He Left The Country Without Telling Me

[hopeful]

...but why spend alladat money and time getting to another city to avoid this jack off? Dont let this fool or your emotions run you out of your own home.

Sometimes you just gotta get some space between you and the manipulator so you can breathe. She is afraid he might just show up. I think she needs time to pull herself together.

Right now she is a gazelle. He is a lion. She will get stronger.

 

[Arian]

I've been thinking about your question and to be honest, I don't know why I posted. I know this is the end since I didn't move from my bed yesterday. I think I just wanted to hear stories from other women about the pain and ish they have been through.... but what good will that do?

He called me from Mexico when he arrived around 4pm my time yesterday. I didn't answer his 6 Facetime nor 3 phone calls. I am honestly walking away this time but it hurts so bad. I just read another thread about how to block numbers and that is timely.

**hugs for you** I have been in relationships with people that I should not have been with, but I have always had ONE rule. If I CATCH you, we are done. I'm not talking about what someone TELLS me...I'm talking cold, hard evidence. LEAVE!

And do whatever it is you need for you...when my ex broke my heart, I allowed myself to cry over and over with no shame or guilt. Until I was tired of crying, and then something miraculous happened... I suddenly UNDERSTOOD all the reasons why we were NOT together. I learned a lot about myself (through various experiences and other failed relationships).

 

[hopeful]

Why would he walk away? He's getting everything he wants. And why would he think there's no coming back? This is mild compared to what he's been caught doing before and he was allowed to come back from those things. You are the one getting the short end of the stick.

This is hard for women to accept. The guy isn't interested in going anywhere because he is getting everything he wants. All of his needs are being met. And he has no interest in meeting your needs. Most women don't operate this way. We don't think me me me me. We are more you me you me. It's hard to imagine that someone would be happy with taking taking and lying etc. because we would be miserable getting our needs met endlessly at someone else's expense. But you must understand and accept that some people and men operate this way and are perfectly fine doing so with no guilt whatsoever.

 

[Transformer]

She's in love with being in a relationship. Once she realizes that it's about being connected to someone and not really about him she will be fine.

 

[hopeful]

Ok I'm really gone now . Thank you OP for starting this thread. You are helping yourself and others. You can still be you, sweet and loving, but you just need to be more protective of yourself, your body, and your heart. You have to learn to be more discerning. Not so much guarded but wiser and more aware. You'll be ok.

 

[hopeful]

She's in love with being in a relationship. Once she realizes that it's about being connected to someone and not really about him she will be fine.

 

[Keen]

You're right. For some reason I guess I just felt like either he would use this opportunity to walk away or he would know this is the end and that there's no coming back. But maybe you're right and maybe this is all a game to him. I can't imagine he will contact me when he comes back on Friday, but I am booking a hotel in another city to stay there this weekend.

He will contact you. Apparently he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.

 

[Transformer]

He will contact you. Apparently he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.

No, he's entirely aware of what he's doing--he's simply amused at the desperation she HAS shown. She's assigned great VALUE to him or really a relationship and none to herself.

She's in a relationship with her herself and he's tried to tell her but she DIDN'T comprehend. In the meantime he's always been single, unencumbered, non-dedicated, not exclusive, and has no plans on changing. He will continue this behavior because ---women place great VALUE on him. He's valuable enough to acquire a permanent police mugshot, possible fired from her job, and have to purchase him new tires.

I guess this could be called a STRUGGLE RELATIONSHIP. It's hard having a relationship with just you which so many women think is the only option--it's not.

 

[msbettyboop]

Y'all have only been seeing each other since December... It's May... How/why does this "hurt so bad"? Why is your heart broken? Why do you need an escape plan and a link to an infidelity hotline, to get away from someone you've only been with for 5 months, and has been giving you grief since the beginning? Op, you're seeking to fill some type of void. You need to figure out what's going on with YOU.

Sorry but

 

[msbettyboop]

Ok. Exactly how do you slash someone's tires? With an industrial knife???? I'd most likely amputate myself if I attempted this....

 

[nlamr2013]

I don't know what to say. I really hope this is the end for you op
Block his number
Change your locks
Get a nice big loud dog
And watch your back
Dude seems like the type to not take rejection well

 

[nlamr2013]

 

[Miss_Luna]

No, he's entirely aware of what he's doing--he's simply amused at the desperation she HAS shown. She's assigned great VALUE to him or really a relationship and none to herself.

She's in a relationship with her herself and he's tried to tell her but she DIDN'T comprehend. In the meantime he's always been single, unencumbered, non-dedicated, not exclusive, and has no plans on changing. He will continue this behavior because ---women place great VALUE on him. He's valuable enough to acquire a permanent police mugshot, possible fired from her job, and have to purchase him new tires.

I guess this could be called a STRUGGLE RELATIONSHIP. It's hard having a relationship with just you which so many women think is the only option--it's not.

I'm going through this right now with someone. I told him that I am not interested in a relationship and that I don't believe in monogamy. He still calls/text, asks to go out, etc,. He wants to be in a relationship, NO MATTER WHAT. It's a little scary. He found my hair salon and remembered the times of my appointments and organized dates around the time I leave the shop and get off of work. I entertain him because he has already shown his crazy and I don't know what he's capable of. He even starts arguments in text messages, that I don't even reply to. It's like he's in a relationship with himself.

OP, you have to let this one go. The fact that he got on a plane and bounced on you like this says a lot. He is probably trying to avoid confrontation and expects you to get the hint and just walk away. Just walk away, for your own sake.

 

[msbettyboop]

Ok. That looks more like puncturing than slashing to me...

 

[Nyssa28]

Ok. That looks more like puncturing than slashing to me...

I'd be afraid of someone seeing me.

 

[DarkJoy]

No, he's entirely aware of what he's doing--he's simply amused at the desperation she HAS shown. She's assigned great VALUE to him or really a relationship and none to herself.

She's in a relationship with her herself and he's tried to tell her but she DIDN'T comprehend. In the meantime he's always been single, unencumbered, non-dedicated, not exclusive, and has no plans on changing. He will continue this behavior because ---women place great VALUE on him. He's valuable enough to acquire a permanent police mugshot, possible fired from her job, and have to purchase him new tires.

I guess this could be called a STRUGGLE RELATIONSHIP. It's hard having a relationship with just you which so many women think is the only option--it's not.

I'm going through this right now with someone. I told him that I am not interested in a relationship and that I don't believe in monogamy. He still calls/text, asks to go out, etc,. He wants to be in a relationship, NO MATTER WHAT. It's a little scary. He found my hair salon and remembered the times of my appointments and organized dates around the time I leave the shop and get off of work. I entertain him because he has already shown his crazy and I don't know what he's capable of. He even starts arguments in text messages, that I don't even reply to. It's like he's in a relationship with himself.

OP, you have to let this one go. The fact that he got on a plane and bounced on you like this says a lot. He is probably trying to avoid confrontation and expects you to get the hint and just walk away. Just walk away, for your own sake.

Yes I've been caught in more than one of these too.

OP, glad you are getting a grip on this. It is obsessive and speaks a lot of how unhealthy the whole thing is for you. Perhaps this is a case where you need to seek counseling to figure out how you got here and how you can avoid arriving here ever again.

 

[giigii613]

This kind of reminds me of the sister from the movie Mississippi Dammed. In the movie she could not move beyond her high school relationship. She ended up having to get professional help. It usually is an emotional void that causes us to attach ourselves to harmful situations. You can't just give away your love and get none back. Just think about how many things you've gotten for free only to disregard or drop in the trash. When you believe you are valuable people will act accordingly and @Leylu you are valuable, a lil emotionally imbalanced with the slashing of the tires thing, but still a valuable person who deserves love, honor, respect and to be with a person who brings the best out of you. Stay strong

 

[JustifiablyMe]

She's in love with being in a relationship. Once she realizes that it's about being connected to someone and not really about him she will be fine.

I read something similar to this. Most people are mourning about the loss of the potential relationship; not the actual person. Think about it - what is it about him (and the relationship) that makes him so great that you would be heartbroken? Nothing. It's the missed opportunity/potential you are mourning; not him.

ETA: I found some excerpts from Matthew Hussey's book How To Get The Guy which alludes to this. I tried to add screen shots but it won't upload so I copied and pasted. This is from the chapter How To Move On From Heartbreak:

"Consider this: the pain doesn’t come from losing your soul mate, but from the disappointment that this guy wasn’t your soul mate. It’s sad, but it’s not catastrophic. And if you look at it this way—that in some regard, he failed to live up to your values and standards, so how could he have been your soul mate?—the pain is likely to be less severe. I don’t mean to minimize the amount it hurts. I’ve been there, believe me. But by grieving only for your disappointment and dashed expectations, you allow yourself to remain open to the next guy who comes along. It’s a much more manageable type of pain."

This is helpful too:
"Another reason we sometimes overinvest is because we’re in love with someone’s potential. If I was forced to choose one dating scenario that never leads to happiness, it’s investing in a guy who’s a fixer-upper, who isn’t great relationship material now but might be sometime in the unforeseeable future."

 

[Leylu]

This is hard for women to accept. The guy isn't interested in going anywhere because he is getting everything he wants. All of his needs are being met. And he has no interest in meeting your needs. Most women don't operate this way. We don't think me me me me. We are more you me you me. It's hard to imagine that someone would be happy with taking taking and lying etc. because we would be miserable getting our needs met endlessly at someone else's expense. But you must understand and accept that some people and men operate this way and are perfectly fine doing so with no guilt whatsoever.

Wow, when I read this post it's like a light bulb went off. I have been so busy trying to please him and give him everything to make him happy, I didn't realize that he's probably only staying for convenience not because he really wants to or because he cares about me. You have a way of articulating things that just make things so plain.

She's in love with being in a relationship. Once she realizes that it's about being connected to someone and not really about him she will be fine.

I've been thinking about this a lot since I read it yesterday. I think this is where my recovery will begin...realizing that we aren't compatible and that I can and will find someone much more compatible who doesn't stress me out or cause me to doubt their every word. Thank you.

No, he's entirely aware of what he's doing--he's simply amused at the desperation she HAS shown. She's assigned great VALUE to him or really a relationship and none to herself.

She's in a relationship with her herself and he's tried to tell her but she DIDN'T comprehend. In the meantime he's always been single, unencumbered, non-dedicated, not exclusive, and has no plans on changing. He will continue this behavior because ---women place great VALUE on him. He's valuable enough to acquire a permanent police mugshot, possible fired from her job, and have to purchase him new tires.

I guess this could be called a STRUGGLE RELATIONSHIP. It's hard having a relationship with just you which so many women think is the only option--it's not.

I agree with all of this, except I don't think most women placed much value on him. I won't get in to too much details about him but from going through his phone, I can tell that a lot of his attempts to still get with other women is rooted in the fact that he is seeking validation from these women. A lot of them often legit ignored his texts/calls most of the time.

 

[Leylu]

I'm going through this right now with someone. I told him that I am not interested in a relationship and that I don't believe in monogamy. He still calls/text, asks to go out, etc,. He wants to be in a relationship, NO MATTER WHAT. It's a little scary. He found my hair salon and remembered the times of my appointments and organized dates around the time I leave the shop and get off of work. I entertain him because he has already shown his crazy and I don't know what he's capable of. He even starts arguments in text messages, that I don't even reply to. It's like he's in a relationship with himself.

OP, you have to let this one go. The fact that he got on a plane and bounced on you like this says a lot. He is probably trying to avoid confrontation and expects you to get the hint and just walk away. Just walk away, for your own sake.

Wow! Your stalker dude sounds legit crazy. Especially since you all aren't even in a relationship. Aren't you worried that he's being overbearing and creepy?

I do think this is his way of ending it and hoping I get the hint. Others on here seem to think he will contact me when he returns but he could've called me this week (he has an international cell plan). I don't see him calling and I do hope he just leaves me alone and we just both move on.

 

[Leylu]

This kind of reminds me of the sister from the movie Mississippi Dammed. In the movie she could not move beyond her high school relationship. She ended up having to get professional help. It usually is an emotional void that causes us to attach ourselves to harmful situations. You can't just give away your love and get none back. Just think about how many things you've gotten for free only to disregard or drop in the trash. When you believe you are valuable people will act accordingly and @Leylu you are valuable, a lil emotionally imbalanced with the slashing of the tires thing, but still a valuable person who deserves love, honor, respect and to be with a person who brings the best out of you. Stay strong

Thanks mama

 

[C@ssandr@]

Wow! Your stalker dude sounds legit crazy. Especially since you all aren't even in a relationship. Aren't you worried that he's being overbearing and creepy?

I do think this is his way of ending it and hoping I get the hint. Others on here seem to think he will contact me when he returns but he could've called me this week (he has an international cell plan). I don't see him calling and I do hope he just leaves me alone and we just both move on.

Nah. He will eventually reach out. They always do. So be prepared for that.

What has helped me is blocking numbers and sending unwanted texts straight to spam. This way I'm not caught off guard when old flames reach out cus I don't see the messages unless I check. Try it. It may give you a little peace of mind.

 

[Leylu]

Nah. He will eventually reach out. They always do. So be prepared for that.

What has helped me is blocking numbers and sending unwanted texts straight to spam. This way I'm not caught off guard when old flames reach out cus I don't see the messages unless I check. Try it. It may give you a little peace of mind.

How do you send texts to spam?

I am considering blocking his number from calling me but I have to admit, I am curious to know if he will even reach out when he gets back. Not that it matters, and not that I would answer the call. I just wanna see if he's gonna be an ever bigger a** and call me after he returns from having his fun in Cancun after a week of not thinking of me.

 

[C@ssandr@]

How do you send texts to spam?

I am considering blocking his number from calling me but I have to admit, I am curious to know if he will even reach out when he gets back. Not that it matters, and not that I would answer the call. I just wanna see if he's gonna be an ever bigger a** and call me after he returns from having his fun in Cancun after a week of not thinking of me.

He's going to hit you up. No offense, but you're his "sure bet". He may hit you up in order to find out why you've been quiet. If anything.

If you have an android phone, open up his text, hit settings, and choose "add to spam numbers". If that doesn't make sense, you can Google it. That's what helped me figure it out.

 

[Miss_Luna]

Wow! Your stalker dude sounds legit crazy. Especially since you all aren't even in a relationship. Aren't you worried that he's being overbearing and creepy?

I do think this is his way of ending it and hoping I get the hint. Others on here seem to think he will contact me when he returns but he could've called me this week (he has an international cell plan). I don't see him calling and I do hope he just leaves me alone and we just both move on.

He's definitely overbearing. Last week he texted me that "we" were going to see this show. I texted back "who are 'we'?" Then I had to inform him that he and I are not a "we". He didn't get it, he just said we can take separate cars .

I've had a legit stalker before and this guy is not nearly as creepy.

But back to your situation, even if he contacts you, it's best to let it go. Don't even give him the benefit of hearing your voice again.

 

[Layluh]

Cmon @Leylu put some respek on our screen names. This is ridiculous.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

How do you send texts to spam?

I am considering blocking his number from calling me but I have to admit, I am curious to know if he will even reach out when he gets back. Not that it matters, and not that I would answer the call. I just wanna see if he's gonna be an ever bigger a** and call me after he returns from having his fun in Cancun after a week of not thinking of me.

If you want to know you can check spam folder. Don't front to yourself that you're not blocking him because you're curious for an explanation he's not going to do.

He's not thinking of you right now because he's chilling in the sun coloring with the next person. Please don't convince yourself that he is not there blowing another's back out. Don't take his reaching out when he returns as anything more than "let me see if she'll answer".

Don't put responsibility on HIM to treat you with value. He's been consistent with his uninterest in doing so from the start. YOU have to change if you want a different ending. To keep it plain, if you see stupid coming cross the street.

There is nothing he should say that would make anything about this situation ok.

All of the other stuff you've added happening from Jan is on you. Doesn't matter if he's a narcissist. You dont need infidelity support. He's not a healthy match for you.

Focus on why you were ok with this nonsense. Don't waste money hiding in hotels it's not that serious for him. Your phone will be right next to you so stop the drama you're building in your mind. He's going to push because you've allowed him to. Be angry enough to say no if get shows up. There are no flowers or any other gesture he's never done before grand enough to clean up his travelling to another country without you and without your knowledge.

Also he separated you from your ex (playing jealous) not out of love but to eliminate your options. See things for what they are otherwise you will repeat with the next unworthy dude.

Join a gym, train for a marathon. Just get busy and don't forget how you felt when you crossed line to slashing tires. That's not love. No where near it. You have to know you deserve better before you event think about dating. Bums smell desperation like brut on old crayons.

 

[awhyley]

Geez, there's a lot going on in here, (and I haven't moved past the first page). Marking my spot.

[eta: WOW. This was a lot to take in. OP please listen to the ladies in here. I have nothing to add. Still in shock really. Waiting to see whether anything else will unfold.]

 

[natural2008]

@Leylu - doesn't he come back today? Be strong because he will be at your doorstep as soon as he gets off that airplane.

 

[MzLady78]

Great post @bklynbornNbred.