't do good enough job, now it's his job to figure it out. You not helping is actually more helpful to both of you.
 
I called him and told him that I was just trying to help him live a more relaxed life. He laughed it off and said that he knows. I'm going to drop it and let him figure it out. It's just that this morning I was so angry. Instead of me getting ready for work I spent and hour arguing about something that totally contradicted my whole "relaxed and stress free" advice.

Thanks again ladies :)
 
LiftedUp said:
The way I say it. Eat a healthier breakfast, work out, their relationship is none of your business myob, your well being is your responsibility so take ownership , complaining won't solve the problem, take vitamins etc :look: :lol:
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Oh I see..... :yep:

I agree with @hopeful on this one... Just because he is complaining doesn't mean you have to mother him. Once you've let him know in a feminine way that his complaining doesn't bring out the best in him and that you miss the nice, sweet, drama-free guy you first met lol.

Honestly, men who complain too much or get frazzled very easily kind of turn me off. I'm just being honest... :look: I can understand how this would be super annoying for you (I'm a first-born as well), so I definitely get it. Honestly, I'm trying to be more feminine in my overall demeanor and so a man like this would bring out my more "masculine" qualities that I've displayed for years, and honestly I don't want to go back to being that woman lol. I want a man to be able to take the lead and figure out his own problems, even if he has to regress into his cave in order to do it.

I'm not saying that he's always that way, or even that he shouldn't be this way...I'm just saying that for ME personally I don't know if I could be w/a man like that. I know for me personally I already worry about things...I couldn't deal w/a man who stressed out as much as me lol. :lol: I'm just being honest. I need a calm, rational, "everything will be okay" type of dude.
 
LiftedUp said:
I called him and told him that I was just trying to help him live a more relaxed life. He laughed it off and said that he knows. I'm going to drop it and let him figure it out. It's just that this morning I was so angry. Instead of me getting ready for work I spent and hour arguing about something that totally contradicted my whole "relaxed and stress free" advice.

Thanks again ladies :)
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Good for you! :up:
 
I'm the baby in my family and i always vent/whine just like that. the same ole thing for days and days.

when DH tries to tell me what to do about it I get :angry2: too.

:lol: is he aries ? maybe it's a trait of that sign.
 
LiftedUp said:
His only downfall is that he's a complainer. That's really it. He's great otherwise, he's ambitious, family oriented, treats me exceptionally well, does (mostly) whatever I ask :look:, understand that I'm a delicate flower that need to be taken care of. He doesn't expect much from me financially, domestically or otherwise, he is fine with taking the lead and has never complained about that. He also apologizes whether he's right or wrong and has not only apologized for his morning but has (annoyingly) trying to make up for it for the past couple of hours. Plus he's morally and spiritually inclined. And that's what I can call off the top of my head. He's a great guy honestly.

I try to listen to his problems but they're not real problems to me. I have also tried to give solutions but he seems to enjoy complaining more than fixing the problem. I also do not want to hamper his openness with me. He tells me every single thing or at least 95%.
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How long have you been together?
 
LiftedUp said:
I've been trying to guide him to figure it out on his own but every morning it's the same thing. It's usually 5-10 minutes worth of complaining but this morning I snapped and gave him a list of solutions all of which he found excuses for. Sigh.
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You expect him to listen?? Bwahaha :rofl:

If you want something done right don't yourself or leave others with no options so they can only make one choice.

If that doesn't work just tune him.out. that's my go to. I'm surrounded by babies who I never listen to. As.long as they think I am its all good......
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
"Hey babe...I really love you, you're so wonderful...you help me with x, y, z, and I really appreciate all that you do for me. However, I have to be honest, sometimes when I hear you complain about your job, it makes me feel.....(however it makes you feel). I try to give you some ideas to help you out with your stress, but I feel like my ideas/advice is ignored. I just want you to feel better babe. I hate to see you coming home looking and sounding so stressed. I like it better when you're happy, optimistic, and are feeling GOOD about life. It makes me feel so happy to see you happy. It also makes me feel :blondboob: when you're happy....lol :look: Is there anything I can do to help out and alleviate any of your stress???" :grin:
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I tried that. It was not effective. Neither were solutions and problem solving.

What worked was this, delivered kindly, but matter-of-fact'ly: "Listen. I love you. You're an amazing man and I want to have your babies. That said, all that there? In no way attractive. Like, Sahara. Also, I start reconsidering that baby thing. It is the opposite of sexy for my man to be getting dominated at his workplace. You come home pissy and carry a dark cloud with you. Which I do not need. Nobody wants to have sex with the energy sink. You can't expect that of me. I have my own problems, and they're actually real problems. :rolleyes: Pull yourself together."

And then a bj when he started acting right. :up: :look:

If he needs your specific brand of input, he'll ask for it. Otherwise, he's just whining, venting, and bringing negative energy. The difference in my house is like night and day. Even he notices it now.
 
I guess I just don't do well with complaining men. I'm all ears and supportive of my husband as he finds solutions to his own problems but that's where it ends. He's pretty laid back but if I notice that he's complaining, especially about things that are well within his power to correct I straight up tell him..."Look. All of this complaining ain't cute. Either deal with it or fix it but I'm done listening."
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Good for you! :up:
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Mai Tai said:
Either deal with it or fix it but I'm done listening."
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This is exactly my attitude.

LeftRightRepeat said:
I'm the baby in my family and i always vent/whine just like that. the same ole thing for days and days.

when DH tries to tell me what to do about it I get :angry2: too.

:lol: is he aries ? maybe it's a trait of that sign.
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He's aries, the youngest in his immediate family and the youngest among his cousins. What did I get myself into :/ lol

We've been together 1.5 years
 
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