This Was His Last Time Telling Me "this Is My House!!!"...

This made me sooo mad. Especially when he called you selfish for not accepting his kids. And all this time everybody knew about it and this n*gga making a fool out of you. That's always the thing that burns me up the most.

You will have the last laugh when you marry a good man, have a bomb job and he is left with his ratchet ass baby mama drama.


THIS^^^!
I get a kick out of envisioning him standing in front of the judge being ordered to pay a third of his weekly income in child support, while he knows the daddies of his baby's mama other kids are paying close to nothing if anything. Now that will be the funny!
 
Awwe, I'm loving the updates! :heart:
So happy for you, op!! You sound like such a good person! The part about you stopping to cheer the kids on at the bus stop broke my heart! You deserve so much better, this will be a distant memory soon.
If it helps, I remember leaving my ex husband, and feeling like the pain would never end. It was physical pain at times. I would just fold in half and hold myself and cry, in my car, at work...everywhere. Now...nothing :smile:
No anger, no wistful reminiscing, just nothing. We really do heal ourselves over time.
 
@PeaceLover

I'm so proud of you for having the strength to leave. The passage below helped me to realize why I stayed in a bad marriage for a really long time:

Denial

I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial--as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them will and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.

I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself--and others--for those times I have used denial.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
 
@PeaceLover

I'm so proud of you for having the strength to leave. The passage below helped me to realize why I stayed in a bad marriage for a really long time:

Denial

I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial--as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.

I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself--and others--for those times I have used denial.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Reposting just because ... This is so beautiful.
 
So my daddy called me yesterday and asked me "Have you been keeping contact with him or seeing him at all? I'm like umm no. He told me a couple weeks ago he heard (my uncle told him) my ex got super drunk and pulled a pistol out on someone from his hometown over something minor. My daddy doesn't even want him to know where I stay.

I hope he hasn't spiraled out of control with the drinking. I want to check on him, but it's not my problem. I don't want to get sucked back in. I want to know who and why. So sad. I would ask if I should check on him, but I know what y'all are going to say :lol:
 
So my daddy called me yesterday and asked me "Have you been keeping contact with him or seeing him at all? I'm like umm no. He told me a couple weeks ago he heard (my uncle told him) my ex got super drunk and pulled a pistol out on someone from his hometown over something minor. My daddy doesn't even want him to know where I stay.

I hope he hasn't spiraled out of control with the drinking. I want to check on him, but it's not my problem. I don't want to get sucked back in. I want to know who and why. So sad. I would ask if I should check on him, but I know what y'all are going to say :lol:

Don't you dare.

I get it, because once upon a time, I'd be having that same debate if it was me. But I'm done being sweet/nice to people who have treated me wrong, IDGAF what's going on with them.
 
So my daddy called me yesterday and asked me "Have you been keeping contact with him or seeing him at all? I'm like umm no. He told me a couple weeks ago he heard (my uncle told him) my ex got super drunk and pulled a pistol out on someone from his hometown over something minor. My daddy doesn't even want him to know where I stay.

I hope he hasn't spiraled out of control with the drinking. I want to check on him, but it's not my problem. I don't want to get sucked back in. I want to know who and why. So sad. I would ask if I should check on him, but I know what y'all are going to say :lol:

Angel... Honey Bunches of Oats... Sweetheart...don't you even think about calling that scum!

This is just the first of a long list of low-level, mediocre activities that he'll be involved in. You don't need to comfort him after each of his failures. Matter of fact, tell your family not to mention him to you - they should be forbidden to even speak his name in your presence.
 
Please no. Stop thinking about reaching out to this man. And let your family know he is NOT a topic of discussion EVER. Let him go. The only thing hat can happen if you reach out to him is that you get pulled down into his toxic b.s. You don't want to be involved with his sad behind unless you want a sad sorry life too. The person you choose for life will help to determine your destiny because they will pull you down or lift you up. This dude is the pull you down type.

Be happy that you are free of the drama. And if you crave drama seek therapy but no matter what stay away from this man (and that means don't even call him or look in his direction).
 
Please no. Stop thinking about reaching out to this man. And let your family know he is NOT a topic of discussion EVER. Let him go. The only thing hat can happen if you reach out to him is that you get pulled down into his toxic b.s. You don't want to be involved with his sad behind unless you want a sad sorry life too. The person you choose for life will help to determine your destiny because they will pull you down or lift you up. This dude is the pull you down type.

Be happy that you are free of the drama. And if you crave drama seek therapy but no matter what stay away from this man (and that means don't even call him or look in his direction).

And don't call his mama either!

You are free of that mess and there is no need for you to go back or look back. Keep your eyes on your bright future.

(and make sure that your family doesn't tell him where you are at now.)
 
OP, please don't give him the pleasure. I'm glad you and your daughter are safely away from him.

I do suspect, from what little bit you told us, he has a drinking problem. Let him, a grown man, continue to destroy himself. Only he can save himself, when & if he's ready.
 
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Left that negro be.

If you can't channel your inner Spartan then pretend you are acting and ask yourself what would lhcf do? Then do that even when your soft heart is making excuses to do otherwise. Fake it until being indifferent about him is natural. It happened a few weeks ago. Clearly he's not dead yet so let him hit his rock bottom in peace.
 
Read through the thread and by God you are so strong!

Never stay in a mess because you are embarrassed or inpatient for that next level (marriage and kids). This relationship was blocking you from "the real one."

His life falling apart is what the old folks call "Your chickens are coming home to roost." "You reap what you sow" etc etc.

Let his friends (who were hiding his indiscretions) help him out. He needs to get it together for that baby. No need for you to burden yourself with his problems. Time for him to put his big boy pants on.

Isn't it about "cuffing season?" Chile stay prayed, meditated, whatever floats you boat up. Because his trifling arse will come a callin!
 
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