bf chose porn over me!!

[firecracker]

Oh by the way I wouldn't give a diddly if a man watched porn unless it was sneaky and obsessive. I'd be glad he ain't bothering my ***! LOL

 

[weaveologist]

Exactly. If this is something she cannot accept then she shouldn't, period. Q

But if you know what you don't like why get with someone who does the exact same thing and thing get mad when they do it?? That's like not liking smokers, getting with a man who smokes, and then demanding that he quits. Find a non-smoker!

 

[weaveologist]

If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it- period. That's it.

I'm not understanding why people are feeling compelled to tell her she should just accept it when she's made it very clear that she's uncomfortable with it.

Yet another example of a woman being told to settle for the sake of keeping a man.

But he should settle to keep her?

 

[MzLady78]

Oh by the way I wouldn't give a diddly if a man watched porn unless it was sneaky and obsessive. I'd be glad he ain't bothering my ***! LOL

I don't care either, hell, I watch it myself.

But I can respect the fact that others find it degrading or whatever, and therefore shouldn't have to just "deal with it".

 

[mnemosyne]

I read the whole thread and good thing I saw this last one. Whoee! He's waiting for you? That lifted him a bit back up after that terrible lie (not entirely though). I dont think your demands are quite fair since it seems like you're trying to change him. Is the porn & video gaming a deal breaker for you because I dont see him stopping unless he gets hypnosis. It's not unreasonable for you to not like the porn-viewing; many women have posted the same complaints you have on various messageboards. *Hugs* no matter what you decide.

Right, if I recall he said something about the you not liking his gaming either so it seems as if you've cordoned him off from doing the things he enjoys one by one. Find someone who you don't have to change because they're just not into porn, gaming or having sex before marriage.

 

[MzLady78]

But he should settle to keep her?

Absolutely not.

IMO, they need to go their seperate ways and find someone who accepts them the way they are.

 

[MrsQueeny]

But if you know what you don't like why get with someone who does the exact same thing and thing get mad when they do it?? That's like not liking smokers, getting with a man who smokes, and then demanding that he quits. Find a non-smoker!

i didnt kno he liked porn like that. im very conservative so we didn't talk about sexual stuff that much b4 we became official. it was something we slowly worked up to. but yea if i had suspected that he was this much into it then i would never had gotten into a relationship w. him

I quoted the OP so you could see that she didn't know in the beginning. It is one thing if she knew from jump but she didn't. Plus he did say he would stop and he didn't so he is a liar too. He should either stop watching it and be with her, or lose her plain and simple. Q

 

[lexi08]

If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it- period. That's it.

I'm not understanding why people are feeling compelled to tell her she should just accept it when she's made it very clear that she's uncomfortable with it.

Yet another example of a woman being told to settle for the sake of keeping a man.

THank you!!!!

 

[weaveologist]

I quoted the OP so you could see that she didn't know in the beginning. It is one thing if she knew from jump but she didn't. Plus he did say he would stop and he didn't so he is a liar too. He should either stop watching it and be with her, or lose her plain and simple. Q

Okay that's understandable. But the OP posted for a reason and that was obviously to vent and/or to seek advice. Obviously she is wondering if she over reacted. Everyone has a right to disagree. She asked him to stop. He didn't. Yes he lied....But c'mon on now, she is asking him to stop EVERYTHING he enjoys. Damn I would lie too. She has a choice to take ATLEAST some of his flaws or leave. He also has the same choice. She wants no sex, he obliged. No videos and porn, he's made an attempt to oblige. Can the man get a cookie for trying?? Sometimes women can be TOO hard on men.....He accepted her for who she is; not wanting to have sex before marriage. Can he get accepted for who he is? Let the man be who is he or move on. That's only fair.

 

[mshoney2u]

Wow, so many issues here...

-Did you both agree to wait until marriage, or did he agree to wait for you? There's sort of a difference. If it's the former, then you are both doing the total physical, mental, emotional abstinence thing, so him going to town w/porn is a violation of the principle (especially if neither one of you are self-loving). If it's the later, then he's more like men in previous generations who were "waiting" for a woman--they found porn, or nudie bars, or hookers, or "loose women" to occupy their time until their "bride" was ready to take the plunge--still not right, but to be honest, this is how I've seen this sort of situation addressed more often than not.

-Porn--I don't think you ever stop liking porn if you like it (even if you don't watch it anymore). It's totally reasonable to want a man who doesn't want to watch porn. But your man does, and he'll probably continue to do so. His rationale--see my above point. It doesn't make him right, especially if he agreed to be abstinent (which again, is different in my mind from "waiting" for you).

-He did lie, that fact seems undeniable. Now, from my experience, most folks lie at some point during a relationship. The question becomes--what did he lie about, and what are the ramifications for your relationship? What's your tolerance level?

-His excuse is a smoke screen to divert you from the lie and to provide a justification. Again, if it's pretty intolerable to you for your man to play video games all day or to watch porn, then you should evaluate your situation and make plans accordingly. You shouldn't expect him to change--if he stays exactly like he is today, how would you feel about him?

Just for the record, I have no issue with my SO doing either (I also have a pretty high tolerance for male BS), but I don't expect everyone to roll like I roll. If it doesn't work for you, that's the important thing.

Not discrediting anyone else but you gave some real sound advice. I think a lot of mature women and men would agree with young and old school. OP- I hope everything works out for you.

 

[MrsQueeny]

Okay that's understandable. But the OP posted for a reason and that was obviously to vent and/or to seek advice. Obviously she is wondering if she over reacted. Everyone has a right to disagree. She asked him to stop. He didn't. Yes he lied....But c'mon on now, she is asking him to stop EVERYTHING he enjoys. Damn I would lie too. She has a choice to take ATLEAST some of his flaws or leave. He also has the same choice. She wants no sex, he obliged. No videos and porn, he's made an attempt to oblige. Can the man get a cookie for trying?? Sometimes women can be TOO hard on men.....He accepted her for who she is; not wanting to have sex before marriage. Can he get accepted for who he is? Let the man be who is he or move on. That's only fair.

That we def agree on. Q

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I've been there on both sides of the coin.

I don't have a porn, but when I noticed I DID have a problem with it, it was when I was feeling bad about myself. Our sex life was suffering because I wasn't enjoying myself, and I was stone faced and not into it at all. I mean, he's pumping and I'm mean mugging... like "Nah I'm good".

He started watching porn and RateMyBooty and all types of ish... and then would come to me turned on. I am okay with porn as long as you don't need it to come at me, and as long as you don't act like it's a big secret.

He promised to stop but didn't... and I would blow up when I would want it... and he would brush me off to play with porn... largely because he expressed a LARGE DISAPPROVAL of me doing the same. I stopped to help him out.

Long story short, if the porn is there before you, it will be there. There are times I prefer to look at porn over having the real thing because of the work involved (ie we're tired, etc.). But I had to be honest with myself.

There are two type of porn: SOFTCORE : sexy models, naked women, naked parts, and girl on girl or girl with toys... and HARDCORE: the actual acts, "ending shots" and hardcore sexual acts, including extremist and gross activities. It appears that you are:

1) Generally disapproving of his porn collection and the fact that he lied when he said he would delete the porn. Uh, my man did that too. Mostly he was just trying to keep you happy, but the call of the wild is nothing to play with.

2) His lying doesn't help, but if he told you he intended to keep using it because of whatever reason, you two would still be fighting up until this point in time.

3) The softcore bothers you more because it feels like he's personally entranced by the vixen he sees in the pictures. Her anatomy, her poses, her breasts, her lotus flower... I can understand your pain in that as well. We don't want to imagine or know our man thinks and gets off to women strictly off their looks, but it happens. I personally can use a male's image just as equally... but to me I know it's not a big deal.

I would address the honesty issue, but trust me, at this point YOU don't want the porn and you aren't willing to compromise. My partner and I came to an agreement to just enjoy porn as needed... but NOT TO PUT the PORN before each other intimately. The core of our issues were what had more importance. Before moving in we were able to watch and swap porn together, but he had expectations that I wouldn't turn to the same devices before I came to him... I didnt and after his complaints... I stopped only to find that he did it... BUT he did it because I wasn't enjoying myself.... I felt horrible about my looks and my body and I felt like I didn't deserve enjoyment with another person. THE RESULT of that created the issues we faced.

I think you need to try and compromise. You don't want it, but is there something you can find in all these women that you might be interested in bringing to real life? Do they talk on the mic and you don't? Do they wear certain types of outfits you find demeaning or don't have an interest in wearing?

Take some time to look at the patterns or correlations that he's looking at. But sometimes, it's just a quick release. I have an extremely high libido and while other men haven't been able to deal with it, my SO understands and respects it... BUT not if it looks like I prefer the alternative.

TRUTH BE TOLD the majority of men DO NOT care for porn more than the actual thing. And WHEN they do then it signals something within the relationship... that needs to be addressed.

I hope you find a way to compromise with this.

I actually wrote an article on porn and relationships... so I have a bit of knowledge about this.... including experiences.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

HOLD UP!!! *Fainting* So you're not having sex with him until you guys get married. He can't watch porn AND he can't play video games....All I hear is you telling him what he can't do and TAKING THINGS FROM HIM. I do think you're being extremely unfair. If the man loves you enough to not have sex because YOU want don't to is he not allowed other outlets?? He can't get off. He can't play his video games. I would be stressed the hell out to being with you! He probably has all kinds of stress and what not built up....... I say you have a keeper because most men would have showed you the door the first time you tried to be his mother by telling him what he can and can not do.

I agree. He's doing his best for you. . . and I think he's bending a lot to keep you happy. I can agree that you shouldn't put up with what you won't put up with, but you either need to accept him as is or walk out the door... and into someone else's arms.

 

[Bint Yusef]

But if you know what you don't like why get with someone who does the exact same thing and thing get mad when they do it?? That's like not liking smokers, getting with a man who smokes, and then demanding that he quits. Find a non-smoker!

They are just incompatible and need to move on.....she doesnt have to change what she likes and he doesnt have to give it up. I dont know why folks force relationships, just find someone that you are compatible with and keep it moving.

 

[runwaydream]

Is this the same SO that was lying about his accomplishments?

If I confused you with someone else I am sorry. And if it is the same guy, I am not trying to turn that up in your face, I was just wondering..

yes it is. when he explained it and i re-read the message i saw that i prob exaggerated by a lot. i didn't mean to though . it seemed that bad at the time

 

[runwaydream]

Wow, so many issues here...

-Did you both agree to wait until marriage, or did he agree to wait for you? There's sort of a difference. If it's the former, then you are both doing the total physical, mental, emotional abstinence thing, so him going to town w/porn is a violation of the principle (especially if neither one of you are self-loving). If it's the later, then he's more like men in previous generations who were "waiting" for a woman--they found porn, or nudie bars, or hookers, or "loose women" to occupy their time until their "bride" was ready to take the plunge--still not right, but to be honest, this is how I've seen this sort of situation addressed more often than not.

-Porn--I don't think you ever stop liking porn if you like it (even if you don't watch it anymore). It's totally reasonable to want a man who doesn't want to watch porn. But your man does, and he'll probably continue to do so. His rationale--see my above point. It doesn't make him right, especially if he agreed to be abstinent (which again, is different in my mind from "waiting" for you).

-He did lie, that fact seems undeniable. Now, from my experience, most folks lie at some point during a relationship. The question becomes--what did he lie about, and what are the ramifications for your relationship? What's your tolerance level?

-His excuse is a smoke screen to divert you from the lie and to provide a justification. Again, if it's pretty intolerable to you for your man to play video games all day or to watch porn, then you should evaluate your situation and make plans accordingly. You shouldn't expect him to change--if he stays exactly like he is today, how would you feel about him?

Just for the record, I have no issue with my SO doing either (I also have a pretty high tolerance for male BS), but I don't expect everyone to roll like I roll. If it doesn't work for you, that's the important thing.

he agreed to wait for me.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

he agreed to wait for me.

If you cannot accept him as he is, and he's constantly dishonest, then I think those are red flags. The things you don't like about him will only get worse with time, and magnify a million times more if you marry him.

I believe that two people should accept each other as they are... and if things happen which compromise that acceptance, they should work it out between themselves, and terminate the relationship peacefully if it seems no agreement can be reached.

You are too pretty, smart and assertive to continue dealing with these trust issues. Beneath all of the porn... I sense a lot of trust issues that were never resolved. That and the fact that you have things you are not willing to deal with. The hours of video games, and now this?

You're young, getting educated.... just move on to someone at your school or chill by yourself, because at our age, this is unneccesssary. Your boundaries are being tested... among other things.

 

[MzLady78]

They are just incompatible and need to move on.....she doesnt have to change what she likes and he doesnt have to give it up. I dont know why folks force relationships, just find someone that you are compatible with and keep it moving.

I think that ultimately, this is what it comes down to.

 

[Syrah]

gggrrrrrrrrrr.... i just typed out this long response and it all got erased!! ok... let me start over.

first i want to thank you all for responding so quickly.

next i want to answer ms. nadi. me and him DID sit down and talk about it. when i found the porn for a second time AFTER he already said he wouldn't have it on his comp anymore we had a big blowout. after which we sat down and tried to talk it out. he told me the main reason why he had it.. other than him liking to see the ACT of it was b/c it was a big stress reliever for him. he said porn and video games helps him relieve stress and since i don't like when he plays video games then this is his other option and by taking both of them away i left him w. none. i saw where he was coming from and told him i would no longer bother him about the video games and let him play in peace as long as he didn't play for hrs and hrs at a time. he also hinted to me that he would like for me to pick up a few games and play w. him. now i dont care for video games at ALL but i did so anyway. i even played world of warcraft for HOURS at a time. i would watch him play his video games (he likes this for some reason) and cheer him on. all b/c he said that this would mean a lot to him and that w. me doing this he would stop caring about watching porn b/c not only does he have another way to relieve his stress... but he has me there w. him ok.. w/e. so tell me WHY after i did everything he asked and everything he said he needed to not watch this again... is he WATCHING IT AGAIN.

sorry.. i kinda went off on another mini vent. but to answer your question i have had this talk w. him. we discussed this already and i trusted when he said that since now he can freely play his video games he wouldnt have to rely on porn

OP - he can't "freely" play his video games when you're putting time limits on it. Why are you putting time limits on how your man relieves his stress? How would you feel if he told you, "you can only sit in the bath and relax for ____ minutes a day"?

...my point. Maybe what you're getting to is a problem that's bigger then porn and his computer but about how he relieves stress - how he "unwinds". And what you think of how he unwinds.

How long have you been together?

And again - you didn't answer the MAIN question - are you willing to lose your man over porn? (not rhetorical - honest question)

 

[runwaydream]

And he can't play video games either??? I'm glad you aren't my woman....

hey!!!

 

[Syrah]

They are just incompatible and need to move on.....she doesnt have to change what she likes and he doesnt have to give it up. I dont know why folks force relationships, just find someone that you are compatible with and keep it moving.

This is basically where I'm at.

OP has issues with how her man unwinds. I get the feeling that she thinks the porn is "gross" and video game play should be limited - and he sees it as a way to relieve stress...

You're at a cross road that isn't going to be solved easily. Is it worth the effort?

 

[runwaydream]

OP - he can't "freely" play his video games when you're putting time limits on it. Why are you putting time limits on how your man relieves his stress? How would you feel if he told you, "you can only sit in the bath and relax for ____ minutes a day"?

...my point. Maybe what you're getting to is a problem that's bigger then porn and his computer but about how he relieves stress - how he "unwinds". And what you think of how he unwinds.

How long have you been together?

And again - you didn't answer the MAIN question - are you willing to lose your man over porn? (not rhetorical - honest question)

i'm not trying to put time restraints on him but if i let him do what he wants he'd be playing video games all day and completely neglect me. i have to give him SOME kind of boundaries.

we've been together for about 6 months
and no im not willing to lose him over porn i love him so much... but im also not willing to be w. a man that can look me in the eyes and lie

an update: he has agreed to let me put it in a separate folder and have a password on it that only i kno and will give to him if we ever break up but in return we have to have relations more often. (im usually not in the mood and we often go w.o touching each other for a few days)

however even w. that being said and the fact that he's told me what i believe to be the complete truth (after still telling lies to cover his lies of course)

im gonna stay home for a few days and see what happens. see how i feel after more time goes by.

 

[Syrah]

i'm not trying to put time restraints on him but if i let him do what he wants he'd be playing video games all day and completely neglect me. i have to give him SOME kind of boundaries.

we've been together for about 6 months
and no im not willing to lose him over porn i love him so much... but im also not willing to be w. a man that can look me in the eyes and lie

an update: he has agreed to let me put it in a separate folder and have a password on it that only i kno and will give to him if we ever break up but in return we have to have relations more often. (im usually not in the mood and we often go w.o touching each other for a few days)

however even w. that being said and the fact that he's told me what i believe to be the complete truth (after still telling lies to cover his lies of course)

im gonna stay home for a few days and see what happens. see how i feel after more time goes by.

I dunno Runaway, I've still got red flags going up. You say that if you don't give him video game boundaries, he'll play all day. A part of me can't help but wonder "What the heck??" "He'd rather play video games all day then spend time with you?" You want to be the center of his world (nothing wrong with that) and it sounds as though he's not quite ready to realign the stars to have them revolve around you...

Regardless of whether what you want is right or wrong or whether how he unwinds is right or wrong...there's a compatibility issue that keeps coming up.

"A bird and a fish can fall in love - but where would they live"...

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

i'm not trying to put time restraints on him but if i let him do what he wants he'd be playing video games all day and completely neglect me. i have to give him SOME kind of boundaries.

we've been together for about 6 months
and no im not willing to lose him over porn i love him so much... but im also not willing to be w. a man that can look me in the eyes and lie

an update: he has agreed to let me put it in a separate folder and have a password on it that only i kno and will give to him if we ever break up but in return we have to have relations more often. (im usually not in the mood and we often go w.o touching each other for a few days)

however even w. that being said and the fact that he's told me what i believe to be the complete truth (after still telling lies to cover his lies of course)

im gonna stay home for a few days and see what happens. see how i feel after more time goes by.

I will PM u. . . on that note.

I'm glad you guys are working on a solution.

 

[FlowerHair]

i'm not trying to put time restraints on him but if i let him do what he wants he'd be playing video games all day and completely neglect me. i have to give him SOME kind of boundaries.

we've been together for about 6 months
and no im not willing to lose him over porn i love him so much... but im also not willing to be w. a man that can look me in the eyes and lie

an update: he has agreed to let me put it in a separate folder and have a password on it that only i kno and will give to him if we ever break up but in return we have to have relations more often. (im usually not in the mood and we often go w.o touching each other for a few days)

however even w. that being said and the fact that he's told me what i believe to be the complete truth (after still telling lies to cover his lies of course)

im gonna stay home for a few days and see what happens. see how i feel after more time goes by.

You have only been together for 6 months? And he's already lost interest in you and would rather play video games etc. And now you're trading his porn folder for sex more often? And he is so attached to his folder that he wants it back when you break up? As if the internet isn't exploding with the same porn, just seconds away?

I don't know... I think you're selling yourself short. The world is full of men. I think in my heart that you can do much, much better :Rose:

 

[2buttonsnow3]

If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it- period. That's it.

I'm not understanding why people are feeling compelled to tell her she should just accept it when she's made it very clear that she's uncomfortable with it.

Yet another example of a woman being told to settle for the sake of keeping a man.

I wish I could Thank You twenty times for this post you made but I can't....But ITA

 

[runwaydream]

I dunno Runaway, I've still got red flags going up. You say that if you don't give him video game boundaries, he'll play all day. A part of me can't help but wonder "What the heck??" "He'd rather play video games all day then spend time with you?" You want to be the center of his world (nothing wrong with that) and it sounds as though he's not quite ready to realign the stars to have them revolve around you...

Regardless of whether what you want is right or wrong or whether how he unwinds is right or wrong...there's a compatibility issue that keeps coming up.

"A bird and a fish can fall in love - but where would they live"...

yea.. we just might be incompatible but thats really the only issue we have. i realized this when he tried to make me name other major issues and i couldnt. the question i guess is how big of an issue is this. while im not sure if its something to break up over... the fact that he lied about something like this is. i mean if he can lie about this then wouldn't he easily lie about other things? he compared it to a movie that we watched "Cat on a Hot tin roof" where Big Daddy was dying but no one told him b/c no good could come out of it and he was happy thinking that he was gonna live. while i get what he's saying... he still LIED

ETA: when i say thats the only issue we have i mean the porn not incompatibility

 

[runwaydream]

You have only been together for 6 months? And he's already lost interest in you and would rather play video games etc. And now you're trading his porn folder for sex more often? And he is so attached to his folder that he wants it back when you break up? As if the internet isn't exploding with the same porn, just seconds away?

I don't know... I think you're selling yourself short. The world is full of men. I think in my heart that you can do much, much better :Rose:

i see what your saying but to answer the bolded, the internet connection here is terrible. it takes forever to load up a video.

 

[runwaydream]

yea.. we just might be incompatible but thats really the only issue we have. i realized this when he tried to make me name other major issues and i couldnt. the question i guess is how big of an issue is this. while im not sure if its something to break up over... the fact that he lied about something like this is. i mean if he can lie about this then wouldn't he easily lie about other things? he compared it to a movie that we watched "Cat on a Hot tin roof" where Big Daddy was dying but no one told him b/c no good could come out of it and he was happy thinking that he was gonna live. while i get what he's saying... he still LIED

deleted post

 

[runwaydream]

I've been there on both sides of the coin.

3) The softcore bothers you more because it feels like he's personally entranced by the vixen he sees in the pictures. Her anatomy, her poses, her breasts, her lotus flower... I can understand your pain in that as well. We don't want to imagine or know our man thinks and gets off to women strictly off their looks, but it happens. I personally can use a male's image just as equally... but to me I know it's not a big deal.

exactly erplexed