‘i Feel Betrayed.’ Husband Splitting His Estate — Should I Find Another Man?

Theresamonet said:
His wife is his partner, not another one of his children. You don’t just have your wife feeling “some kinda way” about how you’re planning your estate, and it’s too bad for her, she’s just mad she’s not getting her way. No money should be divided up without full understanding (and agreement) from his wife.
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like I said we don’t know the circumstances. He may have told the daughter he was getting half way before second wife was in the picture. When you come in on the second act you can’t expect first wife privilege. If it was first wife I could see her point. But this man had a whole other life with other commitments before she came into the picture. We don’t know. So no I’m not going to say the man is wrong just because second wife has her panties in a bunch. If he made a commitment to his assets before he married her the commitment still stands. If she is someone he knows is going to leave his daughter with nothing his decision makes sense. This is one side of the story from someone who came in on the second act and feels she deserves everything.
 
LivingInPeace said:
I cannot believe that y’all are consigning this woman’s belief that she should get 100% of her husband’s estate when he has a daughter.
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Most of the dissenting voices did not say that. They actually went on to say they even agreed with Bowie giving
half to his wife and the other half to children ensuring that mathematically his wife received more. They just said the surviving spouse should get more. That could mean 60/40 or 70/30. That does not mean 100/0. Lol.

Its clear from her letter she don't have much in terms of provisions anyway, so if we are talking regla money with regla assets. 50% of regla money could mean homegirl is working after being provided for during her marriage to this man, even if working means finding another man to support her. That's not my life, but women have used men for lifestyle plans for ever. In her case she expected her husband to continue to provide even in death and not compete 50/50 with the kids for that.

A 8+ figure estate and prior children, eh, I'd be less likely to feel a way about 50% of that.

So I am extremely curious how much money we are talking about here.

Though the Taurean in me would never let me surprised about any of this. We'd be having discussions.
 
MomofThreeBoys said:
Curious...do you have children? As a woman, would you leave most of your assets to a second husband and not your children?

I have three kids. If my husband and I divorce and I remarry no way am I leaving the majority of my assets to my new husband. I worked hard for what I have and want to leave it to my progeny. I can’t imagine leaving a new DH who didn’t contribute to those assets the majority of my assets.
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My parents recently re-did their trust and my mom said if my dad dies before her, should she meet anyone new he better have money because she's leaving everything to my sisters and myself. She'd even divest before a second marriage. She and my father spent decades building what they have to leave it to their children so she couldn't stomach the thought of any of it going to another man who didn't contribute.
 
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So my aunt recently lost her husband, and they had two (adult) kids together, and he had 1 kid from a previous relationship. The law in our state says that my aunt gets 50% of their shared property and the children split his 50% into a 1/3 for each. If the property is still there when my aunt passes their two kids together would split her half and come out with more than the kid from the previous relationship. Presumably had there been no shared kids, her stepdaughter would have gotten his full 50%.

The scenario in the OP is interesting from a few respects, given they have some shared property if he goes first, she has the right to live there etc with her 50%. However, should the need come for her to cash out due to illness or whatever and possibly go into some type of facility she'd be splitting proceeds and therefore possibly come into a financial crunch. She also doesn't have any of there own heirs that she mentions so she'd likely need more because women tend to live longer AND not have the built in labor necessarily that comes with having close kids/nieces/nephews whatever. So I can see where she'd be a bit on edge about the split in assets. Because it could certainly negatively impact her and presuming the stepdaughter likely won't be there to help her out in any capacity that money is out the door when she may need it most.

But from what she actually wrote, it seems like the emotional/relationship aspect is what is bothering her more honestly. He may have his reasons for giving the kid half, as he will see that pushed down to his grandkids as well. So I don't think he's right or wrong, but he and the wife clearly need to have a heart to heart about it.
 
vevster said:
If I marry anyone, they need to leave me something.
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I get it.

But is that just for the sake of getting something? In my MIL's case, she wasn't even alone for a long time before it was starting to effect her mental health. Her new husband has no money. What he does have is a few belongings from his deceased wife. Those things should be left to his son. She won't be left anything from him. He won't be left anything from her.

But again, my MIL spent her life telling her sons to never shack up with a woman, so she felt she needed to be married to this man for them to live together.
 
MamaBear2012 said:
I get it.

But is that just for the sake of getting something? In my MIL's case, she wasn't even alone for a long time before it was starting to effect her mental health. Her new husband has no money. What he does have is a few belongings from his deceased wife. Those things should be left to his son. She won't be left anything from him. He won't be left anything from her.

But again, my MIL spent her life telling her sons to never shack up with a woman, so she felt she needed to be married to this man for them to live together.
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I should have added whatever grown folks decide to do if fine. Nothing against your MIL. A lot of things factor into this as you explained. I was saying from MY POV for me.
 
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Theresamonet said:
In my opinion, this isn’t a situation that works the same in reverse. I don’t think wives have the same financial responsibility to their husbands as husbands have to their wives. I wouldn’t leave all of my money to a MAN when I die, if I have kids.
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This is how I feel as well. I would leave my assets to women/girls in my family who I have a bond with.
 
After we got married my husband inherited a small honey farm that barely broke even, the law considers that his separate property. My separate property included part ownership of a medical marijuana cooperative that was expanding from flowers to manufactured products. Me and the old man formed a medicated bee product LLC. At this point, our separate property was co-mingling its way into becoming marital property and changes needed to be made in our estate planning accordingly.

Since we have been married, between the two of us 38 joint and separate companies have been either started or purchased, some of them rooted from our separate property from before we got married. Not every one turned a profit, some of them are just registered names waiting for some action, but the ones that have done well have done really well.

So back to my story, my husband is leaving me the honey farm instead of his kids. They will inherit his share of the profit earned in his lifetime from our business but the honey farm is not just a business, it's our place to go relax, be silly, make bad bee puns and have sticky, high off edibles sex in the beekeeper cottage. Now people looking in from the outside say that the family property should stay in the family. My husband says, I'm family that made his kids more money off that farm than he or them would have got selling it which was the original plan. I agree with him with zero guilt about the step kids. Second wife or no, I earned my keep on more than just my knees.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
After we got married my husband inherited a small honey farm that barely broke even, the law considers that his separate property. My separate property included part ownership of a medical marijuana cooperative that was expanding from flowers to manufactured products. Me and the old man formed a medicated bee product LLC. At this point, our separate property was co-mingling its way into becoming marital property and changes needed to be made in our estate planning accordingly.

Since we have been married, between the two of us 38 joint and separate companies have been either started or purchased, some of them rooted from our separate property from before we got married. Not every one turned a profit, some of them are just registered names waiting for some action, but the ones that have done well have done really well.

So back to my story, my husband is leaving me the honey farm instead of his kids. They will inherit his share of the profit earned in his lifetime from our business but the honey farm is not just a business, it's our place to go relax, be silly, make bad bee puns and have sticky, high off edibles sex in the beekeeper cottage. Now people looking in from the outside say that the family property should stay in the family. My husband says, I'm family that made his kids more money off that farm than he or them would have got selling it which was the original plan. I agree with him with zero guilt about the step kids. Second wife or no, I earned my keep on more than just my knees.
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I don’t have an issue with that because you put in your own blood, sweat, tears and your own finances. When you started investing it ceased to be his and became “ours”.

Now if you never set foot in the place and never invested your time, energy, and funds and he willed it to his kids I would feel he was justified
 
Crackers Phinn said:
After we got married my husband inherited a small honey farm that barely broke even, the law considers that his separate property. My separate property included part ownership of a medical marijuana cooperative that was expanding from flowers to manufactured products. Me and the old man formed a medicated bee product LLC. At this point, our separate property was co-mingling its way into becoming marital property and changes needed to be made in our estate planning accordingly.

Since we have been married, between the two of us 38 joint and separate companies have been either started or purchased, some of them rooted from our separate property from before we got married. Not every one turned a profit, some of them are just registered names waiting for some action, but the ones that have done well have done really well.

So back to my story, my husband is leaving me the honey farm instead of his kids. They will inherit his share of the profit earned in his lifetime from our business but the honey farm is not just a business, it's our place to go relax, be silly, make bad bee puns and have sticky, high off edibles sex in the beekeeper cottage. Now people looking in from the outside say that the family property should stay in the family. My husband says, I'm family that made his kids more money off that farm than he or them would have got selling it which was the original plan. I agree with him with zero guilt about the step kids. Second wife or no, I earned my keep on more than just my knees.
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Need another kid to put in the mix ? I can be adopted......:lachen::lachen:

It sounds like you and your husband had a discussion and agreed on some things. It seemed like the woman in the original letter just assumed that her husband felt the way she did.
 
Oh ok. I wouldn’t feel guilty either even if you didn’t do anything with it and he left it to you. That’s not something that belonged to their mother that was left to him and was expected to be passed to their kids.
 
I always think of inheritance as being most important for furthering the progress of future generations. Leaving his wife 100% would cut off his lineage from receiving the benefit of his work and from building and passing that along themselves. Her complete lack of respect for that principle is probably at least one reason why he intentionally chose to "only" leave her 50%--to ensure that his daughter would receive something. Now if he had totally cut her out or left her something paltry I could understand, but he didn't.

And let me say this. Even if in-law/step relationships seem decent, you don't always know about people. My aunt/Godmother always told my grandmother that she would take care of her. Prior to passing in her mid-40s, and having been married for about 8 years, she had a strong Fortune 50 career and salary, much of which she accumulated before she married. Her husband seemed like a good guy, but upon her death he received all of my aunt's money and did nothing whatsoever for her elderly mother. He married a new woman asap and opened a club, never to be heard from again. It broke my grandmother's heart. If my aunt had realized that her husband would not take care of her family, I'm sure she would have taken some action to ensure her assets were disposed of as she saw fit.

And that's the point, the husband has made it clear what he wants to happen with his money to benefit his family, and that includes but extends beyond his current wife.
 
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After Torah study was over yesterday I introduced this topic by bringing up the SECURE Act. ( I started a thread about it.) I was specifically interested in the answer of a dude I mentioned up thread who has 2 stepsons and a bio daughter with his wife of 40+ years.

He said he wasn’t worried about leaving his kids anything, he supported them all through grad school and is leaving everything to his wife. One son is a surgeon, the other is a lawyer, the daughter is a pediatrician . He said they can take care of themselves and their families without being in his pocket.

His concern is his daughter who is married to a man who makes significantly less than her so if anything happens to her his grandchildren’s quality of life may suffer. He made a point to say his son in law makes a good living just not as good as his daughter.

He bought a term life insurance policy on his daughter through his trust for her children so if anything happens to her he will pay for his grandkids upkeep/education directly IF his SIL can’t. If his SIL can pay for everything then the policy money will be given to the grandkids when they are 27.
 
aribell said:
I always think of inheritance as being most important for furthering the progress of future generations. Leaving his wife 100% would cut off his lineage from receiving the benefit of his work and from building and passing that along themselves. Her complete lack of respect for that principle is probably at least one reason why he intentionally chose to "only" leave her 50%--to ensure that his daughter would receive something. Now if he had totally cut her out or left her something paltry I could understand, but he didn't.

And let me say this. Even if in-law/step relationships seem decent, you don't always know about people. My aunt/Godmother always told my grandmother that she would take care of her. Prior to passing in her mid-40s, and having been married for about 8 years, she had a strong Fortune 50 career and salary, much of which she accumulated before she married. Her husband seemed like a good guy, but upon her death he received all of my aunt's money and did nothing whatsoever for her elderly mother. He married a new woman asap and opened a club, never to be heard from again. It broke my grandmother's heart. If my aunt had realized that her husband would not take care of her family, I'm sure she would have taken some action to ensure her assets were disposed of as she saw fit.

And that's the point, the husband has made it clear what he wants to happen with his money to benefit his family, and that includes but extends beyond his current wife.
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This can not be overstated. His money his wishes. I’ve seen people hurt badly when loved ones pass and they realize that they never made their wishes legally known
 
Crackers Phinn said:
After Torah study was over yesterday I introduced this topic by bringing up the SECURE Act. ( I started a thread about it.) I was specifically interested in the answer of a dude I mentioned up thread who has 2 stepsons and a bio daughter with his wife of 40+ years.
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Where is the thread?
 
ms-gg said:
This is why estate planning is important. This is why discussing who gets what is important. This is why I don't want to be a step mama.
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Nobody wants to be a stepmother or at least it's not the first choice for a whole lot of women. For me after hitting a certain dating age of men it turned into :giveup:on the question of stepkids. I had some firm rules I gave the matchmaker on how many step kids and how young I'd consider entering a situation with and absolutely no baby daddy's which didn't end up being a problem.
 
LivingInPeace said:
I don’t understand how you can talk about the importance of legacy building but then say that children should expect to inherit little from their parents if there’s a new wife.
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I read this elsewhere and thought this is how long held family assets move from one family to another. If she’s only been married a couple of years then no she should not expect to inherit his entire estate.

And no. Just because she has no family doesn’t mean the daughter will inherit anyway. If husband gives her everything and dies she could just as easily marry and transfer all of this man’s wealth to someone else. Heck she doesn’t even have to marry she can just will it to someone else. She doesn’t sound like she cares for the daughter so I wouldn’t be surprised.

There are indeed second wives out there who deserve everything but based on the snippet of information it doesn’t sound like she is one of them.
 
You know this is a hard one. I definitely understand how she feels being that she has no children. If the situation were reversed and she had a child what would she do? This is why I guess when you get into relationships with people that have children you really need to think before you leap. I know after a certain age it is hard to find childless mates, but these types of things come up. I feel sorry for the children who are left out and get nothing, but you know it is what it is. Especially if it is someone you're close to and you see they get done that way from a parent. Again, but that is a person you know and have feelings about. Now let's say she dies shortly after who will she leave everything to? Would she leave it to the daughter? I myself have two daughters with my husband. He has a son and daughter that are not mine. This is how I feel. When we die, My two children who grew up in the house with us should get our house and estate. It might sound messed up but that's the way I feel. Now, if my husband wants to leave something for his other children he should set something up different for them. Because when it's all said and done, if I outlive him I'm looking out for mine. Nothing against his children but it's only human nature. But now, we're just middle come people, when you're talking about RICH people than different rules probably apply. Just my opinion.
 
another case:

Dear Pete,

I’m worried about what will happen to my retirement income when my husband dies. I’m 52 years old, and he’s 62. He’s made much more money than me for years, and I personally don’t have many assets. He plans on retiring sometime in the next year, and he wants me to retire too. We won’t have a pension, and he barely has enough to retire, but he’s going to do it anyway. This works fine until he dies, because he doesn’t have life insurance and he says he’s leaving some of his accounts to his adult children. What should I do?

Marie

Scottsdale, Arizona

This is a problem. Not a "cross this 't' and dot that 'i' problem" but a very big problem. Retirement planning is difficult enough when both people in a marriage are the same age, but when there's a sizeable age gap the problem gets especially complicated.
Statistically speaking, you will likely outlive your husband. And based on your age difference, you may be without him for well over a decade.

In a perfect world, you take your concern to your husband, he calls his life insurance agent and buys a giant life insurance policy on himself that will help create an income stream for you at his death.

But I’ve done this long enough to know if that was in his wheelhouse of prudence, he would have already done it. Besides, the premiums for the policy would likely be cost-prohibitive at this point, especially if he’s barely able to retire.

The last thing you need is a pep talk from me about the importance of a woman taking control of her finances and sticking up for herself, but you’re about to get just that.

As much as you want to spend time together in an idyllic retirement, I highly recommend turning your focus to building your own financial plan. This plan means you need to keep working and make financial decisions based on your own personal retirement readiness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

If you don’t take control of this situation, you will undoubtedly find yourself living a financial nightmare. Without proper planning, any person in a committed relationship would suffer the same fate.https://www.usatoday.com/story/mone...curity-building-income-key-widows/4678184002/
 
A mess....he needs to not retire and change his pension to joint survivorship (75% at least if not 100%).

Transformer said:
another case:

Dear Pete,

I’m worried about what will happen to my retirement income when my husband dies. I’m 52 years old, and he’s 62. He’s made much more money than me for years, and I personally don’t have many assets. He plans on retiring sometime in the next year, and he wants me to retire too. We won’t have a pension, and he barely has enough to retire, but he’s going to do it anyway. This works fine until he dies, because he doesn’t have life insurance and he says he’s leaving some of his accounts to his adult children. What should I do?

Marie

Scottsdale, Arizona

This is a problem. Not a "cross this 't' and dot that 'i' problem" but a very big problem. Retirement planning is difficult enough when both people in a marriage are the same age, but when there's a sizeable age gap the problem gets especially complicated.
Statistically speaking, you will likely outlive your husband. And based on your age difference, you may be without him for well over a decade.

In a perfect world, you take your concern to your husband, he calls his life insurance agent and buys a giant life insurance policy on himself that will help create an income stream for you at his death.

But I’ve done this long enough to know if that was in his wheelhouse of prudence, he would have already done it. Besides, the premiums for the policy would likely be cost-prohibitive at this point, especially if he’s barely able to retire.

The last thing you need is a pep talk from me about the importance of a woman taking control of her finances and sticking up for herself, but you’re about to get just that.

As much as you want to spend time together in an idyllic retirement, I highly recommend turning your focus to building your own financial plan. This plan means you need to keep working and make financial decisions based on your own personal retirement readiness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

If you don’t take control of this situation, you will undoubtedly find yourself living a financial nightmare. Without proper planning, any person in a committed relationship would suffer the same fate.https://www.usatoday.com/story/mone...curity-building-income-key-widows/4678184002/
Click to expand...
 
Transformer said:
another case:

Dear Pete,

I’m worried about what will happen to my retirement income when my husband dies. I’m 52 years old, and he’s 62. He’s made much more money than me for years, and I personally don’t have many assets. He plans on retiring sometime in the next year, and he wants me to retire too. We won’t have a pension, and he barely has enough to retire, but he’s going to do it anyway. This works fine until he dies, because he doesn’t have life insurance and he says he’s leaving some of his accounts to his adult children. What should I do?

Marie

Scottsdale, Arizona

This is a problem. Not a "cross this 't' and dot that 'i' problem" but a very big problem. Retirement planning is difficult enough when both people in a marriage are the same age, but when there's a sizeable age gap the problem gets especially complicated.
Statistically speaking, you will likely outlive your husband. And based on your age difference, you may be without him for well over a decade.

In a perfect world, you take your concern to your husband, he calls his life insurance agent and buys a giant life insurance policy on himself that will help create an income stream for you at his death.

But I’ve done this long enough to know if that was in his wheelhouse of prudence, he would have already done it. Besides, the premiums for the policy would likely be cost-prohibitive at this point, especially if he’s barely able to retire.

The last thing you need is a pep talk from me about the importance of a woman taking control of her finances and sticking up for herself, but you’re about to get just that.

As much as you want to spend time together in an idyllic retirement, I highly recommend turning your focus to building your own financial plan. This plan means you need to keep working and make financial decisions based on your own personal retirement readiness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

If you don’t take control of this situation, you will undoubtedly find yourself living a financial nightmare. Without proper planning, any person in a committed relationship would suffer the same fate.https://www.usatoday.com/story/mone...curity-building-income-key-widows/4678184002/
Click to expand...

She's only 52. And while she isn't fresh out of college, she's not too old to try to do some retirement planning. I don't even know what she was expecting to hear. Her husband can barely retire, which means she definitely shouldn't be trying to retire, and the little bit of money that he has won't be completely hers when he dies. She doesn't really have many options. Possibly divorce her husband for a man who plans to leave her some money, but other than that, she needs to work and plan.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
After we got married my husband inherited a small honey farm that barely broke even, the law considers that his separate property. My separate property included part ownership of a medical marijuana cooperative that was expanding from flowers to manufactured products. Me and the old man formed a medicated bee product LLC. At this point, our separate property was co-mingling its way into becoming marital property and changes needed to be made in our estate planning accordingly.

Since we have been married, between the two of us 38 joint and separate companies have been either started or purchased, some of them rooted from our separate property from before we got married. Not every one turned a profit, some of them are just registered names waiting for some action, but the ones that have done well have done really well.

So back to my story, my husband is leaving me the honey farm instead of his kids. They will inherit his share of the profit earned in his lifetime from our business but the honey farm is not just a business, it's our place to go relax, be silly, make bad bee puns and have sticky, high off edibles sex in the beekeeper cottage. Now people looking in from the outside say that the family property should stay in the family. My husband says, I'm family that made his kids more money off that farm than he or them would have got selling it which was the original plan. I agree with him with zero guilt about the step kids. Second wife or no, I earned my keep on more than just my knees.
Click to expand...



you never disappoint!
 
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