Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
It is for me, why am I only talking to DH in a room full of other people?
Should She Lunch With Her Bro-in-law?
- Thread starter justNikki
- Start date
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
That was about talking ( which is weird to me) not about lunch. There were 14 adults at our last family get together. I know I talked to my male cousin, my other cousins husband and my sisters boyfriend more than I did to DH. We had a lot to catch up on vs. DH who I see and talk to 366 days a year.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
This is what I mean by reeking of disfunction. If this is the kind of family I had then yeah...I'd probably be paranoid AF anytime I saw anyone of the opposite sex talking to my husband.
Theresamonet
Well-Known Member
Okay. Well, they just have some dynamics that I can't relate to. No one in my family has to worry about their man being snatched at our gatherings. We are Family. But your friend should follow her gut.
BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
But how do you know the family has this dysfunction until it happens?
valid point but the people I know who have to watch their man around their sisters have to watch EVERYTHING around all their family members. They lock up purses, put up valuables, and men...Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
sure it does, my sisters man is 100% off limits. No man that has been with any relative has any chance with me...and the fact that all women and men do not follow these rules completely blows my mind.New nookie doesn't have titles.
LovingLady
Well-Known Member
I ask SO if he would have lunch with his SIL alone and he said no. The more you spend time with someone the more you start to like them. What is his end goal, what is he looking to accomplish? Outside of a group setting he has no business being around her.
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Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
I don't know that it's about having to watch your man around others. I'm hypersensitive to men's intentions to the point where something a man says or does might be imperceptible to his wife but it gives me a vibe I don't care for. It seems it's like that for op. Old boy might not be a cheater or anything but he could very well be drawn to op's friend in a way that makes her uncomfortable i.e. wishing his wife was as interesting or smart or pretty as op's friend.
BINGO!
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
I have read this a good 3-4 times and I'm still trying to figure this out. Does it have to do with being uncomfortable with male attention in general?
BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
You're a decent, normal human being.
But some people view everyone thru a lense of a prospective sexual conquest. 
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
If she’s uncomfortable, she’s uncomfortable. Something isn’t sitting right about this with her. She may not be able to put her finger on it. How often do we tell women to follow their instincts? Just bc he’s a BIL doesn’t mean anything. Now he may not mean it maliciously, but she should be able to proceed as she feels comfortable.
I wasn’t actually talking about man snatching per se. I’m talking about A woman’s brother in law who zooms in on her whenever they’re in the same room and wants to start lunching with her without her husband.
I would be the brother in law in this situation. My sister isn't married but she and her boyfriend have been together for so many years. At family gatherings I do talk to him a lot. We have similar personalities and he's kind of shy and my family can be a bit much. So in the beginning I was just trying to make him feel included so my sis wouldn't think we were ignoring or didn't like him. Plus my sister brings him to every single thing we have. They are always together. I have invited him out, I call him on his birthday, he calls me on mine (me and my sister are twins so I'm sure my sister makes him call lol) At family gatherings he makes a beeline for me because he knows I don't like to help out and my sister is always volunteering for things. Lol I feel like we are friends (not family since she doesn't have a ring yet but that's another story)
But anyway my sister likes that we get along so well and my feelings would be hurt if he said he felt uncomfortable with how much I talk to him and I would probably be like fine then I won't talk to him at all. But I guess everyone's family is different.
But anyway my sister likes that we get along so well and my feelings would be hurt if he said he felt uncomfortable with how much I talk to him and I would probably be like fine then I won't talk to him at all. But I guess everyone's family is different.
But what if you’re just not sure about intentions? Have you ever erred on the side of caution?
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
This is more like what I’m used to. This is how my sister and dh are and how I am with her boyfriend. I couldn’t stand her ex deep down but I always made it a point to chat him up, and make him feel included.
Farida
Well-Known Member
She should trust her gut.
We are judging this scenario based on our own personal experiences and hers could be totally different.
I have an uncle who was like a dad to me. He is my aunt’s husband. One time when I was sixteen he touched my hair and gave me this look that made me feel very uncomfortable. Since he was like a dad to me and nothing weird had ever happened I gave it a pass...I decided I was being weird. He was MUCH older than I and had never even given the apperance of impropriety.
I had stayed over at their home several times and had been home alone with him over the years and nothing untoward had ever happened. Still, that one incident which had happened in front of my brother and sister still gave me very uncomfortable vibes. Nobody else noticed anything odd. It stuck to my mind for years...
Lo and behold. Fifteen years later I come
to find out that my uncle had been banging one of my cousins. Yes! His wife’s sister’s daughter. She is thirty years younger than he is and had been staying under their roof to attend some college classes my aunt was paying for.
It totally shattered me; my aunt and my family in general. I now look back and strongly believe my gut had been correct all this time.
If she is uncomfortable let her follow her instincts and stay away.
We are judging this scenario based on our own personal experiences and hers could be totally different.
I have an uncle who was like a dad to me. He is my aunt’s husband. One time when I was sixteen he touched my hair and gave me this look that made me feel very uncomfortable. Since he was like a dad to me and nothing weird had ever happened I gave it a pass...I decided I was being weird. He was MUCH older than I and had never even given the apperance of impropriety.
I had stayed over at their home several times and had been home alone with him over the years and nothing untoward had ever happened. Still, that one incident which had happened in front of my brother and sister still gave me very uncomfortable vibes. Nobody else noticed anything odd. It stuck to my mind for years...
Lo and behold. Fifteen years later I come
to find out that my uncle had been banging one of my cousins. Yes! His wife’s sister’s daughter. She is thirty years younger than he is and had been staying under their roof to attend some college classes my aunt was paying for.
It totally shattered me; my aunt and my family in general. I now look back and strongly believe my gut had been correct all this time.
If she is uncomfortable let her follow her instincts and stay away.
M
My girlfriend brought this up to me twice because I think she’s seeking validation in her feelings. I told her to follow her gut, but I have my thoughts on it. I didn’t want to inject any ill feelings if she didn’t have any, but she used your words...he makes her feel weird.
My girlfriend brought this up to me twice because I think she’s seeking validation in her feelings. I told her to follow her gut, but I have my thoughts on it. I didn’t want to inject any ill feelings if she didn’t have any, but she used your words...he makes her feel weird.
BrickbyBrick
Well-Known Member
Think it depends on the relationship dynamic that exists between in-laws. I have one brother in law who is an extrovert and we have many things in common. Lunch with him would not be out of the ordinary although we're so busy and the family is so big that stuff like that doesn't lend itself to one on one lunch dates and texts are always in group form, with a few one on one texts sprinkled in if he can't reach DH for some reason and the issue is timely. I have another who is very introverted and not much for talking. We don't have much in common although I like him very much and we have a friendly rivalry on who's the better in-law. Now here one on one lunch would be awkward I think as I tend to veer on the quiet side sometimes. But it's doable. I understand that not all families are the same, so I say go with your gut when confronted with a situation like that. If unsure, go to a public place and all that. Inform DH of the date. Inform in-law that you informed DH of the encounter. If you sense an inappropriate vibe, nip it in the bud. Be firm. You can be nice. but be firm. don't dance or they'll think you're being coy.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
No! I wouldn’t and nobody else better do it. Where are the boundaries? Third Wheels, family related lunch dates, etc.. it’s all good until somebody decides to take it a step further..
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
Trust her gut.
I would do lunch alone with my future BIL, though.
I would do lunch alone with my future BIL, though.
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
I'll admit it: I have no interest in knowing my brothers-in-law or male in laws one-on-one in a stand alone capacity as men. They are cool for what they are: "family by marriage" but there are people I choose to put in my life and people I enjoy through other people. Male in laws fall into the "enjoy through other people" category. Does everyone cheat given time? Nope. Will everyone hit on someone they deem wonderful in a matter of time? Nope. Just because you are around someone all the time does that mean they grow on you? Absolutely not that can lead to why you are sure that you can't stand them. However I like to spend one on one time with people I can be "wide-open" with and that wide open/ too comfortable aspect isn't offered to male in laws. For your friend she knows what's up. You can tell when a man gives you special treatment, when that gaze lingers on you a bit too long and if quite frankly he wants you. I know when I can manipulate a man into doing what I want without having to flirt or be inappropriate. We ain't going to lunch just because a line won't be crossed though. Nothing wrong with making ever day things like a simple lunch special by limiting who gets access to them, and reserving them for those you deem special.
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
Not for me. This happened to me irl with someone I'm close to. Her dh was always friendly, no problem, but then came the compliments and eventually the pointed comments about liking something I do that I know his wife doesn't do. I don't want that kind of attention from someone else's husband, at least not someone I know and love who is a damn good wife. It wasn't cheating, really wasn't even flirting, but she didn't deserve it and I wasn't interested on entertaining it.
Eta: someone will ask so might as well post it. In this situation, first it was an innocent compliment on my shoes, which were heels, which his wife didn't wear. Then it was my hair, and his wife stayed in a bun or ponytail, then another time it was my nails that I keep polished, something else his wife doesn't do. It all seemed very innocent on the surface and not even flirty but I didn't like it.
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Leeda.the.Paladin
Well-Known Member
Most of my husband’s brothers have creeped outside of their marriage and his sister’s husband definitely has as well (though no one talks about it). I wouldn’t feel comfortable meeting any of them for lunch by ourselves.
I know a lot of people here dont agree, but I feel that a lot of time spent with someone of the opposite sex can easily develop into something that neither party may have been searching out. I’ve seen it happen too many times.
I know a lot of people here dont agree, but I feel that a lot of time spent with someone of the opposite sex can easily develop into something that neither party may have been searching out. I’ve seen it happen too many times.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
@Southernbella.
It’s like he is being passive aggressive and using you as an example of what he prefers. That’s not nice at all. I don’t blame you for wanting no parts of it. It’s just subtle enough that if someone called him on it he could act innocent and offended. I personally think men like this are emotionally abusive.
It’s like he is being passive aggressive and using you as an example of what he prefers. That’s not nice at all. I don’t blame you for wanting no parts of it. It’s just subtle enough that if someone called him on it he could act innocent and offended. I personally think men like this are emotionally abusive.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
Totally agree. These are the type of men that do this...then go home and bash and triangulate their wives. I'd venture to say that the wife has been made painfully aware of what she doesnt do, wear and who she is being compared to.
