‘i Feel Betrayed.’ Husband Splitting His Estate — Should I Find Another Man?

[Crackers Phinn]

I don’t understand how you can talk about the importance of legacy building but then say that children should expect to inherit little from their parents if there’s a new wife.

Obviously the best case scenario is that the biological parents stay married till death do them part. Then the likelihood of kids inheriting everything their parents built has a high probability. The book The Millionaire Next Door discusses that getting married and staying married to one spouse is a crucial key to retain wealth.

Now if you can't stay married, I have to re-iterate that it is every mothers responsibility to fight to get her children as much financial consideration from their father as possible. You can barely trust a man connected to your vagina to do right by you and yours over the long term, if he has no connection then all bets are off.

 

[guudhair]

She is covered just fine. She comes off like someone who married for a come up and now is mad because the dollars aren’t adding up.

A covered wife doesn’t “feel like a third wheel” concerning her husband.

 

[Theresamonet]

I have a very loving relationship with my step daughter, not so much with my step son. My relationship with my stepson is better now that he is grown and out of our house but there would probably be some warfare if my husband wasn't in the picture. The old man knows what kind of kid (and wife ) he got so the option to fight was taken away when my husband sat the three of us down and gave us 60 days to sign an Agreement Not To Contest. If any of us chose not to sign then his will would be rewritten and that person's portion of his separate assets would be divided by whoever did sign. He and I talked about this beforehand and I was fully supportive because I don't want any headaches. Even so, I still expect drama.

Someone is gone try to contest the agreement to not contest.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

It might start happening more and more (dying with a chunk of money), as the burden of saving for retirement has been shifted from employer pension to individual retirement. I'm unlikely to die a millionaire, but in the sad event of me dying around the age of 62, now the entirety of my 30 years of retirement savings is there, without me having spent it. Yeah, people on average don't have much, but more and more of them will have at least a sizable chunk by retirement because that is the new era. Most of us, hopefully, will not die within a year of retirement But some of us will ...

Is it not true that most states are not community property? Though, that's a digression ...

No, I totally get that most people who make it to retirement age will have a lump sum but the tax implications from parent to child were already bad for cashing out, but the new changes it even more.

https://longhaircareforum.com/threa...he-secure-act-could-create-a-disaster.847483/

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Someone is gone try to contest the agreement to not contest.

No doubt. Stepson is a Scorpio. It's going to go how it's going to go. He can try me if he want to.

 

[Browndilocks]

An adult child should get no more than 25% if there is still a spouse IMO.

 

[dicapr]

A covered wife doesn’t “feel like a third wheel” concerning her husband.

Some people are always going to feel some kind of way no matter what unless it works out in their favor. We have no idea why the husband wants to divide his money that way. It’s just the second wife feeling some kind of way because she isn’t getting everything. He could have promised his daughter half way before he ever married second wife.

 

[Lymegreen]

I ended up reading more posts on that site... I don’t know why anybody does these late marriages in their 60s,70s, 80s etc. I would just Oprah/Stedman it

I think living separately and spending long weekends or a few weeks at a time together feels about right. No need to meet family although they could know that you had a friend’.

 

[Theresamonet]

Some people are always going to feel some kind of way no matter what unless it works out in their favor. We have no idea why the husband wants to divide his money that way. It’s just the second wife feeling some kind of way because she isn’t getting everything. He could have promised his daughter half way before he ever married second wife.

His wife is his partner, not another one of his children. You don’t just have your wife feeling “some kinda way” about how you’re planning your estate, and it’s too bad for her, she’s just mad she’s not getting her way. No money should be divided up without full understanding (and agreement) from his wife.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

The thing that stood out to me about the OP is that she "recently found out" about her husbands estate planning. You ain't supposed to find out about stuff like that, you need to open your mouth and ask about it early on to avoid this kind of thing. Wife said she assumed she and her husband were on the same page about inheritance, well, "assuming" makes an "Ass" out of "U" and "Ming". Even so, now that she found out, she out here asking a columnist whether she should leave, no mention of a conversation with her husband about what's making her feel like a third wheel.

Ya'll know I hate defending men. HATE IT! But maybe her husband has no idea of what her expectations are.

 

[guudhair]

Some people are always going to feel some kind of way no matter what unless it works out in their favor. We have no idea why the husband wants to divide his money that way. It’s just the second wife feeling some kind of way because she isn’t getting everything. He could have promised his daughter half way before he ever married second wife.

I get what you are saying when dealing with other people; however, I don’t consider spouses to fall within regular terms of what a person would or would not do for someone else.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I cannot believe that y’all are consigning this woman’s belief that she should get 100% of her husband’s estate when he has a daughter.

 

[guudhair]

But maybe her husband has no idea of what her expectations are.

Maybe he does know her expectations and doesn’t care. Maybe she did address the issue with him and he stood firm. So now she’s venting to a columnist.

She married the wrong man.

 

[MomofThreeBoys]

Someone is gone try to contest the agreement to not contest.

Curious...do you have children? As a woman, would you leave most of your assets to a second husband and not your children?

I have three kids. If my husband and I divorce and I remarry no way am I leaving the majority of my assets to my new husband. I worked hard for what I have and want to leave it to my progeny. I can’t imagine leaving a new DH who didn’t contribute to those assets the majority of my assets.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Maybe he does know her expectations and doesn’t care. Maybe she did address the issue with him and he stood firm. So now she’s venting to a columnist.

She married the wrong man.

It could be but the way she worded the letter leans toward her never talking to him about the subject.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I have three kids. If my husband and I divorce and I remarry no way am I leaving the majority of my assets to my new husband. I worked hard for what I have and want to leave it to my progeny. I can’t imagine leaving a new DH who didn’t contribute to those assets the majority of my assets.

That's why you would exempt your separate property via pre-nuptial agreement. Community/Common property amassed during a marriage operates under different rules whether it's your first or fifth marriage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those of you not in a community property state, you may want to look up common property law about spousal death because the law might not be what you think as far as how much of your marital assets can be passed on to your children.

 

[Theresamonet]

Curious...do you have children? As a woman, would you leave most of your assets to a second husband and not your children?

I have three kids. If my husband and I divorce and I remarry no way am I leaving the majority of my assets to my new husband. I worked hard for what I have and want to leave it to my progeny. I can’t imagine leaving a new DH who didn’t contribute to those assets the majority of my assets.

No, I don’t currently have kids.

In my opinion, this isn’t a situation that works the same in reverse. I don’t think wives have the same financial responsibility to their husbands as husbands have to their wives. I wouldn’t leave all of my money to a MAN when I die, if I have kids. How exactly would I divide it, I can’t say. Depends on how much money we’re both working with.

 

[mrselle]

He’s not covering his wife. He is her priority but she is not his. That’s what the issue actually is...regardless of her tone and delivery. Now that she knows for sure, she can plan accordingly.

I don't think its a matter of him not covering her as much as it is an issue of the two of them not seeing eye to eye on this issue for whatever reason. My guess is that this is a discussion that was had before, but she may not have been receptive to what he was saying so the conversation was dropped. I honestly believe that his intent isn't to hurt her or give her the shaft. I think his intent is to pass along his wealth to his heir and that heir will pass it on to her own daughter.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

A covered wife doesn’t “feel like a third wheel” concerning her husband.

A person's feelings can't be a barometer for a situation. It's fair to feel slighted if that's what's happening but what if she's just insecure? Demanding everything suggests she might be IMO.

 

[guudhair]

A person's feelings can't be a barometer for a situation. It's fair to feel slighted if that's what's happening but what if she's just insecure? Demanding everything suggests she might be IMO.

Her feelings are the barometer to her and she may very well be insecure. I still expect a husband to leave his wife the majority of his estate.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Her feelings are the barometer to her and she may very well be insecure. I still expect a husband to leave his wife the majority of his estate.

His money is the barometer to her.

Leaving the majority to her wouldn't have satisfied her. She feels slighted because he isn't leaving her everything like she's doing with him. It's all or nothing.

 

[guudhair]

Leaving the majority to her wouldn't have satisfied her. She feels slighted because he isn't leaving her everything like she's doing with him. It's all or nothing.

I agree that it wouldn’t satisfy her because I feel this is probably one of many battles she’s lost with him over important matters.

 

[Farida]

For me, it’s a problem if my husband sits down to write out a will, and I end up with less than what the government would give me if he’d died without one.

A lot of you are speaking from the perspective of the first wife, and coming up with dramatic narratives about the pacts that were made between husband and wife #1 as new parents... You want your child to get all you they can, and you don’t give a damn about the next wife. Got it. But in reality, once your husband remarries, his first obligation is to his wife, not y’all’s grown child. His wife, his other half, should be getting the majority of what’s left of him. The government agrees with this.

The gist of my post that you quoted is that maybe Bowie left her half based on state law. I don’t know what state they were in so it’s conjecture on my part. But as for my opinion on the issue of 2nd marriages my narrative is not “dramatic.” We can agree to disagree.

 

[Farida]

It might start happening more and more (dying with a chunk of money), as the burden of saving for retirement has been shifted from employer pension to individual retirement. I'm unlikely to die a millionaire, but in the sad event of me dying around the age of 62, now the entirety of my 30 years of retirement savings is there, without me having spent it. Yeah, people on average don't have much, but more and more of them will have at least a sizable chunk by retirement because that is the new era. Most of us, hopefully, will not die within a year of retirement But some of us will ...

Is it not true that most states are not community property? Though, that's a digression ...

Yes, only a minority of states are community property.

 

[Farida]

I don’t understand how you can talk about the importance of legacy building but then say that children should expect to inherit little from their parents if there’s a new wife.

Exactly. I am all about that generational wealth for my kids. I don’t expect them to get half or more of what was acquired during the second marriage but I am not altering their piece of the pie due to a new marriage. Especially a marriage of a few years closer to death.

 

[Farida]

But this is why it is very important to transfer property and create trusts prior to death or remarriage or during the divorce.
Plus discussing all this prior to marriage as a second wife. There will always be drama but it significantly reduced and legal issues are ironed out to make contesting the estate harder.

 

[Theresamonet]

The gist of my post that you quoted is that maybe Bowie left her half based on state law. I don’t know what state they were in so it’s conjecture on my part. But as for my opinion on the issue of 2nd marriages my narrative is not “dramatic.” We can agree to disagree.

The second part of my post clearly had nothing to do with what you said. I don’t know what we’re agreeing to disagree about, but... sure.

 

[Keen]

His money is the barometer to her.

Leaving the majority to her wouldn't have satisfied her. She feels slighted because he isn't leaving her everything like she's doing with him. It's all or nothing.

I agree that it wouldn’t satisfy her because I feel this is probably one of many battles she’s lost with him over important matters.

I feel she's mad because she doesn't have anyone else to leave her money too. If she had kids, she would have changed her will to leave 50% to them and keep it moving.

This woman just came along later in this man's life. It's not like she was around and by his side when he was generating all his money. He has a right to share his money with his daughter who has been around all her life.

 

[LiftedUp]

But this is why it is very important to transfer property and create trusts prior to death or remarriage or during the divorce.
Plus discussing all this prior to marriage as a second wife. There will always be drama but it significantly reduced and legal issues are ironed out to make contesting the estate harder.

The older heads in my family is doing this now. As morbid as it seems, they're making it clear that they want to keep certain pieces of property, especially, within our lineage. My grandmother made me promise not to sell her parents' property. She specifically told me that shes not leaving it for her son because he has no children and she doesn't want a woman to come along and for it to be passed on to her children. She's still heartbroken over the fact that an elder sister sold her property (that was given to her by their father) without giving the family a chance to purchase it from her. My grandma is plain spoken like that

My point is that if you want to build a legacy you do so through future generations. It becomes tricky when there are children outside of marriage and new spouses. Usually one spouse will leave their assets to the other and then to their children. I also understand why people dont transfer property early. Honestly I'm flattered that my family is doing so at an early stage vs putting it in a will. I'm not sure if I trust people that well as yet... children can turn on you

 

[Transformer]

Has anyone considered that part of the husband‘s wealth may have come from the first wife?

He may be simply passing the mother’s wealth to the child. I’m also curious about the age difference. But she wants it all.....I think she should bounce now....maybe she will get more out of a divorce settlement.