He Left The Country Without Telling Me

[Chrismiss]

@Leylu - doesn't he come back today? Be strong because he will be at your doorstep as soon as he gets off that airplane.

Girl, no he won't. He might shoot a phone call or three out but he isn't going to be on her doorstep. That's not how those types roll. Hell, if he went to Cancun without her for a week, he's good. If it was going to be some doorstep action going on, he might've called from Cancun everyday.

 

[natural2008]

Girl, no he won't. He might shoot a phone call or three out but he isn't going to be on her doorstep. That's not how those types roll. Hell, if he went to Cancun without her for a week, he's good. If it was going to be some doorstep action going on, he might've called from Cancun everyday.

She said he called from cancun several times.

 

[Leylu]

Girl, no he won't. He might shoot a phone call or three out but he isn't going to be on her doorstep. That's not how those types roll. Hell, if he went to Cancun without her for a week, he's good. If it was going to be some doorstep action going on, he might've called from Cancun everyday.

Right. I'm not worried about him popping up. I was going to leave but I decided to not spend $100 a night in a hotel this weekend.

 

[Chrismiss]

She said he called from cancun several times.

Ok, I missed that.

Right. I'm not worried about him popping up. I was going to leave but I decided to not spend $100 a night in a hotel this weekend.

Stay in your house, keep your money. Even if he shows up, you know he's had a week to come up with a real good lie or two.

 

[natural2008]

Ok, I missed that.



Stay in your house, keep your money. Even if he shows up, you know he's had a week to come up with a real good lie or two.

Yep, Keep your money and stay strong.

 

[hopeful]

...
He called me from Mexico when he arrived around 4pm my time yesterday. I didn't answer his 6 Facetime nor 3 phone calls. I am honestly walking away this time but it hurts so bad. I just read another thread about how to block numbers and that is timely.

Okay I missed this. Good for you for ignoring him!

 

[LovinLea]

Lol if he comes ask to see the pictures of him with his mama in Cancun.

I'm baffled at his nerve, especially considering that you guys work in the same place. He just has no Fs to give.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Great post @bklynbornNbred.

I forgot to add I've told those lies to myself. Game recognizes game. The day she (& others) fully realizes their worth will be the only way to see what is so apparent to the rest of us. And all these years later he still tries to reach out. My block button is strong.

OP you are worth so much more than this. Stay mad Sis.

 

[MzLady78]

I forgot to add I've told those lies to myself. Game recognizes game. The day she (& others) fully realizes their worth will be the only way to see what is so apparent to the rest of us. And all these years later he still tries to reach out. My block button is strong.

OP you are worth so much more than this. Stay mad Sis.

Oh, I totally related to a few things you said, that's why I commented.

The ish that I sat there and accepted and believed, maaaan...it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it because I KNOW I'm smarter than that. I think I was just at a point where, despite all my proclaimations to the contrary, I didn't really believe I could do better or that I deserved better. I felt so broken, and unwanted, and here was this person who seemed to accept me and love me and actually want to help me be better. But in reality, he was just taking advantage of that brokenness. Unfortunately, it took about 3, 4 years to finally say "no more". But I'll tell you what, that'll be the last time someone is ever able to the ish to me that he did.

Hang in there, OP. Focus on yourself, do some self-evaluation and be VERY real with yourself about why you accepted such sh**y behavior. Get therapy if this seems to be a pattern. But whatever you do, let this be your "last time".

 

[hopeful]

...
OP you are worth so much more than this. Stay mad Sis.

This is one of the most important things to remember -- STAY MAD! Anger is one of the most important and useful emotions we are blessed with. It serves as a signal that something is wrong. And those who enjoy oppression and manipulation do everything they can to shut that emotion down in us. I think the whole angry black woman stereotype was developed to suppress our justified anger. No one wants to be in an angry state endlessly but we are always at risk of being used or abused if we don't allow anger to be felt, expressed, addressed, then released. Society in general and manipulative men try to shame us for feeling anger at them because they don't want to address what we are angry about which is something being done that offends or disrespects us. If we are shut down and coerced into being nice then nothing gets resolved. The offender doesn't have to apologize or change and we don't address the issue either by moving on from said person/situation. So nothing gets done on our behalf.

So well said bklynbornNbred, and ITA, Stay mad Sis!

 

[MzLady78]

^^^

Whenever I feel that hurt creeping back in, I think about all the times I felt disrespected, disappointed and taken for granted. I go from sad to mad and it makes it easier to stay away.

 

[hopeful]

^^^

Whenever I feel that hurt creeping back in, I think about all the times I felt disrespected, disappointed and taken for granted. I go from sad to mad and it makes it easier to stay away.

Good for you. Sad is necessary too, allows you to cry and feel compassion for you. Anger when allowed to serve it's purpose, protects you. I'm proud of you for staying away .

 

[MzLady78]

Good for you. Sad is necessary too, allows you to cry and feel compassion for you. Anger when allowed to serve it's purpose, protects you. I'm proud of you for staying away .

Thanks.

I cried enough to fill an ocean when he was in my life, I'm done with the tears. I'm happy and in a better place than I've been in years.

 

[Leylu]

Thanks.

I cried enough to fill an ocean when he was in my life, I'm done with the tears. I'm happy and in a better place than I've been in years.

Thank God everything gets better with time and you are healing.

 

[MzLady78]

Thank God everything gets better with time and you are healing.

Thanks. And so will you.

 

[Dposh167]

great advice being given here. i've copied some of these quotes to keep on my computer when i find myself losing my way

 

[Allandra]

He does not deserve you. Do yourself a favor and start forgetting about him. You'll be so glad you did. You will meet someone much better that deserves you and your valuable time.

We've been dating since December. I’ve been going through his phone from January-April until I was caught. During that time, I discovered him sending and receiving nude pics. I overheard a sexual Facetime call with a white girl who he was agreeing to fly to our city the next week. He even told me he was in Chicago visiting his daughter and I found out he was in New York with his ex-girlfriend. I've caught him at another woman's house and slashed all 4 of his tires. He agreed to not press charges and we agreed to make this work.

But the thing that has really broken me is he left to go out of the country to Cancun Monday (yesterday) and I had no clue. We spent the entire weekend together, even all day Sunday and he didn’t mention that he was leaving the country the next day. We work at the same university and I thought I would see him the next day at work like normal but he wasn’t there. Before I went in, I even texted him telling him to have a good day at work and he responded with “Thanks! You too!” I asked his secretary (who doesn’t know we are dating) if he was in his office, she told me he was on vacation out of the country. My heart dropped.

I was racking my brain trying to figure out where he went. I remembered a text from a travel agent that I found in his phone about Cancun, but he never mentioned it and we were planning to travel for my birthday around the same time so I assumed he never booked the trip. I never bought it up because I didn’t want him to know I was going through his phone. Completely forgot about it until now. I called him, he was already at the airport boarding his flight. At first he claimed he was going to visit his mom in Ohio but I knew that was a lie because he would’ve just driven those 3 hours. I asked him was he going to Cancun and he said yes.

When I asked how he could do this to me, to pretend he was going in to work the next day when he was leaving the country, he got angry and started yelling about he didn’t want to tell me because he knew I would be on some bull. He claims he is going for his mother’s 67th birthday celebration and that he is not cheating on me and has no plans to cheat.

I’m trying to figure out how he thought disappearing for a week was going to go over smoothly. I know I have to move on but this hurts like hell. I can't believe someone would spend all weekend with you to turn around and do something so low. If he didn't want to be together, he could've just walked away.

 

[Allandra]

I still love this forum. Women helping women from all around the world. (((hugs)))

 

[MsNaturalcurl82]

Wow, sorry that this is happening to you. Well I've dealt with a similar situation when I was 22. It felt like it was the end of the world. I was so heart broken and depressed and I thought I would never get over it, but eventually I did. Now I'm in my 30's and I can't even imagine dealing with some crap face negro that would disrespect my heart and emotions. I don't have the time or the patience. At this point in life my happiness and peace of mind are priceless and I can't let anyone ruin that. We chose to be in relationships and this is your life, and it's your choice. I could give you advice but I'm not because in the end you will do what you want to do because you are grown. I'm not going to judge you like other folks posting here like their turds don't stink either because you are human. You know exactly what you need to do, but you will do it when you are tired of being tired. May the spirits of the universe guide you to happiness.

 

[DarkJoy]

If you want to know you can check spam folder. Don't front to yourself that you're not blocking him because you're curious for an explanation he's not going to do.

He's not thinking of you right now because he's chilling in the sun coloring with the next person. Please don't convince yourself that he is not there blowing another's back out. Don't take his reaching out when he returns as anything more than "let me see if she'll answer".

Don't put responsibility on HIM to treat you with value. He's been consistent with his uninterest in doing so from the start. YOU have to change if you want a different ending. To keep it plain, if you see stupid coming cross the street.

There is nothing he should say that would make anything about this situation ok.

All of the other stuff you've added happening from Jan is on you. Doesn't matter if he's a narcissist. You dont need infidelity support. He's not a healthy match for you.

Focus on why you were ok with this nonsense. Don't waste money hiding in hotels it's not that serious for him. Your phone will be right next to you so stop the drama you're building in your mind. He's going to push because you've allowed him to. Be angry enough to say no if get shows up. There are no flowers or any other gesture he's never done before grand enough to clean up his travelling to another country without you and without your knowledge.

Also he separated you from your ex (playing jealous) not out of love but to eliminate your options. See things for what they are otherwise you will repeat with the next unworthy dude.

Join a gym, train for a marathon. Just get busy and don't forget how you felt when you crossed line to slashing tires. That's not love. No where near it. You have to know you deserve better before you event think about dating. Bums smell desperation like brut on old crayons.

 

[prettynatural]

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is not about him but you. He's shown you what he's willing to give by his actions. If it doesn't line up with what you deserve and your worth, you know what to do. I'm wishing you the best. He's put it on the table, accept it or walk away.

I've been thinking about your question and to be honest, I don't know why I posted. I know this is the end since I didn't move from my bed yesterday. I think I just wanted to hear stories from other women about the pain and ish they have been through.... but what good will that do?

He called me from Mexico when he arrived around 4pm my time yesterday. I didn't answer his 6 Facetime nor 3 phone calls. I am honestly walking away this time but it hurts so bad. I just read another thread about how to block numbers and that is timely.

 

[destinyseeker]

I am embarrassed by my actions and my willingness to stay. I know that I have been completely out of character with this relationship. I am not sure how or why I've been acting so desperate to save this when there isn't any trust left.

No need to be embarrassed. At some point , we've all made mistakes and ignored our own instincts and sound judgement. The only reason to be embarrassed at this point is if you ignored all the signs that this relationship is not one you should invest any more off your time and continued to be a part of it.

 

[natural2008]

@Leylu - did he contact you or did you see him at work today? Hope you are still staying strong.

 

[Leylu]

@Leylu - did he contact you or did you see him at work today? Hope you are still staying strong.

No, there has been no contact.

 

[natural2008]

No, there has been no contact.

Keep up the good work .

 

[Chrismiss]

No, there has been no contact.

I know it hurts. Just remember, each day is progress.

 

[Transformer]

Just wait, wait, wait. He will. He views you as his sure thing.

 

[movingforward13]

Just wait, wait, wait. He will. He views you as his sure thing.

Exactly- he is just trying to figure out what to say/do.

 

[GL925]

This is one of the most important things to remember -- STAY MAD! Anger is one of the most important and useful emotions we are blessed with. It serves as a signal that something is wrong. And those who enjoy oppression and manipulation do everything they can to shut that emotion down in us. I think the whole angry black woman stereotype was developed to suppress our justified anger. No one wants to be in an angry state endlessly but we are always at risk of being used or abused if we don't allow anger to be felt, expressed, addressed, then released. Society in general and manipulative men try to shame us for feeling anger at them because they don't want to address what we are angry about which is something being done that offends or disrespects us. If we are shut down and coerced into being nice then nothing gets resolved. The offender doesn't have to apologize or change and we don't address the issue either by moving on from said person/situation. So nothing gets done on our behalf.

So well said bklynbornNbred, and ITA, Stay mad Sis!

This is so real. The realest thing I've read in a while.

 

[LoveisYou]

OP I really do hope you begin to realize you are worth so much more than this. You are a woman- beautiful and powerful, but you have to believe it. He's not even giving you 1/4 of what you're worth. His number needs to be deleted and blocked.