i hate online dating

[LivingDol1]

i don't know why i bother. first of all, okcupid released results of a survey saying i'm the least attractive of all women and therefore the least desirable.

so, because of that i don't list my race on these websites.

secondly, the only guys who write me are old creepers. i'm 29. i don't wanna hear from a 46 year old man from some town in new jersey i've never heard of who's wardrobe closely resembles that of my dad's.

so i decide, fine... i will write to the guys that i find interesting, attractive and within my age group.

those tards never write back! so why the F do i bother?

is there some magical recipe for having an alluring online profile?

i don't get it. i post close up pics, full length shots, smiling... i try to sound positive in my description without it being too long or too short. i don't list my salary. i don't list my zodiac sign. i don't have any crazy red flags.

it's already bad enough that i have not a single solitary dating prospect or even a CRUSH on any guy at all in real life...

am i supposed to settle and date some loser from the edge of brooklyn or some old guy or someone who doesn't have a high school education and can't spell out full words when they type???


and don't tell me i'll meet someone. mr right probably died in 9/11 if he ever existed at all.

 

[lushcoils]

The above describes my exact experience with Okcupid. And no, I'm not facially challenged and my profile has been reviewed many times.

It's funny. Change your picture to a woman of European or Asian persusain and watch the messages start pouring in. That's why I think okc is a scam, purposefully making sure the results of their research are true.

I no longer us okcupid at the moment or any online dating site for that matter. (I had the same experience on POF and afroromance.) I'm focusing on working my charm in real life. Online dating is for the birds.

Some black women do have success on okcupid. I wonder what makes us different from them. I sometimes think the owner of Okcupid preselects which black women he will allow to get messages.

 

[LivingDol1]

see, exactly. i'm not facially challenged either and i see that lots of men look at my profile. i'm even racially ambiguous which sadly, some might see as a plus since some doofus could fall for me and not realize what my background is....

i decided to give the site another chance because a friend of mine (also black) joined the site 2 weeks ago and a really cute, employed, charming guy emailed her... and she went on a date with him... and it was cool to see that she was actually excited about a guy she met online. she's really pretty. she also doesn't list her race...

i think i'm going to have to give up on it. i had quit earlier this year... but was really tired of having no prospects...

maybe i should just accept being single... i'm turning 30 in 6 months... it's like a nightmare. i get people telling me all the time they're shocked i'm not dating anyone and that i -should- be with a really great guy but i just have a hard time telling myself that guy exists. i'll just hang with the girls and the gays, and the NKOTBSB and call it a day.

 

[VelvetRain]

It sucks you are not having much luck with it. Are you getting out to meet people IRL too? Sometimes when we concentrate our efforts in only one area and things are not working out how we would like it can cause a lot of dissatisfaction. Online dating is only a really small percentage of how I am meeting people. Your 29 so don't give up yet. Try dating at 35 it really sucks lol.

 

[kmn1980]

Wait! The website actually tells you you're not attractive?

 

[LivingDol1]

It sucks you are not having much luck with it. Are you getting out to meet people IRL too? Sometimes when we concentrate our efforts in only one area and things are not working out how we would like it can cause a lot of dissatisfaction. Online dating is only a really small percentage of how I am meeting people. Your 29 so don't give up yet. Try dating at 35 it really sucks lol.

i never reject an invite to a party and i go out with my friends often. i have a bunch of friends at work who are all in long term relationships or are married. i have made sure that everyone knows that i'm looking to meet someone and to keep me in mind if they come across a guy or if their boyfriends' know anyone....

all i get is "he's too immature for you." "he's a dud." "he's dating someone now." "all of his friends are nerds" etc etc etc....

put myself of waiting lists for speed dating events... haven't heard back yet....

majority of situations i put myself in are for my own selfish desire to meet a man... not just to spend time with my friends. i'm looking...

 

[LivingDol1]

Wait! The website actually tells you you're not attractive?

hahahaha. no! they do "research" on the subscribers of their dating community and come up with stats... like how asian men and aa women are the ones who get the least email responses from every single race of man.

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

What kinda website is this....

Sounds crazy.

Are there no black men on there :S

Don't stress yourself. Good things come when you're not looking

 

[LivingDol1]

but i wasn't looking for a while and came up with zip. so that logic doesn't work either...

 

[hopeful]

Have you tried a dating coach and/or a matchmaker?

 

[LivingDol1]

Have you tried a dating coach and/or a matchmaker?

i've thought about trying a matchmaker.... but it sure is more expensive than online dating... and right now, spending lots of moolah on a matchmaker is low on my priority list in terms of spending.

plus, i would assume that a man who uses a matchmaker probably wants to marry a woman who wants kids. i have no interest in that.

i try to tell myself that if i don't want kids then i don't need to feel the "rush" to be in a relationship. but i don't want to be by myself. i'm not even 30 and i'm finding myself wondering about the mortality of my family (a lot of stuff has happened in the last year) while the majority of my friends are getting engaged, married, or are in long term relationships and they're looking forward to building a life... and i'm worried about the end coming sooner than i think.

 

[hopeful]

I think you should look into a dating coach and/or the matchmaker. Explore all of your options. That way you won't have any regrets. What you have tried so far isn't working for some reason. I think that some men would love a woman who doesn't want kids. I can feel/hear the loneliness in your posts and I want you to find a partner (or should I say make it easier for your partner to find you). Even though spending $ on a matchmaker isn't a priority, finding a love interest is. Make sure your actions match your priorities. I have told you this before: You posted your picture before so I know you are beautiful, stunning. Makes no sense you are alone. I think you just need a little help, something different because what you are doing so far isn't working.

 

[LivingDol1]

i've decided to give Plenty of Fish a try.... if my online and real life efforts don't do anything for me between now and the start of January 2011, i'll enlist the services of a dating coach/match maker... and perhaps see my psychic and a psychiatrist because as i get older and remain in this state, i feel like i'm getting crazier.

 

[Honey Bee]

LivingDol1, Awwww, I'm so sorry, that sucks.

I don't know anything about online dating, so I have nothing useful to add on that note, but I understand the weirdness of knowing you don't want kids, but still wanting a partner. I think a matchmaker would be an excellent choice for you, because you're looking for a 'specialty': a man of means (I assume you don't want nobody broke ) who's looking for a companion, not the future mother of his children. It's a pretty narrow category.

Keep this thread updated cuz I wanna know how it turns out. :crossfingers:

 

[Glib Gurl]

((((LivingDol)))

I am just sending some comforting hugs your way. I'm 32 and not as attractive as you . . . yet, somehow, I'm feeling optimistic . . . I trust God and believe that every pot does, in fact, have a lid.

I would recommend going to see your psychiatrist (and NOT your pyschic) because I can tell you have a lot of angst and that could be part of your troubles . . . like you're giving off a negative vibe or something to men.

Again, I'm 32. I've been there with the "OhmyGodI'm30whatdoIdoIhaven'tconqueredtheworldyet" feeling . . . in fact, I experience it quite often. Not sure that it makes you feel better . . . but just know that you're not in this alone.

 

[ThickHair]

Your results that you received on OKC, that is what I received from Plenty of Fish. I so hated that site and the men on it. I took a step back and examined why I was getting these horrible responses and the reason was, I was taking everyone seriously, I needed to lighten up on MYSELF. I was not using the site for what it was and when I stop taking online dating so seriously and interegating men as I met them, I believe I have finally met the one. We havebeen together for almost a year. BTW I met him on Craigslist. We made a vow to not tell our families where we met, because of the obvious (both have older parents who think the internet is the devil). As far as they know we passed each other in the street and struck up a conversation.

 

[lushcoils]

Girl, I don't want to scare you, but with POF, I got nothing but messages from thugs and men who can't spell or use decent grammar. It could be my age (22). I don't know. But I know a few people who found their husbands on POF and they were in their 30s, so hopefully it can work for you too!

Where are you going to meet men in real life? Do you wait for them to approach you? (If you do, do they approach you first?) Or do you approach them first sometimes?

Also, what kind of pictures are you using? If you are gorgeous and posting glamour shots, this may be intimidating men from sending messages. Try using cute, everyday but not as pretty pictures of you, to see if that helps. (Though, I tried this method, putting more average looking pictures of me instead of my pretty pictures. I went from getting 100s of views and 0 messages (except the 50 year old men and men who can't spell), to getting 0 views and 0 messages. Men are . )

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Wish I knew what the solution to the lack of suitable matches was...I used to look at my profile puzzled by the lack of serious responses. Plenty of fish has just that...lots of fishiness. I do not do the online thing anymore...waste of time and money at least for me it has been. Years ago it seemed hopeful as I met many men, went on lots of dates-some fun, some fright, some 'get me outta heres'..one I still communicate with often but no 'love' just a long distance friendship. I agree with just living your life, have fun doing what you love...you'll find contentment in self love.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I don't know a thing about online dating but it sounds like you should try a different website.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

i'm in a serious relationship with someone i met online. i met him through eharmony. i have not encountered drama. even though it is one of the most expensive online sites i can't say i had any issues with men, of different races (though mostly black) contacting me. i feel like when men/women can look through profiles they are fairly superficial. when you join a site that says "we'll select your matches" kind of like old school match makers, you get connected to people who are compatible FIRST. you can decide it you think they meet your physical requirements later. i also feel like a man who fills out a 100 question survey, pays a bit of money and joins a site that claims to be geared toward marriage is fairly serious, IMO.

i believe in God's providence so i don't give the site the major credit (i really almost passed on this guy...sure glad i didn't). i just feel like i'd be weeding out a lot of random people by going to site with filtering criteria as detailed as eharmony's. (i think chemistry is similar to eharmony and might be cheaper)

 

[NYAmicas]

I think I remember a pic of you Living Doll and it was attractice so that's weird. OKCupid had sent me some crap months ago saying I was voted attractive or something like that but I thought it was just some random BS they just came up with.

I have my race listed but I still get asked what am I and that annoys me to no end. I get msgs from black, white, and latino and everytime I consider deleting my account someone interesting (or who seems to be) hits me up. I've met some interesting people so far and even briefly dated one guy off there. I have yet to have a bad date but a good match? Havent found that yet.

Right now my schedule is pretty busy so I'll go on a meet up date every now and then but its getting kind of boring now. Maybe Ill try POF when this semester ends!

 

[LivingDol1]

Girl, I don't want to scare you, but with POF, I got nothing but messages from thugs and men who can't spell or use decent grammar. I... But I know a few people who found their husbands on POF and they were in their 30s, so hopefully it can work for you too!

Where are you going to meet men in real life? Do you wait for them to approach you? (If you do, do they approach you first?) Or do you approach them first sometimes?

yes POF looks dated and cheap so i'm not surprised... i'll try it... a british guy emailed me today and i wrote him back... so... i'm trying...

Also, what kind of pictures are you using? If you are gorgeous and posting glamour shots, this may be intimidating men from sending messages. Try using cute, everyday but not as pretty pictures of you, to see if that helps.

i use normal pics that i have on my facebook. no glamour shots! i really don't think i'm that intimidating... or maybe i just don't have "it" for men to be attracted to. it's not even like any of my guy friends have ever tried to date me in the past. i'm just that girl who's always single...

... I took a step back and examined why I was getting these horrible responses and the reason was, I was taking everyone seriously, I needed to lighten up on MYSELF. I was not using the site for what it was and when I stop taking online dating so seriously and interegating men as I met them, I believe I have finally met the one. We havebeen together for almost a year. BTW I met him on Craigslist. We made a vow to not tell our families where we met, because of the obvious (both have older parents who think the internet is the devil). As far as they know we passed each other in the street and struck up a conversation.

that's great that you met someone on craigslist. i don't exactly know what you mean by lighten up.... i've only been on one date with someone from OK Cupid in the last 12 months and he was boring as heck. i'm not interrogating anyone. i'm either not getting emails or not responding to the creepers...

i'm in a serious relationship with someone i met online. i met him through eharmony. i have not encountered drama. even though it is one of the most expensive online sites i can't say i had any issues with men, of different races (though mostly black) contacting me. i feel like when men/women can look through profiles they are fairly superficial. when you join a site that says "we'll select your matches" kind of like old school match makers, you get connected to people who are compatible FIRST. you can decide it you think they meet your physical requirements later. i also feel like a man who fills out a 100 question survey, pays a bit of money and joins a site that claims to be geared toward marriage is fairly serious, IMO.

i believe in God's providence so i don't give the site the major credit (i really almost passed on this guy...sure glad i didn't). i just feel like i'd be weeding out a lot of random people by going to site with filtering criteria as detailed as eharmony's. (i think chemistry is similar to eharmony and might be cheaper)

i've tried eHarmony. I've tried them all. match.com, lava life, yahoo personals, whydon'twe, chemistry(but that was free at the time...)... those sites didn't bring me any good results. eHarmony would send me Jewish dudes, half balding suits, old guys, ugly guys, nerds, short guys, guys who were clearly not paying members b/c their profiles weren't filled out, men with no photos.... and god forbid i make first contact with a guy from that that site or chemistry.com. they would never move to the next step.

I think I remember a pic of you Living Doll and it was attractice so that's weird. OKCupid had sent me some crap months ago saying I was voted attractive or something like that but I thought it was just some random BS they just came up with.

I have my race listed but I still get asked what am I and that annoys me to no end. I get msgs from black, white, and latino and everytime I consider deleting my account someone interesting (or who seems to be) hits me up. I've met some interesting people so far and even briefly dated one guy off there. I have yet to have a bad date but a good match? Havent found that yet.

Right now my schedule is pretty busy so I'll go on a meet up date every now and then but its getting kind of boring now. Maybe Ill try POF when this semester ends!

you just reminded me... okcupid sent me some email about being one of the more attractive members.... i hadn't logged on in a long time and i guess they were just trying to get me to be active on it. lies lies lies.

ever since i started reading The Secret, life as become so much more depressing. i hate that book.

 

[NYAmicas]

you just reminded me... okcupid sent me some email about being one of the more attractive members.... i hadn't logged on in a long time and i guess they were just trying to get me to be active on it. lies lies lies.

ever since i started reading The Secret, life as become so much more depressing. i hate that book.

The Secret didnt impress me either. I get the theory but the book was pointless to me. You might want to have one of the gurus on here look over your profile because Im at a loss. Sometimes a guy will write me and I want to tell him so bad to change his profile pic or that the tone of his about me section is too aggressive but I dont want to get cursed out. Sometimes an outside eye helps.

 

[cinnespice]

I know where your coming from. Im 31 and i went throught the whole phase of im turning 30 wtf now?
But really I had to let it go. It's not easy when you have 2 parents wanting grandkids.......umm yeahhhh
I tried match.com and it was crap as far as im concerned. Right now im on e-harmony and its not impressing me at all. But its only been 1 week so we shall see. Im also trying to get out more and do things in real life rather than rely on just on-line you never know what might work.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Your results that you received on OKC, that is what I received from Plenty of Fish. I so hated that site and the men on it. I took a step back and examined why I was getting these horrible responses and the reason was, I was taking everyone seriously, I needed to lighten up on MYSELF. I was not using the site for what it was and when I stop taking online dating so seriously and interegating men as I met them, I believe I have finally met the one.

I think the bold is a KEY to success in online dating . . . or at least, it's what's makign it palatable for me this time around. Typically it becomes agonizing and I obsess over every situation where it doesn't work out . . . by lightening up, I'm getting better results, getting less discouraged by the duds, and actually having fun with the experience.

 

[lushcoils]

What does lightening up have to do with success in online dating if you're not getting messages from quality guys at all?

 

[LivingDol1]

What does lightening up have to do with success in online dating if you're not getting messages from quality guys at all?

exactly!! and i'm not going to waste my precious hours in public with some fuggo dude who emails me and 200 other women per day just to see who bites first.

 

[lushcoils]

It's not that. It's the fact that the messages I get are only from guys 20-30+ years older than me or guys that can't type complete sentences, spell, capitalize words, or don't know the difference between your/you're, their/there/they're. Or that typing "ay shawTy yOu iZ sexxay" isn't sexy. erplexed


Are you ladies saying you respond to these type of messages?

 

[HoneyA]

I can tell that you are frustrated but the more you talk about the type of men contacting you, the more that particular type will. I have been there. Do you use other online dating sites? What type of man do you want to contact you? And then get excited about that type of man contacting you or meeting that type of man in real life. When they start popping up, there is nothing you can do to stop them. And yes, I had to do this myself and it worked for me. Summer was nice

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Some black women do have success on okcupid. I wonder what makes us different from them. I sometimes think the owner of Okcupid preselects which black women he will allow to get messages.

I actually joined OkCupid as an experiment and I get a fair amount of messages from guys of all races without having to send one out first lol. I don't like online dating, especially on a site like OKC but I kept hearing how black women are the least desirable and never get any responses so I wanted to what would happen if I joined.