Does your husband "cover" you?

[Sky]

So much truth in this post! I've found that a few of my girlfriends can't "turn off" at home.
I'm certain that is why one marriage is on the rocks. Their interaction is very much like boss/employee.

You sound very much like me with investing in real estate early on and climbing the corporate ladder.

My favorite aunt always kept me in check when I was getting "bossy" at home. She and my uncle had a traditional marriage where she generally stayed home to raise the kids. Most marriages are not like that these days, so the dynamics are different. I've had a couple of friends with stay at home husbands as well as a VP at my company who mentioned it in a meeting since she was upset about missing her son learn to tie his shoes.

My aunt and uncle are both deceased. I do still try to think of what she would suggest though before I react.

Yes my husband would constantly say " you are talking to me like I am one of your employees" and Id be thinking " well you're not at work with me so how you know?! " or " you're acting like one - one of them that gets on my nerves ...." I didn't know how to turn it off cause I wanted my house to run like my job ... or so I thought. I didn't see my husband as a separate real person ( the Boundaries for Marriage book by Townsend and cloud is excellent and helped me a lot btw). It wasn't a partnership. It was I was the leader. Follow. But the funny part is at my job I have a very collaborative leadership style and I am extremely inclusive. That took so much energy that I didn't have it when I got home. Now at work I'm much more transactional in my leadership style and autocratic at times. Because I have to be a wife when I get home. This has worked well for our family more recently and has allowed my husband to truly be the man. It is very very hard for me. But I feel softer , more feminine , relaxed , intuitive, and forgiving. I also see a huge difference in my kids. Like kids need both that masculine and feminine energy. If the woman emasculates her husband it will truly have detrimental effects on the kids. Trust that - and if he's a good dad the kids will resent mom.

So while I'm not where these ladies are with the wonderful husbands who cover, my husband is getting a lot better. He recently stood up to my parents and set boundaries with a situation I would have in the past just taken over. He is very attentive to me and I'm mindful of not taking advantage of this which is something i used to do. I am very quick with my words , thinking and on my feet. I have had to slow this down to allow him to lead. Really men are very simple. I just didn't want to give it. And like another poster said if he doesn't want to cover or is not ready or too immature ( my husband was just really immature ) there's nothing you can do. However I read a quote by Eckhart Tolle that we can only create the space for transformation through love and acceptance but we can't force it. That stuck with me cause in the past there was no space for my husband to grow with me emotionally. I dominated that due my own issues. And last piece of advice - I treated my man like my therapist. Don't do that. Get therapy or join a church group. It's too much of a burden for him. If you are always doing all the talking about your issues, he will go talk to someone else about his.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Yes my husband would constantly say " you are talking to me like I am one of your employees" and Id be thinking " well you're not at work with me so how you know?! " or " you're acting like one - one of them that gets on my nerves ...." I didn't know how to turn it off cause I wanted my house to run like my job ... or so I thought. I didn't see my husband as a separate real person ( the Boundaries for Marriage book by Townsend and cloud is excellent and helped me a lot btw). It wasn't a partnership. It was I was the leader. Follow. But the funny part is at my job I have a very collaborative leadership style and I am extremely inclusive. That took so much energy that I didn't have it when I got home. Now at work I'm much more transactional in my leadership style and autocratic at times. Because I have to be a wife when I get home. This has worked well for our family more recently and has allowed my husband to truly be the man. It is very very hard for me. But I feel softer , more feminine , relaxed , intuitive, and forgiving. I also see a huge difference in my kids. Like kids need both that masculine and feminine energy. If the woman emasculates her husband it will truly have detrimental effects on the kids. Trust that - and if he's a good dad the kids will resent mom.

So while I'm not where these ladies are with the wonderful husbands who cover, my husband is getting a lot better. He recently stood up to my parents and set boundaries with a situation I would have in the past just taken over. He is very attentive to me and I'm mindful of not taking advantage of this which is something i used to do. I am very quick with my words , thinking and on my feet. I have had to slow this down to allow him to lead. Really men are very simple. I just didn't want to give it. And like another poster said if he doesn't want to cover or is not ready or too immature ( my husband was just really immature ) there's nothing you can do. However I read a quote by Eckhart Tolle that we can only create the space for transformation through love and acceptance but we can't force it. That stuck with me cause in the past there was no space for my husband to grow with me emotionally. I dominated that due my own issues. And last piece of advice - I treated my man like my therapist. Don't do that. Get therapy or join a church group. It's too much of a burden for him. If you are always doing all the talking about your issues, he will go talk to someone else about his.

This is all such great information. Thank you for sharing so candidly.

 

[Prudent1]

Wow there's so much good info in this thread!! I'm divorced and have had plenty of time to reflect on many of the things mentioned upstream but wanted to emphasize a few here again.

1. One of the MAIN purposes of marriage (real marriages not the celebrity crap so many are imitating or talk only but not living it from regula deregula ppl IRL) is indeed to magnify all of both spouse's shortcomings!! Do not be surprised as it happens. In a biblical marriage (and you don't have to 'believe' in God in order for His principles to take place no more than you have to 'believe' in gravity I promise you you will fall if you walk off the top of a building. Some things will happen w/o your endorsement, understanding, or belief.) over time the two become one. He needs some of what you have and vice versa. I think it was @PrissiSippi that said her hubby was uber nice and she had some other desires . That's a perfect example. He needs to roughen up a bit and she needs to soften up a bit (Thanks for sharing that too @PrissiSippi ).

2. I always think of good counseling as insurance for relationships. Ideally you would both seek counseling before marriage but even during a marriage having check-ups and planning sessions for 'Us' Inc. simply must be done. I mean we plan careers for ourselves, plan things for the kiddos, you both need to plan what will be done on purpose to keep your marriage healthy too.

3. Everything that sits it's butt on a pew ain't a Christian. If we go sit in a garage do we become automobiles? Why is it so easy for someone to say they are a Christian and it be believed? Religious ppl do that type of stuff. Religious men stress submissive (doormat) wives. A mature (in his relationship with Christ) Christian man covers his wife. The reaction to that good lovin' is that she gifts her submission to him. A man has got to show an prove himself worthy of your submission. He's got to be worth it. You don't just submit all willy nilly just b/c he has a pair. Submission does not mean brainless, spineless, opinion-less, weakness etc. Religious men have lied for years. Jesus severely reprimanded religious men for how they were treating women and children. He never approved that mess. Religious men would have you believe otherwise just like religious men owned and mistreated slaves and fathered many children via adultery .

4. Your marriage is alive. You must feed it and protect it. It will die if left on auto or otherwise not cared for.

This is such a useful thread! Being covered resonates in the deepest inner-most part with both husbands and wives. Someone mentioned how her husband's chest stuck out when he protected her. All of us have noted how secure and safe we feel when we are being covered. There are no perfect people but I truly believe SO is perfect for me and vice versa. You can only change yourself. Then we have to take it to God. If we could totally understand and change others what would we need God for? Well, I guess that's all for now, lol.

ETA- BTW, that same good ole passage religious folks love to quote about women submitting has had the corresponding passages completely ignored. A husband's primary focus should be pleasing his wife and completely meeting her needs as he submits to the ultimate authority figure, God.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Yes, very much so.

Comment: I don't know if men understand how powerful they are as it relates to their wives. The way they treat us can literally make us more feminine and soft or it can make us hard and prickly. I was talking to a friend and her dh is a good guy but he doesn't do a good enough job covering her and I can see it in her appearance and in her body language. And that in turn affects the way she treats him. It's a vicious cycle.

Somebody needs to write an advice book for men regarding this issue. Then again they probably wouldnt5 read it lol.

@Southernbella. I recently listened to an audiobook called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs that I think speaks to this. It was very eye-opening for me.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Yes this is a wonderful topic. I am so happy for all the women who are being covered. It is so lovely and so encouraging to hear these stories. Unfortunately my husband and I are not there yet but its getting a lot better. We are in counseling now and we are learning a lot about each other even though we've know each other over a decade. Here is just my .02 for someone to learn from the mistakes I made:

* I was that independent successful woman --- I bought my own condo at 25 and second rental property before 30 with a positive cash flow. I had multiple degrees before 30 and was at the top of my career in every way. My intentions to marry were not pure. I wanted to have a man by my side while I continued to climb the ladder. "Covering" was seen to me as not living up to my full potential and allowing myself to thwart my success. I have learned now that a) no man, no matter how successful YOU are, wants to be second to his wife or emasculated. Allowing your man to cover you allows him to BE the man. Even if you make more than your man, you have to let him be the MAN. b) Men want a woman to support them and make them feel like a man...hard to do if you are always "boss" c) Men will seek women who allow them to be covered --- this is why a lot of times you see men cheat and the other girl is less attractive, less successful but bet she knows how to be a woman and feminine which is what men want.

* Be honest before you marry about your situation. I never did well with successful men because they were always jealous and competing. I dated many but it always came back to they needed to feel like #1 and I wasnt giving up my spot. So therefore I ended up being in long term relationships with men who were not as ambitious. My sister however married a millionaire and is fully covered. BUT they have a very traditional relationship. That is OK if thats what you want. Know what you want. Once you get married and have kids its going to be really hard to change the dynamics of the relationship.

* Women have to be vulnerable. This was very hard for me. I didnt want to let go. I didnt want to trust. I didnt want to risk feeling like the fool. If you are going to allow yourself to be covered you have to trust the process. If the person is not the right person and shows you that later, consider yourself lucky and move on.

* God first, husband second. Period. Your relationship with God will get everything right so that you will know what to do next with your husband. My stuff was all out of order. My husband was absolutely last. I thought being pretty and successful meant I was a good wife. Not even close. Its like saying a BMW will make you happy and your relationship with your diamond ring will keep you warm and safe at night.

* Marriage is HARD WORK. Whew. The work we've started to put in recently through counseling is no joke. If you dont have two committed people then you dont have a marriage. I am fortunate that my husband and I came together at the same time to work on our marriage and realize we were headed down the wrong path. If you are early in your marriage now, begin to make those corrections before you get to the point of no return. Our therapist told us we would not believe how many people leave their mate because they cheated, or spent too much or didnt make enough, etc... then they marry again and guess what? Same issues or they project the past issues on to the new mate. He was saying that he really encourages individuals to work through their issues, if they dont stay together continue to work on yourself before getting back out there and he said this should be a nice lengthy process to avoid the rebound effect.

Sorry to be so long but because I am really working on my marriage I was excited to come across the topic and hear all the lovely women share their stories. Thats another thing ladies, make sure you are around POSITIVE women who will uplift you and hold the high watch for you and your husband. There are far too many bitter, unforgiving women who will tell you what to do with your man, what not to do, why covering doesnt work, etc...but thats why you have to have your relationship with God first. And if you are blessed to have positive women you are married in your life, happily married, and *honest* about the struggles it can be such a blessing. Right now I have a really good friend who is really helping me through my situation with my husband. We are both learning how to be more loving, kind, forgiving and gentle. This all will make your man GLADLY want to cover you.

 

[bellatiamarie]

 

[PrissiSippi]

I’m so sorry Priss. You are a very beautiful young lady inside and out. I see how hard you try to be a good wife. You deserve to be covered.

The grief I saw in my pastor’s eyes...I will never forget. It was like a slow death for me. It was like I woke up and saw everything face value. He doesn’t cover me and he never will. He may cover parts of me but never ME as a whole.

Physically- if I’m in harm...I’m in my own. He will say I put myself in this predicament or that what would he do because he doesn’t want to risk his job. My safety will not come first. He also won’t come up with a solution to keep me out of harm.

Emotionally- I want a child. A biological child from him. He will never fight to study me inside and out and learn how deeply this hurts me. He will never even try to meet me half way to meet the desires of my heart. I will have to fund it, find a solution, do the solution, and hope for the best in all situations like this. Also if I am sad I’m on my own. It’s like get over it. Or he acts like he doesn’t see.

Spiritually- he never has solutions. Even with the fertility issues he has never led us to the church. He doesn’t know how. He doesn’t want to know how. He gives up very easily. He will never lead us to Christ. I can lead him and he will follow but without me....we will have no spiritual journey.

Sexually- I’ll never forget the day he told me he wanted to be celibate. Even though he knows it’s my love language. I said okay but what do u want me to do when I feel the need to connect? He looked at me and said meditate. That’s basically saying...idgaf what u do. I don’t come up with solutions. You figure it out. Not my job. And I’m not going to figure you out.

Financially- it’s a toss up. He will pay bills. But I feel deep down he resents it. I think he would love a roommate or half-girl better. But he’s passive aggressive. So to make himself not look bad he sulks and procrastinates so I can feel his seething anger which is hidden by “niceness” aloofness and laidbackness. I’m sitting in this emergency room with my son right now. I have said I’m hungry about 2 times. I don’t care if we’re not together....this is such a simple problem to solve. Your wife is hungry. That means your son is hungry as well. There are plenty of restaurants here. Feed them. But no. It’s too hard to cover us and find a solution. It’s easier if he waits and lets me save myself.

i hope I one day learn what it is to be covered.

 

[hopeful]

(((@PrissiSippi)))

I hope you and all of us feel what it’s like to be covered by a partner one day. In the meantime I believe the lesson is that we learn how to cover ourselves, learn to treasure and honor ourselves. Go get yourself and your son some food right now (just you and your son). Or ask the nurse for a suggestion or ask her/him to help you. Maybe they can get you a bite to eat. He is only your husband legally. You are on your own for the most part so you must carry on and take good care of yourself. You can do it.