I Chose Me

Kamilah

Kamilah

Member
Hi Ladies,

About a month ago, I posted a few times about my engagement that has been on the rocks. This morning I sent him back the ring (we're long distance). I haven't told him yet. He has deliberately hurt and disappointed me so many times that it reached the point where for me to continue with him would have been really disrespectful to myself. He doesn't cheat on me or anything like that, but he is so inconsiderate of my feelings now. He has completely resigned from doing anything to keep the relationship going (visiting, acknowledging holidays/special events) and he only started calling on a regular basis again last week. He didn't even bother to send a card or flowers for graduation (much less try to be here). I was THERE when he graduated. I put his hood on for him, was with his family and even got him a Movado! Then Sunday afternoon he sends me some sorry text. How can I be your fiance but I'm only an afterthought?

He is unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to be in a healthy relationship.He refuses to see his own errors, if I say he does something hurtful to me he turns it around and makes it all about him and his feelings. He has become a person that I do not know, or care to know. But he told me he didn't love me, I just wasn't listening. He said he felt "neutral" about our relationship, and he refused to say "i love you" back to me. I knew then. It was just too hard to accept. But now, a month and several family crisis, holidays, and special events (without him) later I get it.So as much as I love him, as wonderfully as he used to treat me, he is not that man anymore. And it hurts so badly. He was my first real true love. But I have to love me more. So I'm letting him go.

I just really need some support right now.
 
WOW! Kamilah, I am so sorry to hear this. It will hurt! And probably for a LONG TIME, but it's a process. Don't expect yourself to feel all happy, this was an important relationship for you! Just look at it as a BEGINNING not an ending.
:bighug:
You know your LHCF sisters have your back and will support you through this time.
 
*Sisterly hug* I am so sorry. I think after some time, he may realize what he has missed. But by then, it may be too late. Once you hurt someone, it's hard to get "it" back.

On the flip side, I am so happy you chose YOU because you are what is most important. This is a good thing. I know it hurts as I have been there myself. You may see him again in the future and say to yourself "what did I see in him anyway" Keep your head up sis...it'll be ok. But I'm glad you made the RIGHT decision, and YOU chose YOU.
 
I'm sorry it didn't work, but I'm so proud of you for deciding you want something better for yourself.

I don't recall your other thread, but just reading what you wrote in this one is enough for me to understand why you made this choice.

Like CRL said, we're here for you, sis.

(((HUGS)))
 
Thanks ladies! The "flashback moments" are what I am least prepared for. Friday Unchained Melody (you know the song from Ghost) came on the radio in the car and I almost had to pull over I was boohoo crying so hard. That was the song we danced to right after he proposed. When I was leaving the post office, I started crying. But yesterday I was okay. I took myself on a date and had a decent time. But nighttime is so hard. I go through scenario after scenario of how we could work it out. Or what he may do to surprise me and turn it all around. Sigh...the truth is I still don't want to let it go. But I know he will choose HIM everytime. He won't swallow his pride to come after me. If he did, I would take him. If he were willing to apologize and admit his own shortcomings, God knows I would take him in a heartbeat. But he won't. I'm ranting. Sorry.

Thank you ladies for your support! (((hugs)))
 
So sorry to hear you're going through that Kamilah. Your title reminds me of Tamia's song, "Me." Well, we're here for you, you're not alone!
 
I'm sorry Kamilah :(. I know you feel and I know it hurts. I went through something similiar except I was not engaged. It will take time, but you will feel better. :hugs:
 
*Going to I-tunes to find "ME"*

Kamilah - I am so sorry you feel this way....I really am. I hate to see someone hurt...especially when I've been there .....I think we've all been there..and right around the holidays.... Wish we could fly down, go to the cheesecake factory, eat cheesecake and cry and laugh with you!! It'll be OK.
 
IM GLAD YOU MADE A DECISION FOR YOURSELF AND PUT YOU FIRST---CONGRATS AND
NEW YEAR NEW THINGS---!!!
BIG HUGSS TO YOU!!!
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
*Going to I-tunes to find "ME"*

Kamilah - I am so sorry you feel this way....I really am. I hate to see someone hurt...especially when I've been there .....I think we've all been there..and right around the holidays.... Wish we could fly down, go to the cheesecake factory, eat cheesecake and cry and laugh with you!! It'll be OK.
Click to expand...
I know right! We would be a mess!!!!!! Tearing up cheesecake factory!!!
 
:bighug:

Firstly, congrats for being wise, woman, and strong enough to chose YOU. It's going to hurt, because leaving a love always does, but you'll look back on this with relief and joy once you find a man who treats you as you should be treated. :hug3:
 
people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime....even the ones where we think its something bad are people and experiences that help us become the person we are meant to be and those people and experiences are your disguised blessings in life....and can truly be appreciated when realized that nothing that ever happens is "all for nothing" or "bad"

the more you chose you, love for you, your freedom, your happiness and you experience how grand that is...that grandness will start to become your reality with all the people you bring into your life who will reflect it back to you
 
Kamilah said:
Thanks ladies! The "flashback moments" are what I am least prepared for. Friday Unchained Melody (you know the song from Ghost) came on the radio in the car and I almost had to pull over I was boohoo crying so hard. That was the song we danced to right after he proposed. When I was leaving the post office, I started crying. But yesterday I was okay. I took myself on a date and had a decent time. But nighttime is so hard. I go through scenario after scenario of how we could work it out. Or what he may do to surprise me and turn it all around. Sigh...the truth is I still don't want to let it go. But I know he will choose HIM everytime. He won't swallow his pride to come after me. If he did, I would take him. If he were willing to apologize and admit his own shortcomings, God knows I would take him in a heartbeat. But he won't. I'm ranting. Sorry.

Thank you ladies for your support! (((hugs)))
Click to expand...

I think from all you have said, I think you are making a good decision :yep:

but... could he be depressed, going through something really bad at this time; that he hasnt told you about? It so, I think you guys should talk it through and see what you come up with; if not I think you're making the best decision :yep:

(((HUGS TO YOU)))​
 
Kamilah said:
Thanks ladies! The "flashback moments" are what I am least prepared for. Friday Unchained Melody (you know the song from Ghost) came on the radio in the car and I almost had to pull over I was boohoo crying so hard. That was the song we danced to right after he proposed. When I was leaving the post office, I started crying. But yesterday I was okay. I took myself on a date and had a decent time. But nighttime is so hard. I go through scenario after scenario of how we could work it out. Or what he may do to surprise me and turn it all around. Sigh...the truth is I still don't want to let it go. But I know he will choose HIM everytime. He won't swallow his pride to come after me. If he did, I would take him. If he were willing to apologize and admit his own shortcomings, God knows I would take him in a heartbeat. But he won't. I'm ranting. Sorry.

Thank you ladies for your support! (((hugs)))
Click to expand...

Be careful with this thought....He may surprise you and come after you...I felt the same way when I broke up with my ex...but he surprised me and came back....a month after having no contact at all:nono: and has been begging ever since but its too late for us in my opinion...If he does come back make sure you think about why you broke it off because some men just hate to "lose" and he may come back for the wrong reasons. Hugs to you and good luck with whatever you decide to do. I'm really sorry this happened.
 
I'm sorry hon. I've been there as well.

Just take care of yourself (regardless of what happens).There are going to tough days ahead, but with time it will get easier.

(((Hugs)))
 
Ms_Delikate said:
Be careful with this thought....He may surprise you and come after you...I felt the same way when I broke up with my ex...but he surprised me and came back....a month after having no contact at all:nono: and has been begging ever since but its too late for us in my opinion...If he does come back make sure you think about why you broke it off because some men just hate to "lose" and he may come back for the wrong reasons. Hugs to you and good luck with whatever you decide to do. I'm really sorry this happened.
Click to expand...

Yes indeed, I always end up with the "I didn't know I had such a good thing when I had you" types. Popping back up after I have moved on via phone, email, letter, smoke signal, message in a bottle...prepare yourself.:lachen: If I ever need a self esteem booster, I should just gather all my ex's in a room and they could sing my praises.:rolleyes:
 
STLCoverGirl said:
Yes indeed, I always end up with the "I didn't know I had such a good thing when I had you" types. Popping back up after I have moved on via phone, email, letter, smoke signal, message in a bottle...prepare yourself.:lachen: If I ever need a self esteem booster, I should just gather all my ex's in a room and they could sing my praises.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

For real!

I have yet to have a guy I've dealt with that screwed up not try to come back in some shape or form.

It could be years later, but it never fails.
 
Kamilah said:
Hi Ladies,

About a month ago, I posted a few times about my engagement that has been on the rocks. This morning I sent him back the ring (we're long distance). I haven't told him yet. He has deliberately hurt and disappointed me so many times that it reached the point where for me to continue with him would have been really disrespectful to myself. He doesn't cheat on me or anything like that, but he is so inconsiderate of my feelings now. He has completely resigned from doing anything to keep the relationship going (visiting, acknowledging holidays/special events) and he only started calling on a regular basis again last week. He didn't even bother to send a card or flowers for graduation (much less try to be here). I was THERE when he graduated. I put his hood on for him, was with his family and even got him a Movado! Then Sunday afternoon he sends me some sorry text. How can I be your fiance but I'm only an afterthought?

He is unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to be in a healthy relationship.He refuses to see his own errors, if I say he does something hurtful to me he turns it around and makes it all about him and his feelings. He has become a person that I do not know, or care to know. But he told me he didn't love me, I just wasn't listening. He said he felt "neutral" about our relationship, and he refused to say "i love you" back to me. I knew then. It was just too hard to accept. But now, a month and several family crisis, holidays, and special events (without him) later I get it.So as much as I love him, as wonderfully as he used to treat me, he is not that man anymore. And it hurts so badly. He was my first real true love. But I have to love me more. So I'm letting him go.

I just really need some support right now.
Click to expand...
YOu did the right thing
 
Brave woman..you are inspiring..evaluating
standard of his behavior ..and following through

I love what you said...
I Chose Me
be very very gentle with yourself
do all the things that center and encourage you and enliven you
cry when and if you need to

yes~we are here for you..suppprting you... sending prayers
and good wishes
Keep your beautiful head......UP

He won't swallow his pride to come after me. If he did, I would take him. If he were willing to apologize and admit his own shortcomings,
Click to expand...

He might turn it all around ..you set a boundary
continue to choose you....even if he does so you do'nt settle for less than the best
 
Last edited:
hello sis,

i almost never post, but i felt like reaching out after reading your post, especially as it's near the holidays.

i've been where you are, but i wasn't as wise and brave as you have been. much of what you have described about your fiance also applied to my dh - in fact it's uncanny. especially what you said about him never acknowledging how he has hurt you. unlike you, i half-heartedly tried to call off my wedding (this is several years ago now........) but backed down when my mother said it was too late - all the arrangements were in place, what would the families say etc etc. i then found out i was pregnant and felt there was nothing i could do.

this is what happened next........
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=187579&highlight=months+preg

i don't know who said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" but they were absolutely right.

as other ladies have posted, i'd also be wary of him coming back and begging, apologising etc once he realises he's lost you. i've left my dh several times and this has happened each time. he's even involved my mother each time and other family members etc. guess what? each time things would improve for a short time, but he'd only be pretending. soon the mask would slip and he'd go back to his old ways. if a person doesn't genuinely see anything wrong with their behaviour and want to change, they won't.

frankly, i think you've dodged a bullet with this one. if he's not bothering to make any effort now when you're engaged, what of later?

you must be in a lot of emotional pain now, but you may have saved yourself years of anguish, anxiety and misery by being so courageous.

if that is you in your avatar, you look very beautiful and smart and you sound very intelligent. this should be a bright, new beginning for you and not an ending.

wishing you health and happiness over the holidays and all the best for the future,

almond :)
 
As much as it hurts right now, you did the right thing. The handwriting was on the wall and believe me when I say, marriage would not have changed anything. As a matter of fact, it probably would have made things worse. Choosing you was the best thing you could have done.
 
im so sorry you are going thru this, i know how it feels i broke up with a man i loved too about a month ago, he changed too into a man i didnt even recognise, the man i fell in love with was long gone and i dont think he is ever coming back. He went from being this sweet loving supportive man to a man who let me down over and over, false promises but would try and keep me sweet by telling me he loves me and how much he missed me (he was in the army, but not even abroad) he didnt make any attemps to come and visit me when he always made the effort before. No phone calls or texts.

The relationship became on his terms only what he wanted when he wanted it, what about me?? I told him over and over again but it was always an excuse about o im in the army, but he was in the army when we first met and he had time then! until i said no i cant put myself on hold for the sake of this man, i cant keep setting myself up fr sidappointment fine he is in the army but that is no excuse for not maintaining any communication or coming to visit me. I broke up with him a week after my birthday (i didnt get anything in the post, not even a text)but of course he apologised and told me how much he loves and misses me im sorry but his 'love' for me wasnt enough to sustain our relationship. I feel freer without him now, with him i was beginning to go under. I hope things get better for you too
 
I am so so proud of you :yep::yep::hug3:
This move right here is going to be a big turning point for you.
Now, find you something fun and peaceful to do and do alot of it :yep:
 
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