bf chose porn over me!!

[blkbeauty]

Runway,

First I want to say I LOVE your passion toward relationships. Your committment and feelings run deep and the right man will be very lucky to have you.

As far as the porn goes, your reaction is normal and his watching porn unfortuntately for a man, especially a 21 year old is very normal.

I don't think he chose you over anything! I think porn is some sort of “boy/man” thing like make-up is a girl/woman thing. I know its no excuse and if he is obssessive with it or compare you to it would be disrespectful.

 

[hrtbndr21]

OP you do realize there is an unlimited supply of porn on the net. Unless you plan to put up parental controls on his computer, and keep him away from his friends computers I don't know how this is going to work. I guess he's conceding to the password thing to pacify you but he could just as easily throw his stash out. It seems like you two have two very different lifestyles. You shouldn't have to police him. This is still a new relationship, you're only 6 months in. It may be time for some real revaluation of this relationship and both of your wants and expectations. It shouldn't be that hard there's someone out there that for you that will fit within your lifestyle and belief system. Seems like the whole square peg round hole thing IMHO.

 

[Syrah]

oh my and your going through this and shacking? Say it ain't sooooooooooooooooo!

Call me old fashioned - 21 is waaaaay toooooo young to be living together.

...but then for the most part, I think cohabitation is for the birds.

In general, too much too soon.

 

[topsyturvy86]

OP, i'm sorry you've had to go through this. As some ladies have said, I think porn is something a great majority of guys watch just for fun/fantasy or for whatever reason but you have absolutely no reason to be jealous about them girls because they would never even think of dating them or even sleeping with them. Most guys that I know would not touch a girl thats sleeps with lots of guys with a barge pole.

I don't like porn myself, its doesn't turn me on in the slightest. However, my ex did and you know what? I wasn't comfy with him watching it alone so I watched it with him. He absolutely LOVED the fact that I did and sometimes it was intimate 'cos he'll tell me what he likes about what's going on,what he'd like to try out, id do the same or whatever else came up. He was very happy to share that part of his world with me and it did our sex life some favours as we became more open with each other about that sort of stuff.

My take on this, perhaps try compromising on the situation, I don't think he's choosing porn over you. Relationship is sometimes about compromise. If you really can't live with your man watching porn even sometimes, then move on! You're young and beautiful and im sure u'll finjd a decent man who doesn't watch porn.

p.s. I think it was wrong for him to lie to you and that would definitely be a deal breaker for me, however, try to be a bit more understanding and as I said earlier, sometimes when something is really worth it, u have to compromize.

 

[jamaicalovely]

I with you OP, I would have a problem with my man watching porn. Trust me, he'll never stop. He'll just be more careful next time. I say dump him now, he'll just cause you more stress down the line.

 

[aja1121]

I understand your principles and morals and I get that he lied. However, porn can be somewhat of an addiction, I know from personal experience. So, when he told you that he wouldn't watch it again, it is very possible he meant it at that time. And you guys have only been together for 6 months, so if this is a major problem for you, then I would end it. If you can handle it than press on, but believe me when I tell you that it isn't something you can just stop doing.

I know this would be a problem for some women, and I know some women who would be happy they had someone to watch it with....

 

[PittGirl06]

I don't blame you, girl. I wouldn't want my man watching pornography either and for him to LIE about it is just unacceptable. I think you did the right thing. Think about if y'all had kids and he was still addicted to pornography. If you can accidently click on that mess, so can Runway, Jr.....nuh uh....I ain't mad at cha. Porn addiction ain't no joke.

 

[nikki2229]

[quote=Xavier;5531675]OP I am reading this right...In your earlier post you said that you were waiting till marriage. But then here you said that he wants relations more often, now that you have his porn on lock, which imply that you guys do have sex put only ever so often. I guess I'm confused.

As for the topic at hand. If your man likes watching porn I think it's pretty silly to think that by locking up his porn collection in a password protected folder, it will keep him from looking at it. Be honest with yourself and stop trying to change this man. You said several time in the thread the you HATE, HATE, HATE porn and now you are willing to compromise. [/quote]

I am confused too.
Runway. I hope that things work out for you. It seems that you and your b/f are going to try and work things out. It will take alot of compromise on both of your behalfs. But if it doesn't work after trying all that you can then don't settle. Plenty of women have had issues with their men over porn, internet, tv, games etc which translates to the man not spending enough time with them etc which translates to a deeper issue at hand than whats on the surface.

All things are possible. Just make sure that you're on the same page.

 

[tocktick]

true story:

a man i know was obsessed with porn. he chose porn over his wife by watching that instead of focusing on his sexual relationship with her. his wife would initiate sex and he would put her down and call her sex mad (well, aint that a b!). they are now divorced.

personally, i think porn is fine in certain quantities and if it doesn't affect the relationship negatively. when my SO continually rejects requests/opportunities to spend time with me because he wants to watch shaniqua's big black booty 5 instead, i'll be out.

anyway, it doesn't seem like your SO put you before porn, imo. i believe that your man uses porn for some sexual release. when you "banned" porn, where does he have to go for that release now? a good man wouldn't have sex with someone else yet he can't sleep with you either. it's unsurprising he turned back to porn.

old habits die hard (especially when they involve something that's sexual). he was probably watching porn long before you came along. if he doesn't perceive there to be a problem, he'd have an issue with giving this up since in his mind, the issues are in in your head. the porn issue should have been discussed from the get go.

 

[Menina Preta]

To the OP, I think you should end things with your boyfriend. I do not think your boyfriend is the 'bad guy.' It's just that there are things about him which you cannot compromise on, the porn and the video games. Do I think your position on porn and video games is extra and somewhat controlling? Hells ya, but I'm not dating you, so do what you do.

Also, no offense, but how can you be saving yourself for marriage, but yet you are living with him? That's still shacking up, IMO, and somewhat the same to me.

 

[divya]

I dont see quite where the disagreement lies. She doesn't want him to just refrain, she wants him to quit entirely. Her values are her own and I respect that, I just dont see him ending the porn whether they waited or not. I do see her trying to change him which is unfair because aside from the porn (which some like some dont) she's monitoring his hobby. I didn't say he got off for the waiting, or that she should trust him; that'll be entirely up to her. I dont think relationships work when you try to have your partner configure to you.

OK, I misunderstood your post. I agree with you that he likely is not going to end the porn, and that the video games shouldn't be monitored. Hope she does what is best...

 

[MissYocairis]

I'm not a good person to ask because I don't see a problem with porn. A) I don't see what the big deal is with porn B) For most men I feel like it's something they glance at from time to time but it isn't an obsession. C) On average, it's a fantasy. Ask the average dude who watches porn if they'd ever date a porn star and the answer is no. If that's what he wanted - some girl who would do anything and everything for sexual attention - he'd be with that and he wouldn't be with you. You need to remember this.

That being said - he didn't choose porn over you. But you're pushing him into a situation where he's going to be forced to make a choice. You telling him "I don't like this - don't do it anymore" and he saying "ok" doesn't necessarily solve your problem. It's a bandaid over a cut that needs some stitches. If porn is an issue for you and it's that big of an issue, where its got you stressed out - you need to explain to him what you don't like about it, and why you see it as a problem (and no "it's nasty" is not an adequate explanation).

You titled the thread "bf chose porn over me!". You need to ask yourself if you're really ready to lose your man over porn...?

And the answer will tell you how to approach the situation.

EXCELLENT!

We got into it over this very thing about a year or so ago (here on LHCF).

 

[BillsBackerz67]

true story:

a man i know was obsessed with porn. he chose porn over his wife by watching that instead of focusing on his sexual relationship with her. his wife would initiate sex and he would put her down and call her sex mad (well, aint that a b!). they are now divorced.

personally, i think porn is fine in certain quantities and if it doesn't affect the relationship negatively. when my SO continually rejects requests/opportunities to spend time with me because he wants to watch shaniqua's big black booty 5 instead, i'll be out.

anyway, it doesn't seem like your SO put you before porn, imo. i believe that your man uses porn for some sexual release. when you "banned" porn, where does he have to go for that release now? a good man wouldn't have sex with someone else yet he can't sleep with you either. it's unsurprising he turned back to porn.

old habits die hard (especially when they involve something that's sexual). he was probably watching porn long before you came along. if he doesn't perceive there to be a problem, he'd have an issue with giving this up since in his mind, the issues are in in your head. the porn issue should have been discussed from the get go.

ITA esp when you are cohabitating and not having sex...that creates so much sexual tension it's not even funny.

 

[firecracker]

EXCELLENT!

We got into it over this very thing about a year or so ago (here on LHCF).

Oh I think I remember somebodies dh being addicted to porn and the sneaking etc. I'm sure that man is still up to it because its a hard habit to break unless you want to stop on your own. Its kinda like trying to stop drinking and cheating. Its really hardwork for many and you have to do it for yourself.

 

[Shonni]

Wow, I read all 13-14 pages. Very good read and good responses. I must first say to the OP that you are right to stick to your standards, however I am confused. You say you are making him wait and then in exchange for him to stop looking at porn you have relations more often? That tells me that you are either ....


#1 Have relations when ever YOU feel like it.


If #1 is this case, you are so wrong on so many levels. You give him some pupu when you feel like it and then complain about him relieving his distress on video games and wacking off to porn. Hell his balls are probably blue as hell. If you aren't willing to please your man there will be another woman or porn who will. You are right for sticking to your standards, however if this (above) is the case. That's just torture and seems you are trying to train him.



#2 Just decided to finally give it up so he won't look at porn anymore.

And if #2 is the case then why are you giving up something so sacred so he can stop watching porn? That's just wild and I don't understand why you would subject him or yourself to such stress in a relationship that is only 6 months old. You have got to be kidding me.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

yall keep having problems huh?....

i dunno.. in your situation, given the way that you feel and the past issues (porn and others), i'd be taking a long hard look at your relationship and figuring out if it's one to save or one to chuck....

 

[Menina Preta]

ITA esp when you are cohabitating and not having sex...that creates so much sexual tension it's not even funny.

For real...OP is being highly unrealistic about what she wants from another person (not even just a man). As a woman, I would not be able to live with my boyfriend, who I was physically attracted to, and not want to be physically intimate with him in some shape or form. And if he was 'saving' himself, he better let me get my release in some way...

To the OP, can your boyfriend even masturbate? Or do you consider that off limits as well? Don't have to answer if that's too intimate a question.

 

[MissYocairis]

Oh I think I remember somebodies dh being addicted to porn and the sneaking etc. I'm sure that man is still up to it because its a hard habit to break unless you want to stop on your own. Its kinda like trying to stop drinking and cheating. Its really hardwork for many and you have to do it for yourself.

Exactly. He's a porn watcher. I doubt that's going to change. Either join the party or find a different man who isn't as "internet savy" j/k...I'm sorry...It's not funny. I dunno what to say. I don't believe in ragging people to death with ultimatums and threats. It encourages the behavior, IMO. They become SNEAKY as a result.

 

[MissYocairis]

Wow, I read all 13-14 pages. Very good read and good responses. I must first say to the OP that you are right to stick to your standards, however I am confused. You say you are making him wait and then in exchange for him to stop looking at porn you have relations more often? That tells me that you are either ....


#1 Have relations when ever YOU feel like it.


If #1 is this case, you are so wrong on so many levels. You give him some pupu when you feel like it and then complain about him relieving his distress on video games and wacking off to porn. Hell his balls are probably blue as hell. If you aren't willing to please your man there will be another woman or porn who will. You are right for sticking to your standards, however if this (above) is the case. That's just torture and seems you are trying to train him.



#2 Just decided to finally give it up so he won't look at porn anymore.

And if #2 is the case then why are you giving up something so sacred so he can stop watching porn? That's just wild and I don't understand why you would subject him or yourself to such stress in a relationship that is only 6 months old. You have got to be kidding me.

Great points. I forgot it's a new relationship. OP: you and he are too new to be living together, girl! Can you move? Or can he move? Have you considered that?