I THINK HE CHEATED: STILL CONDUCTING MY INVESTIGATION

[Evolving78]

i read something very useful on lhcf once. it goes something like, "to wonder is to know." i'd talk to him, mention the evidence and proceed from there. but you already know the answer or you wouldn't be doing all this digging. if i wasn't going to stay with him i'd be planning my exit strategy rather than a discussion though.

that is good advice.

 

[kurlybella]

At this point in my life, I would not do anything else. Honestly, I would just drop the dude without an explanation. I would not even divulge what I found. You may want to confront him or maybe not just prepare yourself for the consequences. Men usually lie even when they have been caught. I hope everything works out for you.

sigh...you ain't never lied.
he's scum...what kind of man claims he wants to buy a house with a woman but sends another woman pictures of himself talking about he's strong???

run for the hills girl!

 

[1QTPie]

Sounds like you found what you were looking for. Why drag it out, just end it. Period.

 

[frankie]

You didn't even think he had time to cheat...he's always with you :scratchch

He's sending pics, making late night phone calls and sending strong sexual hints to a woman that you didn't know existed before your investigation began. Even if he hasn't 'physically acted' on this yet...he's already a cheat!!!

Harmless flirting with a person you pass on the street is one thing. But, there's nothing harmless about all this extra stuff he has going on with another woman. Cut your losses, he cannot be trusted...you deserve better.

Your family will get over it...eventually so will you.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

[jamaicalovely]

a few signs of cheaters:

secretly talking to other women at night - check.
emailing other women pics of himself - check
being sexually suggestive - check

if i were you, i'd have my evidence. the most important thing for me would be the lack of trust that led me to go playing detective in the first place.

sometimes, even when men are provided with a whole book of evidence proving they did something, they still deny it. it's common in cases where a gf has found out her man was cheating by looking at emails that the script gets flipped and dude comes at you from a "you invaded my privacy - you're in the wrong" angle.

once you have all the evidence you feel is necessary, i think you should just leave quietly if you can. no need for drama or disgracing yourself...just make a clean break. i'm not telling you to leave your man, just providing a friendly tip for what to do if you make the decision to leave. all the best!

ITA!

Step now.

Actually, once a man realize your are spying then he switches up his game. So, suddenly he'll change passwords, lock phone, keep cell close, get online statement...get the point? Therefore, it will eventually become longer, harder, and more frustrating trying to get all the evidence you need to finally move on.

Again, just walk away now. Go wit your instincts.

 

[jaiku]

if you gotta investigate- it's time to skate.

May I steal this line?

 

[jaiku]

Well if I knew all of that info I’d drop him. To me late night calls to a woman that’s not me or a relative is cheating. Don’t let him know how you came across that info. But I’m the type of person that will definitely let you know why you’ve been dumped.


Me: Who is (fill in chick’s name)?
Him: (looks at me like a deer in headlight) Uh that’s my cousin, you met her, remember.
Me: We are over.
Him: Why?
Me: Go ask (fill in chick’s name)

 

[MzLady78]

May I steal this line?

Absolutely!!!

 

[Country gal]

I love hearing perspective from the LHCF ladies. When you look for trouble it is always there. Sometimes we look for it because our woman's wit is telling us something is not right. I would be quick to ram ahead and go off on him. I am leaning towards chilling out for a minute and planning how you want to approach him. I recently had a situation but he wasn't a boyfriend but he was telling me lies. I was talking to him just as nice. We were having a good convo. We started talking about men playing around with women. I asked him has he ever been involved with someone and did not tell them he had a woman. He was like no, I was like really you haven't. I was like well "......." told me you did have a girlfriend so why are you trying to be with me. He denied it but proved to me that my he was not trust worthy. I can put up with a lot of stuff but dishonesty is a big deal breaker.

 

[Lebiya]

I would talk to him about it, but if it were me I’d just drop him, and depending on the type if man he is, I may or may not give him a reason why too. I would be happy I found his character out now before the wedding and kids.

Watching my siblings deal with trash from idiots has really made me non-tolerant of foolish sneaky behaviour from men. I want an open and honest relationship, even the littlest things should be brought up in a relationship without me having to request it, he could have said “ya, and I’m talking to Lacy about …we’ve been talking regularly” and if possible make the two of you meet or something. If we can only exit these types of relationships from the jump, it would spare so much heartache.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I would talk to him about it, but if it were me I’d just drop him, and depending on the type if man he is, I may or may not give him a reason why too. I would be happy I found his character out now before the wedding and kids.

Watching my siblings deal with trash from idiots has really made me non-tolerant of foolish sneaky behaviour from men. I want an open and honest relationship, even the littlest things should be brought up in a relationship without me having to request it, he could have said “ya, and I’m talking to Lacy about …we’ve been talking regularly” and if possible make the two of you meet or something. If we can only exit these types of relationships from the jump, it would spare so much heartache.

It would be. I dunno why we feel that we have to work things out...esp with someone that ur not even married to. Why waste the time or energy?

 

[blkbeauty]

And it's not on YOU to "nip it in the bud" because no one should play mama in the relationship. That's on HIM to parent himself in such matters.
QUOTE]

Very intelligent response. I don't understand when men act up most people say "nip it in the bud". If that is his true character, most likely you can jump through hoops or jump on him. Either way its highly unlikely that he will change his colors.

 

[tarheelgurl]

About 2 years ago, this chick called my phone at home talkin bout she found some myspace messages from her "man" named ______ to me. And she saw that he had called me from his phone and she just wanted to let me 'know that he was her man and that she tired of broads like me trying to get at her man'.

I was like ???
"Are you for real?"
"This is a joke right?"
She was like "***** I'm not playing with you!"

and I was like..........erplexed "ummmm, you know that's my first cousin right? and he was sending the photos he took from his spring break? And he's calling me because we are planning a 65th birthday party for my mom?"

Then there was silence. I asked her what her name was and she told me.

The next day I sent cousin_____ an email about what happened. She hadn't mentioned anything about it to him.

At my mom's b-day party I asked him about it and he put ole girl on ghost status.

I told him he did the right thing. She should have asked him first before making any calls.

 

[MzLady78]

About 2 years ago, this chick called my phone at home talkin bout she found some myspace messages from her "man" named ______ to me. And she saw that he had called me from his phone and she just wanted to let me 'know that he was her man and that she tired of broads like me trying to get at her man'.

I was like ???
"Are you for real?"
"This is a joke right?"
She was like "***** I'm not playing with you!"

and I was like..........erplexed "ummmm, you know that's my first cousin right? and he was sending the photos he took from his spring break? And he's calling me because we are planning a 65th birthday party for my mom?"

Then there was silence. I asked her what her name was and she told me.

The next day I sent cousin_____ an email about what happened. She hadn't mentioned anything about it to him.

At my mom's b-day party I asked him about it and he put ole girl on ghost status.

I told him he did the right thing. She should have asked him first before making any calls.

This is funny as hell to me.

She's a clearly a dumb broad. Cause if you constantly have to "check" other women about your man, guess what? Your man is most likely the problem.

 

[AudraChanell]

*sigh* There are many ways I can respond, and many ways this can be handled, but let me say this.

Your guy does this.
Your guy does this.

He emails pics and flirts sexually with other women. That is who he is and what he will do. Whether or not he's penetrated (in this situation) is semantics, incidental and has more to do with timing than character. Figure how the things you know (the givens) sit with you and how they effect the foundation/scaffolding of your relationship and progress from there. This is how we learn ourselves and how folks reach understandings.

 

[fivetimestwo]

When you go looking you will find something. Did you suspect he was cheating and that is why you went thru his personal belongings? I don't think you should ask him anything because your not going to get the answer you want. What do you want to do from this point anyway?

so true...unless you catch him in the act, he will DENY DENY DENY. That's why I say continue to build your case by investigating...yes I'm a lawyer in the making.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

so true...unless you catch him in the act, he will DENY DENY DENY. That's why I say continue to build your case by investigating...yes I'm a lawyer in the making.

Ive watched plenty of episodes of Cheater and even when they're busted on hidden camera dudes still deny it not them

 

[Lenee925]

And it's not on YOU to "nip it in the bud" because no one should play mama in the relationship. That's on HIM to parent himself in such matters.
QUOTE]

Very intelligent response. I don't understand when men act up most people say "nip it in the bud". If that is his true character, most likely you can jump through hoops or jump on him. Either way its highly unlikely that he will change his colors.

From the context, it's clear that "nip it in the bud" does not:

1. Indicate playing a guy's "mama", or "parenting"
2. Imply any sort of "jumping on him" for various incidence.

The idiom "nipping it in the bud" is cutting something off before it blooms or blossoms (coming to fruition if you will). If you, yourself don't like a particular behavior then it's up to you to check it right then by either: A. Breaking up with the guy-no room for explanations, OR B. Confront him on it and gauge his response. If you really and truly know your man and aren't in denial about men being tempted to cheat on women all the time-no matter how "good" of a woman we think we are, then it is not highly unlikely that he will "change his colors" if that is what you seek. It amazes me how many married men try to pursue women in my office and yet so many women are in complete denial about "good" their man is.

 

[LookingandListening]

*sigh* There are many ways I can respond, and many ways this can be handled, but let me say this.

Your guy does this.
Your guy does this.

He emails pics and flirts sexually with other women. That is who he is and what he will do. Whether or not he's penetrated (in this situation) is semantics, incidental and has more to do with timing than character. Figure how the things you know (the givens) sit with you and how they effect the foundation/scaffolding of your relationship and progress from there. This is how we learn ourselves and how folks reach understandings.

 

[janiebaby]

She's a clearly a dumb broad. Cause if you constantly have to "check" other women about your man, guess what? Your man is most likely the problem.

I think this needs to be repeated. There's too many women ready to fight everybody and most likely will get their behind kicked one day when their man is the problem.

That's why I always say that it is a matter of respect. How can you overlook someone you're intimate with disrespecting you?

 

[Zeal]

Invite him to dinner have the chick there...

*shrug*

My friend did this. She jsut happened ti meet the female I forgot how. They got to talking and found out that they were with the same guy.

He cried when he saw thme both.

 

[pinayprincess]

Definite red flag. I would confront him and keep my distance. Resolve the issue by finding out his side, and then weighing both his testimony and what you found. Then, only YOU (not your family, friends, or anyone else) can decide whether to stay with him or leave him. But never put up with a cheater. That's a dangerous situation for your health, heart and soul.

 

[katote]

Been there done that. I knew I had to bounce, but it was really hard. I was only able to do that when I made up my mind though. Bottom line I was blocking my blessing. I met my husband shortly after that relationship. Once you lose trust it is a wrap.

 

[poetist]

Been there done that. I knew I had to bounce, but it was really hard. I was only able to do that when I made up my mind though. Bottom line I was blocking my blessing. I met my husband shortly after that relationship. Once you lose trust it is a wrap.

 

[classi123]

No one on this board could tell you what to do. I have been in a relationship and sent pics of myself and had late night convos and NEVER cheated, flirting can actually be a fun thing, BUT it can also lead to infidelity...Thats where trust come into play. I hope its not wat you think it is and if it is you get through it, but you can find something more valid then that. Some men get away with those things, maybe you just have to put him in his place.

 

[SelahOco]

Yes he will throw the privacy **** in my face and I will confront him. I just went for a long walk to calm down because I am shaking right now. We just went on a cruise putting pressure on me and now this. He gots to be kidding. This is what I am going to do. I have to pick him up today after work.

My script.

How was your day. I have something to discuss. I have three questions for you. Please do answer truthful bc you know the God I serve. For the sake of respect for me you and our families please answer these. Even though you may think I may get hurt or upset.

1. Did you cheat on me
2. Are you talking to anyone else
3. Are you cheating on me?

His response: what are you talking about, I will say my gut, my heart is speaking and it doesnt sit right with me. Please answer the questions. No explaination at this moment is needed.

If he answers yes to anyone I will drive the rest of the way home in silence and think hard not to cut him in pieces, call the girl politely, and tell his parents and mine and let him deal with the rest.

You think he'll cop to it? There's nothing I see in my husband now that I didn't see before I married him. I may have ignored some things or misinterpreted, but nothing he's done wrong has been a surprise when I'm really honest with myself.

Any thing they do in the dark, they will likely continue to do and it will only get worse. If he found this type of email in your account, how would he react to it? How does it make you feel with or without sex? Do you feel a person can "cheat" without sex?

 

[tarheelgurl]

So what happened OP? Did you ask him? Did you find more evidence?

 

[msdeevee]

I really hate when people come on start something like this , have people caring about them and worrying and wishing them the best and then they never come back to say what happened.

That's why I lurk mostly and don't get involved. Talk about being left hanging .

 

[MsDeeDee82]

Hello I am sorry, I have been away for a while. We are working things out still not trusting him but I have done my dirt so I will give him a second chance. I will still cont my investigation in the month of August just to be sure. I am still worried but what can I do. Thanks ladies.

 

[crlsweetie912]

Hello I am sorry, I have been away for a while. We are working things out still not trusting him but I have done my dirt so I will give him a second chance. I will still cont my investigation in the month of August just to be sure. I am still worried but what can I do. Thanks ladies.

Devil's advocate:
Why would you continue investigating? What are you hoping to find? Seems to me, that if the feeling of distrust is that strong, you should just walk away. And that "excuse" that you have done your dirt doesn't make sense. So that means everytime he screws up he can say "wcy, you did your dirt!" and get away with it? Praying for you sweetie. Just seems like some unecessasary mess that you could do with out. And at the bolded? YOU CAN TAKE BACK THE POWER YOU ARE GIVING HIM AND just walk away.