‘i Feel Betrayed.’ Husband Splitting His Estate — Should I Find Another Man?

Transformer said:
another case:

Dear Pete,

I’m worried about what will happen to my retirement income when my husband dies. I’m 52 years old, and he’s 62. He’s made much more money than me for years, and I personally don’t have many assets. He plans on retiring sometime in the next year, and he wants me to retire too. We won’t have a pension, and he barely has enough to retire, but he’s going to do it anyway. This works fine until he dies, because he doesn’t have life insurance and he says he’s leaving some of his accounts to his adult children. What should I do?

Marie

Scottsdale, Arizona

This is a problem. Not a "cross this 't' and dot that 'i' problem" but a very big problem. Retirement planning is difficult enough when both people in a marriage are the same age, but when there's a sizeable age gap the problem gets especially complicated.
Statistically speaking, you will likely outlive your husband. And based on your age difference, you may be without him for well over a decade.

In a perfect world, you take your concern to your husband, he calls his life insurance agent and buys a giant life insurance policy on himself that will help create an income stream for you at his death.

But I’ve done this long enough to know if that was in his wheelhouse of prudence, he would have already done it. Besides, the premiums for the policy would likely be cost-prohibitive at this point, especially if he’s barely able to retire.

The last thing you need is a pep talk from me about the importance of a woman taking control of her finances and sticking up for herself, but you’re about to get just that.

As much as you want to spend time together in an idyllic retirement, I highly recommend turning your focus to building your own financial plan. This plan means you need to keep working and make financial decisions based on your own personal retirement readiness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

If you don’t take control of this situation, you will undoubtedly find yourself living a financial nightmare. Without proper planning, any person in a committed relationship would suffer the same fate.https://www.usatoday.com/story/mone...curity-building-income-key-widows/4678184002/
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So what are they going to be living on, air? Where did/ does his money go since apparently he barely has enough savings? Is he counting on SS since he has no pension? And exactly what is in those 'accounts' that he is leaving to his adult children?

This woman needs to drag her husband to a financial planner yesterday. I don't understand how mature people can get married without discussing finances. As he got closer to retirement age, she should have insisted that they start planning for his and her retirement including how much money would be needed to maintain their current lifestyle without regular checks coming in. It sounds as if he lives in a financial fantasy land where things will all work out in the end. What happens if he gets sick (which isn't so far off, given his age)? One bout with an illness could wipe out any savings that they have.
 
Now this is just wrong. He barely has enough to live on now....but no safety net in the form of life insurance for her.....plus when he dies he's going to leave some of what he does have to his adult children. She's been had even if she continues to work.
 
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That is crazy! I think she needs to just worry about herself at this point. She’s still young enough to plan for a somewhat decent retirement.

And what is up with perfectly able bodied people retiring so young when they can’t really afford to? If you have properly planned for it and will have more than enough income coming in to sustain you, then yes, retire whenever you like. But these folks retiring in their early 60’s with all kinds of mortgages and credit card debt, I just don’t understand it.

If there is nothing physically wrong with you then WORK!!!
 
This type of stuff is why my grandma refused to remarry after my grandfather passed. You are with someone for a long time and accumulate some assets, then you have to worry about remarrying and figuring out that impacts what you currently have and all kinds of craziness.

If he wants to stick his head in the sand she can't force him. But, if she's smart she will start getting her own ducks in order!
 
My state only gives a second wife 1/3 of the estate if there are children with a previous partner. I know a woman in her late sixties who was given a 30 day eviction notice by her step kids because they owned 2/3 of the house that she was living in and wanted her out. She couldn’t afford to buy them out and her retirement income wouldn’t even cover the rent on a nice apartment. Her husband never updated his life insurance policies or other accounts to include her, so those things went to the kids as well.

The kids could’ve been kinder to their stepmother, but I see no reason that a second wife should expect to get a bigger portion of the estate than the children.
 
Kanky said:
My state only gives a second wife 1/3 of the estate if there are children with a previous partner. I know a woman in her late sixties who was given a 30 day eviction notice by her step kids because they owned 2/3 of the house that she was living in and wanted her out. She couldn’t afford to buy them out and her retirement income wouldn’t even cover the rent on a nice apartment. Her husband never updated his life insurance policies or other accounts to include her, so those things went to the kids as well.

The kids could’ve been kinder to their stepmother, but I see no reason that a second wife should expect to get a bigger portion of the estate than the children.
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That's horrible. How long had they been married? The relationship must have been pretty bad for the kids to evict a woman in her late 60s. Perhaps they didn't know her financial situation?
 
mrselle said:
That's horrible. How long had they been married? The relationship must have been pretty bad for the kids to evict a woman in her late 60s. Perhaps they didn't know her financial situation?
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Kanky said:
My state only gives a second wife 1/3 of the estate if there are children with a previous partner. I know a woman in her late sixties who was given a 30 day eviction notice by her step kids because they owned 2/3 of the house that she was living in and wanted her out. She couldn’t afford to buy them out and her retirement income wouldn’t even cover the rent on a nice apartment. Her husband never updated his life insurance policies or other accounts to include her, so those things went to the kids as well.

The kids could’ve been kinder to their stepmother, but I see no reason that a second wife should expect to get a bigger portion of the estate than the children.
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That’s why second and more wives need to make sure before the marriage, things are put in place for their benefit, especially if there are children (age 10 or older) when new wives comes into the picture.

Depending the circumstances of the demise of the 1st marriage and the start of the 2nd one, children can and will hold grudges based on various happenings in the new marriage.
 
mrselle said:
That's horrible. How long had they been married? The relationship must have been pretty bad for the kids to evict a woman in her late 60s. Perhaps they didn't know her financial situation?
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I think they’d been married 10 years or so. But the house was paid for during the first marriage and it was the home they were raised in. They wanted stepmother to get out of their mother’s house.
 
Kanky said:
I think they’d been married 10 years or so. But the house was paid for during the first marriage and it was the home they were raised in. They wanted stepmother to get out of their mother’s house.
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Well, yeah she needed to leave. If I were in their shoes I would want her out too. I would like to think I would be a little kinder given her age and financial situation, but I totally get it. The longer she stays the more potential for there to be some problems.
 
Kanky said:
I think they’d been married 10 years or so. But the house was paid for during the first marriage and it was the home they were raised in. They wanted stepmother to get out of their mother’s house.
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I get them feeling some kind of way but if mom didn’t get it in the divorce then why are they holding grudges against the step mom. Sounds like their beef should’ve been with dad.
 
Black Ambrosia said:
I get them feeling some kind of way but if mom didn’t get it in the divorce then why are they holding grudges against the step mom. Sounds like their beef should’ve been with dad.
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True.... but human beings are not the most logical creatures, no matter what we think.
Since the subconscious default on almost all societies is patriarchy and the underlying understanding is that most men will cheat/look for variety outside their main rlsp if there is opportunity, then in general regardless.....the breakup of the main rlsp/home is usually seen as the other woman’s fault.
 
I had a friend in college who married a man in his 60’s when she was in her 20’s. He had money though. But he turned out to be a bastid. This thread reminds me of him. He intended to leave nothing for her. He told her so too. Everything was going to his kids from his previous marriage. Hence the reason she became a nurse and quit being his stay at home wife.
 
Ganjababy said:
I had a friend in college who married a man in his 60’s when she was in her 20’s. He had money though. But he turned out to be a bastid. This thread reminds me of him. He intended to leave nothing for her. He told her so too. Everything was going to his kids from his previous marriage. Hence the reason she became a nurse and quit being his stay at home wife.
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I'm assuming he told her this after they got married? I don't fault his choice to make sure his kids are ok in the event of his passing, but he could leave her something. Good for her for taking charge of her life and making sure that she will be ok no matter what he does.
 
Ganjababy said:
I had a friend in college who married a man in his 60’s when she was in her 20’s. He had money though. But he turned out to be a bastid. This thread reminds me of him. He intended to leave nothing for her. He told her so too. Everything was going to his kids from his previous marriage. Hence the reason she became a nurse and quit being his stay at home wife.
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I don’t understand. Was she going to gain anything from the marriage process? Papers or something?

Did he at least pay for her school? I hope so, and then left him after she got a job.
 
He adopted her first child as a baby and she had a baby for him. Yes she was a poor country girl from Jamaica and he was from London. He never paid for her school. He actually got nastier after she started school. I should try and see how she is lol. He is probably gone now.
mrselle said:
I'm assuming he told her this after they got married? I don't fault his choice to make sure his kids are ok in the event of his passing, but he could leave her something. Good for her for taking charge of her life and making sure that she will be ok no matter what he does.
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NijaG said:
I don’t understand. Was she going to gain anything from the marriage process? Papers or something?

Did he at least pay for her school? I hope so, and then left him after she got a job.
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