HappilyLiberal
Well-Known Member
Are you sure he didn't get fired?
He Left
- Thread starter shinyblackhair
- Start date
Are you sure he didn't get fired?
shinyblackhair
Well-Known Member
Hey everyone. I am currently trying to work up the nerve to leave. I am just trying to figure out the logistics of how I'd get everyone to school etc. At this point I'm even considering dropping out of school myself. Please pray for me. Things are just not good here. I am too weak to even explain it all now. My sister is trying to encourage me to go stay with my mom even for a bit, but I'm stuck. I wrote my husband a letter stating that I feel we should separate and that I may move to my moms. This was 9 pm last night. I've asked him several time since what his response is to my letter and he has none. In fact he is on the couch right now sleeping away rather peacefully it seems.
My sister says I'm crazy for even being here right now. What is wrong with me? To be honest I don't want to move to my moms because it's just not my place and I won't feel comfortable. My brother uses the main bathroom and it's always a disaster (ew) and I'd have to share that with him and I don't want the kids in there...I supposed I could clean it up so that it's usable, but it's not like my own nice bathroom...ya know? And he has a dog which my son is terrified of...I'm so confused. I can't take that yelling the verbal attacks and the dysfunction. It is killing me. My youngest daughter was in tears yesterday. My son was hugging my leg and my eldest just locked herself in her room. I don't know what to do...
My sister says I'm crazy for even being here right now. What is wrong with me? To be honest I don't want to move to my moms because it's just not my place and I won't feel comfortable. My brother uses the main bathroom and it's always a disaster (ew) and I'd have to share that with him and I don't want the kids in there...I supposed I could clean it up so that it's usable, but it's not like my own nice bathroom...ya know? And he has a dog which my son is terrified of...I'm so confused. I can't take that yelling the verbal attacks and the dysfunction. It is killing me. My youngest daughter was in tears yesterday. My son was hugging my leg and my eldest just locked herself in her room. I don't know what to do...
~Sparklingflame~
New Member
Are you sure you want to leave him? Are you sure you want him to leave?
shinyblackhair
Well-Known Member
He has been rejected me and telling me for years that he is tired of me and can't stand me. Then he flips and everything is cool until I do something to piss him off again. I need to get off this rollercoaster. My self esteem is shot...I can't move, think or make a decision. He is pushing me and telling me that I'm basically worhtless, not a good wife...he even brought up 2 of my aunt's failed marriages as though that has something to do with me...like I'm from damaged goods, I guess. How much more do I have to take? How much more do I persist keeping it together for the kids? I'm giving my life away, my very being and wellness to keep a "marriage" together. he doesn't want me but, he doesn't have the guts to really just end it, so he is torturing me every step of the way. Plus, this is "his" house and I only get to stay in it because "I'm married to him". Without him, I have nothing and would have nothing. You know what it's true. I gave away everything to him in the pursuit of having this ideal family picture, but it never really ended up being that way. That is my fault and I take full responsibility for that. I should have seen the light and heeded the fact that he was not trying to have the family life that I wanted....I should have gotten myself together a long time ago. Now I have a whole heap of **** to work out. He says I need to grow up and stand on my own two feet. Well, he is right. He wants out...what can I do? Stay? He's into me one minute and in the very next he is calling me everything but a child of God. I have endured so much verbal abuse from him...what was I thinking???? Sometimes I shake my head and say I am really must be an idiot to have burried my head in the sand for 15 years. This marriage was doomed from the start. You cannot secretly get married at age 18 without the blessing from your parents, family and GOD and think it's going to be a blessed union. He needed his Canadian papers and now he's got 'em....now where does that leave me and my four children that we had *together*?
Ladybelle
New Member
I was thinking the same thing. Not to sound harsh on OP - but you sound so unsure of what you want to do. Until you are truly fed up, leaving now wouldn't make a huge difference because you'll go back just as soon as he starts acting halfway decent again.
When you get sick & tired of being sick & tired, that's when you will do whatever and I mean whatever is necessary to change your situation. You are going to have to be willing to endure some temporary discomfort for a lifetime change.
Ladybelle
New Member
I promise you, if you can get away from this man (limiting all contact) for just three - six months, you will see things so much more clearly. Is there any way for you to do that?
shinyblackhair
Well-Known Member
Ladybelle, I know I'm so conflicted. I know what I should do, but just can't make that move...my husband is *counting* on that I bet. I'm am sooo sick and I know this dysfunction is not healthy for me or the kids, but I'm so stuck and scared. And I totally hear you on having to endure some temporary discomfort for a lifetime change...I totally get that.
I don't think it would be possible to limit contact from him since we have children but, it is absolutely possile for me to leave. My parents would take me back in a heartbeat. It's just up to me to take the first step...I keep finding all kinds of excuses to not do it of course, but I know what I need to do...
Thanks for your replies...
awhyley
Well-Known Member
I've been following the thread off and on, and this back and forth that you have with your husband needs to stop. Someone needs to go!
He's back on the couch, acting all surly and what not, and you're stressed and confused. It's a new year, and it's time to get your life together; without him. While it may not be the ideal situation, if you can stay with your moms, stay with your moms. It doesn't make sense having everyone (including the kids) depressed, and in limbo. It's not fair to anyone involved in this.
He's back on the couch, acting all surly and what not, and you're stressed and confused. It's a new year, and it's time to get your life together; without him. While it may not be the ideal situation, if you can stay with your moms, stay with your moms. It doesn't make sense having everyone (including the kids) depressed, and in limbo. It's not fair to anyone involved in this.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Agree with Awhyley completely! You can deal with a dirty bathroom for awhile. Just keep that dog away from your son. Finish school! You must. Baby steps. You don't have to figure everything out right now
. Don't have to worry about splitting assets and divorce, etc. Focus on getting out (go to your mom's), finish school, keep kids safe and at there current schools. School doesn't have to know a change in your living situation since he's still living there. Take it one step at a time and have a little faith. Once you finish school and get a job it will be on and poppin' 
. Thank GOD you have your parents and a place to go. And keep listening to your sister.
. Don't have to worry about splitting assets and divorce, etc. Focus on getting out (go to your mom's), finish school, keep kids safe and at there current schools. School doesn't have to know a change in your living situation since he's still living there. Take it one step at a time and have a little faith. Once you finish school and get a job it will be on and poppin' . Thank GOD you have your parents and a place to go. And keep listening to your sister.~Sparklingflame~
New Member
I just wasnt sure b/c honestly I dont see how you would let the possibility of using a dirty bathroom, that can be cleaned, hold you back from laving all that madness.
The longer you stay/he stays, the harder it will be to leave/put him out, and the longer you have to deal with all that.
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fattyfatfat
Well-Known Member
OP, have you stashed away any money?
southerncitygirl
Well-Known Member
you're not making sense you feel very uncomfortable in your current space....staying with your mom would only be temporary and be 10,000X better than the former. you and the kids would be more relaxed. i hate to sound mean but it ain't about you and it stopped being about you once you popped out 4 kiddos. think about what's best for them not whether you'll be comfy
who cares about a nice bathroom in your current space your hubby treats you like dog poop stuck on the bottom of some timberland hiking boots.....a bad situation in a nice house makes no kind of sense. i would rather live in shoebox under the brooklyn or golden gate bridge to have my peace of mind, self-esteem, and sanity intact. your hubby has you right where he wants you, show his butt he's wrong and leave. stop stressing those poor kids out. talk to a divorce lawyer part of everything your hubby has is also your including the house, if he doesn't sell it you could get a chunk of the equity put into it in cash as you are entitled to it by law. get some balls for the sake of your babies, go to school and therapy, and work on building your self-esteem. i do not want to hear about you lookingat, dating, or desiring another man for the next 2-4 yrs take control of your destiny for GOD's sake!!! you are where you are cause you made a bad choice now is the time to make things right LEAVE ALREADY!!!!!!! men can only do to us what we allow, sis i wish you well, i know its hard starting over and a little scary, but know you can do this!
HauteHippie
Well-Known Member
Agree with Awhyley completely! You can deal with a dirty bathroom for awhile. Just keep that dog away from your son. Finish school! You must. Baby steps. You don't have to figure everything out right now
I agree. You don't have to figure everything out now, but you're more likely to figure the details out in the atmosphere of the home of your mother-- who you say is welcoming you. That in itself is a good thing. Take those baby steps until you're ready to take a definitive leap of faith in yourself. Maybe separation first, divorce later. For now, do what I believe you know is best for your children.
The oldest child seems fed up. The WORST thing a parent can do is not protect their child. I mean, it's the one basic thing that requires little, but love and "Mommy wasn't strong enough," is NOT going to cut it. I can't offer advice as a married woman, so I'm telling you what I know as a daughter: protect your children as best you can.
I'm not sure since I'm not there, but it sounds as if your husband could have some mental issues. That by itself can be difficult for children; it's unavoidably difficult to death with, but some level of that difficulty could be reduced if you left. Their lives are really in your hands.
I really do hope you're stashing money away. What do you really want to accomplish this month? Next month? Write those things down and make sure they get done. Prove him and your fears wrong.
Lovelylife
New Member
Have you gotten used to the treatment?
I know some people do.
I know some people do.
firecracker
Well-Known Member
Are there any organizations you can contact for help? Catholic Charities, battered women hotline, your church, Womens and children associations, Red Cross, Salvation Army etc. When I say help that includes counseling, transitional housing and educational programs and/or assistance. Even if you go to your Mom you still need some help in so many other ways so please put your pride aside. A closed mouth can't get fed. Ask for and seek out help!
Nefertiti0906
Well-Known Member
I understand that you are very scared of the unknown and I detect a bit of pride about your leaving (i.e. not staying at your mother's house).
If you can't leave for yourself, please look at what is going to happen to your children's psyche. The damage is being done to them as well and it might take years to reverse. Take a leap of faith and do this for them, leave.
If you can't leave for yourself, please look at what is going to happen to your children's psyche. The damage is being done to them as well and it might take years to reverse. Take a leap of faith and do this for them, leave.
ebonylocs
New Member
Yes, but but, they have been married for 15 yrs, so it's not quite as simple as "He got the green card and then started to act up". (I *have* seen this happen to a couple of my female cousins.) I think this is a case of a man who is tired of his responsibilities as a husband, father and breadwinner. Early mid life crisis.In the original thread, she did say she loved him and that he loved her, it's just that the marriage would have allowed him to get his green card to stay in Canada.I have nothing against people who feel this is acceptable, but me personally, I would never marry a man who needs a green card. That's a powerful incentive for a man to marry a woman, but what happens once he gets it? He starts to act up like OP's husband that's what. I think it's just better when people marry for love ONLY, not when one partner stands to gain "something". Now that he has what he wants, she is no longer needed and is a "burden". Again,
OP, I wouldn't stay in this situation. I do understand that it is not easy for a married woman to leave the home she has built and made her own, to go back to her parents' house. But at least if you go to your parents' you will have more peace and will be able to finish your course, which will put you in the position to earn your own income, have a level of independence, and maybe even get your own place.
chocolat79
Well-Known Member
OP, listen to what the other ladies have said.
If you don't have the strength to do it, do it for your children. THEY are depending on YOU and how you react (or not) in this situation can shape who they are and how they will be in relationships. Would you want YOUR daughters in a situation like this?
Also, a little tidbit too (maybe another way of looking at this): It also seems like you're hesitant to leave because you think he'll have FREE reign of the house and he can cheat or do whatever he wants. That may be true, BUT, that doesn't mean he will enjoy it. When you're used to having a house full of people, NOT having them there can be quite lonely. He MAY have a sidepiece or whatever, but remember the 80/20 rule. Right now, he has a warm, cozy house to come home to and even if you guys aren't speaking and the children aren't exactly jumping in his arms, you all are THERE. Plus, he doesn't think you'll do it. He doesn't think you have the cojones to actually leave him. Call his bluff and prove him wrong. Trust, he'll be taken aback! He's been treating you this way for this long, why would he think you'd leave now?
Don't automatically think that he's gonna be all happy and dancing when you leave. He may enjoy it for a minute, but then reality sets in. So don't think that he's necessarily getting off scot-free. He will likely be miserable, whether he admits it or not. Don't be surprised one bit, if, when you leave, he begs you to come back. IF you decide to go back (which I don't advise, but I'm not married, so...), you put your foot down and you put it down like Rumpelstiltskin.
Good luck!
If you don't have the strength to do it, do it for your children. THEY are depending on YOU and how you react (or not) in this situation can shape who they are and how they will be in relationships. Would you want YOUR daughters in a situation like this?
Also, a little tidbit too (maybe another way of looking at this): It also seems like you're hesitant to leave because you think he'll have FREE reign of the house and he can cheat or do whatever he wants. That may be true, BUT, that doesn't mean he will enjoy it. When you're used to having a house full of people, NOT having them there can be quite lonely. He MAY have a sidepiece or whatever, but remember the 80/20 rule. Right now, he has a warm, cozy house to come home to and even if you guys aren't speaking and the children aren't exactly jumping in his arms, you all are THERE. Plus, he doesn't think you'll do it. He doesn't think you have the cojones to actually leave him. Call his bluff and prove him wrong. Trust, he'll be taken aback! He's been treating you this way for this long, why would he think you'd leave now?
Don't automatically think that he's gonna be all happy and dancing when you leave. He may enjoy it for a minute, but then reality sets in. So don't think that he's necessarily getting off scot-free. He will likely be miserable, whether he admits it or not. Don't be surprised one bit, if, when you leave, he begs you to come back. IF you decide to go back (which I don't advise, but I'm not married, so...), you put your foot down and you put it down like Rumpelstiltskin.
Good luck!
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ThatJerseyGirl
Well-Known Member
*lights up a newport one hunnit*
ne'mind....it's too much...
*puts newport out in da ashtray*
ne'mind....it's too much...
*puts newport out in da ashtray*
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
NicBenny
New Member
OP, you are going through a ton of emotions ... I was on a rollercoaster ride just reading through all of your posts. 
I think you should start getting the Court involved. Part of it sounds as if you are "stuck" there because of the financial dependency. Start working on becoming financially independent. You started moving in the right direction by re-routing the child credit to your personal account and now go apply for spousal / child support. It is not a choice for him to support the children, it is a duty. Now, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get down to the Court and apply for spousal and child support (I'm saying this as gently as possible).
Do not drop out of school, I'm sure there are tons of support programs in place to assist single parents. You are investing in your future as well as your children's future by completing your studies. So quitting shouldn't be a option.
He has all of the power, so take some back for yourself. Start by moving in with your parents and applying for child support (the bathroom is the least of your worries). He is not damaging the children, BOTH of you are damaging the children. Accept responsibility and make a change. Please watch For Colored Girls...you are holding him responsible what what he is doing to the kids...but you share in that responsibility by keeping them in that environment for your own (selfish) reasons. So...take responsibility and make a change.
There are options, I'm just afraid that you aren't looking hard enough.
I say all of this with LOVE. :blowkiss:
I think you should start getting the Court involved. Part of it sounds as if you are "stuck" there because of the financial dependency. Start working on becoming financially independent. You started moving in the right direction by re-routing the child credit to your personal account and now go apply for spousal / child support. It is not a choice for him to support the children, it is a duty. Now, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get down to the Court and apply for spousal and child support (I'm saying this as gently as possible).
Do not drop out of school, I'm sure there are tons of support programs in place to assist single parents. You are investing in your future as well as your children's future by completing your studies. So quitting shouldn't be a option.
He has all of the power, so take some back for yourself. Start by moving in with your parents and applying for child support (the bathroom is the least of your worries). He is not damaging the children, BOTH of you are damaging the children. Accept responsibility and make a change. Please watch For Colored Girls...you are holding him responsible what what he is doing to the kids...but you share in that responsibility by keeping them in that environment for your own (selfish) reasons. So...take responsibility and make a change.
There are options, I'm just afraid that you aren't looking hard enough.
I say all of this with LOVE. :blowkiss:
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
I agree. A decent man does not walk out on his wife AND CHILDREN and tell them to "fend for yourself." Whatever anger you have with your partner, you should always try to fullfill your parental responsabilities.
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
You need this man like you need a hole in the head.
That business about "his house" that you only get to stay in because you're married to him is quite disturbing. I don't know what the laws are in Canada, but if you've been married to this man for 15 years and have 4 children with you, you should have some legal rights as a spouse and mother and you need to exercise them...
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS and find a lawyer. It's time to seek help and support from your family and any friend you can trust. Don't deal with this alone. You need to be strong for your children.
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
you're not making sense you feel very uncomfortable in your current space....staying with your mom would only be temporary and be 10,000X better than the former. you and the kids would be more relaxed. i hate to sound mean but it ain't about you and it stopped being about you once you popped out 4 kiddos. think about what's best for them not whether you'll be comfy
Yes, YES, YES!!!!!! Couldn't have said it better. !!!!
itismehmmkay
Well-Known Member
OP, the hardest part will be moving out. Once you do that, the clouds move away and you see that much clearer within weeks.
StarFish106
Well-Known Member
SBH
You say you would walk away with nothing because it is his house. After 20 years of marriage, during my senior year in HS my mom packed her and and we left. We left EVERYTHING. Her name was on the house but we still left. The only thing my dad 'allowed' us to take was my bedroom furniture (bunk beds at that) because he didn't want an empty house. He taunted my mom saying she would be back, she couldn't do it yadda yadda. We got a 1 bedroom apartment in the area and rolled out. It was ok but it gave us the piece of mind we needed. My dad was verbally abusive to me and her and in the past physically to my mom. The last straw was when he went off on me for something he told me to do. I was about to kick him in his throat. When my mom saw that, she knew we had to go. I was getting pains in my stomach because of the stress of the whole situation.
Our first night in our new apartment we slept for 10 hours. Just to be able to have peace of mind in our new place was enough. It was hard and $ was tight but we survived. My mom sent me to my Sr. Prom, Class Trip and college. All without my dad more or less. Unfortunately he passed right before i graduated but we moved BACK into our house. With all the furniture he would not let us take. They never divorced because my dad was very sick but an alcoholic as well which is why we moved out.
So yes moving with your moms for a minute may be uncomfortable but you need that peace of mind even if it is for a short time period. Protect your sanity and your babies. Move.
You say you would walk away with nothing because it is his house. After 20 years of marriage, during my senior year in HS my mom packed her and and we left. We left EVERYTHING. Her name was on the house but we still left. The only thing my dad 'allowed' us to take was my bedroom furniture (bunk beds at that) because he didn't want an empty house. He taunted my mom saying she would be back, she couldn't do it yadda yadda. We got a 1 bedroom apartment in the area and rolled out. It was ok but it gave us the piece of mind we needed. My dad was verbally abusive to me and her and in the past physically to my mom. The last straw was when he went off on me for something he told me to do. I was about to kick him in his throat. When my mom saw that, she knew we had to go. I was getting pains in my stomach because of the stress of the whole situation.
Our first night in our new apartment we slept for 10 hours. Just to be able to have peace of mind in our new place was enough. It was hard and $ was tight but we survived. My mom sent me to my Sr. Prom, Class Trip and college. All without my dad more or less. Unfortunately he passed right before i graduated but we moved BACK into our house. With all the furniture he would not let us take. They never divorced because my dad was very sick but an alcoholic as well which is why we moved out.
So yes moving with your moms for a minute may be uncomfortable but you need that peace of mind even if it is for a short time period. Protect your sanity and your babies. Move.
JerriBlank
Well-Known Member
Jas123
The Star of a Story
if you're not ready to leave (which it seems you're not) why don't you make-up/write out a 3mos or 6mos or 12mos plan... 1st thing on that plan is to start saving money... you did good by opening an account now start putting money away.... tell him you need a little more $ for household expenses and start saving like a mad woman... start couponing so you can save and put that extra in the bank... start stockpiling foods (i.e dry goods) & toiletries... start researching financial aid for school... start looking into divorce attorneys... research how divorce work in your area... start researching social services programs... BE PROACTIVE.... and why do you have to leave.. when the time is right ask him to leave or when he leaves (and he will) please change the locks ... and if you're staying please walk away when he starts in on you, don't argue just walk away for your own sanity
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