How To Avoid Bad Guys And Bad Relationships Challenge

hopeful

hopeful

Well-Known Member
So I just finished reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man ~~ before you get involved by Sandra L. Brown, M.A. There is also an accompanying workbook of the same name. She wrote Women Who Love Psychopaths as well which is great and I see as a precursor to the How to Spot a Dangerous Man book and workbook.

This challenge is for you if:
*You think your picker is broken
*You keep ending up with cheaters, liars, abusers, fake nice guys, etc.
*You come from an abusive or neglectful childhood
*You are tired of being and feeling used by men

I think to be part of this challenge, you should read Women Who Love Psychopaths first. It's a pretty easy read. Then we can go through the How to Spot a Dangerous Man book together. It's 13 chapters so maybe make this a 13 week challenge?

We can go from there re the workbook. I'm thinking we can just encourage each other re the workbook and don't need a challenge.

So who's in? I will keep this first post updated with those of you who want to be in this challenge. I'm thinking we can start Monday, September 12th? That would give everyone 2 weeks to get the books and read Women Who Love Psychopaths. Then if we start How to Spot a Dangerous Man on the 12th of September, we should be done by Sunday 12/18, one week before Christmas.

Challenge Members:
*hopeful -- challenge leader
*deediamante
*Kim0105
*Kalani
*crlsweetie912
*WonderGirl2U
*JustSitNBePretty
 
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Hopefully a couple more will join us. Keep us updated ladies on when you get your books. Your thoughts on Women Who Love Psychopaths etc.
 
.....I ran across this tidbit of useful information while hoping to find Audible versions of this thread's recommended books on Amazon. I find this list applicable to family life too (at least mine)...
_________________________________________________


13 Rules For Dealing With Sociopaths In Everyday Life​


1. Accept that some people literally have no conscience.

2. In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on–educator, doctor, leader, animal lover, humanist, parent–go with your instincts.

3. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule Of Threes * regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule Of Threes* your personal policy.

4. Question Authority.

5. Suspect Flattery.

6. If necessary, redefine your concept of respect.

7. Do not join the game.

8. Don’t try to redeem the unredeemable.

9. Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his/her true nature.

10. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract and to include them in your life is perilous. Although they may seem hurt by your boundaries, the sociopath really has no feelings to hurt. People may not understand why you have to cut this person off as sociopathy can be difficult to detect and even more difficult to explain. If total avoidance is impossible, try to come as close as you can to keeping your distance from the sociopath. Once you engage with a sociopath, the destructiveness in their psyche can undermine your own life.

11. Question your tendency to pity too easily. Pity should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen upon misfortune. If you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100% that you are dealing with a sociopath. Don’t be afraid to reserve your sympathy for those that truly deserve it. Don ‘t be afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point. Contrary to what many of us have been taught, we don’t have to be caring to everyone.

12. Defend Your Psyche. Don’t allow someone without a conscience convince you that there is no hope for humanity. Most humans do possess a conscience and are able to love.

13. The Best Revenge is living well. No explanation is needed. As Confucius said, “If you plan to embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”





* Rule of Three’s: When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy.
  • One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding.
  • Two may involve a serious mistake.
  • But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.
Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
 
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Thank you @Ivonnovi
This is great. I will also add trusting your instincts as very smooth people hide lies well but most of us still "know" something is off. And yet we question our knowing or feel we need to justify or explain it. We have to learn to trust us and make ourselves our priority.

Biggy for me is accepting some people have no conscience at all. For some reason that has been the hardest thing for me to accept, but once you do, it puts you in a much safer position in this world.
 
Hello ladies! Is everyone on track? Got your books? Thinking about being safer in the world? Specifically in the dating and romantic world? Post your thoughts and updates. What are your thoughts on Women Who Love Psychopaths? Will you guys be ready to get started on How to Spot a Dangerous Man next Monday? Let's keep the conversation going. For me the real question is not how to get a man, but how to not get a dangerous one, and more importantly how to attract and be attracted to a healthy, safe one.
 
hopeful said:
Hello ladies! Is everyone on track? Got your books? Thinking about being safer in the world? Specifically in the dating and romantic world? Post your thoughts and updates. What are your thoughts on Women Who Love Psychopaths? Will you guys be ready to get started on How to Spot a Dangerous Man next Monday? Let's keep the conversation going. For me the real question is not how to get a man, but how to not get a dangerous one, and more importantly how to attract and be attracted to a healthy, safe one.
Click to expand...

I agree that attracting a healthy man is the key, and that it starts with becoming healthy ourselves and learning to detect and avoid dangerous men. I've definitely been giving it a lot of thought lately- I've been thinking about relationships in general. I don't have my book yet, but I plan to get it soon and be ready on Monday. Thanks for starting this!
 
I got the books and trekking through Women Who Love Psychopaths. About to start Chapter 5. :look:

It reads to me like a textbook so trying to digest the info. Guess it is important to lay down the foundation with the verbiage and proper definition. Quite fascinating though!
 
deediamante said:
I got the books and trekking through Women Who Love Psychopaths. About to start Chapter 5. :look:

It reads to me like a textbook so trying to digest the info. Guess it is important to lay down the foundation with the verbiage and proper definition. Quite fascinating though!
Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback. It really is fascinating:yep:. I like that it takes the mystery out of who these guys are, how they fly under the radar etc., and the kind of woman you have to be to be attracted to them and to have them be attracted to you. I like knowing that these couplings don't just happen.
 
hopeful said:
Thanks for the feedback. It really is fascinating:yep:. I like that it takes the mystery out of who these guys are, how they fly under the radar etc., and the kind of woman you have to be to be attracted to them and to have them be attracted to you. I like knowing that these couplings don't just happen.
Click to expand...

Yes! Very scary how they blend in with ease. When I thought "psychopath" previously, I thought they were criminals, cannibals, murderers, thieves.....just flat out crazy and menaces to society. Not so....
 
hopeful said:
Hello ladies! Is everyone on track? Got your books? Thinking about being safer in the world? Specifically in the dating and romantic world? Post your thoughts and updates. What are your thoughts on Women Who Love Psychopaths? Will you guys be ready to get started on How to Spot a Dangerous Man next Monday? Let's keep the conversation going. For me the real question is not how to get a man, but how to not get a dangerous one, and more importantly how to attract and be attracted to a healthy, safe one.
Click to expand...

Will reply at length tomorrow on Women Who Love Psychopaths. I finished it last Wednesday and can definitely see myself and the ex more clearly.
 
@deediamante
Yes, psychopaths are predators and live a parasitic lifestyle. To me it's like they cannot sustain themselves without feeding off of or preying on someone. We think of them initially like you said as criminals. In a way they really are criminals IMO, it's just that what they do isn't legally classified as a crime. They break hearts, lie, deceive, steal legally, con people, live double lives, cheat, lie pathologically, etc. The most important aspect I believe is that they operate without a conscience. They don't feel remorse for what they do like serial killers and rapists etc. They never own up to what they do or apologize. They have shallow emotions. They find legal ways to prey on others, blend into society, and cause devastation.

Society has kind of normalized some these behaviors as male behaviors when they are really psychopathic.

Boys as young as 12 and 13 are showing these traits and are turning young girls lives upside down. As much as these men hurt adult women, imagine the impact on a 12 or 13 year old girl.
 
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I've been reading in preparation for our discussion. I had a full and busy day yesterday as well, so I really felt badly for not commenting sooner, but I was happy to see I didn't miss anything.

The author's writing style is excellent! The book is written in a way that really opens your eyes and demystifies how smart women can make such poor choices in men.

One thing that stands out for me so far is that when you feel smart and powerful, you think, "Oh, that will never happen to me" and "I can't believe she was so stupid to fall for that user/abuser." But as the author points out, it's often easier to see another person's situation more objectively than your own. Thinking it will never happen to you is one of the ways women end up in the type of abusive relationships they never imaged they'd end up in.

I'm so thankful this thread was started, and I can't wait to hear what other ladies think so far!

ETA: I also agree with the author that society does create a "boys will be boys" culture where bad behavior is excused as being masculine and to be expected. But this thinking really is dangerous because it blinds women to the truth about how dangerous some men are, and they're totally surprised when the men end up harming them financially, emotionally, or physically. It was really good when she pointed out that this happens all the time and that even in this day in age, women are still constantly victimized by men like this every day.
 
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