bf chose porn over me!!

[runwaydream]

To be perfectly honest, i think you are over reacting.

If he was watching porn all the time, and neglecting your needs, or if the porn is having a side effect in your relationship, ie, he's needs porn to *function* i'd understand...but it seems to me like he was fine with you till you saw pics on his computer, In other words, his behaviour to you hadn't changed regardless of him watching porn behind your back.

Firstly, porn aint another woman, he wouldnt suddenly fall in love with a porn film and want to end your relationship...No matter how many pics of a (fantasy) porn star he has, he has only one woman, you, in his home.


Secondly,From what i know, most men like to watch porn once in a while. Its just porn. Its a bit harsh to expect him to go from porn lover to NEVER seeing porn again. Most men i know (if they love you) would do exactly what he's done in that situation ie promise they wont do it again then try and be more crafty, which is more dangerous IMO

As for him lying to you, i dont think its a good idea to force anyone not to do something they like to do.
This is the reason why he is lying to you.

If you really love him and want him to stop it, i suggest you drop the ultimatums, (he will keep doing it behind ur back if you keep that up, hun), try and stop being judgemental and find out just how into porn he is, then work on reducing it.

If you're not prepared to work on your relationship, (and bear in mind that all relationships are hard work) he is probably right.... you dont love him very much. You should leave him and get someone else.
JMHO

i guess you're kind of right in some regards

 

[itismehmmkay]

i'm not trying to put time restraints on him but if i let him do what he wants he'd be playing video games all day and completely neglect me. i have to give him SOME kind of boundaries.

we've been together for about 6 months
and no im not willing to lose him over porn i love him so much... but im also not willing to be w. a man that can look me in the eyes and lie

an update: he has agreed to let me put it in a separate folder and have a password on it that only i kno and will give to him if we ever break up but in return we have to have relations more often. (im usually not in the mood and we often go w.o touching each other for a few days)

however even w. that being said and the fact that he's told me what i believe to be the complete truth (after still telling lies to cover his lies of course)

im gonna stay home for a few days and see what happens. see how i feel after more time goes by.

Yeah, give that some more time. He's just going to create another folder

And your right, boundaries are very good. Sometimes the more the better. Thing is, he's already stepped over some that you've placed. I know you love him, but sometimes you'll have to walk away from someone you love.

But anyway, yeah sleep/think/breathe on your decision.

 

[Mortons]

If he is obsessed with video games or porn I'm not sure where there is time for you. Do you really see yourself building a life with someone who, for now, sounds quite immature?

 

[foxxymami]

Does the password bring you a bit more comfort and make you feel better about this whole situation?

 

[runwaydream]

If he is obsessed with video games or porn I'm not sure where there is time for you. Do you really see yourself building a life with someone who, for now, sounds quite immature?

while i see what you're saying i wouldnt quite call him obsessed. i didnt know when he was watching porn or that he even had some saved on his pc. and he plays video games alot but has calmed down considerably now that i live w. him.

 

[runwaydream]

Does the password bring you a bit more comfort and make you feel better about this whole situation?

him not watching it makes me feel better yes. it also shows that he's willing to bend and give up his precious collection to me.

 

[treybaby2005]

Wow my friends husband does this and she despises it but now shes stuck with a baby and marriage. This didnt surface until later in the marriage. She has tried to leave him many times for abuse.

Well I would leave for the abuse in that situation.As far as porn watching,I don't see a problem with it.It doesn't bother me because I like to watch porn myself.
I would have been upset with the fact that he lied about it.He should have been upfront and you could have made your decision the first time.

 

[Bint Yusef]

This is basically where I'm at.

OP has issues with how her man unwinds. I get the feeling that she thinks the porn is "gross" and video game play should be limited - and he sees it as a way to relieve stress...

You're at a cross road that isn't going to be solved easily. Is it worth the effort?

Pretty much. OP should also realize why its perfectly fine to have your standards....please be aware of how they may limit your options in the process. He cant play videos, he cant watch porn.....youve eliminated like over half of the male population already. Keep your standards but realize how they may impact later on.....

 

[lovenharmony]

I may be one of the more open ladies in this thread since I love porn, but I can understand your situation. If you don't like it and your man does, you don't have to tolerate it. Porn is a major issue for many women that many men find difficult to give up entirely, especially since most of them have been watching it while they were young.

 

[Syrah]

Pretty much. OP should also realize why its perfectly fine to have your standards....please be aware of how they may limit your options in the process. He cant play videos, he cant watch porn.....youve eliminated like over half of the male population already. Keep your standards but realize how they may impact later on.....

Quotable.

Folks are acting like people are advocating that she "ignore" her discomfort with porn. I'm not advocating that at all.

What I am saying is that simply to tell someone "don't do this because I don't like it" while limiting their other outlets used for the same purpose pushes people into a corner. Consider the impacts. And be mindful that people may want to APPEASE the discussion rather than change their behavior.

Did dude set out to lie? No. He set out to dead the conversation. "I'ma tell her what she wants to hear so we can move on...". Clearly he disagrees with OP. He likes his porn, he doesn't see a problem with it. So rather than give it up, he's choosing to HIDE it from her. Which is not the result OP wanted. She wanted a change in behavior and what she got was wordplay...

 

[runwaydream]

Quotable.

Folks are acting like people are advocating that she "ignore" her discomfort with porn. I'm not advocating that at all.

What I am saying is that simply to tell someone "don't do this because I don't like it" while limiting their other outlets used for the same purpose pushes people into a corner. Consider the impacts. And be mindful that people may want to APPEASE the discussion rather than change their behavior.

Did dude set out to lie? No. He set out to dead the conversation. "I'ma tell her what she wants to hear so we can move on...". Clearly he disagrees with OP. He likes his porn, he doesn't see a problem with it. So rather than give it up, he's choosing to HIDE it from her. Which is not the result OP wanted. She wanted a change in behavior and what she got was wordplay...

you're right.. i know this now thanks to you and folx who posted in this thread and especially thelauryndoll.
when we talked about it he expressed the same sentiment to me. but if it weren't for you guys i wouldn't have understood. i guess my disgust and anger overshadowed reason.
even tho i still find it repulsive and don't like it, if me and him do decide to continue on w. this then i guess i'll try my best on finding a middle ground.

 

[Syrah]

you're right.. i know this now thanks to you and folx who posted in this thread and especially thelauryndoll.
when we talked about it he expressed the same sentiment to me. but if it weren't for you guys i wouldn't have understood. i guess my disgust and anger overshadowed reason.
even tho i still find it repulsive and don't like it, if me and him do decide to continue on w. this then i guess i'll try my best on finding a middle ground.

Maybe you 2 could work on ways to unwind together. But don't be hurt or surprised when he mentions that part of the thing he needs escaping from is you. Folks need to unwind from ALL influences, girlfriends included. It isn't because you're not perfect, amazing, "the wind beneath his wings" but just because girlfriends like the rest of the external world come with expectations...

...and that's exactly what unwinding seeks to eliminate.

 

[Ladyhenri]

you're right.. i know this now thanks to you and folx who posted in this thread and especially thelauryndoll.
when we talked about it he expressed the same sentiment to me. but if it weren't for you guys i wouldn't have understood. i guess my disgust and anger overshadowed reason.
even tho i still find it repulsive and don't like it, if me and him do decide to continue on w. this then i guess i'll try my best on finding a middle ground.

Well done girl...

With time you'll find that most relationships are about what you've just done, ie compromise. There would be no marriage or long relationship in this world without compromises. We'd all just end it when something serious come up.

He sounds like a lovely person to wait for you till marriage, I wish you the best in your relationship.

 

[Cinda2503]

He obviously likes to watch porn so if you don't and it's a big problem for you then break-up with him. You can't change him just like he can't change you.

Don't waste your time trying to change someone.

 

[NYAmicas]

I see what you are trying to say, but I have to respectfully disagree. Many of these men want the girl who has good values and respects herself, yet will not be the same for her. It's not just that he's waiting for her, but she is waiting for him too. She's showing that she values not only herself, but him and the relationship. Yet he is failing to do the same. If he agreed to wait - which includes refraining from pornography - then he should do just that. It's completely fair because that is exactly what he agreed to, and because he wants her as a life companion. However, if he can't keep his word now, then that is likely indicative of what it to come. Hopefully she has learned from this, and I'm very glad that she has not become intimate with him. Only the man who is faithful and waits is deserving of her.

I dont see quite where the disagreement lies. She doesn't want him to just refrain, she wants him to quit entirely. Her values are her own and I respect that, I just dont see him ending the porn whether they waited or not. I do see her trying to change him which is unfair because aside from the porn (which some like some dont) she's monitoring his hobby. I didn't say he got off for the waiting, or that she should trust him; that'll be entirely up to her. I dont think relationships work when you try to have your partner configure to you.

 

[Cinda2503]

You have only been together for 6 months? And he's already lost interest in you and would rather play video games etc. And now you're trading his porn folder for sex more often? And he is so attached to his folder that he wants it back when you break up? As if the internet isn't exploding with the same porn, just seconds away?

I don't know... I think you're selling yourself short. The world is full of men. I think in my heart that you can do much, much better :Rose:

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I hope I don't get beat up on this thread for writing this, but here is my opinion. I'm an older woman, so I have a different perspective on things. I have read some of the responses, but not all.

First, he was watching the porn waaaay before you two met. You just happened to find out about it. He was careless, and you found it. Second, men are visual creatures, and in my opinion, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just loves to look at porn. Men have been looking at porn since they were young...their father's have done it and so on. Not making any excuses for him, but the fact that he lied about it...I can understand why. Porn has been looked at as being dirty, filthy, etc. It has always been a no no. However, sex sells and people watch it. I don't think it's such a bad thing, but I think you took it personal because of one particular woman he had an interest in. And because he had a particular interest in this woman, you went off, which is totally understandable. Then he lied on top of it..he lied to keep from hurting you because he promised you he would never look at porn again.

Now, men are going to lie, and we can't change that. Not making excuses, but hey, it is what it is. I've asked me why do they lie in certain circumstances, and lot of them have said to spare the feelings of their signicant other, etc. Yeah, yeah, I know, but this is what they said. If you can't deal with the fact that he lied about it, then move on. If you are upset about him taking more of an interest in porn, than you, move on. But I don't think in this case, he loves his porn more than he loves you. Or....

You can be that girl on the screen and fulfill his dreams. Again, men are visual. That is why they go to strip clubs, etc. They want to see what they don't see at home. Hate to say it, but it's true. (Heard this on the Michael Baisden show). Get dolled up and sexy, throw on some 4 inch stilletos, get a wig and show him you can be that girl. His interest in the porn may diminish and he'll focus his attention on you. If you break up with him, guess what...he'll still have his porn. So technically, he didn't choose porn over you, you left him because of the porn, and the fact that he lied, and the fact that he had one particular "fan." I'm not saying he's right or you are wrong, it is what it is.

 

[prettypuff1]

i find him looking at porn insulting. him staring at naked women doing these things. to me its kind of like a guy going to a strip club. if you're single then.. *shrugs* but if you have someone then.. why would you need to do that? why is ur gf not enough? .

I think that most men see it as a fantasy. All of my decent respectable guy friends told me this, and that it is mostly a fantasy for them. Like they are living out being with two girls with out doing it. I dont think it is a question of are you enough, but watching a fantasy being acted out. The porn isnt gonna keep him warm and I am pretty sure that he knows this.


With that said, i am split about this. You did make it clear to him that porn was a deal breaker for you. Whether or not i understand, doesnt matter. You set a limit and he chose to break that limit. ok now what.

How much was it affecting your relationship? Did he stop talking to you or ignore you for days on end watching it? did your sex life decreas to the point of no return for it? If it is truly addicted to it, then get rid of him. I dont think that watching porn is that serious.

I think that his stance on the matter is clear, now you need to make yours. I think it is unfair to ask someone to change behavior for you. I mean you are his SO and all but when it comes down to it, you can't force someone to give up what they like. You know he likes it, and it is selfish to say" stop because i said so".That isnt your job, you aint his momma. You can make it known that you don't like it, and he will act accordingly, but you can't demand someone stop. That may be the reason he chose to hide it from you.



Do you think there is room in your value system for this? Are you open to letting this thing slide? If he isnt spending all the rent money on this then whats the big deal?


If not then keep it moving, if so then let the man watch his BootyTalk movies.

 

[Princess4real]

If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it- period. That's it.

I'm not understanding why people are feeling compelled to tell her she should just accept it when she's made it very clear that she's uncomfortable with it.

Yet another example of a woman being told to settle for the sake of keeping a man.

This is such a good post.

 

[HairBarbie]

I don't think anyone should be forced to compromise their morals for the sake of keeping someone. I think you already know what you want to do and you should stick to that.

 

[Evolving78]

this is my opinion. porn is wrong, it is addictive, and it leaves all kinds of images and additional mess in someone's head. if a person thinks watching other people have sex is a good way to relax, then something is wrong with that pic. if you have a problem with it, you need to run for the hills, because he isn't going to stop anytime soon. what if you were to marry this man? those flicks and images will be all up in your bedroom. you need to be with someone that has the same morals and values as you and he clearly doesn't share those beliefs with you. now there maybe some people that will tell you to be his fantasy or do what those women do in those movies, but i believe you would be selling yourself short. that isn't you and it will never be you. you can't out do porn. you can do all of the flips and tricks in the world, but you can't give what porn can. porn is a mental thing, like a drug or it stimulates that part in your brain that produces those relaxing feelings in your head. as far as the video games, he is not going to give those up either. see he likes to engage in these things because it is a quick escape from his reality. don't settle, get out of the relationship while you can. see right now you have choices, you didn't make any vows to this man, so you have your God given right to chose and select the right man that is going to be equal to what is best for your life.

 

[Crystal]

To the OP... Good Luck and I hope it all works out. How old are you guys? I just want to say that if it doesn't work out and you meet someone else... He won't be perfect either and will have flaws and he'll also have a trait you won't like, hopefully whatever it is it will be something you can live with.

Everyone has their dealbreakers- for me it's drugs, being abusive emotionally and physically, being an alcoholic, having no ambition, etc... If it's porn and video games for you then I think you should be out of there.

 

[runwaydream]

To the OP... Good Luck and I hope it all works out. How old are you guys? I just want to say that if it doesn't work out and you meet someone else... He won't be perfect either and will have flaws and he'll also have a trait you won't like, hopefully whatever it is it will be something you can live with.

Everyone has their dealbreakers- for me it's drugs, being abusive emotionally and physically, being an alcoholic, having no ambition, etc... If it's porn and video games for you then I think you should be out of there.

we're both 21

 

[Bunny77]

Wait, you two LIVE together?

I dunno if that's a great idea if you're abstaining... not saying that's an excuse for the porn or that you don't have the right to not like the porn and the lies, but this boy is really being put in a difficult position in this entire situation.

 

[SelahOco]

Well I would leave for the abuse in that situation.As far as porn watching,I don't see a problem with it.It doesn't bother me because I like to watch porn myself.
I would have been upset with the fact that he lied about it.He should have been upfront and you could have made your decision the first time.

Girl....I was looking at your avi like, "yeah right...she don't like no porn." then I went to your profile and saw your picture there..."I said aww yeah, she got them nasty porn, bedroom eyes."

You just look so sweet and innocent in the avi! But that profile pic...girl! No offense

 

[firecracker]

we're both 21

oh my and your going through this and shacking? Say it ain't sooooooooooooooooo!

 

[Xavier]

an update: he has agreed to let me put it in a separate folder and have a password on it that only i kno and will give to him if we ever break up but in return we have to have relations more often. (im usually not in the mood and we often go w.o touching each other for a few days)

OP I am reading this right...In your earlier post you said that you were waiting till marriage. But then here you said that he wants relations more often, now that you have his porn on lock, which imply that you guys do have sex put only ever so often. I guess I'm confused.

As for the topic at hand. If your man likes watching porn I think it's pretty silly to think that by locking up his porn collection in a password protected folder, it will keep him from looking at it. Be honest with yourself and stop trying to change this man. You said several time in the thread the you HATE, HATE, HATE porn and now you are willing to compromise.

 

[firecracker]

OP I am reading this right...In your earlier post you said that you were waiting till marriage. But then here you said that he wants relations more often, now that you have his porn on lock, which imply that you guys do have sex put only ever so often. I guess I'm confused.

As for the topic at hand. If your man likes watching porn I think it's pretty silly to think that by locking up his porn collection in a password protected folder, it will keep him from looking at it. Be honest with yourself and stop trying to change this man. You said several time in the thread the you HATE, HATE, HATE porn and now you are will to compromise.

Your not the only one!

 

[Farida]

i'm not trying to put time restraints on him but if i let him do what he wants he'd be playing video games all day and completely neglect me. i have to give him SOME kind of boundaries.

we've been together for about 6 months
and no im not willing to lose him over porn i love him so much... but im also not willing to be w. a man that can look me in the eyes and lie

an update: he has agreed to let me put it in a separate folder and have a password on it that only i kno and will give to him if we ever break up but in return we have to have relations more often. (im usually not in the mood and we often go w.o touching each other for a few days)

however even w. that being said and the fact that he's told me what i believe to be the complete truth (after still telling lies to cover his lies of course)

im gonna stay home for a few days and see what happens. see how i feel after more time goes by.

Sweetheart, the porn in that folder isn't the only porn in the world. It is the internet age, websites, limewire. DVDs, VHS you name it...if he wants to watch it he will.

In my experience people are successful at changing only when they do it out of their own desire to better themselves, not to placate somebody else.

Men find it very hard not to look. Even on the street. It doesn't mean that justifies their behavior, but some men choose not to look, others choose to look. You are better of finding a man with the self-discipline not to look, then trying to change one who doesn't.

A few questions.
Is he the first man you slept with?

I ask this, because in my experience usually when women stay with a man they shouldn't be, it is either esteem or sex that is involved or both.

Plus, if he wants more sex in exchange for porn, that is straight B.S. because it implies that he uses porn because he doesn't get enough sex. So, what happens if you were married and you or he is out of town, or you just gave birth? Would he then be justified to whack off?

 

[Princess4real]

Sweetheart, the porn in that folder isn't the only porn in the world. It is the internet age, websites, limewire. DVDs, VHS you name it...if he wants to watch it he will.

In my experience people are successful at changing only when they do it out of their own desire to better themselves, not to placate somebody else.

Men find it very hard not to look. Even on the street. It doesn't mean that justifies their behavior, but some men choose not to look, others choose to look. You are better of finding a man with the self-discipline not to look, then trying to change one who doesn't.

A few questions.
Is he the first man you slept with?

I ask this, because in my experience usually when women stay with a man they shouldn't be, it is either esteem or sex that is involved or both.

Plus, if he wants more sex in exchange for porn, that is straight B.S. because it implies that he uses porn because he doesn't get enough sex. So, what happens if you were married and you or he is out of town, or you just gave birth? Would he then be justified to whack off?

That was too funny to me.