He Left

[HennaRo]

So I had to get caught up since I'm not on here often and don't really go into the relationship threads. But OP WOW I'm very impressed/happy how you are handling this situation. Just reading your responses on the first page and this one alone shows huge growth! It's to bad everyone is suffereing for his lack of maturity but everything happens for a reason, hopefully your grass will be greener on the other side.

 

[hopeful]

How are you doing shinyblackhair?

 

[shinyblackhair]

I'm doing well, thanks for asking. My books arrived yesterday (lol) so I've been reading those. Me and my husband really just talk on a need-to basis. I have a feeling he may be thinking that I'm eventually going to let this go, but things are not the same in my heart. I've been disrespected too many times...I'm just going to school and doing my thing and tolerating the situation until I can do better.

Thanks so much for asking about me.

 

[hopeful]

You're welcome and thanks for the update. I'll be sending positive vibes your way.

 

[sistatv]

Darling...I'm sooo sorry this happened to you. You've been given great advice and support in this thread! Congrats on starting school! I agree you have to focus and get thru to graduate from school... Keep doing that...

BUT why do you only have .32 cents in your account? This can (and probably will) happen at any moment again. I'm a SAHM and I ALWAYS have some money off to the side. And we are not rich AT ALL. It aint alot... But I always got enough to put me and the kids in a taxi/bus/train to go to the courthouse to file on his ***, change the locks, and for food, gas, and incidentals if he should so happen to lose his Motherf*****NG mind. No shade to my husband but naw son.

You HAVE TO begin stacking... Snatch money from the grocery budget, make up school expenses for the kids, SOMETHING. You also need to make copies of the keys to the VAN, motorcycles, hide the copies somewhere... So if that joker takes off with the van you can go pick that beezy right back up from him at the job.... Please note... HE IS GOING TO pull this mess again... Probably just as you are preparing for finals and to graduate. He will try to stop you at that moment cause he is very, very, small man, shaved balls and all... He is going to try his best to mess you up and attack your greatness. But if you play your cards right... He will fail.

Listen baby, You HAVE TO STAY READY, SO YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET READY...
:gets down off soapbox:

 

[Afrolatina]

Darling...I'm sooo sorry this happened to you. You've been given great advice and support in this thread! Congrats on starting school! I agree you have to focus and get thru to graduate from school... Keep doing that...

BUT why do you only have .32 cents in your account? This can (and probably will) happen at any moment again. I'm a SAHM and I ALWAYS have some money off to the side. And we are not rich AT ALL. It aint alot... But I always got enough to put me and the kids in a taxi/bus/train to go to the courthouse to file on his ***, change the locks, and for food, gas, and incidentals if he should so happen to lose his Motherf*****NG mind. No shade to my husband but naw son.

You HAVE TO begin stacking... Snatch money from the grocery budget, make up school expenses for the kids, SOMETHING. You also need to make copies of the keys to the VAN, motorcycles, hide the copies somewhere... So if that joker takes off with the van you can go pick that beezy right back up from him at the job.... Please note... HE IS GOING TO pull this mess again... Probably just as you are preparing for finals and to graduate. He will try to stop you at that moment cause he is very, very, small man, shaved balls and all... He is going to try his best to mess you up and attack your greatness. But if you play your cards right... He will fail.

Listen baby, You HAVE TO STAY READY, SO YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET READY...
:gets down off soapbox:

THANK YOU for everything you've just said!
There are not enough words in the english language that could convey that EVERY married woman needs to do this. I know I probably sound all hypocrit-ish LOL because I don't have my own account (I do- I have two but I don't put any money on it), BUT every woman overlooks this because we always want to believe it's always going to work itself out but what if one day it doesn't?

For instance, one of my close friends, her mother and father have been married for decades- and she has been wanting to leave her father for the LONGEST. Except she doesn't have a license to drive (along with no desire to drive), he has her name attached to each and EVERY bill he's racked up over the years, doesn't have her own account, has her own credit cards (but he maxed all of them out), etc., From what my friend says, her father is off the chain crazy and I personally feel horrible for her because she's put herself in a position she can't escape from. Nor does it seem to me she's empowered enough to free herself. I've told my friend to try to help her get her license together and to be supportive of her even though she's in an unfathomable situation. My friend has just about had it and is about steps from cutting her mother off because she doesn't have the patience to keep trying to help her if she won't help herself.

Of course the story goes deeper- but i've made it a ongoing thought in my head to never be that unwilling to change or that reliant in any relationship.. but girl you hit the nail on the head- you can NEVER be too prepared.. and it's not like you're betting on things not working, but you are armed and ready in case it does...

 

[shinyblackhair]

Darling...I'm sooo sorry this happened to you. You've been given great advice and support in this thread! Congrats on starting school! I agree you have to focus and get thru to graduate from school... Keep doing that...

BUT why do you only have .32 cents in your account? This can (and probably will) happen at any moment again. I'm a SAHM and I ALWAYS have some money off to the side. And we are not rich AT ALL. It aint alot... But I always got enough to put me and the kids in a taxi/bus/train to go to the courthouse to file on his ***, change the locks, and for food, gas, and incidentals if he should so happen to lose his Motherf*****NG mind. No shade to my husband but naw son.

You HAVE TO begin stacking... Snatch money from the grocery budget, make up school expenses for the kids, SOMETHING. You also need to make copies of the keys to the VAN, motorcycles, hide the copies somewhere... So if that joker takes off with the van you can go pick that beezy right back up from him at the job.... Please note... HE IS GOING TO pull this mess again... Probably just as you are preparing for finals and to graduate. He will try to stop you at that moment cause he is very, very, small man, shaved balls and all... He is going to try his best to mess you up and attack your greatness. But if you play your cards right... He will fail.

Listen baby, You HAVE TO STAY READY, SO YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET READY...
:gets down off soapbox:

Girl, if I could press "thank you" a million times I would. He has pulled this stunt on me one too many times. I've learned my lesson. I was *just* discussing this with my sister last night. I got a monthly child tax credit (most women with children get this Canadians know what this is) but it goes into our "joint" account which I don't have an atm card for. So bright and early Monday, I mailed off the paper work to have it deposited straight into my personal account. It comes in my name and I never friggen see it. It is supposed to be for the children, but it's used to go to household stuff. Well...it's mine now. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out, but oh well....what am i supposed to do?

This is a free $500 per the month (it goes according to your income and you receive it until your child is 18) that I could be stacking for my kids for that fateful day when he decides to screw me over and be mean and spiteful toward me and tell me to fend for myself. Some husband...

 

[frida1980]

Girl, if I could press "thank you" a million times I would. He has pulled this stunt on me one too many times. I've learned my lesson. I was *just* discussing this with my sister last night. I got a monthly child tax credit (most women with children get this Canadians know what this is) but it goes into our "joint" account which I don't have an atm card for. So bright and early Monday, I mailed off the paper work to have it deposited straight into my personal account. It comes in my name and I never friggen see it. It is supposed to be for the children, but it's used to go to household stuff. Well...it's mine now. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out, but oh well....what am i supposed to do?

This is a free $500 per the month (it goes according to your income and you receive it until your child is 18) that I could be stacking for my kids for that fateful day when he decides to screw me over and be mean and spiteful toward me and tell me to fend for myself. Some husband...

........

This man is now taking money given to his children for HIMSELF already?!?! Oh my god. I know if I can't take hearing much more about this selfish piece of...

I cannot believe that he gets money for his children and still has the nerve to complain about you. He's just... ugh...

 

[HauteHippie]

I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

My parents were together for over a decade (14 years?) before they divorced. The scene you described with your kids all on the bed with you and their dad on the couch is a familiar one for me. I don't remember being worried when my dad left; I knew I'd see his behind in the morning. By the time I was 10, I asked my mom why she didn't just get a divorce-- and I love my dad, but daddy had some real issues.

I have memories of him fixing my hair and using his seemingly oversized thumb to wipe my tears... but my mom deserved better-- and she found better.

My mom did not want to bring men around us. She wasn't even interested in dating. But a nice man pursued her Madea's Family Reunion style, despite any baggage and three kids. They've been together for... 12 years (?) now and he treats her like she's golden.

No spouse deserves the role of the disrespected spouse. Someone will really SEE you, all of you, and maybe you'll be ready and desiring a loving relationship. Until then, keep your head up.

 

[MissJ]

Darling...I'm sooo sorry this happened to you. You've been given great advice and support in this thread! Congrats on starting school! I agree you have to focus and get thru to graduate from school... Keep doing that...

BUT why do you only have .32 cents in your account? This can (and probably will) happen at any moment again. I'm a SAHM and I ALWAYS have some money off to the side. And we are not rich AT ALL. It aint alot... But I always got enough to put me and the kids in a taxi/bus/train to go to the courthouse to file on his ***, change the locks, and for food, gas, and incidentals if he should so happen to lose his Motherf*****NG mind. No shade to my husband but naw son.

You HAVE TO begin stacking... Snatch money from the grocery budget, make up school expenses for the kids, SOMETHING. You also need to make copies of the keys to the VAN, motorcycles, hide the copies somewhere... So if that joker takes off with the van you can go pick that beezy right back up from him at the job.... Please note... HE IS GOING TO pull this mess again... Probably just as you are preparing for finals and to graduate. He will try to stop you at that moment cause he is very, very, small man, shaved balls and all... He is going to try his best to mess you up and attack your greatness. But if you play your cards right... He will fail.

Listen baby, You HAVE TO STAY READY, SO YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET READY...
:gets down off soapbox:

This stay-at-home mom is gangsta!

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Darling...I'm sooo sorry this happened to you. You've been given great advice and support in this thread! Congrats on starting school! I agree you have to focus and get thru to graduate from school... Keep doing that...

BUT why do you only have .32 cents in your account? This can (and probably will) happen at any moment again. I'm a SAHM and I ALWAYS have some money off to the side. And we are not rich AT ALL. It aint alot... But I always got enough to put me and the kids in a taxi/bus/train to go to the courthouse to file on his ***, change the locks, and for food, gas, and incidentals if he should so happen to lose his Motherf*****NG mind. No shade to my husband but naw son.

You HAVE TO begin stacking... Snatch money from the grocery budget, make up school expenses for the kids, SOMETHING. You also need to make copies of the keys to the VAN, motorcycles, hide the copies somewhere... So if that joker takes off with the van you can go pick that beezy right back up from him at the job.... Please note... HE IS GOING TO pull this mess again... Probably just as you are preparing for finals and to graduate. He will try to stop you at that moment cause he is very, very, small man, shaved balls and all... He is going to try his best to mess you up and attack your greatness. But if you play your cards right... He will fail.

Listen baby, You HAVE TO STAY READY, SO YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET READY...
:gets down off soapbox:

This right here is some real advice for every woman. It has always been my intention to do this when I get married, because once you put yourself in the position to be dependent on a man, he will use it / you to his full advantage. He won't see you as the hot sexy diva you were when he was courting you ... He may eventually see you as another obligation wearing him down - like a damn child. I like that saying "You HAVE TO STAY READY, SO YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET READY..."

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

Girl, if I could press "thank you" a million times I would. He has pulled this stunt on me one too many times. I've learned my lesson. I was *just* discussing this with my sister last night. I got a monthly child tax credit (most women with children get this Canadians know what this is) but it goes into our "joint" account which I don't have an atm card for. So bright and early Monday, I mailed off the paper work to have it deposited straight into my personal account. It comes in my name and I never friggen see it. It is supposed to be for the children, but it's used to go to household stuff. Well...it's mine now. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out, but oh well....what am i supposed to do?

This is a free $500 per the month (it goes according to your income and you receive it until your child is 18) that I could be stacking for my kids for that fateful day when he decides to screw me over and be mean and spiteful toward me and tell me to fend for myself. Some husband...

I would tally that money up($500xnum months your kids(s) have been alive) and take that number from the account and put it in either your account or an account in your childrens name (if the divorce comes creditors nor husband should be able to touch that). Take extra money on top of that and put it onto your stash account. Do it slowly if you need to but not to slow.

 

[janiebaby]

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned yet, and I don't know how it's done in Canada but....is he waiting for you to divorce him so that you won't get as much in a settlement? Also, is he waiting for you to get a job so that he can prove that you are financially stable so that you won't get as much or anything in a settlement/child support claim?

 

[shinyblackhair]

I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

My parents were together for over a decade (14 years?) before they divorced. The scene you described with your kids all on the bed with you and their dad on the couch is a familiar one for me. I don't remember being worried when my dad left; I knew I'd see his behind in the morning. By the time I was 10, I asked my mom why she didn't just get a divorce-- and I love my dad, but daddy had some real issues.

I have memories of him fixing my hair and using his seemingly oversized thumb to wipe my tears... but my mom deserved better-- and she found better.

My mom did not want to bring men around us. She wasn't even interested in dating. But a nice man pursued her Madea's Family Reunion style, despite any baggage and three kids. They've been together for... 12 years (?) now and he treats her like she's golden.

No spouse deserves the role of the disrespected spouse. Someone will really SEE you, all of you, and maybe you'll be ready and desiring a loving relationship. Until then, keep your head up.

That is the sweetest comment...I'm so happy that your mom found the love she deserves. One day maybe that will be me...I will have a hard time trusting men though...seems like they are all the same, after a while...sigh

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

That is the sweetest comment...I'm so happy that your mom found the love she deserves. One day maybe that will be me...I will have a hard time trusting men though...seems like they are all the same, after a while...sigh

They are NOT all the same!! I know you will have a hard time trusting men but please don't think that they are all the same. There are some great men out there and you WILL find yours.

 

[HauteHippie]

That is the sweetest comment...I'm so happy that your mom found the love she deserves. One day maybe that will be me...I will have a hard time trusting men though...seems like they are all the same, after a while...sigh

They really aren't all the same, though. You'll see! I think it was good for us as kids to see something different, too. I probably shouldn't say this... but sometimes, I think my mom is still in disbelief that such a nice guy exists. But they really do!

 

[72giagia]

This argument would have started for one thing or another. He would have started the the disagreement over where a toothbrush was sittting in the bathrrom if he thought it would starye the argument he needed for his out. He knew you would defend your daughtGr's rights so to speak. It's going to be hard. You're going to look at your husband see the things he has done and is about to do, you're going to think" my God did he ever really love me?" Did I ever know him? Divorce/Separation can bring out the cruel side of people. It's like a game to some people. He who causes the most pain wins. What do they win I'm not sure but at the end there will be damage. I will be praying for you and the children and for him. So the Lord can speak to his heart and guide him and you to come to some agreement about your situation.

 

[Lita]

I'm praying for you & your children...Hope all goes well for ALL OF YOU! Its not easy but take it (One day at Time) God heals emotional truma & mends broken Hearts.....I pray for him as well...

*When someone wants to leave...They will! Dont blame yourself.....



Happy Hair Growing!

 

[ElizaBlue]

Find strength in your freedom. You now have the option to be happy and free. This is not about a cell phone and it's not about you. He does not want to be married or a father. Because the desire to be either would have stopped him from walking away.

There is either something else or someone else. Either way count your blessings and take care of you and your children. I left my kids father when my youngest was only 4 months old. Walked away from the house and all the furniture in it. I lived in a motel until I could afford to feel comfortable moving back to my parents (he knew where they lived) and eventually when I learned he had been arrested I moved back into my home.

But the thing is, I was willing to give it all up for the freedom to be happy. You can do this...don't doubt that you can. Everyday I looked at my three little faces and took a vow to do it for them. I promised them a happy home albeit from a single mom rather than a broken home just to say they had a father in it.

Stay strong sister.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Thanks everyone. My husband is currently behaving pretty good and trying to get on my good side. He is messing with my head and it just makes me angry and confused. I'm keeping the peace for the sake of my kids.

 

[MzLady78]

Thanks everyone. My husband is currently behaving pretty good and trying to get on my good side. He is messing with my head and it just makes me angry and confused. I'm keeping the peace for the sake of my kids.

It's good that you recognize that that's what he's doing, it will help you keep perspective. When things seem to be going well, it's easy to feel like maybe things have changed for the better. But you know that at any given time, the other shoe can drop. Play the game, but proceed with your plan.

 

[MayaB12]

Girl, if I could press "thank you" a million times I would. He has pulled this stunt on me one too many times. I've learned my lesson. I was *just* discussing this with my sister last night. I got a monthly (most women with children get this Canadians know what this is) but it goes into our "joint" account which I don't have an atm card for. So bright and early Monday, I mailed off the paper work to have it deposited straight into my personal account. It comes in my name and I never friggen see it. It is supposed to be for the children, but it's used to go to household stuff. Well...it's mine now. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out, but oh well....what am i supposed to do?

This is a free $500 per the month (it goes according to your income and you receive it until your child is 18) that I could be stacking for my kids for that fateful day when he decides to screw me over and be mean and spiteful toward me and tell me to fend for myself. Some husband...

You have children under 6 right? If so you get the $100 UCCB payment (per child) too - make sure that goes into your stash too. Maybe you could deposit some of the child tax credit into an RRSP account and get some money back at tax time.

 

[sistatv]

I'm so proud of you for getting your money!! Now, you and I both know its a trick... NO need to be nasty to him or act a fool. Be as pleasant and cordial as is possible but Just stick to your plan and continue to STACK YOUR MONEY.

What was his reaction to you taking the $500 deposit? Has he said anything about being gone all night? How are you and the kids holding up? I'm going to send up a prayer for your strength and peace in this time of trouble.

 

[shinyblackhair]

I'm so proud of you for getting your money!! Now, you and I both know its a trick... NO need to be nasty to him or act a fool. Be as pleasant and cordial as is possible but Just stick to your plan and continue to STACK YOUR MONEY.

What was his reaction to you taking the $500 deposit? Has he said anything about being gone all night? How are you and the kids holding up? I'm going to send up a prayer for your strength and peace in this time of trouble.

He doesn't know that I've switched the account for the monthly deposit *yet*. I will wait until just before the January payment is due. He has not made a mention of where he went the night he slept out and I haven't actually came out and asked him. We were arguing this morning and he was down on me how I'm not training the kids right, and that our 14 year old doesn't know how to do anything (housework related). We just plain don't see eye to eye....yesterday he was being all nice trying to touch me and get romantic...then today, he reminded me in not so many words that this marriage is doomed. Admittedly, everytime he act "nice" or "normal" I start to fall for it. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. He is saying that he won't be accompanying me and the kids to my mom's for Christmas. He complains that Christmas "sucks" and waste of money, blah, blah, blah...he is always yelling at the kids because of the mess that they make (yes they do make a mess but, there are 4 of them in a small house). I just need peace. He wears me out and breaks my spirit. The kids are doing okay and are excited for Christmas. I want out of this relationship but, it breaks my heart because as miserable as my husband is, I know the kids don't want us to break up. I'm soooo torn.

 

[sunnieb]

He doesn't know that I've switched the account for the monthly deposit *yet*. I will wait until just before the January payment is due. He has not made a mention of where he went the night he slept out and I haven't actually came out and asked him. We were arguing this morning and he was down on me how I'm not training the kids right, and that our 14 year old doesn't know how to do anything (housework related). We just plain don't see eye to eye....yesterday he was being all nice trying to touch me and get romantic...then today, he reminded me in not so many words that this marriage is doomed. Admittedly, everytime he act "nice" or "normal" I start to fall for it. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. He is saying that he won't be accompanying me and the kids to my mom's for Christmas. He complains that Christmas "sucks" and waste of money, blah, blah, blah...he is always yelling at the kids because of the mess that they make (yes they do make a mess but, there are 4 of them in a small house). I just need peace. He wears me out and breaks my spirit. The kids are doing okay and are excited for Christmas. I want out of this relationship but, it breaks my heart because as miserable as my husband is, I know the kids don't want us to break up. I'm soooo torn.

Um, I'm sorry but his arse ain't miserable! He's making you and the kids miserable! Trust, he's feelin' just fine. Please don't fall for the ropa dope! He is acting up and showing his arse! I know you aren't perfect, but don't take responsibility for his actions and reactions. He's a grown man. He knows what he's doing.

Have a Merry Christmas despite him. I'm glad you are going to your mom's.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I don't think she means he's miserable as in sad and heart broken. Shes talking miserable as in he's a"sorry a$$ ba$t**d".

Um, I'm sorry but his arse ain't miserable! He's making you and the kids miserable! Trust, he's feelin' just fine. Please don't fall for the ropa dope! He is acting up and showing his arse! I know you aren't perfect, but don't take responsibility for his actions and reactions. He's a grown man. He knows what he's doing.

Have a Merry Christmas despite him. I'm glad you are going to your mom's.

 

[sunnieb]

^^^ Gotcha! I hope so. This guy just works my nerves and I haven't even met him!

 

[MissJ]

He doesn't know that I've switched the account for the monthly deposit *yet*. I will wait until just before the January payment is due. He has not made a mention of where he went the night he slept out and I haven't actually came out and asked him. We were arguing this morning and he was down on me how I'm not training the kids right, and that our 14 year old doesn't know how to do anything (housework related). We just plain don't see eye to eye....yesterday he was being all nice trying to touch me and get romantic...then today, he reminded me in not so many words that this marriage is doomed. Admittedly, everytime he act "nice" or "normal" I start to fall for it. I'm so sick of this emotional rollercoaster. He is saying that he won't be accompanying me and the kids to my mom's for Christmas. He complains that Christmas "sucks" and waste of money, blah, blah, blah...he is always yelling at the kids because of the mess that they make (yes they do make a mess but, there are 4 of them in a small house). I just need peace. He wears me out and breaks my spirit. The kids are doing okay and are excited for Christmas. I want out of this relationship but, it breaks my heart because as miserable as my husband is, I know the kids don't want us to break up. I'm soooo torn.

I'm wondering if he's making this big fuss about Christmas, because he wants to spend it with another woman. Complaining about the money spent on gifts for the family, because he wants to spend it on someone else. I'd be tempted to spend Christmas day at home just to figure out what he has up his sleeve :scratchch ... or at least throw salt in his game.

 

[soulfusion]

i live in Toronto... do you need any help with anything? Please PM me if I can help you in the upcoming days... it being christmas and all...

What a wonderful gesture, metro. OP, I don't think this should have come as any big surprise to you. Keep working your plan and do what you have to do.

 

[yods]

Ok so I am just catching up to this and I haven't really read your other thread, so forgive me if I am repeating everything. Can you tell me why you don't have access to your JOINT account? Does he have any credit cards etc attached to that account? This is really worrying me for some reason, I would hate for you to have to wake up to a debt you know nothing about when it comes to division of assets. I respect you for having a long term game plan but beware that he might have one too.

Also, um, where's he going while you at your mother's for christmas? If he is cheating, it really wouldn't be that hard to get to the bottom of it.