I Chose Me

[lexi84]

Hi Ladies,

About a month ago, I posted a few times about my engagement that has been on the rocks. This morning I sent him back the ring (we're long distance). I haven't told him yet. He has deliberately hurt and disappointed me so many times that it reached the point where for me to continue with him would have been really disrespectful to myself. He doesn't cheat on me or anything like that, but he is so inconsiderate of my feelings now. He has completely resigned from doing anything to keep the relationship going (visiting, acknowledging holidays/special events) and he only started calling on a regular basis again last week. He didn't even bother to send a card or flowers for graduation (much less try to be here). I was THERE when he graduated. I put his hood on for him, was with his family and even got him a Movado! Then Sunday afternoon he sends me some sorry text. How can I be your fiance but I'm only an afterthought?

He is unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to be in a healthy relationship.He refuses to see his own errors, if I say he does something hurtful to me he turns it around and makes it all about him and his feelings. He has become a person that I do not know, or care to know. But he told me he didn't love me, I just wasn't listening. He said he felt "neutral" about our relationship, and he refused to say "i love you" back to me. I knew then. It was just too hard to accept. But now, a month and several family crisis, holidays, and special events (without him) later I get it.So as much as I love him, as wonderfully as he used to treat me, he is not that man anymore. And it hurts so badly. He was my first real true love. But I have to love me more. So I'm letting him go.

I just really need some support right now.

You sound so smart and you displayed that by making such a wise decision. I'm so glad you made this decision. I know its hard and it will take time to get over.

I went through this a couple years ago with a BF (now ex-BF). I broke up with him becasue he was seeing too much of his ex. It was hurtful but I was so proud of myself. I ended up meeting the best man ever less than 4 months later and we're still together, going strong. He's my best friend. God has better things in store for you honey.

 

[lexi84]

Be careful with this thought....He may surprise you and come after you...I felt the same way when I broke up with my ex...but he surprised me and came back....a month after having no contact at all and has been begging ever since but its too late for us in my opinion...If he does come back make sure you think about why you broke it off because some men just hate to "lose" and he may come back for the wrong reasons. Hugs to you and good luck with whatever you decide to do. I'm really sorry this happened.

Yes I agree, be prepared for that encounter. Especially after he gets your ring in the mail

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

I ended my engagement AND relationship back in July to my boyfriend of 1.5 years and it was definitely hard. We were already living together so after doing the merging of things, we had to do the separating of things, and eventually each other.

But the thing that made me come to my decision (I posted about it on here) was the fact that in our relationship I didn't feel as though he was putting my thoughts and feelings on the list of his priorities, while I was doing that for him. If we can't even do that as a couple, how can we do it as man and wife? I didn't want to end it because he was my best friend and my companion for so long, but I knew in my heart of hearts what the right thing was for me to do.

You're blessed! You're blessed to have figured this out now BEFORE the wedding, rather than to hang onto a string of hope that things can change after the vows, and then wind up in divorce. It may not seem like it, but you are truly blessed and in this aspect you have to keep telling yourself that.

I try to take lessons away from all of my relationships and the one key thing that I learned during my last one was to never avoid the red flags. You know those red flags; the ones we see early on in a relationship that make us go but because we're either invested in the relationship, or don't want to be alone, or just don't want to be single again, we try to ignore them. They will be the SAME red flags that will haunt you your entire relationship and ultimately be the cause of the breakup.

I tried to put our issues on the backburner for as long as I could, until I couldn't ignore them anymore, and then I ended things.

Take some time for YOU, figure out who YOU are, what YOU like, what YOU want out of a mate. That's what I've done, and continue to do each day, and I'm all the more happier because of it. When you get out of a bad relationship, and you reflect on it, you tend to realize that although you thought you were happy then, you're much happier now because the issues that were subconsciously always a problem are no longer there.

And if all else fails, read this book called Faith in the Valley by Iyanla Vanzant. It has some powerful proverbs that I read daily and it helps me reaffirm myself. Here's one of my favorites:

Sometimes it's got to get worse before it gets better. Sometimes it is not until the muck and mire are so deep, so thick, that we realize there has got to be a change. As long as we have little problems, we are willing and able to maneuveur our way around. When the challenges are small, we can find a quick fix, a means of deliverance, without realizing there is a deeper problem, a bigger issue which requires healing.

Healing is not like fixing. Fixing is doing whatever we can to cover up, disguise, or eliminate the problem...temporarily. Healing cuts to the core, goes to the bone, as a means of eliminating the cause of the problem...forever. Band-Aids fix. They cover the problem up. Keep it clean and out of sight. When something is healing, it will ooze, cause pressure, or hurt. Stitches will fix, close up the problem, make it bearable. If, however, there is an infection under the stitches, the wound must be opened; the infection must be cleaned out before there is any relief. Healing is a great deal more painful than fixing. But think of it this way; once there is a healing, the problem goes away for good.

 

[SilentRuby]

Yes indeed, I always end up with the "I didn't know I had such a good thing when I had you" types. Popping back up after I have moved on via phone, email, letter, smoke signal, message in a bottle...prepare yourself. If I ever need a self esteem booster, I should just gather all my ex's in a room and they could sing my praises.

UGH!!!

Yes!! When after the fact, I don't want to put in any more effort, I don't care if you really did change. You had plenty of time to do right the first time. They always come back, but I never have.

Just had a friend tell me she spoke to one of these types (from my past) the other day.

 

[Seven7]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I am glad that you posted this, because I hope that it expires other ladies to "choose themselves" over just being with a man.

"Never make someone a priority in your life, when you remain an option in theirs."

 

[itismehmmkay]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

I ended my engagement AND relationship back in July to my boyfriend of 1.5 years and it was definitely hard. We were already living together so after doing the merging of things, we had to do the separating of things, and eventually each other.

But the thing that made me come to my decision (I posted about it on here) was the fact that in our relationship I didn't feel as though he was putting my thoughts and feelings on the list of his priorities, while I was doing that for him. If we can't even do that as a couple, how can we do it as man and wife? I didn't want to end it because he was my best friend and my companion for so long, but I knew in my heart of hearts what the right thing was for me to do.

You're blessed! You're blessed to have figured this out now BEFORE the wedding, rather than to hang onto a string of hope that things can change after the vows, and then wind up in divorce. It may not seem like it, but you are truly blessed and in this aspect you have to keep telling yourself that.

I try to take lessons away from all of my relationships and the one key thing that I learned during my last one was to never avoid the red flags. You know those red flags; the ones we see early on in a relationship that make us go but because we're either invested in the relationship, or don't want to be alone, or just don't want to be single again, we try to ignore them. They will be the SAME red flags that will haunt you your entire relationship and ultimately be the cause of the breakup.

I tried to put our issues on the backburner for as long as I could, until I couldn't ignore them anymore, and then I ended things.

Take some time for YOU, figure out who YOU are, what YOU like, what YOU want out of a mate. That's what I've done, and continue to do each day, and I'm all the more happier because of it. When you get out of a bad relationship, and you reflect on it, you tend to realize that although you thought you were happy then, you're much happier now because the issues that were subconsciously always a problem are no longer there.

And if all else fails, read this book called Faith in the Valley by Iyanla Vanzant. It has some powerful proverbs that I read daily and it helps me reaffirm myself. Here's one of my favorites:

Sometimes it's got to get worse before it gets better. Sometimes it is not until the muck and mire are so deep, so thick, that we realize there has got to be a change. As long as we have little problems, we are willing and able to maneuveur our way around. When the challenges are small, we can find a quick fix, a means of deliverance, without realizing there is a deeper problem, a bigger issue which requires healing.

Healing is not like fixing. Fixing is doing whatever we can to cover up, disguise, or eliminate the problem...temporarily. Healing cuts to the core, goes to the bone, as a means of eliminating the cause of the problem...forever. Band-Aids fix. They cover the problem up. Keep it clean and out of sight. When something is healing, it will ooze, cause pressure, or hurt. Stitches will fix, close up the problem, make it bearable. If, however, there is an infection under the stitches, the wound must be opened; the infection must be cleaned out before there is any relief. Healing is a great deal more painful than fixing. But think of it this way; once there is a healing, the problem goes away for good.

Too awesome
And love the bolded breakdown

 

[Kamilah]

I'm sorry to report that I relapsed. I wasn't ready to do it and I got my period which made me even less confident that it was a sane decision. I called him to end it and he was naturally hurt and surprised. I felt especially bad bc just a week ago we agreed to try to wrk it out and he was really making more of an effort than he had in a while. I was rightfully angry that he failed to acknowledge my graduation and instead of Addressing my concerns reasonably, I just gave up on him and the whole shabang.

Soooo I'm not going to compromise on what I need from him but I'm going up to see him tomorrow so we can talk like adults. If he doesn't want to push forward then I will walk with a clear concience. But this is my major show of committment to working this out. I just hope it doesn't blow up in my face. I know y'all may be disappointed, I don't know that I'm not disappointed in myself, but I think it's important to be confident in the major decisions that I make. I love this man and I think he still loves me too. If he doesn't then I walk. I won't grovel, but I feel strangely compelled to do this.

 

[lexi84]

I'm sorry to report that I relapsed. I wasn't ready to do it and I got my period which made me even less confident that it was a sane decision. I called him to end it and he was naturally hurt and surprised. I felt especially bad bc just a week ago we agreed to try to wrk it out and he was really making more of an effort than he had in a while. I was rightfully angry that he failed to acknowledge my graduation and instead of Addressing my concerns reasonably, I just gave up on him and the whole shabang.

Soooo I'm not going to compromise on what I need from him but I'm going up to see him tomorrow so we can talk like adults. If he doesn't want to push forward then I will walk with a clear concience. But this is my major show of committment to working this out. I just hope it doesn't blow up in my face. I know y'all may be disappointed, I don't know that I'm not disappointed in myself, but I think it's important to be confident in the major decisions that I make. I love this man and I think he still loves me too. If he doesn't then I walk. I won't grovel, but I feel strangely compelled to do this.

IMHO, you did address your concerns reasonably. You chose....you. The man chose to miss your graduation, a very important and momentous occassion in your life, which was obviously not that important to him. And now you're back to choosing him over you.

I think you need to reread your OP.

 

[lexi84]

Hi Ladies,

But he told me he didn't love me, I just wasn't listening. He said he felt "neutral" about our relationship, and he refused to say "i love you" back to me. I knew then. It was just too hard to accept. But now, a month and several family crisis, holidays, and special events (without him) later I get it.So as much as I love him, as wonderfully as he used to treat me, he is not that man anymore. And it hurts so badly. He was my first real true love. But I have to love me more. So I'm letting him go.

Girl are you sure you want THAT man back?

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

I'm sorry to report that I relapsed. I wasn't ready to do it and I got my period which made me even less confident that it was a sane decision. I called him to end it and he was naturally hurt and surprised. I felt especially bad bc just a week ago we agreed to try to wrk it out and he was really making more of an effort than he had in a while. I was rightfully angry that he failed to acknowledge my graduation and instead of Addressing my concerns reasonably, I just gave up on him and the whole shabang.

Soooo I'm not going to compromise on what I need from him but I'm going up to see him tomorrow so we can talk like adults. If he doesn't want to push forward then I will walk with a clear concience. But this is my major show of committment to working this out. I just hope it doesn't blow up in my face. I know y'all may be disappointed, I don't know that I'm not disappointed in myself, but I think it's important to be confident in the major decisions that I make. I love this man and I think he still loves me too. If he doesn't then I walk. I won't grovel, but I feel strangely compelled to do this.

If you can work it out, then fantastic.

But, why the need or feeling of wanting to grovel? Not grovel for this man to change, I hope.

Just because he may a right man, doesn't mean he's the right man for YOU. Don't grovel for him to change.

 

[Kamilah]

I was saying that I won't grovel at him. He had that cojones to ask for my hand to my face so the least we can do is end it in the same way. I feel very ambiguous about it all and don't know what I should do so I'm trying to make sure that whatever I do isn't regrettable. Going back may cost me a little pride but atleast I can walk away more confidently if it comes to that.

 

[hopeful]

Hi Ladies,

About a month ago, I posted a few times about my engagement that has been on the rocks. This morning I sent him back the ring (we're long distance). I haven't told him yet. He has deliberately hurt and disappointed me so many times that it reached the point where for me to continue with him would have been really disrespectful to myself. He doesn't cheat on me or anything like that, but he is so inconsiderate of my feelings now. He has completely resigned from doing anything to keep the relationship going (visiting, acknowledging holidays/special events) and he only started calling on a regular basis again last week. He didn't even bother to send a card or flowers for graduation (much less try to be here). I was THERE when he graduated. I put his hood on for him, was with his family and even got him a Movado! Then Sunday afternoon he sends me some sorry text. How can I be your fiance but I'm only an afterthought?

He is unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to be in a healthy relationship.He refuses to see his own errors, if I say he does something hurtful to me he turns it around and makes it all about him and his feelings. He has become a person that I do not know, or care to know. But he told me he didn't love me, I just wasn't listening. He said he felt "neutral" about our relationship, and he refused to say "i love you" back to me. I knew then. It was just too hard to accept. But now, a month and several family crisis, holidays, and special events (without him) later I get it.So as much as I love him, as wonderfully as he used to treat me, he is not that man anymore. And it hurts so badly. He was my first real true love. But I have to love me more. So I'm letting him go.

I just really need some support right now.

Please re-read the bolded from your original post. Why are you and he engaged to each other when he won't even say he loves you and admits he feels "neutral" toward your relationship. I don't get it. Good luck though. I wouldn't go up to see him though. He'd have to make an effort to see me if he wanted to work things out.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Please re-read the bolded from your original post. Why are you and he engaged to each other when he won't even say he loves you and admits he feels "neutral" toward your relationship. I don't get it. Good luck though. I wouldn't go up to see him though. He'd have to make an effort to see me if he wanted to work things out.

Major co-sign. I would re-read the first thread and then re-read the OP...

And Hopeful is spot on...HE would be coming to me. If he couldn't be bothered to make my graduation and can't even say I love you, then that, IMO, is all the confirmation necessary.

Sometimes closure is something we have to give ourselves.

 

[song_of_serenity]

I'm sorry to report that I relapsed. I wasn't ready to do it and I got my period which made me even less confident that it was a sane decision. I called him to end it and he was naturally hurt and surprised. I felt especially bad bc just a week ago we agreed to try to wrk it out and he was really making more of an effort than he had in a while. I was rightfully angry that he failed to acknowledge my graduation and instead of Addressing my concerns reasonably, I just gave up on him and the whole shabang.

Soooo I'm not going to compromise on what I need from him but I'm going up to see him tomorrow so we can talk like adults. If he doesn't want to push forward then I will walk with a clear concience. But this is my major show of committment to working this out. I just hope it doesn't blow up in my face. I know y'all may be disappointed, I don't know that I'm not disappointed in myself, but I think it's important to be confident in the major decisions that I make. I love this man and I think he still loves me too. If he doesn't then I walk. I won't grovel, but I feel strangely compelled to do this.

Are you SERIOUS? A man that says "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU." I repeat. Said "I DON'T LOVE YOU BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME" a man who missed your graduation when you went out of your way to go to his. A man who FEELS NEUTRAL ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP won't tell you he loves you back? Who And then he's shocked and hurt?

HE ALREADY TOLD YOU HOW HE FEELS, why are you holding on in hopes that he'll tell YOU what YOU want to hear? Don't be acting all hurt when he acts like he wants to work things out and then has the last power to end things when HE wants. Trust me...HE should be the one asking for YOU to give HIM a chance after you gave and gave and gave. But you'll just have to let time show you that.

 

[LHLover]

Kamillah,
I noticed in an another thread where you said you were a Muslim. I'm just wondering if you've prayed salaatul istakharah (decision prayer) about your decision. If you haven't I strongly suggest you do. This will bring you much comfort in whatever you decide.

To make the prayer you pray two regular units (raka's) of salaah, like you would fajr and then in the end you say the following dua.

"0 Allah, I ask of You the good through Your knowledge and I ask You to grant me ability through Your power and beg Your favour of infinite bounty, for surely, You have power and I have none, You know all and I know nothing and You are the Knower of all that is hidden. 0 Allah if in Your knowledge, this matter be good for my faith (Din), my livelihood and the consequences of my affairs in the world and the Hereafter, then ordain it for me and facilitate it from me and grant me blessing in it. But, f in Your knowledge this matter is bad for my faith, my livelihood and the consequences of my affairs in the world and the Hereafter, then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and ordain for me the good wherever it be, and cause me to be pleased with it."

more on how it actually works:

http://www.central-mosque.com/Dua/isthk_dua.htm


I hope this helps and I pray that you come to a decision that's best for you.

ETA: http://ibn1brahim.wordpress.com/2008/02/28/dua-al-istikharah/ -- a video lecture on the topic

 

[Irresistible]

Thanks ladies! The "flashback moments" are what I am least prepared for. Friday Unchained Melody (you know the song from Ghost) came on the radio in the car and I almost had to pull over I was boohoo crying so hard. That was the song we danced to right after he proposed. When I was leaving the post office, I started crying. But yesterday I was okay. I took myself on a date and had a decent time. But nighttime is so hard. I go through scenario after scenario of how we could work it out. Or what he may do to surprise me and turn it all around. Sigh...the truth is I still don't want to let it go. But I know he will choose HIM everytime. He won't swallow his pride to come after me. If he did, I would take him. If he were willing to apologize and admit his own shortcomings, God knows I would take him in a heartbeat. But he won't. I'm ranting. Sorry.

Thank you ladies for your support! (((hugs)))

umm sweetie, I think you should prepare yourself for his return-they always come back

and truth be told if you were hanging on to nothing, sometimes they just want to see that you had the strength to let go, its like they cant love you until you stand your ground put them in their place and love yourself first

so yeah take this time to fall in love with YOU, no false hopes, cause the truth his he might just come back for the challenge, guard your heart

one day you will be sooooo thankful for this pain and what it builds in you!

I know you dont see it now but you will

 

[Irresistible]

Are you SERIOUS? A man that says "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU." I repeat. Said "I DON'T LOVE YOU BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME" a man who missed your graduation when you went out of your way to go to his. A man who FEELS NEUTRAL ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP won't tell you he loves you back? Who And then he's shocked and hurt?

HE ALREADY TOLD YOU HOW HE FEELS, why are you holding on in hopes that he'll tell YOU what YOU want to hear? Don't be acting all hurt when he acts like he wants to work things out and then has the last power to end things when HE wants. Trust me...HE should be the one asking for YOU to give HIM a chance after you gave and gave and gave. But you'll just have to let time show you that.

yeah time is the best teacher

but you know the pain , the cycle, wanting what you believed justified, grasping for straws , not wanting to let go, him hurting you, you going to him to get fixed, not that you cant face he didnt love you, but you cant answer why, so you keep searching until you can answer for yourself because he rarely ever will

9 times out 10 its never about LOVE its about control, we have to MAKE it about love

the only love there is , is the love we make

she is just on her long journey like so many of us to love ourselves

Sadly, some never will, pain is pain, and it takes time to heal

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

I am happy that you decided to value yourself over a man.
When things are right you know it and you don't have to beg for commitment or attention.
Take good care of your self and what is for you will come to you.

 

[Irresistible]

I was saying that I won't grovel at him. He had that cojones to ask for my hand to my face so the least we can do is end it in the same way. I feel very ambiguous about it all and don't know what I should do so I'm trying to make sure that whatever I do isn't regrettable. Going back may cost me a little pride but atleast I can walk away more confidently if it comes to that.

I just want to say I respect your need for answers and closure or not being ready to let go

someone said sometimes closure is something you have to give yourself, sometimes that ends up being true-but mostly after you have done all you can-'for you'-and come face to face with the truth, your truth

 

[UmSumayyah]

You will be SOOOOOOOOOOO glad you did not married this man.

I know someone that ignored the warning signs, and a wedding a two kids later...

 

[song_of_serenity]

You will be SOOOOOOOOOOO glad you did not married this man.

I know someone that ignored the warning signs, and a wedding a two kids later...

Amen. I was going to be that woman, but thank GOD for praying people that our wedding didn't go through.
You'll be ok, Kamilah.
~*Janelle~*

 

[Kamilah]

I went and got the closure I needed. I think it was necessary, even though I keep breaking out in tears and feeling the need to make it my fault for various reasons. We spoke. He had no reason for pulling away except that he just didn't love me anymore, so I was right to break it off with him. This has been the most hurtful experience of my life, but I learned alot. My love for him was very innocent, too innocent. I didn't know the warning signs to heed them and was too busy being caught up in the relationship to acknowledge our concerns sooner. But now I know better.

My heart is breaking over and over again. I haven't been able to eat a whole meal in days. I can't stop crying and the pain and sadness is overwhelming. It hurts the most to know that he can delete my number, photos and trash my letters and I'm out of his life. Just like that, as if our relationship never happened. A part of me feels guilty for forgetting for a few minutes, like I feel this bizarre burden to carry the torch of our relationship in my heart. But I am completely out of sight, out of mind for him.

He was my first real love, and the first one to do everything as I wanted. He courted me the way I felt I should be courted, loved me the way I dreamed of being loved, and touched me with nothing short of reverence-even when simply holding my hand. Now, I am terrified that I may never be able to love so freely and innocently again. In matters of the heart I fear he has completely robbed me of my innocence.

There was no positive outcome for my situation, but I am glad to have the closure I needed. Otherwise, my mind would have never stopped racing with possibilities and unanswered questions.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

 

[The Princess]

Dang reading your post update got me teary eyes. I will prayer for you, for I know it hurts and its like you went up there for closure and going back through the process all over again. You will love again and you will find someone that will do all the things he did and more and you want to know what else, that person will not leave you. Its all a learning process, and hopefully you learned something from this, you gave your all and did all that you could do to save this relationship. Remember you can't force him to be with you, but know he will remember you, for whatever reason he stop having feelingsfor you be thankful that it showed now. You might not believe this, but you will love again, you will laugh again and you will find yourself again. You will date again and you will walk down that aisle. Its easy to say take it day by day, cause the days seem so long. Cry, cry and cry until you can't cry anymore. Believe me that what makes us feel better, but note its not your fault yourself, cause you were woman enough to give your all and that what makes you special. I know your pain, maybe not to your degree. But babygirl you will make it through this. Im here with you.....

 

[SpiritJunkie]

first off kudos to you for sharing your feelings so openly and being so honest with yourself and with us. Doing it for you was the most important step tht you took. You're a brave and a courageous woman. not alot people would have done what you did. it's more important to be married than to follow your gut feeling to some.

God bless you girl! time will heal all your wounds. take it one day@ a time.

 

[Sugar Brown]

i'm so happy for you that you figured this out for yourself sooner rather than later. i hope you get the best of what you want. don't ever settle for less.

 

[song_of_serenity]

I went and got the closure I needed. I think it was necessary, even though I keep breaking out in tears and feeling the need to make it my fault for various reasons. We spoke. He had no reason for pulling away except that he just didn't love me anymore, so I was right to break it off with him. This has been the most hurtful experience of my life, but I learned alot. My love for him was very innocent, too innocent. I didn't know the warning signs to heed them and was too busy being caught up in the relationship to acknowledge our concerns sooner. But now I know better.

My heart is breaking over and over again. I haven't been able to eat a whole meal in days. I can't stop crying and the pain and sadness is overwhelming. It hurts the most to know that he can delete my number, photos and trash my letters and I'm out of his life. Just like that, as if our relationship never happened. A part of me feels guilty for forgetting for a few minutes, like I feel this bizarre burden to carry the torch of our relationship in my heart. But I am completely out of sight, out of mind for him.

He was my first real love, and the first one to do everything as I wanted. He courted me the way I felt I should be courted, loved me the way I dreamed of being loved, and touched me with nothing short of reverence-even when simply holding my hand. Now, I am terrified that I may never be able to love so freely and innocently again. In matters of the heart I fear he has completely robbed me of my innocence.

There was no positive outcome for my situation, but I am glad to have the closure I needed. Otherwise, my mind would have never stopped racing with possibilities and unanswered questions.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Ah, you made me cry. I wish I could give you a hug. Really. I KNOW how you feel. I DO. Trust me, I do. And you know what? It gets better. The nightmares will come. The crying will come. The hole in your heart and hollow feeling will come. But a day of suffering grows into a week. A week grows into two.

My bastard ex called me yesterday. After a month since it was over, since we didn't speak. And for what? I don't know. The wounds kind of opened a bit...but you know what? I'm ok. You don't see that sun shining from the clouds right now. And yeah, you're getting rained on. But the sun is there. Day by day, you'll see it peek out. The warmth will come.

I have letters to destroy. I have a lock of his hair he gave me before he left to go back home. I have voice mails of "I'm coming back for you." I have an engagement ring sitting on my computer desk. I have a video he made me saying his heart will always be with me and all he is and will be is mine. I have pictures, I have memories. Questions. Why? Why? But I know it ended for a reason. It will get better. I'm going through now. As someone who's FRESH with this, I can say it will get better. Not "Oh, I went through it 5 years ago and I *think* I remember how it feels. Going through it *NOW* And I'm feeling better. I can smile. Sure, the tears still come. But the time between the thoughts grows more and more apart than it was yesterday.

Hang in there. *HUGS* You are NOT alone in this.
~*Janelle~

 

[lexi84]

Kamilah i have soooo been there. I was really concerned about you, so I kept coming back to this thread waiting on your update.

It may not feel like it right now, but you are such a STRONG lady and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. It would be so much easier to just stay with him instead of going through the pain of breaking up.

Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but believe me, you will get over this, you will be an even stronger woman after this, you will date again and you will love again....and someone greater than him will come along and love you better than he ever did. Of this I am certain.

I felt the same way you did (afraid that no one was capable of loving me better than my ex) I was very wrong! In fact, I too couldnt eat for days (My best friend ended up force feeding me one day...it was that serious). Now I look back and think about the loser and laugh. I cant for life of me figure out why I was so into him.

You'll be okay, and I'm not just saying it.

 

[hopeful]

You are in my prayers. And don't worry you will find love again. ((((hugs))))

 

[bimbabe]

Kamilah!
You did the right thing.
Time is what you need now. Timeand reflection...focus on yourself. In a few months you will be wondering why you were even crying over him.

((HUGS))

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I went and got the closure I needed. I think it was necessary, even though I keep breaking out in tears and feeling the need to make it my fault for various reasons. We spoke. He had no reason for pulling away except that he just didn't love me anymore, so I was right to break it off with him. This has been the most hurtful experience of my life, but I learned alot. My love for him was very innocent, too innocent. I didn't know the warning signs to heed them and was too busy being caught up in the relationship to acknowledge our concerns sooner. But now I know better.

My heart is breaking over and over again. I haven't been able to eat a whole meal in days. I can't stop crying and the pain and sadness is overwhelming. It hurts the most to know that he can delete my number, photos and trash my letters and I'm out of his life. Just like that, as if our relationship never happened. A part of me feels guilty for forgetting for a few minutes, like I feel this bizarre burden to carry the torch of our relationship in my heart. But I am completely out of sight, out of mind for him.

He was my first real love, and the first one to do everything as I wanted. He courted me the way I felt I should be courted, loved me the way I dreamed of being loved, and touched me with nothing short of reverence-even when simply holding my hand. Now, I am terrified that I may never be able to love so freely and innocently again. In matters of the heart I fear he has completely robbed me of my innocence.

There was no positive outcome for my situation, but I am glad to have the closure I needed. Otherwise, my mind would have never stopped racing with possibilities and unanswered questions.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

On the contrary..I think you will find love again and you'll accept it.You have the closure you needed and secondly YOU ended it. It hurts a hell of a lot more when you know something is no longer there but you ignore it until he decides not to anymore and breaks it off with you. If you meet someone else and it doesnt work out I promise you it really wont hurt as bad as this one. With each successive person you know the warning signs of something that is not working out before it even reaches a point of deep emotions, so the pain is less and less as time goes on. But with a first love it is extremely difficult to let go because of the emotional attachment and comfort that you had with that person. It will def get better